Potentially sad outcome with nanny

[Anonymous]

Our nanny/housekeeper has been with us for 3.5 years, including during the pandemic shutdown (apart from an initial quarantine period.) She's great, we anticipate her being with us several more years, she envisions the same.

As we are emerging from shutdown and things are opening up, our kids (elementary age) are going to be going to our neighborhood pool and participating in modified camp activities on occasion. All within appropriate guidelines, all outdoors, etc...

This has made our nanny suddenly, dramatically, more anxious. She now wants to wear a mask when working (in our home), is uneasy being close to our kids ("I won't sit close to them on the couch"), and is clearly really struggling.

We can't fathom having a nanny who is afraid to be near our kids, and we also are going to continue to resume more normal activities (as appropriate/allowed/reasonable). And if schools reopen in the fall our kids will go. So we are faced (both she and we) with a really tough situation that we didn't see coming. I didn't foresee that coming OUT of stay at home orders would actually be harder than going in, or staying in, lockdown mode. We fully respect her right and need to do whatever makes her feel safe, but we may not be willing to support what that would require our family to do.

I don't know what we'll do. If she decided she can't stay in this job we will understand and figure it out. But I fear that it won't be that clear cut and we'll all feel anxious or miserable or unhappy with whatever we try to piece together. And I don't know how long that will go on, as a clinical answer (vaccine, risk guarantees,etc...) isn't forthcoming.

Not sure I have a question here, but if anyone has advice - or is navigating this actively right now - I'm all ears. I am not sure I see a way out of this without loss for us or real fear/stress on her side.

[Anonymous]

Can you have your pediatrician talk to her about how kids transmit COVID? If she's an older lady she may be really scared of getting it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she’s truly anxious and might benefit from talking to her doctor to get fact-based information about the risks of no longer fully quarantining. She might also benefit from counseling to help her process through her fears.

A lot of nannies are experiencing anxiety right now. I think we felt the need to stay strong through the last months to help our employers and our charges. Now it’s possible that we are allowing ourselves to feel the anxiety we shut down, and we need to process our fears and concerns.

[Anonymous]

She is in her mid-thirties and is truly anxious. She is talking to her therapist this evening about how to work her way through it.

We would all love for this to work out but I'm not particularly optimistic. This is a time of such acute risk management and anxiety for everyone and it's not going away soon. And we don't want our kids living w/ a constant atmosphere of fear - or feeling like they can't hug the third most important adult in their daily lives.

Even if we find ways to help her feel more comfortable with today's risk, there will be something else tomorrow or next week or next month.

[Anonymous]

She is right. If the kids are going to the pool and camps, the kids are exposed and she will be exposed. You may be willing to take the risk, but she's telling you she is not, which is ok. Give her notice so she can find a family who is being careful if you are not willing. We aren't sending ours to camp nor would consider hanging out at a pool or playground. Good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If the kids are going to the pool and camps, the kids are exposed and she will be exposed. You may be willing to take the risk, but she's telling you she is not, which is ok. Give her notice so she can find a family who is being careful if you are not willing. We aren't sending ours to camp nor would consider hanging out at a pool or playground. Good for her.

She doesn't want to be fired - it would be emotionally and financially devastating to her, and not just because of us but because that would mean that she can't do the job she loves (nannying) for the foreseeable future. If you're hiring a nanny right now we'd be thrilled to put you in touch if it turns out she needs to quit. And we don't want it to come to that - but it might. Hence the whole point of "potentially sad outcome".

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is just really fearful and struggling right now. I wouldn’t give up on her just yet and allow her a little space and time to get things straight in her own mind. Try every way to help her before you throw in the towel, OP.

If the end comes, handle things calmly for your kids’ sake. Let them see her and have her visit a lot during the transition.


What are you going to do without her, OP? It’s a really tough time to find a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know of a nanny that wouldn’t be more anxious given your children’s ages and planned activities. Good luck with replacing her with someone who isn’t bringing more risk into your household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know of a nanny that wouldn’t be more anxious given your children’s ages and planned activities. Good luck with replacing her with someone who isn’t bringing more risk into your household.

+1. I’m a nanny and would be concerned as well. There is still so much unknown and contradictory in the advice given.

I echo the above: give her time. She doesn’t have to sit and watch TV with your kids and there is nothing wrong with wearing a mask in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is right. If the kids are going to the pool and camps, the kids are exposed and she will be exposed. You may be willing to take the risk, but she's telling you she is not, which is ok. Give her notice so she can find a family who is being careful if you are not willing. We aren't sending ours to camp nor would consider hanging out at a pool or playground. Good for her.

She doesn't want to be fired - it would be emotionally and financially devastating to her, and not just because of us but because that would mean that she can't do the job she loves (nannying) for the foreseeable future. If you're hiring a nanny right now we'd be thrilled to put you in touch if it turns out she needs to quit. And we don't want it to come to that - but it might. Hence the whole point of "potentially sad outcome".

She is right and you don't care about her health or safety. You have a nanny so no need to go to camp. Why put her and your kids at risk?

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides of this issue.
However I can see the Nanny’s perspective much more logically.

It would be very sad if your Nanny has to be laid off.
You + your children will no doubt miss her being such an important part of everyone’s lives.
But you can always remain in touch w/ her.
She can always occasionally babysit later on when she feels more uncomfortable.

But it is normal for her to feel anxious about the COVID-19 - especially right now as cases are seeing their numbers rise each day.

[Anonymous]

(Cont.)
I am not sure where you are located, but in S.CA where I live the new daily positive cases has risen to 7%!
We reopened earlier than most, which means that we are actually worse off than we were in March (though we have more hospital beds available now.)

This is all, new uncharted territory.
Everyone has been affected by this serious pandemic some way.

Good luck in whatever your outcome is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is just really fearful and struggling right now. I wouldn’t give up on her just yet and allow her a little space and time to get things straight in her own mind. Try every way to help her before you throw in the towel, OP.

If the end comes, handle things calmly for your kids’ sake. Let them see her and have her visit a lot during the transition.


What are you going to do without her, OP? It’s a really tough time to find a nanny.

Yes, I agree w/ you. We're all afraid - that's normal, and we absolutely will give this time and will work with her. I had a pretty strong reaction to the nanny saying she wouldn't hug or be close to our kids but I'm calmer now. I think we'll figure it out. And there is no scenario where the kids wouldn't have an ongoing relationship w/ her. They still are close w/ their first nanny (also with us for almost 4 years) so if/when this ends the same will be true here.

If she leaves us we won't look for another nanny. The kids are getting older and with both parents working from home most of the time now (and one of us w/ some real job insecurity) we would probably just decide we're done w/ the nannying stage of parenting. So we could figure things out without replacing her if need be, but hopefully it won't need to come to that.

I appreciate the feedback from everyone who responded.

[Anonymous]

You are putting her health and life at risk without first discussing it with her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are putting her health and life at risk without first discussing it with her!

Actually, no - she knew everything we were planning and has known for weeks. Nothing was a surprise, except how much her anxiety ramped up over the weekend and how she suddenly planned to limit contact.

Nothing we plan for the kids, especially during the summer or while we've all been staying at home, is ever planned without her knowledge and we specifically discussed camp and the pool - which she agreed she wanted them to do.