Au Pair "Training" During Quarantine

[Anonymous]

Would love your advice on the following matter. We have an AP who has been with us for 2 months (this is our 5th AP). I had concerns early on but was willing to give it the 60 days to get to know each other, etc. Long story short, we had a plan to rematch (unbeknownst to her) and that fell through due to Shelter in Place.

While I am SO grateful to have childcare, wondering thoughts on either a) best approach to bringing up our concerns and training her to our level of expectations OR b) if we should just let it go since this is literally during a global catastrophe and she is able to more or less care for our children while we work. FWIW she is not particularly easy to train.

Would love to hear your thoughts! Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

Why does this have to be an either/or? Pick one or two items that are not to your standards and provide specific suggestions for how to fix them given current situation. Thank her for providing care for your kids during crisis. Reevaluate after the pandemic ends. She doesn't need to know you are thinking about rematching right now since it's not really safe for her to leave. See if she improves with feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does this have to be an either/or? Pick one or two items that are not to your standards and provide specific suggestions for how to fix them given current situation. Thank her for providing care for your kids during crisis. Reevaluate after the pandemic ends. She doesn't need to know you are thinking about rematching right now since it's not really safe for her to leave. See if she improves with feedback.

She doesn't improve much with feedback, we have been giving feedback both large and small since she came.

I guess the reason for the all or nothing approach is that it's such a unique situation in that we are all home full time, we can both make it very clear what the expectations are as well as model/teach/train exactly what we are looking for.

We definitely won't be bringing up the rematching as I no longer consider it an option atm.

Thanks for your input!

[Anonymous]

To play Devil's advocate:
She's been with you two months and you've given feedback, large and small, since she arrived?

Has there been any constructive criticism? Any praise?

[Anonymous]

Could you elucidate on your “level of expectations” so we can assess for reasonableness. Could you further indicate wat emotional support you are providing for AP in these troubled times?

[Anonymous]

This would be in tolerable for us. I'd rematch and hire a competent sitter.

[Anonymous]

I'd stick it out and lower your expectations - if she is doing enough to allow you both to work while she handles the kids, I'd call that a win. Make her feel good with praise and maybe a small bonus to say thank you - this may motivate her to improve where you need her to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you elucidate on your “level of expectations” so we can assess for reasonableness. Could you further indicate wat emotional support you are providing for AP in these troubled times?

Actually this may be helpful, lol. As far as level of expectations, we'd prefer, for instance, for her to sweep when the little one makes a mess eating and things get on the floor. We'd like laundry to be done more frequently so the kids always have clean clothes to wear. When she makes a meal for herself or the children, I'd like her to clean up after herself so I don't have to do it. When she brings her trash up, I'd prefer it to go in the outside bin as opposed to the kitchen trash (especially when it's already full). Maybe I need to determine the things that drive me "most crazy" lol and start there.

This is in the handbook, that we have gone over, but this au pair has seemed fairly miserable since arriving. I've talked to her and had the LCC talk to her and she assures us this is just how she is. Maybe she is homesick or depressed though, she'll still call home between 5-10 times a day. Again, we had a plan to rematch as soon as our gap childcare arrived mid March, but pandemic (a former AP was coming to visit for a few weeks and was going to help us during the transition). I have asked if she wanted to go home during the pandemic but she'd prefer to stay here.

We had a serious conversation about a week or two after her arrival because I would ask her to do things, and not only would she not, she'd sometimes do the opposite. I don't know if it's language or personality.
I still see this sometimes but when she first came it was constant, big things to small. (For example, a small thing- I was teaching her how to make microwave popcorn because she had never done it and she was refusing to open the microwave when I told her to, numerous times, arguing with me because she didn't think the popcorn was done. How various appliances worked, she would argue with me about. A big thing- everyday the routine is my children go to their nearby cousins house after school, they also have an AP, the children all play for 1-2 hours. AP just wouldn't go.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stick it out and lower your expectations - if she is doing enough to allow you both to work while she handles the kids, I'd call that a win. Make her feel good with praise and maybe a small bonus to say thank you - this may motivate her to improve where you need her to.

Thanks. Obviously since rematch really isn't an option this is what we are probably going to do... of all the things she does, playing with the youngest is her greatest strength so that's helpful.

[Anonymous]

She does sound like a dud, but this is a crazy time. Calling home 5-10 times a day is a signal that something is very wrong. Maybe she is really anxious about the virus here or in her home country. Do your best for now to iron out some of the wrinkles and then see what happens once we are allowed to go out again. It can't be fun for her to be holed up in a foreign country either.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you are providing her with any emotional support or that pre-virus, you devoted any time to actually fostering a true cultural exchange (teaching someone how to microwave popcorn doesn't cut it). I do kids laundry, and then leave it in a basket on the dining room table and ask AP to fold and put away. I also leave a handheld vacuum in the kitchen and a swiffer, and strategically made coffee around the end of breakfast a couple of times and asked her to do me a favor and clean under the high chair after. Or rinse and put dishes in dishwasher. They do not always read the handbook or understand the handbook. Try to work with the AP instead of essentially expecting the AP to be your housekeeper. Let the AP train you on how to be a better house family and parents to older children - it's good training for when you have teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does sound like a dud, but this is a crazy time. Calling home 5-10 times a day is a signal that something is very wrong. Maybe she is really anxious about the virus here or in her home country. Do your best for now to iron out some of the wrinkles and then see what happens once we are allowed to go out again. It can't be fun for her to be holed up in a foreign country either.

Oh absolutely, I feel terrible about her experience but she insists she's happy. It's a very odd situation- I had the LCC talk to her and I was honestly expecting her to break down crying but she was like "no I love it!" so I am just flummoxed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you elucidate on your “level of expectations” so we can assess for reasonableness. Could you further indicate wat emotional support you are providing for AP in these troubled times?

Actually this may be helpful, lol. As far as level of expectations, we'd prefer, for instance, for her to sweep when the little one makes a mess eating and things get on the floor. We'd like laundry to be done more frequently so the kids always have clean clothes to wear. When she makes a meal for herself or the children, I'd like her to clean up after herself so I don't have to do it. When she brings her trash up, I'd prefer it to go in the outside bin as opposed to the kitchen trash (especially when it's already full). Maybe I need to determine the things that drive me "most crazy" lol and start there.

This is in the handbook, that we have gone over, but this au pair has seemed fairly miserable since arriving. I've talked to her and had the LCC talk to her and she assures us this is just how she is. Maybe she is homesick or depressed though, she'll still call home between 5-10 times a day. Again, we had a plan to rematch as soon as our gap childcare arrived mid March, but pandemic (a former AP was coming to visit for a few weeks and was going to help us during the transition). I have asked if she wanted to go home during the pandemic but she'd prefer to stay here.

We had a serious conversation about a week or two after her arrival because I would ask her to do things, and not only would she not, she'd sometimes do the opposite. I don't know if it's language or personality.
I still see this sometimes but when she first came it was constant, big things to small. (For example, a small thing- I was teaching her how to make microwave popcorn because she had never done it and she was refusing to open the microwave when I told her to, numerous times, arguing with me because she didn't think the popcorn was done. How various appliances worked, she would argue with me about. A big thing- everyday the routine is my children go to their nearby cousins house after school, they also have an AP, the children all play for 1-2 hours. AP just wouldn't go.)

One thing: Maybe she doesn't want to go to the cousins because she doesn't want to get sick? Aren't we all supposed to stay home theses days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

One thing: Maybe she doesn't want to go to the cousins because she doesn't want to get sick? Aren't we all supposed to stay home theses days?

Yeah that example was from when she first came. Like the schedule was to pick the youngest up from school and go to the cousins house. and she was basically like "nah I'm good".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like you are providing her with any emotional support or that pre-virus, you devoted any time to actually fostering a true cultural exchange (teaching someone how to microwave popcorn doesn't cut it). I do kids laundry, and then leave it in a basket on the dining room table and ask AP to fold and put away. I also leave a handheld vacuum in the kitchen and a swiffer, and strategically made coffee around the end of breakfast a couple of times and asked her to do me a favor and clean under the high chair after. Or rinse and put dishes in dishwasher. They do not always read the handbook or understand the handbook. Try to work with the AP instead of essentially expecting the AP to be your housekeeper. Let the AP train you on how to be a better house family and parents to older children - it's good training for when you have teenagers.

Oh, I agree with this. It has been an unusual relationship, and circumstances, and we'd been planning on rematching we were just waiting for Spring Break. It's ok, I'd just like to make the best of it all around.

So what do you suggest I start with in terms of cultural exchange? We've not had trouble with this in the past...