Au pair asked me how my day was

[Anonymous]

This sounds minor, but this felt so nice after coming off of a bad au pair year. We love our new au pair. So caring and personable. I was ll never just ride it out again!

[Anonymous]

Happy for you, ap. Unfortunately we are having the opposite experience with our new ap, who barely talks. We suffered through it before with our first, but now after a couple of good to great aps I won’t do it again. How can we address it or initiate rematch if it isn’t about her childcare or safety but just a bad personality match?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happy for you, ap. Unfortunately we are having the opposite experience with our new ap, who barely talks. We suffered through it before with our first, but now after a couple of good to great aps I won’t do it again. How can we address it or initiate rematch if it isn’t about her childcare or safety but just a bad personality match?

OP here---my advice is that for it to be a great year, the AP needs to deliver on the childcare and the personality/relationship with the HPs. You can certainly talk to your LCC (if the LCC is helpful) and let them know that your AP barely talks. How long has the AP been with you? If it's more than 2-3 weeks, it's a problem.

We endured an AP who would not sit with us at dinnertime, and would take her food and go to the dining room table (while we all ate at the kitchen table), because she was fine in terms of childcare. Never again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happy for you, ap. Unfortunately we are having the opposite experience with our new ap, who barely talks. We suffered through it before with our first, but now after a couple of good to great aps I won’t do it again. How can we address it or initiate rematch if it isn’t about her childcare or safety but just a bad personality match?

How's her English ? If that's because she can't speak it well, I wouldn't fire her for that and make sure she gets English classes to improve.

If it's not the problem and that's it's bugging you I'd ask her once to do better and if there's no improvement I'd let her go.

Former AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy for you, ap. Unfortunately we are having the opposite experience with our new ap, who barely talks. We suffered through it before with our first, but now after a couple of good to great aps I won’t do it again. How can we address it or initiate rematch if it isn’t about her childcare or safety but just a bad personality match?

How's her English ? If that's because she can't speak it well, I wouldn't fire her for that and make sure she gets English classes to improve.

If it's not the problem and that's it's bugging you I'd ask her once to do better and if there's no improvement I'd let her go.

Former AP.

Np. Even if English is not great, there are ways to be friendly and communicative.

[Anonymous]

Her English is fine but I think she’s shy to speak. Dh and I are fluent in her native language as well but she won’t speak that with us either. She just doesn’t talk. We spent the whole weekend together and I think she said maybe 10 sentences and most were all in response to direct questions.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to communicate when your English is poor.
You're afraid to be judged and it's easy to just shut up and being withdrawn.

And one more thing is that Americans are VERY talkative and outgoing ... They hug you, they talk and talk, they say "I love you" to strangers or call them "darling". You have to understand it's not like that in other countries.
You need to understand some people can be shy and afraid of loud people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to communicate when your English is poor.
You're afraid to be judged and it's easy to just shut up and being withdrawn.

And one more thing is that Americans are VERY talkative and outgoing ... They hug you, they talk and talk, they say "I love you" to strangers or call them "darling". You have to understand it's not like that in other countries.
You need to understand some people can be shy and afraid of loud people.

If she finds Americans frightening, she should go home. I don't mean that to be mean. But if she finds the culture to be upsetting, she should move on everyone's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she finds Americans frightening, she should go home. I don't mean that to be mean. But if she finds the culture to be upsetting, she should move on everyone's sake.

It's not about the culture being upsetting it's just that Americans can be... intimidating. Especially if you are more quiet or introverted yourself. Or if you are just used to different ways of treating "strangers".
PP is right... Americans are (stereotypically) loud and talkative and outgoing and overly friendly. You get used to it over time (having different personalities when speaking different languages is a thing - I am much more "American" when speaking English than when speaking my native language, I suddenly get all smile-y and say things like "Honey, please don't do that" and want to ask people how they are and how their day went... people I don't know - and I am a northern German! we are cold as ice, we generally hate people). But it takes time to internalize what is expected from you if you have been raised differently. You don't adapt to it just by being thrown into it. It takes time.

If you are unwilling to give that time to your AP, you should reconsider if the program is for you or at least reconsider the countries you are looking at when matching.
I don't mean that to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she finds Americans frightening, she should go home. I don't mean that to be mean. But if she finds the culture to be upsetting, she should move on everyone's sake.

It's not about the culture being upsetting it's just that Americans can be... intimidating. Especially if you are more quiet or introverted yourself. Or if you are just used to different ways of treating "strangers".
PP is right... Americans are (stereotypically) loud and talkative and outgoing and overly friendly. You get used to it over time (having different personalities when speaking different languages is a thing - I am much more "American" when speaking English than when speaking my native language, I suddenly get all smile-y and say things like "Honey, please don't do that" and want to ask people how they are and how their day went... people I don't know - and I am a northern German! we are cold as ice, we generally hate people). But it takes time to internalize what is expected from you if you have been raised differently. You don't adapt to it just by being thrown into it. It takes time.

If you are unwilling to give that time to your AP, you should reconsider if the program is for you or at least reconsider the countries you are looking at when matching.
I don't mean that to be mean.

Yes to everything you said!I lived in Germany and totally agree with the bolded part lol
With that said, my AP was withdrawn at the beginning, she was very shy, but it was mostly because of her bad english and lack of confidence. Now (3 month later) she is sooo much better that we might extend with her! I am glad i gave her some time because tbh, rematching came to my mind. But PP said she speaks AP's language so maybe it is not a language issue? Give her 2 more weeks or so. I will think that by 2 months you should see the difference. Some agencies won't even talk rematch in the first month unless it is a safety issue. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds minor, but this felt so nice after coming off of a bad au pair year. We love our new au pair. So caring and personable. I was ll never just ride it out again!

Is she German? I love how Germans don't yammer on and on about nonsense.

we currently have a German and she just chatters on and on and on and on about stupid crap. No idea how we ended up with a German who acts like a silly American girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to communicate when your English is poor.
You're afraid to be judged and it's easy to just shut up and being withdrawn.

And one more thing is that Americans are VERY talkative and outgoing ... They hug you, they talk and talk, they say "I love you" to strangers or call them "darling". You have to understand it's not like that in other countries.
You need to understand some people can be shy and afraid of loud people.

Compared to us Brazilians, Americans are shy and keep to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to communicate when your English is poor.
You're afraid to be judged and it's easy to just shut up and being withdrawn.

And one more thing is that Americans are VERY talkative and outgoing ... They hug you, they talk and talk, they say "I love you" to strangers or call them "darling". You have to understand it's not like that in other countries.
You need to understand some people can be shy and afraid of loud people.

Um, maybe in the midwest or south, but that is not the norm in the DC area. Not common to tell strangers that you love them, and definitely don't call folks on the street darling. If you are an AP, you really need to try not to generalize

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happy for you, ap. Unfortunately we are having the opposite experience with our new ap, who barely talks. We suffered through it before with our first, but now after a couple of good to great aps I won’t do it again. How can we address it or initiate rematch if it isn’t about her childcare or safety but just a bad personality match?

How's her English ? If that's because she can't speak it well, I wouldn't fire her for that and make sure she gets English classes to improve.

If it's not the problem and that's it's bugging you I'd ask her once to do better and if there's no improvement I'd let her go.

Former AP.

Np. Even if English is not great, there are ways to be friendly and communicative.

Not always true. I would've died for the kids but it would've never crossed my mind to ask how somebody's days was. Never even heard such thing asked in my mother tongue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she finds Americans frightening, she should go home. I don't mean that to be mean. But if she finds the culture to be upsetting, she should move on everyone's sake.

It's not about the culture being upsetting it's just that Americans can be... intimidating. Especially if you are more quiet or introverted yourself. Or if you are just used to different ways of treating "strangers".
PP is right... Americans are (stereotypically) loud and talkative and outgoing and overly friendly. You get used to it over time (having different personalities when speaking different languages is a thing - I am much more "American" when speaking English than when speaking my native language, I suddenly get all smile-y and say things like "Honey, please don't do that" and want to ask people how they are and how their day went... people I don't know - and I am a northern German! we are cold as ice, we generally hate people). But it takes time to internalize what is expected from you if you have been raised differently. You don't adapt to it just by being thrown into it. It takes time.

If you are unwilling to give that time to your AP, you should reconsider if the program is for you or at least reconsider the countries you are looking at when matching.
I don't mean that to be mean.

Ok, well, I am the pp you're responding to and I am married to a German. I don't think it is abnormal at all to expect people to adjust to the culture they chose to live in for a year.