New Host Mom - Need Advice to Rematch or Not

[Anonymous]

Your experience sounds like our second AP. Definitely not into our three year old. Complaining that somehow her friends who have two host kids have it easier because they get to play with each other while she has to play with kid all the time. The AP thought she was better than the other APs until the last six months of her time. And really not interested in speaking to any of us when she was off. We skirted along because it was fine in terms of safety and reliability. But in retrospect, there would have been much better aps for our family

[Anonymous]

Are your kids in pre-school or daycare or anything like that, or does AP watch a 9 month old and a 3.5 year old for 45 hours a week? Watching young kids for 45 hours a week is a tough assignment for any AP. I know it is within the rules of the program, but so many APs are just drivers and before/after school babysitters for older kids that by comparison it is tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your kids in pre-school or daycare or anything like that, or does AP watch a 9 month old and a 3.5 year old for 45 hours a week? Watching young kids for 45 hours a week is a tough assignment for any AP. I know it is within the rules of the program, but so many APs are just drivers and before/after school babysitters for older kids that by comparison it is tough.

I’m the PP. yes my DC was in half day preschool at the time. Not sure about OP

[Anonymous]

Thank you for everyone's input - especially the positive supporters! A few things to clear up:

- We bought our AP a new alarm clock when she first moved in.
- We also gave her an iPhone (in which we pay for)...which also has alarm capabilities.
- Our 3.5 yr old goes to preschool 5 days a week (half days).
- We gave the AP a car to use to pick up our daughter from school and she is allowed to use the car as much as she wants.
- We even recently enrolled our 3.5 yr old in gym classes once a week to add an additional activity.
- For Christmas, we bought our AP new winter boots, uggs, gloves, and winter hats. She also has two coats.


- I suggested she take the kids to the library once a week (which is 5 minutes away) but she said it can be difficult taking two kids. I guess I can understand that but not sure how to take that at the same time..

- I know I said our AP gave rude vibes but also is nice which may have sounded confusing. I do think she is a nice human being but what I meant was I question whether she has a loving personality and passion specifically to take care of kids. I know her goal is to live in the US. I apologize if I'm not doing the best job explaining this.

My 3.5 yr old just started having meltdowns. Never went through terrible twos and has always been known amongst friends and relatives to be a really well behaved child. Sure, she's never perfect but she is not a "terrible kid".

- I love the AP program and the experience it offers. Perhaps I'm being too hard on her and need to give it time? This is our first experience in the program and I just don't know what to expect.

- I appreciate the advice on being more direct in terms of schedule. I'm going to do that! Thanks everyone!



***P.S.....Is anyone a part of any Host Family groups?

[Anonymous]

You have a fully mediocre to crappy AP. There is better as well as worse (downright abusive). If this is not working for you in terms of what you expected, rematch and let her go. You do not need to put up with mediocre for the whole year. Many first time families feel like a black cloud is lifted after a mediocre AP is gone and resolve to never put up with it again.

Your AP has a nice gig. Many of us restrict car use or refuse to pay for gas because APs abuse the privilege and drive 500mi in a weekend staying local by driving their 4 best friends around everywhere.

2 kids is NOTHING to go out to the library, especially when the younger one is only 9mo. Your AP should get stuck with a family with 3 kids: 2, 4, and 6 and see how "difficult" it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a fully mediocre to crappy AP. There is better as well as worse (downright abusive). If this is not working for you in terms of what you expected, rematch and let her go. You do not need to put up with mediocre for the whole year. Many first time families feel like a black cloud is lifted after a mediocre AP is gone and resolve to never put up with it again.

Your AP has a nice gig. Many of us restrict car use or refuse to pay for gas because APs abuse the privilege and drive 500mi in a weekend staying local by driving their 4 best friends around everywhere.

2 kids is NOTHING to go out to the library, especially when the younger one is only 9mo. Your AP should get stuck with a family with 3 kids: 2, 4, and 6 and see how "difficult" it is.

+1. She needs to go into rematch. YOu sound like it's a great gig. She is acting like a princess.

[Anonymous]

You need to make the call about whether to rematch NOW.

AP/kid relationship is very important. I put up with several that I didn't personally love because they were good with my kids. 2 times oversleeping in 5 months is not bad; some nannies are a few minutes late every single day. At least with the AP, you just need to knock on her door. (IF she were to be AWOL on a working day, that would be cause for immediate rematch.)

5 months is long enough to know. Once you get past 6 months, you'll be reluctant to rematch because of being ever closer to the end as each month goes by. By the way, you sound very generous re: phone/car/clothes. None of those are required. She needs to reciprocate if she wants to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for everyone's input - especially the positive supporters! A few things to clear up:

- We bought our AP a new alarm clock when she first moved in.
- We also gave her an iPhone (in which we pay for)...which also has alarm capabilities.
- Our 3.5 yr old goes to preschool 5 days a week (half days).
- We gave the AP a car to use to pick up our daughter from school and she is allowed to use the car as much as she wants.
- We even recently enrolled our 3.5 yr old in gym classes once a week to add an additional activity.
- For Christmas, we bought our AP new winter boots, uggs, gloves, and winter hats. She also has two coats.


- I suggested she take the kids to the library once a week (which is 5 minutes away) but she said it can be difficult taking two kids. I guess I can understand that but not sure how to take that at the same time..

- I know I said our AP gave rude vibes but also is nice which may have sounded confusing. I do think she is a nice human being but what I meant was I question whether she has a loving personality and passion specifically to take care of kids. I know her goal is to live in the US. I apologize if I'm not doing the best job explaining this.

My 3.5 yr old just started having meltdowns. Never went through terrible twos and has always been known amongst friends and relatives to be a really well behaved child. Sure, she's never perfect but she is not a "terrible kid".

- I love the AP program and the experience it offers. Perhaps I'm being too hard on her and need to give it time? This is our first experience in the program and I just don't know what to expect.

- I appreciate the advice on being more direct in terms of schedule. I'm going to do that! Thanks everyone!



***P.S.....Is anyone a part of any Host Family groups?

Is the 5 minutes away by car or walking? if walking, she has zero excuse, she can put both kids in the double stroller and go. If driving maybe she is not a confident driver? anyway I agree with everyone, i think she is nice but she is not that into your family. Let her go now because after 6 months it is really hard.

[Anonymous]

HM here, who also had nannies for many years. I agree she is mediocre, but I don’t know if a random rematch AP will be THAT much better.

- You have high expectations and difficult kids ages (3.5 yr old still needs a lot support/fun games/supervision, and a 9 months old needs caregiver focus). Did you show how to engage with both of them at the same time when both are awake? I can totally see that she hugs/carries the baby on the hip when 3.5 yr all is throwing a temper tantrum... don’t assume she knows how to Handle this.

- write a schedule to address “outside” activities but be reasonable. Where exactly you want AP to take them? When? The 3.5 yr old presumably gets ~30 min outside in pre-school with friends. After they come home and nap, does AP have time to pack 2 kids before dark? Do they have specific location to go and how she needs to watch two kids there (9 mo old in stroller? Climbing?).

- I don’t know, but I think APs are more babysitters with small kids... if you want them to do chores tell them, give them a list... Yes, there are probably unicorns with the small kids, but I think it is more of “make sure kids are fed and alive and have fun”, not a huge check list is done...
- two times late in 5 months is nothing

I would be very prescriptive (yes, it is a pain) and really help AP in how to manage two kids of those ages. It is hard to do that for 45 hrs/week... APs are not professionals, they are helpers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a fully mediocre to crappy AP. There is better as well as worse (downright abusive). If this is not working for you in terms of what you expected, rematch and let her go. You do not need to put up with mediocre for the whole year. Many first time families feel like a black cloud is lifted after a mediocre AP is gone and resolve to never put up with it again.

Your AP has a nice gig. Many of us restrict car use or refuse to pay for gas because APs abuse the privilege and drive 500mi in a weekend staying local by driving their 4 best friends around everywhere.

2 kids is NOTHING to go out to the library, especially when the younger one is only 9mo. Your AP should get stuck with a family with 3 kids: 2, 4, and 6 and see how "difficult" it is.

+1. She needs to go into rematch. YOu sound like it's a great gig. She is acting like a princess.

+1. My family does have 3 kids 3, 5 and 7! And we're not in a super-fun urban area. It is all chaos all the time. Our family is great and our APs know it, especially after seeing their AP friends' HF situations. Yet we still get excellent APs because we screen hard and let the only lackluster one go. We could have let her stay but as soon as she walked out the door we were so happy. Her replacement was one our best APs, who we actually still see since she got married and is 3 hours away by car.

I am part of a HF FB group. You can email me [e-mail] and I can explain how to add you. I saw a couple of others on this forum asking about FB HF groups, you can email me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a fully mediocre to crappy AP. There is better as well as worse (downright abusive). If this is not working for you in terms of what you expected, rematch and let her go. You do not need to put up with mediocre for the whole year. Many first time families feel like a black cloud is lifted after a mediocre AP is gone and resolve to never put up with it again.

Your AP has a nice gig. Many of us restrict car use or refuse to pay for gas because APs abuse the privilege and drive 500mi in a weekend staying local by driving their 4 best friends around everywhere.

2 kids is NOTHING to go out to the library, especially when the younger one is only 9mo. Your AP should get stuck with a family with 3 kids: 2, 4, and 6 and see how "difficult" it is.

+1. She needs to go into rematch. YOu sound like it's a great gig. She is acting like a princess.

Disagree that this is a great gig. Maybe it is because I have school age kids, but most APs I know watch the kids for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours after school, with occasional extra work during snow days and when kids are sick. Total work hours are usually about 15-20 hours a week on a typical week. OPs situation is much more difficult than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a fully mediocre to crappy AP. There is better as well as worse (downright abusive). If this is not working for you in terms of what you expected, rematch and let her go. You do not need to put up with mediocre for the whole year. Many first time families feel like a black cloud is lifted after a mediocre AP is gone and resolve to never put up with it again.

Your AP has a nice gig. Many of us restrict car use or refuse to pay for gas because APs abuse the privilege and drive 500mi in a weekend staying local by driving their 4 best friends around everywhere.

2 kids is NOTHING to go out to the library, especially when the younger one is only 9mo. Your AP should get stuck with a family with 3 kids: 2, 4, and 6 and see how "difficult" it is.

+1. She needs to go into rematch. YOu sound like it's a great gig. She is acting like a princess.

Disagree that this is a great gig. Maybe it is because I have school age kids, but most APs I know watch the kids for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours after school, with occasional extra work during snow days and when kids are sick. Total work hours are usually about 15-20 hours a week on a typical week. OPs situation is much more difficult than that.

+1

And “easy” two kid families have two kids close in age who play together. This is balancing the needs of an infant and a preschooler. Within 3-6 months, it’s just going to get harder, because AP should be running after the newly walking/running toddler, not sitting down to role play with the 4yo.

[Anonymous]

Rematch. Are you 100% confident both of your children are being well taken care of all of the time? You don't need a caregiver that you are only 95% certain she is doing the right thing. I had a similar situation with a nanny and ultimately walked in on her unexpectedly to find the very young children being completely ignored while she did personal tasks. What do you think you would see if you installed cameras? I would definitely consider a camera and/or some unexpected drop in visits if you are at all uncertain about the quality of her care.

[Anonymous]

My AP works 45 hours a week (6:30-3:30) for my one child. Now that is an easy gig! Many of her AP friends gather at my house to bemoan their situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AP works 45 hours a week (6:30-3:30) for my one child. Now that is an easy gig! Many of her AP friends gather at my house to bemoan their situations.

Mine works 7:30-4:30 with one kid, but toddlers are like having six kids, so...not sure it’s easier...