How to bring up minor issues without seeming... crazy

[Anonymous]

A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

The bolded are you first mistake.

Fire her and hire an actual professional (meaning you will have to pay very well) OR fire her and interview someone with experience and desire to do a good job.

[Anonymous]

These things are common sense for experienced caregivers. If you bring them up she will likely be offended and move on. I suggest finding a new nanny, she’s not a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Hire someone with experience. Everything you stated is a result of hiring someone young and inexperienced.

[Anonymous]

I hear what everyone is saying but there is not exactly a wealth of experienced nannies readily available at present.

[Anonymous]

I’ve learned to live with stuff.

My criteria is whether my children are safe, content, and not in the room where I am working. I also keep in mind half of this stuff I wouldn’t even know about if I wasn’t children were in daycare or I wasn’t working from home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve learned to live with stuff.

My criteria is whether my children are safe, content, and not in the room where I am working. I also keep in mind half of this stuff I wouldn’t even know about if I wasn’t children were in daycare or I wasn’t working from home.

Thank you. I think this is what I needed to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

I'd prioritize, and offer suggestions as necessary:
-The teaching help stands out to be the most. You may need to give her tools to assist. I remember being a young 20-something and didn't really understand how to help a child with homework, because I didn't have the experience!
"Nanny, we don't want DC to get discouraged, especially during distance learning. instead of: "DC doesn't know her alphabet," we'd rather something more constructive - "DC struggled with letters today, but did a great job with numbers/shapes/colors"
"Nanny, we want to give DC time to sort through her classwork and would like you to be a little more hands off. DC learns better when we let them work on XYZ and then check the work afterwards for errors."

"Nanny, I understand that DC acts pushy sometimes, but we prefer to not use the word bossy because of negative connotations. Could you please replace it with spirited/authoritative/etc?"

The flowers thing I'd completely let go.

Milk - can you add ice to it? Or a more insulated cup? I'm not sure this is a hill worth dying on. Or you can change the narrative. "We're trying to help DC be more responsible. Could you remind DC to put the milk in the fridge when they aren't drinking it?"

Food - she may not realize you portion it out and then warm it up. Ask her. "Nanny, we'd prefer it if you portioned out the food before warming it up. This helps the leftovers last longer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

I'd prioritize, and offer suggestions as necessary:
-The teaching help stands out to be the most. You may need to give her tools to assist. I remember being a young 20-something and didn't really understand how to help a child with homework, because I didn't have the experience!
"Nanny, we don't want DC to get discouraged, especially during distance learning. instead of: "DC doesn't know her alphabet," we'd rather something more constructive - "DC struggled with letters today, but did a great job with numbers/shapes/colors"
"Nanny, we want to give DC time to sort through her classwork and would like you to be a little more hands off. DC learns better when we let them work on XYZ and then check the work afterwards for errors."

"Nanny, I understand that DC acts pushy sometimes, but we prefer to not use the word bossy because of negative connotations. Could you please replace it with spirited/authoritative/etc?"

The flowers thing I'd completely let go.

Milk - can you add ice to it? Or a more insulated cup? I'm not sure this is a hill worth dying on. Or you can change the narrative. "We're trying to help DC be more responsible. Could you remind DC to put the milk in the fridge when they aren't drinking it?"

Food - she may not realize you portion it out and then warm it up. Ask her. "Nanny, we'd prefer it if you portioned out the food before warming it up. This helps the leftovers last longer."

OP again -- thank you so, so much for spelling this out in such a productive way. This is amazing and exactly what I needed. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped around the potential awkwardness of the conversation, I lost all sight of how to talk about it. Seriously grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear what everyone is saying but there is not exactly a wealth of experienced nannies readily available at present.

Maybe not but, OP could hire someone with common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

I'd prioritize, and offer suggestions as necessary:
-The teaching help stands out to be the most. You may need to give her tools to assist. I remember being a young 20-something and didn't really understand how to help a child with homework, because I didn't have the experience!
"Nanny, we don't want DC to get discouraged, especially during distance learning. instead of: "DC doesn't know her alphabet," we'd rather something more constructive - "DC struggled with letters today, but did a great job with numbers/shapes/colors"
"Nanny, we want to give DC time to sort through her classwork and would like you to be a little more hands off. DC learns better when we let them work on XYZ and then check the work afterwards for errors."

"Nanny, I understand that DC acts pushy sometimes, but we prefer to not use the word bossy because of negative connotations. Could you please replace it with spirited/authoritative/etc?"

The flowers thing I'd completely let go.

Milk - can you add ice to it? Or a more insulated cup? I'm not sure this is a hill worth dying on. Or you can change the narrative. "We're trying to help DC be more responsible. Could you remind DC to put the milk in the fridge when they aren't drinking it?"

Food - she may not realize you portion it out and then warm it up. Ask her. "Nanny, we'd prefer it if you portioned out the food before warming it up. This helps the leftovers last longer."

OP again -- thank you so, so much for spelling this out in such a productive way. This is amazing and exactly what I needed. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped around the potential awkwardness of the conversation, I lost all sight of how to talk about it. Seriously grateful.

You're welcome! I should add: try the compliment sandwich method for the conversation, too. Have a few items that you're happy with.

"You do such a great job with ____."
"We'd like to work with you on ____."
"Thank you for doing ___ last week. It really made life easier for us/DC said they had so much fun."

It seems silly to jump on a bandwagon of "fire her" when there are things you like about her - no one will be perfect. I also think it's great to open up the discussion for her. "Is there anything we can work on to make things smoother for you?" If she can't think of anything on the spot, leave the door open for a future chat - "if you'd like, we can touch base in a week or two to discuss any concerns you have."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

I'd prioritize, and offer suggestions as necessary:
-The teaching help stands out to be the most. You may need to give her tools to assist. I remember being a young 20-something and didn't really understand how to help a child with homework, because I didn't have the experience!
"Nanny, we don't want DC to get discouraged, especially during distance learning. instead of: "DC doesn't know her alphabet," we'd rather something more constructive - "DC struggled with letters today, but did a great job with numbers/shapes/colors"
"Nanny, we want to give DC time to sort through her classwork and would like you to be a little more hands off. DC learns better when we let them work on XYZ and then check the work afterwards for errors."

"Nanny, I understand that DC acts pushy sometimes, but we prefer to not use the word bossy because of negative connotations. Could you please replace it with spirited/authoritative/etc?"

The flowers thing I'd completely let go.

Milk - can you add ice to it? Or a more insulated cup? I'm not sure this is a hill worth dying on. Or you can change the narrative. "We're trying to help DC be more responsible. Could you remind DC to put the milk in the fridge when they aren't drinking it?"

Food - she may not realize you portion it out and then warm it up. Ask her. "Nanny, we'd prefer it if you portioned out the food before warming it up. This helps the leftovers last longer."

OP again -- thank you so, so much for spelling this out in such a productive way. This is amazing and exactly what I needed. I feel like I've gotten so wrapped around the potential awkwardness of the conversation, I lost all sight of how to talk about it. Seriously grateful.

You're welcome! I should add: try the compliment sandwich method for the conversation, too. Have a few items that you're happy with.

"You do such a great job with ____."
"We'd like to work with you on ____."
"Thank you for doing ___ last week. It really made life easier for us/DC said they had so much fun."

It seems silly to jump on a bandwagon of "fire her" when there are things you like about her - no one will be perfect. I also think it's great to open up the discussion for her. "Is there anything we can work on to make things smoother for you?" If she can't think of anything on the spot, leave the door open for a future chat - "if you'd like, we can touch base in a week or two to discuss any concerns you have."

You’re paying for a service. If your pediatrician, dentist or hairdresser sucked would you work with them or find a new one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago we hired a young person to assist our Pre-K kid with online learning (we're in DC and are in a school we like and want to keep our spot.) We knew this person loosely and she is a very nice and gregarious young 20-something.

We're starting to notice some tiny issues and I'm looking for a way to broach them without sounding crazy. In the past, prior to Pre-K our child was in a daycare center so all of this is new to us. The issues are things like

- Overheating food to the point it's almost inedible or not portioning food, like we can't leave a full container of mac and cheese for instance, it has to be portioned otherwise it will all be reheated and left out
- Leaving a cup of milk out all day and not putting it in the fridge when our child is done with it
- I think our child might have picked flowers from someone's yard on a walk. When I asked about it she said, "Well they weren't at the front of the house, don't worry."
- Mentioning that our child doesn't know or forgot all of X like "doesn't know her alphabet" to the point where our child tells us that her caregiver doesn't thing she knows X. (I just don't want our child to get discouraged -- this COVID stuff is rough enough)
- We've seen her kind of over-prompting our child for answers for the teacher or doing the work for our child for instance finding things the teacher asked the children to find
- She'll say that our child is bossy - I get why but I really hate that word being used in reference to children

For the most part, these things seem like common sense to me, so feel like bringing them up at all is insulting - that said, they are things that are bothering us and I'd like for them to be fixed if possible. They don't feel like dealbreakers but things that can be tweaked (we can portion out food, maybe she can remember to put away the milk after breakfast, etc.).

Just for reference, this is a part time situation, about 25 hours per week. Really open to any suggestions regarding how to broach things gently and thanks.

She's messy-that sucks. You're kid is bossy and not liking the word isn't going to change it.

[Anonymous]

*Your

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You’re paying for a service. If your pediatrician, dentist or hairdresser sucked would you work with them or find a new one?

I disagree. To use some of your examples:
Let's say my hairdresser cut my fringe too short, or added too many layers. I wouldn't run out to find a new one. I'd make sure I said something the next time.
Dentist gave me a shot to numb my mouth before a filling. Came in to check and I'm not numb enough - I'd speak up, and ask him to adjust it.
Dentist filled the wrong tooth? THEN you'd just switch. But I'd consider the examples OP gave to be on par with things that can be addressed. If OP brings up a discussion and nanny is rude about it/not open to change, then OP should consider whether to let things go or move on.