How to start a difficult conversation..

[Anonymous]

Our au pair seems to be having a hard time with me working from home, and prefers to take the kids out whenever she is in charge. I am ok with her taking the kids places, but also like our kids to spend time at home playing with their toys, doing some age-appropriate chores, and playing with their bikes /scooters. I have a separate office and try not to disturb anyone, but it is hard at times because the kids are young. I have expressed to her my desire to have a balance, with some freedom for her to choose how to spend the time when she is on duty but I don't believe we have been successful at communicating. I have tried to set up time over the weekend to talk to her about the upcoming week and come up with a plan, but she doesn't make the time for it. She also goes out every night right after she is done working, and is gone the whole weekend (which is all fine as long we find time to talk when they kids aren't around). At this point, the situation is tense. Mornings are hectic and that seems to be her preferred time to talk about the upcoming day. I also have activities planned for the kids that she is not aware of until she starts the day and that might be ruining some of her plans, but hard to know since I don't know what those are. I know the answer to all these issues is communication, but I am looking for advice as to how to start that conversation so our relationship doesn't become more tense and severed.

[Anonymous]

You need a defined once weekly meeting time to go over how the last week went and look forward on the calendar to the next week. We pick one night a week for this after the kids are in bed. Sounds like you may need to have her on the clock for it. Also would recommend using a written calendar with schedule and activities in a very visible location. If she can't flex to both verbal and written communication, she may not be the best au pair for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a defined once weekly meeting time to go over how the last week went and look forward on the calendar to the next week. We pick one night a week for this after the kids are in bed. Sounds like you may need to have her on the clock for it. Also would recommend using a written calendar with schedule and activities in a very visible location. If she can't flex to both verbal and written communication, she may not be the best au pair for you.

I agree with the PP. Put her on for an hour in the evening and go over the plan for the upcoming week. This also means that you have to be more organized than figuring out your activities the night before. We prepare a set of activities at least a week ahead of time and then go over them with our au pair. We don't tell her when she should be doing those activities, but rather give her a guidance: arts and crafts (30 min), letter and numbers (30 min), etc.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair seems to be having a hard time with me working from home, and prefers to take the kids out whenever she is in charge. I am ok with her taking the kids places, but also like our kids to spend time at home playing with their toys, doing some age-appropriate chores, and playing with their bikes /scooters. I have a separate office and try not to disturb anyone, but it is hard at times because the kids are young. I have expressed to her my desire to have a balance, with some freedom for her to choose how to spend the time when she is on duty but I don't believe we have been successful at communicating. I have tried to set up time over the weekend to talk to her about the upcoming week and come up with a plan, but she doesn't make the time for it. She also goes out every night right after she is done working, and is gone the whole weekend (which is all fine as long we find time to talk when they kids aren't around). At this point, the situation is tense. Mornings are hectic and that seems to be her preferred time to talk about the upcoming day. I also have activities planned for the kids that she is not aware of until she starts the day and that might be ruining some of her plans, but hard to know since I don't know what those are. I know the answer to all these issues is communication, but I am looking for advice as to how to start that conversation so our relationship doesn't become more tense and severed.

I would immediately let her know that her hours include a 10 minute prep after kids are in bed every night that she works the following day, or you and she can get up early enough to do it before kids get up. You definitely want to stick to the 10 minutes, and it does need to be on the clock.

Google calendar is your friend, and she needs to have access to the family calendar with all kids events on it. For the activities that you want the kids doing from home, I would suggest that she puts them in before the shift during that prep time, or she can do a repeating schedule (monday craft, tuesday bikes, etc).

[Anonymous]

I used to get so tense when our aupair would want to have a long conversation about her day or using the car after work, etc, while I was trying to get out the door in the morning. It was like she didn't even recognize the cues or pitch in to help me get the kids out the door either.
I agree with above. Put her on the clock for an extra bit of time to discuss the next day. Use a calendar app (we used cozi) to send notifications when plans change.
The benefit of an aupair should be flexibility and getting to know your caregiver. If you have neither or it's making life difficult, address it before resentment builds.

[Anonymous]

by the way, I would start questioning where she is with the kids. Our aupair would take my kids out instead of being home with them because she was using the time to socialize and allow the kids to hang out with her boyfriend, other aupair's host families and run around the play area at the mall while she had a Starbucks.
It was fine once in awhile but using it as a way to ignore or allow others to care for the children wasn't a sustainable way to care for them. It was disturbing when I realized how little she was actually caring for them when they weren't home.

[Anonymous]

As PPs have mentioned - have a calendar posted for the week at the start of each week. If possible, have your partner take over kid duty for about 20 minutes as you go over the schedule for the week.

In my house, I don’t like au pairs to make plans for the kids with other people without running it by me. One of our au pairs used to schedule play dates with her au pair friends kids who weren’t friends with my kids, weren’t the same age as my kids and lived far away. I stopped that and learned I needed to manage more of that type of thing.

It’s not really fair to expect your au pair to take time out of her free time to talk about work, so you need to schedule a meeting with her weekly during her working hours. Let her know that you appreciate that she is being active with the kids, but that they need more down time. The kids will eventually get used to you working in your office if you both help them through it and be consistent.

[Anonymous]

You need to schedule this weekly conversation and planning during her working hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have mentioned - have a calendar posted for the week at the start of each week. If possible, have your partner take over kid duty for about 20 minutes as you go over the schedule for the week.

In my house, I don’t like au pairs to make plans for the kids with other people without running it by me. One of our au pairs used to schedule play dates with her au pair friends kids who weren’t friends with my kids, weren’t the same age as my kids and lived far away. I stopped that and learned I needed to manage more of that type of thing.

It’s not really fair to expect your au pair to take time out of her free time to talk about work, so you need to schedule a meeting with her weekly during her working hours. Let her know that you appreciate that she is being active with the kids, but that they need more down time. The kids will eventually get used to you working in your office if you both help them through it and be consistent.

We had this happen too. Aupair passing 3 libraries to get to a library for storytime where her own friends could take their host kids. It was never about storytime or my kids having a playdate. It was her own playdate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have mentioned - have a calendar posted for the week at the start of each week. If possible, have your partner take over kid duty for about 20 minutes as you go over the schedule for the week.

In my house, I don’t like au pairs to make plans for the kids with other people without running it by me. One of our au pairs used to schedule play dates with her au pair friends kids who weren’t friends with my kids, weren’t the same age as my kids and lived far away. I stopped that and learned I needed to manage more of that type of thing.

It’s not really fair to expect your au pair to take time out of her free time to talk about work, so you need to schedule a meeting with her weekly during her working hours. Let her know that you appreciate that she is being active with the kids, but that they need more down time. The kids will eventually get used to you working in your office if you both help them through it and be consistent.

We had this happen too. Aupair passing 3 libraries to get to a library for storytime where her own friends could take their host kids. It was never about storytime or my kids having a playdate. It was her own playdate.

If the kids got to attend story time, what’s the big deal? It sounds like PP’s AP was hanging out at individual houses and that’s a problem, if the kids aren’t friends.

[Anonymous]

Schedule time when she on the clock to have a meeting. Have a shared calendar that you use for the kids activities. I used to use a day planner and the parents could see what our plan was for the day. If she knew you had a plan for the kids she wouldn’t make her own plans. This seems to be common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have mentioned - have a calendar posted for the week at the start of each week. If possible, have your partner take over kid duty for about 20 minutes as you go over the schedule for the week.

In my house, I don’t like au pairs to make plans for the kids with other people without running it by me. One of our au pairs used to schedule play dates with her au pair friends kids who weren’t friends with my kids, weren’t the same age as my kids and lived far away. I stopped that and learned I needed to manage more of that type of thing.

It’s not really fair to expect your au pair to take time out of her free time to talk about work, so you need to schedule a meeting with her weekly during her working hours. Let her know that you appreciate that she is being active with the kids, but that they need more down time. The kids will eventually get used to you working in your office if you both help them through it and be consistent.

We had this happen too. Aupair passing 3 libraries to get to a library for storytime where her own friends could take their host kids. It was never about storytime or my kids having a playdate. It was her own playdate.

If the kids got to attend story time, what’s the big deal? It sounds like PP’s AP was hanging out at individual houses and that’s a problem, if the kids aren’t friends.

I didn't want my kids being dragged 35 mins each way on 495 in my car with my gas money to go to a storytime which could be attended less than 5 mins from my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have mentioned - have a calendar posted for the week at the start of each week. If possible, have your partner take over kid duty for about 20 minutes as you go over the schedule for the week.

In my house, I don’t like au pairs to make plans for the kids with other people without running it by me. One of our au pairs used to schedule play dates with her au pair friends kids who weren’t friends with my kids, weren’t the same age as my kids and lived far away. I stopped that and learned I needed to manage more of that type of thing.

It’s not really fair to expect your au pair to take time out of her free time to talk about work, so you need to schedule a meeting with her weekly during her working hours. Let her know that you appreciate that she is being active with the kids, but that they need more down time. The kids will eventually get used to you working in your office if you both help them through it and be consistent.

We had this happen too. Aupair passing 3 libraries to get to a library for storytime where her own friends could take their host kids. It was never about storytime or my kids having a playdate. It was her own playdate.

If the kids got to attend story time, what’s the big deal? It sounds like PP’s AP was hanging out at individual houses and that’s a problem, if the kids aren’t friends.

I didn't want my kids being dragged 35 mins each way on 495 in my car with my gas money to go to a storytime which could be attended less than 5 mins from my home.

Ah, that wasn’t clear.

Fwiw, I’ve done similar things, driving 30 minutes to a specific library for story time, on a different day than the local story time. We also met up with friends and had playtime, snack and lunch at a local playground with friends (theirs and mine). That’s what it sounded like to me, but if you don’t want your AP driving anywhere, you just need to be clear about that.

[Anonymous]

I just text AP at this stuff. Especially kid activities that might conflict with her plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As PPs have mentioned - have a calendar posted for the week at the start of each week. If possible, have your partner take over kid duty for about 20 minutes as you go over the schedule for the week.

In my house, I don’t like au pairs to make plans for the kids with other people without running it by me. One of our au pairs used to schedule play dates with her au pair friends kids who weren’t friends with my kids, weren’t the same age as my kids and lived far away. I stopped that and learned I needed to manage more of that type of thing.

It’s not really fair to expect your au pair to take time out of her free time to talk about work, so you need to schedule a meeting with her weekly during her working hours. Let her know that you appreciate that she is being active with the kids, but that they need more down time. The kids will eventually get used to you working in your office if you both help them through it and be consistent.

OP, you need to set strict limits on where/ when the au pair can take the kids out of the house and/or your immediate neighborhood, and also limits on car use. Otherwise, she'll be taking the kids out to meet her Tinder dates, or driving for Doordash in your car, with the kids along for the ride.