New Host Mom - Need Advice to Rematch or Not

[Anonymous]

New Host Mom here! We have had our first au pair for almost 5 months now. She is 26, well educated from Mexico, and fairly responsible, however we have had several things that have bothered us over time and I'm not sure whether to rematch or give her more time.

Negatives/Issues:

- She isn't bonding well with my 3.5 yr old (this is the biggest issue***). I know age 3 can be a tough age but she acts like she just doesn't like her.
- She doesn't enjoy being flexible with hours (we do one date night a month but wish we could do this twice a month. She acts like its an inconvenience even though she is home all the time)
- She doesn't like to play outside (my 3.5 yr old LOVES being outside even in the cold weather).
- She is not very proactive with tasks. I usually have to ask her several times to do things but then she does it.
- She wants nothing to do with the kids when she is off. Fair enough but she just gives off a rude vibe.
- She slept in twice and I had to knock on her door bc I was late to meetings.

Positives:
- She is a good driver and has a routine going.
- She is really nice.
- She is good with our 9 month old.
- She is getting better with our 3.5 yr old.




Am I being too picky? I want to be reasonable but I obviously want the best for my kids. I have spoke to our au pair about working on some of these things. (I have also spoken to our LLC). There hasn't been a big improvement but I also feel bad rematching this early. I'm just not sure she's made for being around kids. She's not super lovey dovey but maybe most au pairs are like this?

What would you do?? Help needed!


Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

I would give it a little longer. Does your 3 year old like the au pair? The biggest red flags for me were that she is always home (no friends?) and the being late. I’d make it very clear that being late is not ok in your house and that it can affect your job.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your input! Our LLC suggested I ask my daughter if she likes our au pair. I did and she said yes, but she is a bubbly/perky girl who loves everyone and wasn’t taking my question very seriously, but to be expected!

In terms of friends, we have been so encouraging for her to make friends here and we even opened up our house and hosted the au pair Christmas party. She said she hasn’t “gelled” with any of the au pairs yet. She has one friend she has hung out with a few times so that’s been good.

I guess we will give it time and see. Any additional advice would be great!

[Anonymous]

- She isn't bonding well with my 3.5 yr old (this is the biggest issue***). I know age 3 can be a tough age but she acts like she just doesn't like her.

She is a caretaker. She has to take good care of her, not bond. Bonding is for parents.

- She doesn't enjoy being flexible with hours (we do one date night a month but wish we could do this twice a month. She acts like its an inconvenience even though she is home all the time)

She gets paid the same either way. Would you be flexible? Probably not if your job didn't require it. How may hours is she working? Just hire another babysitter once a month.

- She doesn't like to play outside (my 3.5 yr old LOVES being outside even in the cold weather).

Not everyone likes the cold. You can take your child out when you get home.

- She is not very proactive with tasks. I usually have to ask her several times to do things but then she does it.

Give her a list.

- She wants nothing to do with the kids when she is off. Fair enough but she just gives off a rude vibe.

She probably spends more time with them than you do. She wants a break. Do you like to do work on your off time?

- She slept in twice and I had to knock on her door bc I was late to meetings.

Not a big deal in six months. Get her an alarm clock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:- She isn't bonding well with my 3.5 yr old (this is the biggest issue***). I know age 3 can be a tough age but she acts like she just doesn't like her.

She is a caretaker. She has to take good care of her, not bond. Bonding is for parents.

- She doesn't enjoy being flexible with hours (we do one date night a month but wish we could do this twice a month. She acts like its an inconvenience even though she is home all the time)

She gets paid the same either way. Would you be flexible? Probably not if your job didn't require it. How may hours is she working? Just hire another babysitter once a month.

- She doesn't like to play outside (my 3.5 yr old LOVES being outside even in the cold weather).

Not everyone likes the cold. You can take your child out when you get home.

- She is not very proactive with tasks. I usually have to ask her several times to do things but then she does it.

Give her a list.

- She wants nothing to do with the kids when she is off. Fair enough but she just gives off a rude vibe.

She probably spends more time with them than you do. She wants a break. Do you like to do work on your off time?

- She slept in twice and I had to knock on her door bc I was late to meetings.

Not a big deal in six months. Get her an alarm clock.

I agree with most of this, but the not taking the kid outside during day (when it's probably warmer than when you get home) would be a deal breaker for a lot of families, the whole point of the AP program is that you would have younger more agile care-taking than a nanny. We take are kids outside on the weekend, during the week the expectation is that the AP take kids out in cold weather. If she doesn't have to appropriate clothing - buy her some.

[Anonymous]

I would rematch. 5 months is plenty of time to bond and I don’t want detached and disinterested people taking care of my kids. The inflexibility is what would really do it for me, though, unless she is routinely working 45 hours including some weekends. Flexibility is entirely the reason I’m in the program. It’s what they sign up for and changing the schedule marginally to include 2 date nights/month is so not a big issue that I cannot believe she’s giving you attitude. We go out 3-4 nights a WEEK some weeks (mostly job-related) and make it very clear to our au pairs that a Big part of their job is being flexible. So far that’s never been an issue for us.

[Anonymous]

I’d rematch. Everything you listed matters. We just rematched and now have a WONDERFUL au pair (and our family is not an “attractive” family to au pairs - 4 kids and a cold climate, so we don’t usually get many responses during match periods). This is to say there are some great rematch candidates out there. We are baffled as to why our current au pair’s previous family didn’t like her. She’s great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:- She isn't bonding well with my 3.5 yr old (this is the biggest issue***). I know age 3 can be a tough age but she acts like she just doesn't like her.

She is a caretaker. She has to take good care of her, not bond. Bonding is for parents.

- She doesn't enjoy being flexible with hours (we do one date night a month but wish we could do this twice a month. She acts like its an inconvenience even though she is home all the time)

She gets paid the same either way. Would you be flexible? Probably not if your job didn't require it. How may hours is she working? Just hire another babysitter once a month.

- She doesn't like to play outside (my 3.5 yr old LOVES being outside even in the cold weather).

Not everyone likes the cold. You can take your child out when you get home.

- She is not very proactive with tasks. I usually have to ask her several times to do things but then she does it.

Give her a list.

- She wants nothing to do with the kids when she is off. Fair enough but she just gives off a rude vibe.

She probably spends more time with them than you do. She wants a break. Do you like to do work on your off time?

- She slept in twice and I had to knock on her door bc I was late to meetings.

Not a big deal in six months. Get her an alarm clock.

OP, the PP is not a host mom, but rather a nanny troll, who gets an enjoyment form posting (mostly useless stuff) on this forum. Once you abstract from the hostility, there is some truth to the post though.

Flexibility with hours is an important aspect of the program. How does your AP express her dissatisfaction? You do not need to ask her permission and she does not need to enjoy covering for you when you go out, but going out twice a month is completely reasonable (assuming do not go over 10h/day 45h/week). There is no need to hire a sitter.

I would not rematch over not taking the kids outside. I agree that this is a personal preference. Next time, you can screen for candidates who are more outdoorsy.

Same with being proactive. It is hard to screen for it. And lots of APs are not proactive.

Sleeping in is annoying. I agree with getting her an alarm clock.

Your real issue is not bonding with your 3.5yo and also not bonding with your family (given that she wants nothing to do with you when she is off). Plus, rude/unfriendly behavior is another issue. At the same time, if she great with a 9mo, I may just suck it up for another 7 months. At that time, you will be much more marketable with an almost 1.5yo.

It's a tough call, OP. I am sorry, your first hosting experience is a mixed bag. Depending how rude/unfriendly she is to you and your 3.5yo, it may warrant a rematch. Just remember that getting an AP to take care of an infant is hard.

[Anonymous]

My first hosting experience was pretty much exactly like this. As because I was a first time Host mom I felt responsible for riding it out far longer than I should have. Think of all the negative energy she brings into your home. Is that worth it? You don’t owe her the whole year... cut your losses and move on. She will 100% find a new family so don’t worry about her (ours found 4 new families .... she kept rematching!).

[Anonymous]

She's from Mexico. She probably likes warm weather. Tell her to get glove warmers and a warmer coat for spending time outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:- She isn't bonding well with my 3.5 yr old (this is the biggest issue***). I know age 3 can be a tough age but she acts like she just doesn't like her.

She is a caretaker. She has to take good care of her, not bond. Bonding is for parents.

- She doesn't enjoy being flexible with hours (we do one date night a month but wish we could do this twice a month. She acts like its an inconvenience even though she is home all the time)

She gets paid the same either way. Would you be flexible? Probably not if your job didn't require it. How may hours is she working? Just hire another babysitter once a month.

- She doesn't like to play outside (my 3.5 yr old LOVES being outside even in the cold weather).

Not everyone likes the cold. You can take your child out when you get home.

- She is not very proactive with tasks. I usually have to ask her several times to do things but then she does it.

Give her a list.

- She wants nothing to do with the kids when she is off. Fair enough but she just gives off a rude vibe.

She probably spends more time with them than you do. She wants a break. Do you like to do work on your off time?

- She slept in twice and I had to knock on her door bc I was late to meetings.

Not a big deal in six months. Get her an alarm clock.

OP, the PP is not a host mom, but rather a nanny troll, who gets an enjoyment form posting (mostly useless stuff) on this forum. Once you abstract from the hostility, there is some truth to the post though.

Flexibility with hours is an important aspect of the program. How does your AP express her dissatisfaction? You do not need to ask her permission and she does not need to enjoy covering for you when you go out, but going out twice a month is completely reasonable (assuming do not go over 10h/day 45h/week). There is no need to hire a sitter.

I would not rematch over not taking the kids outside. I agree that this is a personal preference. Next time, you can screen for candidates who are more outdoorsy.

Same with being proactive. It is hard to screen for it. And lots of APs are not proactive.

Sleeping in is annoying. I agree with getting her an alarm clock.

Your real issue is not bonding with your 3.5yo and also not bonding with your family (given that she wants nothing to do with you when she is off). Plus, rude/unfriendly behavior is another issue. At the same time, if she great with a 9mo, I may just suck it up for another 7 months. At that time, you will be much more marketable with an almost 1.5yo.

It's a tough call, OP. I am sorry, your first hosting experience is a mixed bag. Depending how rude/unfriendly she is to you and your 3.5yo, it may warrant a rematch. Just remember that getting an AP to take care of an infant is hard.

+1 PP is definitely THE nanny troll!

You have 9 months old and a 3 years old, so my guess is AP works 45 hours/week and I am in the same situation. To be honest you will get resistance with lot of APs if you also want them to work 2 weekends a month. My AP works max one weekend/month, she maybe worked twice when we had the kids birthday party fall the same weekend. I know you can shuffle your hours to fit the weekend within the 45 hours but you will get resistance for this. Most APs dealing with non school ager kids get the kick on being free most weekends. So be ready to have the same problem with a rematch AP.

For taking the kids out, give her a schedule or tell her to go out with your kids maybe 3 times a week. With my AP i told her from the beginning I expected her to take my kids out once/day and she does it twice/day sometimes, she is from Brazil.

I don't understand how she can give the "rude vibe" and "be friendly" at the same time. The attitude for me is the biggest deal, it seems like she doesn't want to be there, if that is the case I would rematch.

Also 5 months is a long time to not be doing better, have you brought these issues before and she didn't improve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New Host Mom here! We have had our first au pair for almost 5 months now. She is 26, well educated from Mexico, and fairly responsible, however we have had several things that have bothered us over time and I'm not sure whether to rematch or give her more time.

Negatives/Issues:

- She isn't bonding well with my 3.5 yr old (this is the biggest issue***). I know age 3 can be a tough age but she acts like she just doesn't like her.
- She doesn't enjoy being flexible with hours (we do one date night a month but wish we could do this twice a month. She acts like its an inconvenience even though she is home all the time)
- She doesn't like to play outside (my 3.5 yr old LOVES being outside even in the cold weather).
- She is not very proactive with tasks. I usually have to ask her several times to do things but then she does it.
- She wants nothing to do with the kids when she is off. Fair enough but she just gives off a rude vibe.
- She slept in twice and I had to knock on her door bc I was late to meetings.

Positives:
- She is a good driver and has a routine going.
- She is really nice.
- She is good with our 9 month old.
- She is getting better with our 3.5 yr old.




Am I being too picky? I want to be reasonable but I obviously want the best for my kids. I have spoke to our au pair about working on some of these things. (I have also spoken to our LLC). There hasn't been a big improvement but I also feel bad rematching this early. I'm just not sure she's made for being around kids. She's not super lovey dovey but maybe most au pairs are like this?

What would you do?? Help needed!


Thank you!!

Your kids deserve better. Especially your 3.5yr old.

[Anonymous]

We had 7 years of the same nanny when our kids were little and are just finishing up the 7th year of an AuPair. We have had 3 spectacular APs out of 7 (two very rapid rematches, we cut bait fast).

Honestly it's pretty mediocre childcare and I could bot imagine most of these AuPairs with my children when they were small. Those years are so critical. To have an childcare provider that is A. A rotating door and B. Disinterested is just not good for young kids.

With older kids I'll tolerate more, but what you describe, even I'd send her packing.

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

I would be upset as well if I were you. I think she really needs a reseat conversation as many things can be addressed and she can improve.

Maybe she needs a monthly or bi monthly schedule where you can add the babysitting, maybe it'll be easier for her if she knows in advance.

If she does her 45 hours or almost I would understand she's tired and sees the babysitting as a burden. Not professional but understandable when you work with kids.
You get to decide and I'd keep on going out on dates, it's not her choice to say yes or no.

About bonding with your daughter, maybe they can get more one and one time on special occasions ?
If it doesn't improve, well I'd let it go as long as she's nice to her.

[Anonymous]

I'd strongly consider rematch, and definitely pull the trigger to begin the process, which is usually a conversation mediated by LCC regarding the issue.

Not going outside, sleeping in, having issues with date night are big issues for me. All of my APs have bonded very strongly with my kids, I feel like I'd be unhappy if they didn't.

Not being proactive is kind of an indicator of other issues. You'll feel so much better if you just cut ties with her.