Walking on egg shells around AP
![[Post New]](/nanny-forum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
First time HM here and our AP arrived 2 months ago. She's overall a lovely person, the kids love her, she's very organized, etc. But she had a very tough first month due to prolonged illness, language and cultural shock, and some difficulty with our 5 yr son. All these issues improved or resolved by the one month mark. She then sat us down to have a big chat, during which she outlined all the difficulties she's endured, emphasizing her struggles, but not really asking for solutions from us since they've already been worked out. We thanked her for being open about it with us, and asked that she continue to bring up issues as they arise. The 2nd month seemed to be going smoother than the first, though she does go through periods of moodiness. Then she dropped a bomb on me, when I took her out to celebrate her getting her local driver's license, basically laying bare that she finds our family dinner time hectic compared to her tranquil life back home, that she's super stressed when my H and I don't always agree on something regarding the kids (small things like whether they have time to play in the yard right before dinner, etc), and that she continues to struggle because her English is not good enough for her to communicate all her distress. She acknowledged that she works far less hours than her fellow APs, but she goes to bed exhausted all the same.
I was surprised at the depth of her emotional struggles. We've always been kind to her, invite her to family activities (she declines more than half of the time), give her plenty of freedom and accommodating her time off requests, and never criticize her work (there are areas for improvement but I wanted to pick my battles). I asked her what she wanted us to do differently, and she came up blank, and said maybe she's being too sensitive. I explained that having two small boys with two working parents, dinner time is bound to be chaotic from time to time, but we can do better about the small disagreements should they arise again. Her frustration with English is a valid point, but to me she has no trouble communicating what's on her mind. So H and I now feel like we're walking on eggshells around her. We never know what could set her off, and when she's judging our parenting and our marriage. Being an introvert myself, I feel depleted often. Not sure the point of this post, other than getting it off my chest and see if others have words of wisdom. |
Anonymous
| Get the LCC involved as a support meeting. You are not mind readers and seriously, what did she expect? Dinner with soft music playing in the background with everyone talking whimslically about their days? |
Anonymous
|
Hi Op, where is she from? I'm wondering how much can be chalked up to cultural differences.
To me she sounds homesick more than anything. You definitely can't be on eggshells to accommodate her. No one can live like that when they are trying to work and parent two children. I would just explain to her that you are busy, stressed and that maybe some of the differences are cultural. Does she have a good friend base? I find this is the key to a successful year. I would give her a little more time to adjust and if she doesn't I would consider rematch. She is there to help your family and if she is unhappy all the time it will make for a very difficult year. |
Anonymous
Not worth your time. Don' settle--it will be a long year. As others have said, get your LCC involved ASAP. |
Anonymous
|
Op here. We're inclined to give her a bit more time to adjust. She does have some solid friends here, and now that she has her license, more freedom.
How do we screen for this next time? I know now we have to be extra meticulous about a candidate's English skills. Beyond that, how do you pick out the hardy ones happy go lucky ones? |
Anonymous
One thing I learned to do is look closely at their pictures. Our first APs pictures were all of her family, not a single friend pic among them. She turned out to be a huge introvert and we struggled to connect. Next AP's pics were almost all of friends and her during her travels -- she was an extrovert who loved being out and about and was a much better fit. As for your current AP if dinner is too harried for her, could she only eat with you a few times a week? Also make sure you're giving her lots of compliments and support, especially in front of the kids. May make her more comfortable. |
Anonymous
For us, we have learned not to pay too much attention to the very "jazzed up" videos. The ones that are so exciting that they just draw you in. They are very rehearsed and crafted. We completely fell for one--thinking she was so outgoing, but barely spoke (we spoke here native language so that wasn't an issue). Our best AP was one who just posted a video of herself talking--no music, no frills, just herself. |
Anonymous
|
Hmmm...she does not have to eat with you. You can offer that---but couch it in a way that you don't want her to eat alone, but you wouldn't be offended if she chose to eat at a different time for some days so it would be less strsssful. In terms of language, does writing seem like a better way for her to communicate? Ask her what made her more comfortable to unload all of this, and how is that different from other times?
One shouldn't need to "walk on eggshells" around an au pair. It's your home! |
Anonymous
| I have never spoken English with an au pair so it’s not something I care about at all, but what if you told her you would put a plate to the side and encourage her to go the gym or take a walk so she could have dinner in a quieter environment and then have a cup of coffee or tea and dessert with her while she eats dinner so she’s not eating alone. |
Anonymous
Are you insane??? Who da fuk has time to sit down and baby this girls fragile state of mind each night with tea and dessert? You're nuts. I get home at 530, scramble to make dinner, nag everyone to help me clean up, go over the kids homework with them, see what they are struggling with, try to bond with my 13yr old, corral everyone to brush their teeth, both boys still love me to lay in bed and talk to them and then flop into bed. Nowhere in there is time for my husband let alone some freaking tea and crumpets with Miss Cranky pants. |
Anonymous
+100 Must be the same people who take their au pair everywhere with them for the first 6 weeks. |
Anonymous
|
If dinner is to hectic for her, I'd suggest to her that it may be better for her to eat on her own. You don't make her eat with you do you?
What kind of arguments are you having in front of her? From your post, it sounds totally normal. But do you yell/raise your voices? If not, then she sounds like she has unrealistic expectations of what its like to live with your family. I'd get my LCC involved. |
Anonymous
| I had an AP like this. Eventually I figured out that she was just manipulative. |
Anonymous
| I would bite the bullet and go into rematch. Your AP sounds too immature to live in anyone’s home other than her own parents’ home. What was she expecting, a tv sitcom version of an American family? |
Anonymous
| In another month you will resent being held hostage in your home by this AP. |