Nanny Burnout Experience?
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Anonymous
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We have a nanny for our two kids, 4 & 6 years old. She has been with us for the last 4 years since when the 4-year-old was born. She is paid to watch both and her pay has been increased standard and yearly. During the course of COVID, we have seen her become less and less engaged with the kids as their needs continue to evolve. She struggles to engage with the 4-year-old, who will often self play and the nanny will primarily sit and watch. The 6-year-old does DL independently or I sit with him as I work remotely. We have been okay with this arrangement as both children like her and we trust her. However, when she has both the 4 & 6-year-old, she struggles to handle the sibling dynamic and will continue to sit and watch them without much intervention (even when one is required). I have created schedules and given her games and activities to do but she lets the kids dictate the schedule. If they say no to an activity, she will not attempt to engage them in that or another activity and will say, "they don't want to do it." After multiple conversations about expectations, schedules, how to handle conflicts, we have realized that she is struggling to keep up with the evolving needs of the kids. Or maybe she has gotten too comfortable or lazy. She was great with them as babies and toddlers. However, we also realize she is trusty and practicing strict social distancing and fulfills the basic child care needs of our family while we all work from home BUT I am struggling with how to be okay this all of this. What would you do? Find someone new who can support the kids' needs better? Deal with current nanny through COVID?
How is your nanny juggling two children day to day? Any input/advice is appreciated! |
Anonymous
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I don’t know what to say beyond your need to lower your expectations and your children’s need to feel safe and loved by continuing with your nanny.
Your kids are at exhausting ages and their poor behavior needs to be corrected by you first. You tell the kids what your expectations are regarding their behavior with Nanny and you enforce consequences when they don’t. My parents did this as our grandmother was our babysitter - we towed the line because we’d get it when parents got home. Some nannies are just better with little ones. Make due until you don’t need her anymore. |
Anonymous
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Dream on. You’ll never find a better nanny now and certainly not for what you're paying your current nanny.
Maybe you need to step up and discipline the kids after the fact. They are certainly old enough to understand, “nanny told me you didn’t pick up your toys when she asked so no tablet/tv tonight”. Up your game, OP. |
Anonymous
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Wait, so because she takes a no from a child, she’s lazy? 4 and 6 are prime ages for wanting playtime with an adult watching, but not participating. And your child feels comfortable and safe enough to tell the nanny that they want to play independently. That’s a good thing!
Is she giving the kids a chance to work through some conflicts themselves, or is she just not intervening at all? Kids need to feel confident that they can handle social-emotional issues on their own, including sibling conflict, and the best way to build confidence is by letting them try first before intervening. Rule of thumb is to only intervene at the outset if there’s a history of bullying, physical aggression happening in that moment, or some other immediate need. If you jump in the moment they start to argue, they will not learn at home how to handle conflict, and that will handicap them with peers at school. Those were the only two issues I saw clearly explained. I’m not sure what you meant by not being able to handle the schedule; where are they going, and how late have they been? |
Anonymous
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Nanny here. I nanny 5yo twin boys so probably a similar workload to your nanny.
This summer was incredibly difficult. It was so hot, we had no real reprieve and it was exhausting trying to keep everyone entertained and quiet and constantly intervening in their bickering because they are sick of one another after all this time with nobody else to play with for days on end. Your nanny isn’t “getting too comfortable.” She is burnt out. I recently told my bosses that I need to cut back my hours because I am so fried after this summer and they said they would look for someone else. 4 weeks later and they said more than one agency in our major metropolitan region told them “we literally have zero nannies right now; any nanny who calls us gets snapped up right away.” So now I am staying with reduced hours an a substantial raise. Maybe see if you can give your nanny an extra long weekend over Thanksgiving so that she can reset and relax. |
Anonymous
| Nannies to parents-this has been a hard year for nannies. Parents to nannies-this has been a hard year for parents. The order of these two sentences is irrelevant. |
Anonymous
This is true, but OP is a parent, so it’s relevant to point out that the nanny market is bananas right now. So her question about how to be okay with sub-par performance really comes down to “you have no options.” |
Anonymous
| It’s possible that your nanny is simply embracing your children’s interests and intentionally staying on the sidelines. I am a nanny and I purposely “sit on my hands” and try not to interfere with a child’s play. If there is a struggle between the siblings she may believe in allowing them the opportunity for social development and conflict resolution. Nothing you said in your post screams lazy to me, but if you are truly dissatisfied then maybe it’s time to let her go. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the other posters. First, you need to take a more active approach to when your children behave poorly after the fact. You need to enforce consequences for their misbehavior after the fact. Second, four-year-olds should be able to play on their own. Third, you’ll never find a good nanny now. Fourth, and most importantly, your children love this nanny. She has been their security for four years. Please stop being so cavalier about the possibility of replacing her without hurting them.
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Anonymous
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MB here. OP - I sympathize, and i also agree with 20:35.
We struggle w/ sibling dynamics in our house, and having all of us (2 kids, 2 parents and a nanny) all cooped up in the house all day, for months on end, in stressful and worrying times.... is incredibly hard for everyone. I know that all of this makes me prone to frustration, and then prone to taking that frustration out on things I feel I might actually be able to control (like work, or kids, or a nanny, or a marriage,...) rather than on the things that are the biggest problem and with which I have the least control - like the pandemic. When we hit rough patches with our nanny (as has happened over the 9+ years and 3 nannies we've had) we try to step back - way back, and carefully look at our priorities and stress levels. Right now might be a time when you consciously decide it's ok to be less than perfect, it's ok to allow some screen time, it's ok for your nanny to be reflecting the exhaustins/depression/anxiety we're all feeling and so forth. And then it's important to remind yourself that you have stable, reliable, trusted, safe childcare. What does that make possible for you in your work, marriage, mental health,...? How stressful would it be to find a new nanny - any time, let alone during the pandemic? Would "dropping the rope" on this for a couple of months be something you could live with? Would giving your nanny the week of Thanksgiving off as a time to reset be possible for you, and valued by her? Might your conversations go differently with her if you approached her with "Hey, I know we've been pushing hard for more interaction with the kids, more hands on time, etc... I feel kind of at the end of my rope with life these days, and I want to try to figure out how not to take that out on people around me, and how to make sure the kids feel as little of that tension as possible. How are you feeling? What do you think the family needs? Is there anything that might help you enjoy your time with the kids more?" One of my mantras, which I have to remind myself of REGULARLY, is that I care most that my kids make it through this pandemic healthy, and as free of anxiety as possible. I want to emphasize fun and laughter in the house, even at the expense of some of our usual screentime or schedule boundaries, or even at the expense of being high achieving at virtual school. You're in this for the long haul right now - and I think the day to day calm and stability of the house might argue for working with your known scenario for another 6 months. It is true that some nannies are better w/ babies and others are better w/ older kids. Our first nanny was amazing with our twins until they hit about 3 - and then they got to be a little too much for her physically and in terms of managing preschool. Our second nanny was absolutely fantastic in terms of energy level for 4 yr olds but she only wanted a year commitment. Our current nanny is going into year 5 with us and things have been difficult during the pandemic. (I'm the poster in the employer column with the "potentially sad outcome" scenario.) But we are making it work. I think as much patience, understanding, and flexibility as you can find are good OP. I'd encourage you to just find a way to make this work for the time being. Your kids won't suffer permanent harm if the nanny can't keep them fully engaged, as long as she is providing calm, loving, stable care. And if keeping her lets you and your husband work, be calm, and feel like things are generally under control, then you are doing great. hang in there! |
Anonymous
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OP here - thank you everyone for the input and really good points. 10:42, thank you for the detailed input based on personal experience with your own long-term nannies.
I will take all of the advice you all have shared, take a chill pill and make it work! 
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Anonymous
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. (Not OP) |
Anonymous
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I posted upthread at 20:07. I wanted to come back to give some practical advice for what I have found to work:
1) Virtual school really doesn’t work for this age group. With my employers’ blessing, we bailed on school and bought the Learning Dynamics reading curriculum. I taught the twins to read and we do a handwriting practice page and they write a daily journal entry to practice writing, and we play a lot of board games and card games and use math manipulatives to practice math. Every other subject we cover via reading, watching documentaries, or playing games or doing projects. 2) For the nanny’s sanity, allow more screen time. I use 45 minutes-an hour per kid per day. They get 20-30 minutes of screen time while I work on reading and writing with their sibling, then we switch kids. Then they get another chunk right before dinner so that I can just concentrate on making dinner without constantly being interrupted. This routine allows each of them to have one-on-one time during school and gives me a mental break at the end of the day when things are hectic and we are all tired. 3)You need the correct gear to get outside in all weather. In summer this meant UPF clothing and hats and lots of toys that helped us get wet. In fall/winter that means washable, waterproof boots, rain and snow pants, rain and snow coats, and lots of mittens and hats. 4)You need a daily, weekly and monthly routine, that allows for a good balance between connection/independence, activity/downtime and consistency/novelty. Our daily schedule: Free play from wakeup-9am (while I prep breakfast, pack lunch and snacks and prep for our outing) Outing from 9-12. We eat snack and lunch outside most days. 12-1 Freeplay indoors (while I hang up and wash and put away outdoor gear and toys), then game time. 1-2 “school” for one kid and screen time for the other then switch 2-3 “rest time” where we all cuddle on the couch and listen to audiobooks 3-4 “Individual time” (I have a bin of activities they can do solo and they each pick one thing to play with alone in a separate room from their brother for at least 15 minutes, then they can switch if they want) 4-5 outdoor play round 2 (if weather is decent) or indoor gross-motor play of some kind 5-6 half an hour of tv, then dinner 6-7 bath, pjs, teeth, bedtime stories, etc. Our weekly schedule: We do all of the following each week to build some variety in, but the days vary so that we can take advantage of nice weather —One day per week we do a science project during our morning outside time —One day per week we do a big art project of some kind —One day per week we go on a big outing of some kind such as a faraway hike, going apple-picking, driving to a lake with a swim area in the summer, etc. —One day per week we have a “spa party” where they take an early bath instead of our usual quiet time and do bubble bath and glow sticks in the tub, we trim hair if needed, wash it in the bath, then do a massage and watch a cartoon while we trim nails. —One day per week we do “fancy dinner” where they wear collared shirts and practice eating with glass dishes and grown-up utensils and we light a candle on the table. While doing fancy dinner we call grandparents who read them a chapter of a book while they eat. —Once a week I have the boys read a book to a parent instead of to me for their reading lesson (or over the phone to a grandparents, depending on parent availability) —Every Friday, instead of their usual lesson they choose a book to read from a library of beginning reader books that I keep put away as an only-Friday treat. Having each weekday be special in some way helps it feel like not everything is the same old blah. We also look for other ways to shake up our routine, like if it’s a nice day outside we will do everything outdoors—have quiet time under a tree at the park, eat dinner on the porch, even do school outside. Our Monthly routine: —Once a month, each parent takes an hour off mid-morning for a short activity with one kid. —Once a month, each parent does lunch with one kid —Once a month we have a planning meeting and the kids tell me what they want to learn about (e.g. “Ankylosaurus”). We also talk about how they are doing in general. —I make a big deal of even minor holidays as a way to break up the sameness of our days. We had lots of silly pranks for April Fools, learn about the Star-Spangled Banner for Flag Day, watched Newsies and talked about the industrial revolution for Labor Day, made a ton of decorations for Halloween, etc. I find that it helps a lot to have things to look forward to every few weeks, so we talk up the things that are happening and make plans and get excited! |
Anonymous
| It's okay for the nanny to not be playing with the kids at all times. It's okay for the kids to play on their own sometimes. |
Anonymous
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OP, I have a quick question for you.
Do you prefer your Nanny to actively engage w/your children for the duration of her stay or do you encourage independent play as well? Would you say that your Nanny actively engages w/your children the majority of her time w/them? I am a Nanny & I have some parents who prefer me to continuously play w/their child(ren), while others prefer me to encourage independent play. The majority of the parents that I work for seem to prefer the former. Is your Nanny approachable? Perhaps you can find a way to diplomatically discuss this issue w/her vs. firing her since she has been w/you so long. I feel that searching for a brand-new Nanny during this pandemic may not be a good idea because you may not like the idea of a stranger in your home now + around your children. Whatever you choose to do - I wish you the best. |