What would help you in my mom´s situation?

[Anonymous]

Hi, future au-pair here.

I know there are many experienced host families and I was thinking maybe I can get some advice here

Long story short: I feel like becoming an au-pair in the USA is the right thing for me to do. It´s been about 3 years since the initial idea and now I feel I´m absolutely ready for this. I´m 23 yo and I´m in my final year of university so the timing is perfect - August 2021-August 2022 in the USA and then I can go back to school to get my master degree and have a fresh start instead of freezing my master studies for a year and then go back.

And now the problem - my mom. She´s totally against this. She is incredibly anxious that something will go wrong and the year will be a disaster. I find it very difficult to even talk to her about this because every response I get to anything I say is - the plane is gonna crash, your family is gonna kill you, someone will kidnap you, there´ll be a terrorist attack, you will have health issues and you´re gonna die a miserable death. I mean ... she does not have an idea how the program works but I´m not given the chance to explain everything. She doesn't listen...

She even told me she´ll do anything to prevent me from going and that she didn´t expect me to be so selfish after everything she has done for me. She also says I'm not grateful for what I have and that the need for traveling is stupid. I should be thankful for good health etc. OMG, I am !! I´m sooo thankful for it I just feel there´s nothing wrong with my idea ... or should I just sit home for the rest of my life and spend my time thinking how happy I am to be healthy?


Money is not an issue, I earned money enough to cover all the cost by summer part-time jobs and would never ask her to give me money for this.

To make it more real, she has never been abroad, works as a shop assistant, and is very closed to anything new. I´m a student of two schools (Art academy and university) and even this is so surreal to her. Every work that I do for school (read a book, write an essay...) she sees as a waste of time.

Last year, I was chosen to go abroad as an exchange student but she mentally broke down and so I ended up staying home and wasted that opportunity. I hate this.
She is a single mum and doesn't have anyone, just me. Her husband left her, her parents died, her sister is no interested in keeping in touch with her and she doesn´t even have real friends. She has a dog and so it´s not easy for her to go out and do something because she needs to take care of him.

I understand she feels very lonely and isolated... but I feel like I shouldn't pay for it. I just don´t know what to do, I genuinely love her but I don´t want to waste my opportunity.

My question is for you as a mother: What would help you in my mom´s situation? I know it may be difficult and scary for a parent to let her child do this adventure. Imagine your daughter will tell you about her dream like this - what is your response and how you handle the whole situation?

Maybe together we will find something I can tell my mom to make her feel better about this.

Thank you, E.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your mom has anxiety. Do you think she would be willing to talk to a professional therapist to address this? It’s unfair to you that her anxiety is getting in the way of your dreams and goals. You sound like a loving and compassionate daughter, but her issues are beyond anyone’s ability to treat who is not an experienced professional therapist.

[Anonymous]

Hi E.,

This is a difficult situation. It sounds like your mom would benefit from a therapist and possibly also medication. From what you are describing, your mom's condition sounds quite severe. If it is less severe than what you are describing, I can see two ways for you to proceed:
(1) sign up with an agency, find a host family, figure it all out, and then just tell your mom that you are leaving for a year. Period. One of our au pairs did this. She hid from her parents the entire application process. She came up with an excuse for traveling to the nearby city for the interview, etc. Her parents were not supportive, barely talked to her when she was here, did not want to hear anything about us, etc. This was, however, and amazing, formative year for our au pair. At the end, this may be what you need to do.
(2) try to get your mom's buy-in by including her in the process. Our last au pair's mom was very involved. On our first skype, it was her mother interviewing us, other than us interviewing the au pair. At the end, everything worked out, and we became close to the mother as well as our au pair.

Good luck with everything. Separating from your mother is an important step on your way to adulthood. I am sorry your mom is making it difficult,

Hug.

[Anonymous]

Our AP just did everything on the sly, and told her parents when the tickets were booked. I spoke to them in their native language b/f she got on the plane. She Whatsapps with them constantly and they talk on the phone every day. They weren't initially happy when she extended, but they came around. If you have aunts or close friends of your mother's that you know, try to set up a support system for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your mom has anxiety. Do you think she would be willing to talk to a professional therapist to address this? It’s unfair to you that her anxiety is getting in the way of your dreams and goals. You sound like a loving and compassionate daughter, but her issues are beyond anyone’s ability to treat who is not an experienced professional therapist.

Thank you for your comment! Yes, I've tried to talk with her about the therapist but she refused to go. She told me she´s not an idiot lol I´m sad she doesn´t get it. I even go to a therapist myself just because sometimes it´s good to talk with someone and get another point of view on your situation. I find it incredibly refreshing and no, I´m not an idiot (My mom calls me like this since she knows I go to therapy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi E.,

This is a difficult situation. It sounds like your mom would benefit from a therapist and possibly also medication. From what you are describing, your mom's condition sounds quite severe. If it is less severe than what you are describing, I can see two ways for you to proceed:
(1) sign up with an agency, find a host family, figure it all out, and then just tell your mom that you are leaving for a year. Period. One of our au pairs did this. She hid from her parents the entire application process. She came up with an excuse for traveling to the nearby city for the interview, etc. Her parents were not supportive, barely talked to her when she was here, did not want to hear anything about us, etc. This was, however, and amazing, formative year for our au pair. At the end, this may be what you need to do.
(2) try to get your mom's buy-in by including her in the process. Our last au pair's mom was very involved. On our first skype, it was her mother interviewing us, other than us interviewing the au pair. At the end, everything worked out, and we became close to the mother as well as our au pair.

Good luck with everything. Separating from your mother is an important step on your way to adulthood. I am sorry your mom is making it difficult,

Hug.

Hi, thank you for your suggestions!
I'm not sure I am able to do it without telling her... I always try to be honest and respectful, open communication is key to me.
But maybe include her in the process would be helpful! I haven´t thought about this option before! The problem is she doesn´t speak English at all but maybe I can translate for her.
Wow, you seem to be a really great HM, It´s awesome you were okay with your au pair´s mom to be a part of the interview. For some reason, I feel this may be a problem for some families. So thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our AP just did everything on the sly, and told her parents when the tickets were booked. I spoke to them in their native language b/f she got on the plane. She Whatsapps with them constantly and they talk on the phone every day. They weren't initially happy when she extended, but they came around. If you have aunts or close friends of your mother's that you know, try to set up a support system for her.

Hi, thank you! Yeah, I was thinking the same thing with her friends. The problem is they are on her side, when she told one of her friends about my plans, her friend (we are quite close) called me that evening and was begging me for staying home, saying my mom won´t be able to handle it. It kinda got me, I feel I have no support at all.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with going behind her back.
An option I'd at least try is information. If you want to, let her know that you feel like you missed out on opportunities when you turned down the chance to study abroad.

Are there other Au Pairs from your country that you could connect with?
I'd try and join Au Pair groups - gather information. Talk to your mom about the screening process, what happens if you get sick, etc.

Basically look at it from a stance of:
I understand fear A. This is how I would handle the situation. (and don't let it be "I'll just figure it out".)

You can also set a plan to call/text her daily. Once she's more comfortable, you can adjust it to less often.

[Anonymous]

You're going to have to piss her off at some point. Maybe it won't be doing this, but it'll be moving out of her home. Or getting married and traveling for your honeymoon. Getting a job far away, even if it's not being an au pair in another country.

So you just have to decide when you want to make her angry. Personally I think you should do it before you get married so she's only angry at you and not also a spouse. Your mother did not have a mental breakdown. She manipulated you to keep control of you. At some point, you will need to break free.

[Anonymous]

She is worried you will never come back. What country do you live in? Your English is excellent. I know most APs from Germany do not stay in the US and have no interest. Do you? That may go along way.

I do feel bad for you. Your mom is being selfish. One of my AP moms was very supportive but very very sad. Both her daughters were APs and then went home abs appreciated their mom and family even more. If you love something, set it free, as the saying goes. They came back to her.

[Anonymous]

Where are you from?

I am a former Au Pair

You should absolutely do it, it's such a wonderful experience, I'd go again in a heartbeat if I could !

Send your application and when the time gets closer, have a heart to heart conversation with your mom and tell her you are not letting her down but spreading your own wings.

Maybe she will be able to come and visit you and you can come back for the holidays as well ...

She's afraid of the empty nest, but once you show her you are happy I'm sure she will understand or at least be comforted that you're happy.

Good luck !!

[Anonymous]

You already broke one opportunity to go. Break your ties with her. Move out. Tell her you hate it that you missed the previous opportunity and she's the one who needs help.

Families like to see independence. Some will even ask if your family is supportive to judge whether you'll actually stay or get too homesick.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm from a culture where parents tend to have strong sway over their childen's lives, even well into adulthood. so I get it. I agree with a pp that your mom also sound like she has severe anxiety. If this were true, no amount of reasoning will work. She will not listen to rational, well thought out plans, b/c her mind is closed up to new things. You have only two choices: forge ahead and incur her wrath, or bow to her fear and be resentful for the rest of your life. I applaud your desire to be open and transparent with her, but be prepared that as the process moves along, her threats may escalate and she may actually carry out sabotages. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with going behind her back.
An option I'd at least try is information. If you want to, let her know that you feel like you missed out on opportunities when you turned down the chance to study abroad.

Are there other Au Pairs from your country that you could connect with?
I'd try and join Au Pair groups - gather information. Talk to your mom about the screening process, what happens if you get sick, etc.

Basically look at it from a stance of:
I understand fear A. This is how I would handle the situation. (and don't let it be "I'll just figure it out".)

You can also set a plan to call/text her daily. Once she's more comfortable, you can adjust it to less often.

Thank you for your advice! I feel I´ve tried to do these things... I even offered her some contacts to other au-pairs from our area but she told me she doesn´t care about them and they can do whatever they want to...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're going to have to piss her off at some point. Maybe it won't be doing this, but it'll be moving out of her home. Or getting married and traveling for your honeymoon. Getting a job far away, even if it's not being an au pair in another country.

So you just have to decide when you want to make her angry. Personally I think you should do it before you get married so she's only angry at you and not also a spouse. Your mother did not have a mental breakdown. She manipulated you to keep control of you. At some point, you will need to break free.

Thanks! I actually live out of her home, my Academy is in a different city but still, It takes about 5 hours to get home and I go back home from time to time.
The weird thing is she is ok with me living in a different part of the country but when It comes to a different country, she is no longer supportive.