The weekend

[Anonymous]

What should be expectations for a host family in terms of our Au Pair going out on the weekend during their free time? Should we ask where they are going? When they will be back? Ask if they are being Covid cautious/wearing mask? We don’t ask anymore as the only response we’ve received is “to see a friend”. She’s typically out all day Sat and Sunday, sleeps over somewhere Sat night.

Should we stay completely hands off as long as they show up for work on Monday morning?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you have any guidance on this in your family handbook. We set the expectation that our au pairs contact us if they are not coming home for the night so we can set the alarm and also not worry.

If you have a pretty arms length relationship, and haven't set any guidelines, I'm afraid you are probably kinda stuck - can't impose new rules now if you haven't discussed them before without generating resistence/unhappiness.

Its seem to me that she has a boyfriend and you need to assume that you are being exposed to somewhat risky COVID behavior typical to young people - nothing shocking, but probably bars/restaurants/parties.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest having a long discussion with your partner about your comfort level with her covid exposure. Then schedule a conversation with your LCC and AP about whether she’s willing to go along with that. Include in your discussion common courtesy (letting there know if she doesn’t come home at night, so the alarm can be set), car rules (curfew for the car, how far, etc), and rules for sleep before work (requiring AP be home 8 hours before she needs to work is reasonable).

[Anonymous]

Folks, this is why you MUST have a family handbook. Can't spring new restrictions on an AP like its. Its not fair, its not March 2020 when things were changing - you have known about COVID for two years, you should have set expectations and rules before she came and stuck with them.

[Anonymous]

Ps - and you need to share the family handbook IN ADVANCE of matching!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ps - and you need to share the family handbook IN ADVANCE of matching!

Seriously. If you can't match with an au pair because your expectations are too high of them or not what they want, it may feel like a rejection and a long search, but rematch is so much more difficult. Your LCC or "matching specialist" may tell you to sell your family to an au pair in order to match quickly, but they don't have to leave through the transition. You and your kids have to deal with it.

Some families are fine with never seeing their au pair except for work hours. Some want to see them more often and know they are safe. Everyone has different means of "covid safe" these days so who knows what it means for her. Not going out with someone running a 102 fever may be her idea of keeping your family safe.

If you are anxious about covid19, you probably shouldn't be hosting a young person right now. Sad, but true.

[Anonymous]

We ask where she is going because in the current environment we have a no bars, only vaccinated friends houses (this is NBD since it seems all au pairs here are vax and boosted), must wear mask, etc. but this was all discussed in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest having a long discussion with your partner about your comfort level with her covid exposure. Then schedule a conversation with your LCC and AP about whether she’s willing to go along with that. Include in your discussion common courtesy (letting there know if she doesn’t come home at night, so the alarm can be set), car rules (curfew for the car, how far, etc), and rules for sleep before work (requiring AP be home 8 hours before she needs to work is reasonable).

What I forgot to say last night (bc middle of the night thoughts aren't the most coherent) is that you can choose to compromise on some of that, or you can choose to hold the line while understanding that it will likely feel like a bait-and-switch situation, resulting in rematch.

It sounds like you're a first time family. Please, please, please, look over the handbook examples on aupairmom.com asap.

[Anonymous]

She’s probably staying away all weekend because of weekend job creep or not having an privacy or break from you and the kids. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What should be expectations for a host family in terms of our Au Pair going out on the weekend during their free time? Should we ask where they are going? When they will be back? Ask if they are being Covid cautious/wearing mask? We don’t ask anymore as the only response we’ve received is “to see a friend”. She’s typically out all day Sat and Sunday, sleeps over somewhere Sat night.

Should we stay completely hands off as long as they show up for work on Monday morning?

Former AP here.

You should absolutely ask if she's being covid cautious/wearing mask ... and if she plans to come home late (in case it could wake your family up) but apart from that I'd let it go.
Let her do what she wants on the weekends as long as she's fresh on Monday morning.
Enjoy that time off from her in your home

[Anonymous]

As a host parent who has been very cautious, I have been more lax with our AP since she was vaxxed/boosted. I don't expect her to avoid restaurants/bars, it is just not realistic. I do expect her to report to me immediately if she is experiencing ANY symptoms- even if it's just sniffles or fatigue-- so that we can rapid test her. These APs are young and here to experience a new country in addition to the childcare component, and you should accept that. Can't keep her prisoner in the house, especially in the winter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a host parent who has been very cautious, I have been more lax with our AP since she was vaxxed/boosted. I don't expect her to avoid restaurants/bars, it is just not realistic. I do expect her to report to me immediately if she is experiencing ANY symptoms- even if it's just sniffles or fatigue-- so that we can rapid test her. These APs are young and here to experience a new country in addition to the childcare component, and you should accept that. Can't keep her prisoner in the house, especially in the winter.

This! We sent our AP home at the start of the pandemic and we were only comfortable having another AP after we got vaccinated. We thought about the risk that hosting will bring and decided it made sense for our family. If you are still in the lock-down mode, then having an AP is simply not for you. And if you think that your handbook or your rules will keep AP from hanging out with other APs unmasked or going to bars and restaurants, you are in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks, this is why you MUST have a family handbook. Can't spring new restrictions on an AP like its. Its not fair, its not March 2020 when things were changing - you have known about COVID for two years, you should have set expectations and rules before she came and stuck with them.

Who said it’s not in the handbook? It’s all there. The question was how we apply/approach it to maintain a healthy relationship while protecting everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We ask where she is going because in the current environment we have a no bars, only vaccinated friends houses (this is NBD since it seems all au pairs here are vax and boosted), must wear mask, etc. but this was all discussed in advance.

And how are you going to know she is doing it?!? Reality is, au pairs do whatever they want and you must just trust that yours is careful.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the last comment, that the APs will do whatever they want to and i’ve experienced it first hand. if there are too many restrictions and probing questions, the white lies start to creep up. In times of covid surge, when the AP is out on weekends (i do not question who the AP hangs out with), we have told the AP to wear a mask at home until the in-home covid tests are taken (typically after 2days).i do think if the AP uses OUR family car, the host family has the right to ask the AP about their whereabouts.Driving to DC is not allowed and we have clearly communicated this, even though the AP is a good driver.