Au Pair "Training" During Quarantine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like you are providing her with any emotional support or that pre-virus, you devoted any time to actually fostering a true cultural exchange (teaching someone how to microwave popcorn doesn't cut it). I do kids laundry, and then leave it in a basket on the dining room table and ask AP to fold and put away. I also leave a handheld vacuum in the kitchen and a swiffer, and strategically made coffee around the end of breakfast a couple of times and asked her to do me a favor and clean under the high chair after. Or rinse and put dishes in dishwasher. They do not always read the handbook or understand the handbook. Try to work with the AP instead of essentially expecting the AP to be your housekeeper. Let the AP train you on how to be a better house family and parents to older children - it's good training for when you have teenagers.

Oh, I agree with this. It has been an unusual relationship, and circumstances, and we'd been planning on rematching we were just waiting for Spring Break. It's ok, I'd just like to make the best of it all around.

So what do you suggest I start with in terms of cultural exchange? We've not had trouble with this in the past...

Well what kind of cultural activities are people doing these days? Pretty much biking, walking and watching TV. You could invite her to take a walk with you while your DH watches the kids. Could be an opportunity to bond, but will at a minimum give you both some exercise and clear your minds. Or specifically invite her to a family movie night where she is not expected to do child care. Or grown ups only for something with a more mature theme. Some great shows on the PBS app now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you elucidate on your “level of expectations” so we can assess for reasonableness. Could you further indicate wat emotional support you are providing for AP in these troubled times?

Actually this may be helpful, lol. As far as level of expectations, we'd prefer, for instance, for her to sweep when the little one makes a mess eating and things get on the floor. We'd like laundry to be done more frequently so the kids always have clean clothes to wear. When she makes a meal for herself or the children, I'd like her to clean up after herself so I don't have to do it. When she brings her trash up, I'd prefer it to go in the outside bin as opposed to the kitchen trash (especially when it's already full). Maybe I need to determine the things that drive me "most crazy" lol and start there.

This is in the handbook, that we have gone over, but this au pair has seemed fairly miserable since arriving. I've talked to her and had the LCC talk to her and she assures us this is just how she is. Maybe she is homesick or depressed though, she'll still call home between 5-10 times a day. Again, we had a plan to rematch as soon as our gap childcare arrived mid March, but pandemic (a former AP was coming to visit for a few weeks and was going to help us during the transition). I have asked if she wanted to go home during the pandemic but she'd prefer to stay here.

We had a serious conversation about a week or two after her arrival because I would ask her to do things, and not only would she not, she'd sometimes do the opposite. I don't know if it's language or personality.
I still see this sometimes but when she first came it was constant, big things to small. (For example, a small thing- I was teaching her how to make microwave popcorn because she had never done it and she was refusing to open the microwave when I told her to, numerous times, arguing with me because she didn't think the popcorn was done. How various appliances worked, she would argue with me about. A big thing- everyday the routine is my children go to their nearby cousins house after school, they also have an AP, the children all play for 1-2 hours. AP just wouldn't go.)

One thing: Maybe she doesn't want to go to the cousins because she doesn't want to get sick? Aren't we all supposed to stay home theses days?

Maybe the other AP is not nice. Did you even ask her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like you are providing her with any emotional support or that pre-virus, you devoted any time to actually fostering a true cultural exchange (teaching someone how to microwave popcorn doesn't cut it). I do kids laundry, and then leave it in a basket on the dining room table and ask AP to fold and put away. I also leave a handheld vacuum in the kitchen and a swiffer, and strategically made coffee around the end of breakfast a couple of times and asked her to do me a favor and clean under the high chair after. Or rinse and put dishes in dishwasher. They do not always read the handbook or understand the handbook. Try to work with the AP instead of essentially expecting the AP to be your housekeeper. Let the AP train you on how to be a better house family and parents to older children - it's good training for when you have teenagers.

Oh, I agree with this. It has been an unusual relationship, and circumstances, and we'd been planning on rematching we were just waiting for Spring Break. It's ok, I'd just like to make the best of it all around.

So what do you suggest I start with in terms of cultural exchange? We've not had trouble with this in the past...

What did you do for past Au pairs to expose them to different cultural activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

One thing: Maybe she doesn't want to go to the cousins because she doesn't want to get sick? Aren't we all supposed to stay home theses days?

Yeah that example was from when she first came. Like the schedule was to pick the youngest up from school and go to the cousins house. and she was basically like "nah I'm good".

Is it possible that the other AP wasn’t friendly to her or was putting her in charge of all the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is it possible that the other AP wasn’t friendly to her or was putting her in charge of all the kids?

I don't think that's too possible- the other kids are actually SUPER EASY (like ridiculously so) and AP never mentioned anything like this, she would just say like "oh I have an excuse" (excuses abound!) and I would be like "np but I do want you guys to go over there. Our last AP did it everyday and became good friends with the other AP and she's pretty rad overall (I think) and my sister works from home so I seriously doubt my AP was being mistreated.

We took her on a skiing trip after she first came, honestly, this is where my annoyance with her all started I think. At one point I remember she was on the phone and asking me to put her ski boots on, and then she missed her lesson just because she lost track of time. She'll also do things like facetime with people at the dinner table while we are all over at a friends house for dinner and then we are sort of like "you know you'd be able to hear better if you went in another room". Just really odd. And a lot of work.

previous APs- do things like take them skiing with us, take them boating, take them places, to games, we do family movie nights and board games (where AP isn't expected to take care of the kids, etc). I generally become quick enough 'friends' with my APs, but this one ... I'm just not sure of her true motivations to be an au pair, ya know? She hasn't really bonded with any of the kids or any of us, doesn't come out to do things with us, etc. My teenager even asked me to please speak with her about her BO. I'm really not sure she isn't depressed I just don't know what to do about it, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is it possible that the other AP wasn’t friendly to her or was putting her in charge of all the kids?

I don't think that's too possible- the other kids are actually SUPER EASY (like ridiculously so) and AP never mentioned anything like this, she would just say like "oh I have an excuse" (excuses abound!) and I would be like "np but I do want you guys to go over there. Our last AP did it everyday and became good friends with the other AP and she's pretty rad overall (I think) and my sister works from home so I seriously doubt my AP was being mistreated.

We took her on a skiing trip after she first came, honestly, this is where my annoyance with her all started I think. At one point I remember she was on the phone and asking me to put her ski boots on, and then she missed her lesson just because she lost track of time. She'll also do things like facetime with people at the dinner table while we are all over at a friends house for dinner and then we are sort of like "you know you'd be able to hear better if you went in another room". Just really odd. And a lot of work.

previous APs- do things like take them skiing with us, take them boating, take them places, to games, we do family movie nights and board games (where AP isn't expected to take care of the kids, etc). I generally become quick enough 'friends' with my APs, but this one ... I'm just not sure of her true motivations to be an au pair, ya know? She hasn't really bonded with any of the kids or any of us, doesn't come out to do things with us, etc. My teenager even asked me to please speak with her about her BO. I'm really not sure she isn't depressed I just don't know what to do about it, ya know?

Wow lot of things wrong with her behavior tbh. Just hold the course until things get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is it possible that the other AP wasn’t friendly to her or was putting her in charge of all the kids?

I don't think that's too possible- the other kids are actually SUPER EASY (like ridiculously so) and AP never mentioned anything like this, she would just say like "oh I have an excuse" (excuses abound!) and I would be like "np but I do want you guys to go over there. Our last AP did it everyday and became good friends with the other AP and she's pretty rad overall (I think) and my sister works from home so I seriously doubt my AP was being mistreated.

We took her on a skiing trip after she first came, honestly, this is where my annoyance with her all started I think. At one point I remember she was on the phone and asking me to put her ski boots on, and then she missed her lesson just because she lost track of time. She'll also do things like facetime with people at the dinner table while we are all over at a friends house for dinner and then we are sort of like "you know you'd be able to hear better if you went in another room". Just really odd. And a lot of work.

previous APs- do things like take them skiing with us, take them boating, take them places, to games, we do family movie nights and board games (where AP isn't expected to take care of the kids, etc). I generally become quick enough 'friends' with my APs, but this one ... I'm just not sure of her true motivations to be an au pair, ya know? She hasn't really bonded with any of the kids or any of us, doesn't come out to do things with us, etc. My teenager even asked me to please speak with her about her BO. I'm really not sure she isn't depressed I just don't know what to do about it, ya know?

Wow lot of things wrong with her behavior tbh. Just hold the course until things get better.

Okay, everything other than hanging out with the other AP and kids every afternoon sounds problematic. You said she doesn’t take correction well, so why didn’t you rematch after a month?

Out of curiosity, why was it so imperative that they go over every afternoon? That seems very strange to me. And unless your sister’s AP extended, it’s not the same person for more than a year, so maybe the newer AP has a less friendly personality? How is your sister able to wfh, monitor the APs/children and get her work done? Maybe the AP felt watched constantly while there? Did you ask for a concrete reason about why she didn’t want to go? (First you said she said something along the lines of “I’m fine.” That implied to me that she viewed it as an offer for f help, but she didn’t feel Help was necessary. Now, you’re saying she offered multiple excuses not to go, which leads me to believe that there was something undesirable about being there. Due to the change in narrative, I can’t figure out which is the case, or whether it’s totally different.)

Good luck OP. I do think this one sounds like a dud, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with her now versus rematching immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is it possible that the other AP wasn’t friendly to her or was putting her in charge of all the kids?

I don't think that's too possible- the other kids are actually SUPER EASY (like ridiculously so) and AP never mentioned anything like this, she would just say like "oh I have an excuse" (excuses abound!) and I would be like "np but I do want you guys to go over there. Our last AP did it everyday and became good friends with the other AP and she's pretty rad overall (I think) and my sister works from home so I seriously doubt my AP was being mistreated.

We took her on a skiing trip after she first came, honestly, this is where my annoyance with her all started I think. At one point I remember she was on the phone and asking me to put her ski boots on, and then she missed her lesson just because she lost track of time. She'll also do things like facetime with people at the dinner table while we are all over at a friends house for dinner and then we are sort of like "you know you'd be able to hear better if you went in another room". Just really odd. And a lot of work.

previous APs- do things like take them skiing with us, take them boating, take them places, to games, we do family movie nights and board games (where AP isn't expected to take care of the kids, etc). I generally become quick enough 'friends' with my APs, but this one ... I'm just not sure of her true motivations to be an au pair, ya know? She hasn't really bonded with any of the kids or any of us, doesn't come out to do things with us, etc. My teenager even asked me to please speak with her about her BO. I'm really not sure she isn't depressed I just don't know what to do about it, ya know?

Wow lot of things wrong with her behavior tbh. Just hold the course until things get better.

Okay, everything other than hanging out with the other AP and kids every afternoon sounds problematic. You said she doesn’t take correction well, so why didn’t you rematch after a month?

Out of curiosity, why was it so imperative that they go over every afternoon? That seems very strange to me. And unless your sister’s AP extended, it’s not the same person for more than a year, so maybe the newer AP has a less friendly personality? How is your sister able to wfh, monitor the APs/children and get her work done? Maybe the AP felt watched constantly while there? Did you ask for a concrete reason about why she didn’t want to go? (First you said she said something along the lines of “I’m fine.” That implied to me that she viewed it as an offer for f help, but she didn’t feel Help was necessary. Now, you’re saying she offered multiple excuses not to go, which leads me to believe that there was something undesirable about being there. Due to the change in narrative, I can’t figure out which is the case, or whether it’s totally different.)

Good luck OP. I do think this one sounds like a dud, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with her now versus rematching immediately.

Thanks.

Honestly the main reason we want her to go over there is so the children can play. You see, my children have a large age gap and my sister's children are much closer in age to my youngest. So, she would leave the oldest unsupervised (12 and 17- this is TOTALLY OK FTR lol) and then take the youngest (3) to my sisters, which is less than a mile from my house. (My sister's AP has extended fwiw). She would say things like, "I wanted to know if you wanted me to make dinner, I wasn't sure when you'd be home, etc" when asked why she didn't go over.

Honestly we would have rematched right away but our LCC encouraged us to wait 60 days AND we had a plan for a former AP to come in March (exactly 60 days) which is when we were going to pull the trigger.

It's fine, really. I'm just stuck deciding 'what to do now' lol. Train her, find her a new home, deal with it, etc.

I definitely could have my 17 year old "take over" and watch my 3 year old for the time being as my work schedule is pretty light, and this is something we have considered...

[Anonymous]

oh and the 3 year old is in "school" full time (well 6 hours a day) because our last AP was AMAZING but wasn't as great at toddler age care and it's hard to find an AP that is like "perfect" in every way when you have 3 kids with the age differences of mine, lol.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, if you frame the conversation as "working together" instead of "working for" it helps. We have one toddler. I do her laundry twice a week, usually once on weekends, and them I leave the unfolded laundry for the AP to fold and put away on Monday. Our AP complained that we were "saving" laundry for her to fold/put away over the weekend. I then explained that the housecleaner and I trade off week's on cleaning toddler's room and bathroom, but if she preferred to scrub toilet/bathtub, and dust/mop, we could trade tasks. I explained there are multiple child-related tasks (some fun, some not fun), and that everyone has to pitch in to get them done. I explained that we need to start cleaning and disinfecting the playroom more than usual, and I asked her if she preferred to spritz or put toys away. She chose putting away, so I spritzed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes, if you frame the conversation as "working together" instead of "working for" it helps. We have one toddler. I do her laundry twice a week, usually once on weekends, and them I leave the unfolded laundry for the AP to fold and put away on Monday. Our AP complained that we were "saving" laundry for her to fold/put away over the weekend. I then explained that the housecleaner and I trade off week's on cleaning toddler's room and bathroom, but if she preferred to scrub toilet/bathtub, and dust/mop, we could trade tasks. I explained there are multiple child-related tasks (some fun, some not fun), and that everyone has to pitch in to get them done. I explained that we need to start cleaning and disinfecting the playroom more than usual, and I asked her if she preferred to spritz or put toys away. She chose putting away, so I spritzed.

Yesssss, love this approach, thanks for the tips. With the "big kids" home full time (and no housecleaner aack) the expectations that "people chip in" have increased. I've thought of all sorts of ideas to encourage the people to do more around the house, and am grateful for this advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is it possible that the other AP wasn’t friendly to her or was putting her in charge of all the kids?

I don't think that's too possible- the other kids are actually SUPER EASY (like ridiculously so) and AP never mentioned anything like this, she would just say like "oh I have an excuse" (excuses abound!) and I would be like "np but I do want you guys to go over there. Our last AP did it everyday and became good friends with the other AP and she's pretty rad overall (I think) and my sister works from home so I seriously doubt my AP was being mistreated.

We took her on a skiing trip after she first came, honestly, this is where my annoyance with her all started I think. At one point I remember she was on the phone and asking me to put her ski boots on, and then she missed her lesson just because she lost track of time. She'll also do things like facetime with people at the dinner table while we are all over at a friends house for dinner and then we are sort of like "you know you'd be able to hear better if you went in another room". Just really odd. And a lot of work.

previous APs- do things like take them skiing with us, take them boating, take them places, to games, we do family movie nights and board games (where AP isn't expected to take care of the kids, etc). I generally become quick enough 'friends' with my APs, but this one ... I'm just not sure of her true motivations to be an au pair, ya know? She hasn't really bonded with any of the kids or any of us, doesn't come out to do things with us, etc. My teenager even asked me to please speak with her about her BO. I'm really not sure she isn't depressed I just don't know what to do about it, ya know?

Wow lot of things wrong with her behavior tbh. Just hold the course until things get better.

Okay, everything other than hanging out with the other AP and kids every afternoon sounds problematic. You said she doesn’t take correction well, so why didn’t you rematch after a month?

Out of curiosity, why was it so imperative that they go over every afternoon? That seems very strange to me. And unless your sister’s AP extended, it’s not the same person for more than a year, so maybe the newer AP has a less friendly personality? How is your sister able to wfh, monitor the APs/children and get her work done? Maybe the AP felt watched constantly while there? Did you ask for a concrete reason about why she didn’t want to go? (First you said she said something along the lines of “I’m fine.” That implied to me that she viewed it as an offer for f help, but she didn’t feel Help was necessary. Now, you’re saying she offered multiple excuses not to go, which leads me to believe that there was something undesirable about being there. Due to the change in narrative, I can’t figure out which is the case, or whether it’s totally different.)

Good luck OP. I do think this one sounds like a dud, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with her now versus rematching immediately.

Thanks.

Honestly the main reason we want her to go over there is so the children can play. You see, my children have a large age gap and my sister's children are much closer in age to my youngest. So, she would leave the oldest unsupervised (12 and 17- this is TOTALLY OK FTR lol) and then take the youngest (3) to my sisters, which is less than a mile from my house. (My sister's AP has extended fwiw). She would say things like, "I wanted to know if you wanted me to make dinner, I wasn't sure when you'd be home, etc" when asked why she didn't go over.

Honestly we would have rematched right away but our LCC encouraged us to wait 60 days AND we had a plan for a former AP to come in March (exactly 60 days) which is when we were going to pull the trigger.

It's fine, really. I'm just stuck deciding 'what to do now' lol. Train her, find her a new home, deal with it, etc.

I definitely could have my 17 year old "take over" and watch my 3 year old for the time being as my work schedule is pretty light, and this is something we have considered...

With the age gap, it makes much more sense now. Did she at least play with your 3yo when she didn’t go?

Ha, never listen to the LCC say more than 30 days next time!

[Anonymous]

As a LTHM, I've learned to cut bait very early and quickly. Things like this never get better. It gets worse and then just being under the same roof with someone so obtuse becomes suffocating.

You are better off having your 17yrold step up to the plate. This girls us a dud.

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends on the language. Our AP speaks exclusively in the target language to kids (and us, although we told her we would be happy to speak to her as host parents in English), and it is a rare language in the AP pool, so we always power through an AP relationship (so long as not dangerous) - and like any relationship there are ups and downs, and people can change. There is no "dud" AP - just like there is no dud "HF." If we were just looking for cheap childcare, we might not care (but then we wouldn't have an AP), but if you invest in the cultural exchange piece - you should model relationship building for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the language. Our AP speaks exclusively in the target language to kids (and us, although we told her we would be happy to speak to her as host parents in English), and it is a rare language in the AP pool, so we always power through an AP relationship (so long as not dangerous) - and like any relationship there are ups and downs, and people can change. There is no "dud" AP - just like there is no dud "HF." If we were just looking for cheap childcare, we might not care (but then we wouldn't have an AP), but if you invest in the cultural exchange piece - you should model relationship building for your kids.

Absolutely, we have historically loved the cultural exchange piece and love making close friendships with our APs, but this au pair just drives me nuts! And it's that fine line of deciding what to let slide, what not to let slide, and/or just trying to rematch her, especially since we have no need for an AP at this time.

For instance. She's started putting ketchup on the three year old's food, and we have asked her to stop. Not only has she not stopped (which I sort of understand like once you start something with a strong willed person it's hard to stop) but then the little one is running around with ketchup on her damn face until I wipe it off. And if I'm like, "you need to wash her face" she'll be like "I know". Well if you know, why is there ketchup on her face?!?!?
Ugh.

I'm just annoyed. Lol. Granted I understand this is a hard time for a lot of people (what with the pandemic) but for realz.