Kids were jerks to sitter last night

[Anonymous]

My kids are 3.5 and almost 7, and I’m freaking out a little. They were apparently really sweet with our longtime sitter until bedtime, and then DD (older child) tried to take control of DS’s bedtime, closing and locking his door, pushing back big time against our sitter, got really upset (probably yelled and cried) when sitter said she’d call the fire department to unlock the door, and I am feeling so anxious about it today. These are kids who can certainly be tough with me, but are always perfect with others. I think I have been a little stricter about bedtimes and morning wake times recently, and DD is maybe trying to reclaim control when she can. She really wants to be the one in charge of him, putting him to bed, waking him up, all that, which isn’t appropriate, obviously, so she’s grappling with the limitations that I’ve been enforcing. Also, this sitter is someone whom they’ve known a long time, so they’re probably more comfortable, but I fear she’s growing disenchanted by them, as she has said often that she prefers to work with babies and doesn’t like the power struggles that older kids set in their ways present—referencing prospective families to work with, not mine. Plus, she primarily worked with DS, and I know it bothers her that he is becoming more independent, wanting to follow his sister, and she probably takes it personally, whereas a hs or college student wouldn’t be so invested in their relationship with DS, letting that color the interactions. She is supposed to come back next week, but I feel like I just want to scrap the whole thing and find someone else. It’s tough, because I used to feel so carefree when she would come, but knowing she struggles increasingly with DD and is losing her grip on DS, I feel like she’s probably judging me somehow, and is feeling hurt by my kids. Mostly just needed to vent, and wondering if anyone has any similar stories.

[Anonymous]

So your solution to your 7yo being badly behaved is to get a new sitter?

I would impose a consequence on your 7yo for her behavior and then I would have a serious talk with her about expectations the next time the sitter comes. Personally I would tell her she may need to go to bed before you leave or before the 3 year old goes to bed if she is going to misebehave at his bedtime.
I do have a 7yo DD so I know they are a struggle, I would not put up with this though.

[Anonymous]

Your 7 yr old is a spoiled brat and you created this by allowing behavior. She needs swift and consequential punishment. I hope the babysitter writes you and your brat off forever and also let's any other babysitter know you have horrible children.

[Anonymous]

I echo the above. Your DD has serious issues that need to be addressed by you. Even if you got a new sitter, once your child became familiar with her the same poor behavior would ensue.

It’s your job to teach your child respect and adherence to house rules. You are doing her a huge disservice that will cripple her if you don’t.

[Anonymous]

The new one will judge you too. The sitter is not the issue.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I think I have a different perspective here.

It sounds to me like DD likes being an older sibling and wants more control in general. There are ways to encourage good relationships between them and give her more control without getting into a trap of her taking care of him or disrespecting adults.

I’d suggest sitting down with DD and asking her about exactly what happened and why. Listen to what she’s telling you about the events, ask how she feels and why she reacted as she did. Ask what her ideas are about how she can help at bedtime, and remind her that it’s helping, not doing everything. For some older siblings, it might be helping with bath time, pjs or reading to the younger sibling (I would certainly steer towards this!), but actually making sure the younger child settles down to sleep should always be an adult. Explain that you need her to do what she’s agreed to at the agreed time and then let the adult finish bedtime, or the adult will need to do bedtime without her help.

I would also explore ways for her to help more and have more control in other ways and at other times. At 7, she could make breakfast or lunch, pack lunchboxes for school, or do chores. I would actively discourage her from helping him do anything he should at least try for himself (getting dressed, putting on shoes, etc).

Btw, sitter shouldn’t have threatened to call the fire department... That caused the situation to spiral. And an adult who gets so overwrought that she starts bawling has no business caring for children, at least of those ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I think I have a different perspective here.

It sounds to me like DD likes being an older sibling and wants more control in general. There are ways to encourage good relationships between them and give her more control without getting into a trap of her taking care of him or disrespecting adults.

I’d suggest sitting down with DD and asking her about exactly what happened and why. Listen to what she’s telling you about the events, ask how she feels and why she reacted as she did. Ask what her ideas are about how she can help at bedtime, and remind her that it’s helping, not doing everything. For some older siblings, it might be helping with bath time, pjs or reading to the younger sibling (I would certainly steer towards this!), but actually making sure the younger child settles down to sleep should always be an adult. Explain that you need her to do what she’s agreed to at the agreed time and then let the adult finish bedtime, or the adult will need to do bedtime without her help.

I would also explore ways for her to help more and have more control in other ways and at other times. At 7, she could make breakfast or lunch, pack lunchboxes for school, or do chores. I would actively discourage her from helping him do anything he should at least try for himself (getting dressed, putting on shoes, etc).

Btw, sitter shouldn’t have threatened to call the fire department... That caused the situation to spiral. And an adult who gets so overwrought that she starts bawling has no business caring for children, at least of those ages.

Or discipline her for the way she treated the adult that was left in charge.
First a punishment.. Take away a privilege, spank.. Your choice.
Then have her apologize to the sitter.
Invite the sitter back. This gives the child a chance to make things right.

[Anonymous]

You need to have the 7 yr old understand she is NOT the adult in charge and she does NOT control anything about the 3 yr old.

I would take off the lock on that kid's door. No kids need locks on their doors.

And I'd have her write an apology note to the sitter.

[Anonymous]

First + foremost, I would administer a proper punishment for your daughter and let her know the reason behind it.
Let her know if she continues on this path of misbehavior - the punishment will only get worse.

Make sure you remain consistent on this.
Very important!!

I would also have your daughter make a homemade apology card or letter to give to your babysitter ASAP.
To sweeten the deal, perhaps she can help you bake a nice pan of cookies, cupcakes or muffins as well.

Then every few days, remind her of her behavior around other grown-ups & teach her about respect.

It also wouldn’t be a bad idea to tell your sitter that you are taking a proactive approach on this.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You sound really dismissive. DD needs to write an apology to the babysitter and lose electronics or something meaningful for a week.

[Anonymous]

Your older child has definite behavioral issues that you need to address. She is far too old for this crap. Is she developmentally normal, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 3.5 and almost 7, and I’m freaking out a little. They were apparently really sweet with our longtime sitter until bedtime, and then DD (older child) tried to take control of DS’s bedtime, closing and locking his door, pushing back big time against our sitter, got really upset (probably yelled and cried) when sitter said she’d call the fire department to unlock the door, and I am feeling so anxious about it today. These are kids who can certainly be tough with me, but are always perfect with others. I think I have been a little stricter about bedtimes and morning wake times recently, and DD is maybe trying to reclaim control when she can. She really wants to be the one in charge of him, putting him to bed, waking him up, all that, which isn’t appropriate, obviously, so she’s grappling with the limitations that I’ve been enforcing. Also, this sitter is someone whom they’ve known a long time, so they’re probably more comfortable, but I fear she’s growing disenchanted by them, as she has said often that she prefers to work with babies and doesn’t like the power struggles that older kids set in their ways present—referencing prospective families to work with, not mine. Plus, she primarily worked with DS, and I know it bothers her that he is becoming more independent, wanting to follow his sister, and she probably takes it personally, whereas a hs or college student wouldn’t be so invested in their relationship with DS, letting that color the interactions. She is supposed to come back next week, but I feel like I just want to scrap the whole thing and find someone else. It’s tough, because I used to feel so carefree when she would come, but knowing she struggles increasingly with DD and is losing her grip on DS, I feel like she’s probably judging me somehow, and is feeling hurt by my kids. Mostly just needed to vent, and wondering if anyone has any similar stories.

No. Absolutely no similar stories. I would never allow my children to behave so disrespectfully and hurtfully to another human being.

I would be shocked if everyone isn’t judging you, OP. Your older child is a misery and has no empathy. This are serious lacks in her personality.

[Anonymous]

She is scared. She needs a leader who provides her with guidance, consistency and stability. She thinks she is the one in charge. Being the Boss is too much weight and responsibility for a small child to cope with.

[Anonymous]

12.08 here. It’s weird to me that everybody is willing to dismiss this your girl’s feeling and reasons for her actions. As a nanny and babysitter, I see the reason behind the behavior as much more important than imposing a punishment that doesn’t change a child’s mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12.08 here. It’s weird to me that everybody is willing to dismiss this your girl’s feeling and reasons for her actions. As a nanny and babysitter, I see the reason behind the behavior as much more important than imposing a punishment that doesn’t change a child’s mindset.

First, I don’t see that at all. OP was falling all over herself explaining the older child’s thoughts and feelings.

Second, this isn’t a toddler - it’s a nearly seven year old who should be able to control destructive actions regardless of the reason. Locking a door is absolutely unacceptable and dangerous behavior. Not listening to an authoritative figure is also unacceptable regardless of the kid’s reasons, problems or motivations.

It’s not her mindset - it’s her ability to control her behavior. The kid is almost seven!!