Au Pair Thinks Husband and I are her Friends? Where and How to Draw Boundaries

[Anonymous]

Our au pair has been with us for a year and a half. We really like her, but she seems to have problems keeping friends. She will hang with another au pair a few times, and then it "sizzles." I don't know why. We've introduced her to some young women we know and one told us that our au pair was full of drama and at times offensive.

Her bday is coming up and we offered to throw her a party for her friends but she said she doesn't have any friends. My husband suggested to me that we get a sitter for the kids (oldest is 7) and take au pair out to a nice dinner - just the three adults. To me, this feels like it crosses a line. I like my au pair but I don't have the bandwidth to be her friend with my job, my family and my own friends. She's definitely made comments like wanting to work out with me and go shopping with me (sans kids). I don't want that, but I also don't want to be unfriendly and seem selfish. Any advice???

[Anonymous]

Do the Pizza dinner WITH the kids. Don't allow the encroachment into your social life - she isn't a friend. I think maybe the occasional shopping trip is ok, but no evening activities sans kids. I think that is too wierd.

[Anonymous]

I would do dinner out with the kids, something easy and fun. No need to keep socializing with you if that's not your thing. Personally I adore our au pair and consider her a friend, but she has her own friends as well and hangs out with them plenty so I guess it would feel a lot more stifling if she didn't have that!

[Anonymous]

yeah, don't waste a sitter for a night with your AP?

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

Having a nice little party at home for her birthday, WITH the children, is the thing to do if you want to celebrate.

Doing the dinner thing (just the 3 of you) would send a message that you're friends and she'll want to cross boundaries. I wouldn't go there if I were you

You're not responsible if she can't keep her friends, just keep on saying no when she offers to go out with you (gym or shopping).

[Anonymous]

In fairness, we are in a pandemic and a lot of AP’s are young and flakey. We deliberately get older APs and some times it’s tricky for them to make friends. Our AP has done things with my single friends, I have occasionally done social things with the AP one on one, but I made a huge effort in getting the AP to make friends through interest meet-ups, ex-pat groups, etc.

[Anonymous]

Just do a party at home with the kids, decorate and get a cake. I agree with the previous poster, I would NOT waste a precious date night out with a third wheel.

[Anonymous]

Have DH take her to dinner. Win-Win.

[Anonymous]

Get carry out and a cake for the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it complicated. Exactly; it would be nice of you hosting a party for her. So, ask for a delivery dinner what she loves; ask the kids help you to decorate and get or bake a cake for her and celebrate with her and the kids. The kids would be very happy to help you and have the feeling to have celebrated her birthday.

[Anonymous]

We have always taken our au pairs out for their birthday. I never perceived it as crossing any boundaries. In fact, I always enjoyed our celebrations, especially if they turned 21. At the same time, all our au pairs were very independent, so it was nice when they made time for us. OP, it seems like you have dealt with this issue for over a year now. It seems a bit too late to change the dynamic. Do what feels ok for you. Taking her out for her birthday is fine, all other suggestions are fine, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has been with us for a year and a half. We really like her, but she seems to have problems keeping friends. She will hang with another au pair a few times, and then it "sizzles." I don't know why. We've introduced her to some young women we know and one told us that our au pair was full of drama and at times offensive.

Her bday is coming up and we offered to throw her a party for her friends but she said she doesn't have any friends. My husband suggested to me that we get a sitter for the kids (oldest is 7) and take au pair out to a nice dinner - just the three adults. To me, this feels like it crosses a line. I like my au pair but I don't have the bandwidth to be her friend with my job, my family and my own friends. She's definitely made comments like wanting to work out with me and go shopping with me (sans kids). I don't want that, but I also don't want to be unfriendly and seem selfish. Any advice???

Family party, WITH kids, either at home or at a kid-friendly restaurant.

Reach out to the LCC as well.

And don't cave on the boundaries. "Sorry, AP, I need to go work out and DH is working, that's why we scheduled you for these hours." Then, we she asks you to join her during her off hours: "Sorry AP, DH is with his friends and you're off, which means I'm with the kids. This is my time to do xyz while they play or play with them."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has been with us for a year and a half. We really like her, but she seems to have problems keeping friends. She will hang with another au pair a few times, and then it "sizzles." I don't know why. We've introduced her to some young women we know and one told us that our au pair was full of drama and at times offensive.

Her bday is coming up and we offered to throw her a party for her friends but she said she doesn't have any friends. My husband suggested to me that we get a sitter for the kids (oldest is 7) and take au pair out to a nice dinner - just the three adults. To me, this feels like it crosses a line. I like my au pair but I don't have the bandwidth to be her friend with my job, my family and my own friends. She's definitely made comments like wanting to work out with me and go shopping with me (sans kids). I don't want that, but I also don't want to be unfriendly and seem selfish. Any advice???

Family party, WITH kids, either at home or at a kid-friendly restaurant.

Reach out to the LCC as well.

And don't cave on the boundaries. "Sorry, AP, I need to go work out and DH is working, that's why we scheduled you for these hours." Then, we she asks you to join her during her off hours: "Sorry AP, DH is with his friends and you're off, which means I'm with the kids. This is my time to do xyz while they play or play with them."

Yikes. I would never exclude the AP from hanging out with me/kids in her off time - that's hurtful and against the spirit of the program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our au pair has been with us for a year and a half. We really like her, but she seems to have problems keeping friends. She will hang with another au pair a few times, and then it "sizzles." I don't know why. We've introduced her to some young women we know and one told us that our au pair was full of drama and at times offensive.

Her bday is coming up and we offered to throw her a party for her friends but she said she doesn't have any friends. My husband suggested to me that we get a sitter for the kids (oldest is 7) and take au pair out to a nice dinner - just the three adults. To me, this feels like it crosses a line. I like my au pair but I don't have the bandwidth to be her friend with my job, my family and my own friends. She's definitely made comments like wanting to work out with me and go shopping with me (sans kids). I don't want that, but I also don't want to be unfriendly and seem selfish. Any advice???

Family party, WITH kids, either at home or at a kid-friendly restaurant.

Reach out to the LCC as well.

And don't cave on the boundaries. "Sorry, AP, I need to go work out and DH is working, that's why we scheduled you for these hours." Then, we she asks you to join her during her off hours: "Sorry AP, DH is with his friends and you're off, which means I'm with the kids. This is my time to do xyz while they play or play with them."

Yikes. I would never exclude the AP from hanging out with me/kids in her off time - that's hurtful and against the spirit of the program.

No, it's not. She's welcome to hang out in the kitchen. She's welcome to go along on family trips. But HM-AP 1-1? Yeah no, that's scrapping the boundaries completely.

[Anonymous]

You just do a family party, not adult. As the mom you could take her out for a manicure or special treat.