Stick it our or switch?

[Anonymous]

Hi there. Our AP has been with us since January. She is warm, likeable, and affectionate with my kids. Loves our pets. We had a reset meeting 6 days ago due to continual communication challenges (e.g. I have stated a house rule or a safety rule verbally and in writing but she either doesn't understand or ask or forgets and I am an intermediate speaker of her language and so have taken care to translate the important stuff), and not calling me when something happens (e.g. late for school pick up, kid gets a significant injury). I addressed these things with AP when they happened, but the seriousness did not seem to register nor did I get a commitment to call/communicate. I should have had the LCC come a week prior, but AP had a trip planned and I thought it would be better to do after. In the 6 days since our meeting, AP has ramped up efforts significantly (for the first time) and she has stated she wants to stay with us. However, I just generally wonder about her judgement (she put 2 lbs of dried beans from a sensory bin project down the garbage disposal and clogged it, rinsed beans down the bathroom sink and clogged it, ran the slow cooker for 3 hours without the food container in it, has repeatedly forgotten things like bike helmets - yes it is written on the fridge in 2 languages). She has redoubled her efforts like never before but we have 6 months left. I could rematch, but it's a challenge finding someone with the whole package I need: strong driver, good communication, reliability for pick up and drop off, and would like to have someone personable and playful. I have interviewed several rematch candidates and have one that is interested and has all of the things we need except she's not yet a strong driver but we can work on that. Here's where I get hung up: my kids love our AP. She has grown a lot in her 5 months with us. And rematching would mean they have to let her go and adapt to someone new, and there's onboarding and all that goes with it. It kind of feels like bad break up to me - I know current AP would be upset. I have made more effort on my end to be more direct, to spell out and ask for repeating back to me, we have our weekly check ins, and I think we could get through the year. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

It's a tough one. FWIW, not being a strong driver is a deal-breaker, because this is not something you can remedy in a couple of weeks.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'd stick it out. The only things that seem totally bad to me are the bike helmets and all those beans :-/ Otherwise she seems a little flaky but that she is delivering what you need in terms of the driving, reliability and personality. Grass isnt always greener.

[Anonymous]

Put a sign on the BIKES, not the fridge. Tell her NOT to use the slow cooker ever again. And no more beans anywhere. I think it sounds like you want to keep her and you should

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put a sign on the BIKES, not the fridge. Tell her NOT to use the slow cooker ever again. And no more beans anywhere. I think it sounds like you want to keep her and you should

+1

What's most important is the childcare and driving--which she seems to do well with.

Everything else you will need to be a more hands on manager about, but it can be done.

We caught our AP sneaking food into her room for the 4th time (we only allow eating in the kitchen--for ALL of us). I let it go because she is awesome with my kids.

[Anonymous]

I will probably stick it out because at least you know what you are dealing with! also the rematch candidate not being a good driver is going to be a lot to handle for only 6 months left.

How old are you kids? can't they remind the AP about helmets? my 3.5 y old will do that if someone forget to put his helmet or seat belt. Also ask her to send you pictures of the kids playing or before leaving the house. So you can also notice things she is missing and she will know that you are watching.

Lesson learned: don't wait so long to do a reset talk. Imagine you had done this 3 months in, you will be maybe seeing good result now.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put a sign on the BIKES, not the fridge. Tell her NOT to use the slow cooker ever again. And no more beans anywhere. I think it sounds like you want to keep her and you should

+1

What's most important is the childcare and driving--which she seems to do well with.

Everything else you will need to be a more hands on manager about, but it can be done.

We caught our AP sneaking food into her room for the 4th time (we only allow eating in the kitchen--for ALL of us). I let it go because she is awesome with my kids.

You tell an adult that she can't eat in her own personal space?

[Anonymous]

I would keep the one you have.
Put the helmets on the handlebars of the bikes.
The bean thing, while annoying at the time, is unlikely to happen again.

Is there a chance you may be overwhelming her with info? If you have signs in 2 languages and a check in meeting once a week is it possible you are giving out to much info and she can't take it all in or remember it all? If so maybe, just deal with the big stuff which would be safety for me.

I am a Mom now but was an au pair many years ago. I had never used a dishwasher, washing machine or dryer before I came here. The Mom asked me to make a lasagna one day and said everything was in the fridge. I had never made lasagna before and basically layered the pasta, sauce, and parm cheese. She told me I left out the Ricotta cheese and I had no idea what she was talking about, I had never heard of Ricotta cheese.
Depending on where she is from she may be taking in a lot of new things she is dealing with.
If your kids like her and she fits in with your family I would call that a win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put a sign on the BIKES, not the fridge. Tell her NOT to use the slow cooker ever again. And no more beans anywhere. I think it sounds like you want to keep her and you should

+1

What's most important is the childcare and driving--which she seems to do well with.

Everything else you will need to be a more hands on manager about, but it can be done.

We caught our AP sneaking food into her room for the 4th time (we only allow eating in the kitchen--for ALL of us). I let it go because she is awesome with my kids.

You tell an adult that she can't eat in her own personal space?

It’s a household rule for every adult living here. The adult had the information at matching and can be an adult and make an adult decision accordingly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put a sign on the BIKES, not the fridge. Tell her NOT to use the slow cooker ever again. And no more beans anywhere. I think it sounds like you want to keep her and you should

+1

What's most important is the childcare and driving--which she seems to do well with.

Everything else you will need to be a more hands on manager about, but it can be done.

We caught our AP sneaking food into her room for the 4th time (we only allow eating in the kitchen--for ALL of us). I let it go because she is awesome with my kids.

You tell an adult that she can't eat in her own personal space?

It’s a household rule for every adult living here. The adult had the information at matching and can be an adult and make an adult decision accordingly

And The personal space is contained within a home —I happen to pay the mortgage for it

[Anonymous]

Clip the bike helmet to the bike seat. Can’t ride without seeing it. Put a note on the slow cooker not to use without insert. The fact that she’s tying harder now is an excellent sign. Make sure you have a weekly meeting to go over absolutely everything and compliment her when she’s doing a good job.
As for no eating in the room, we have that rule for everyone. Food in rooms equals bugs. That’s not a hardship.

[Anonymous]

I'd move one.

We had a similar situation with an AP who was nice enough, loved the kids and but seemed to have an extreme lack of basic common sense and problem solving skills, and an inability to think under pressure. We rematched before one of these led to one our kiddos getting hurt. We were about 5 months in, had several resent and expectation confirming discussions to no avail. We rematched with an absolute rockstar AP, it was the best move for us.

We require Spanish speaker, strong driver and at the time IQ - a touch combo but our PD helped us get the perfect AP. And we felt so relieved to have her gone - didn't realize the extra stress it was causing until she left.

Also the PPs are giving solutions to a couple of issues you raised. If you're situation is anything like ours was - those are just examples and of course not likely to be repeated, but what about anything else that needs common sense? Will she bang on front door at midnight when the front door is locked, forgetting she ahs the house key, garage door code and garage door opener, and her phone to call us for help? Will she drive in circles for 45 minutes looking for a new field trip drop off location, instead of pulling over to call for help, or looking on Google Maps? Will she drive on a flat tire for 20 miles instead of calling for help? (All of which this AP did). For us the questions wasn't how to resolve past issues but - what's next? And will our kids be involved?

[Anonymous]

^^oops

*move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd move one.

We had a similar situation with an AP who was nice enough, loved the kids and but seemed to have an extreme lack of basic common sense and problem solving skills, and an inability to think under pressure. We rematched before one of these led to one our kiddos getting hurt. We were about 5 months in, had several resent and expectation confirming discussions to no avail. We rematched with an absolute rockstar AP, it was the best move for us.

We require Spanish speaker, strong driver and at the time IQ - a touch combo but our PD helped us get the perfect AP. And we felt so relieved to have her gone - didn't realize the extra stress it was causing until she left.

Also the PPs are giving solutions to a couple of issues you raised. If you're situation is anything like ours was - those are just examples and of course not likely to be repeated, but what about anything else that needs common sense? Will she bang on front door at midnight when the front door is locked, forgetting she ahs the house key, garage door code and garage door opener, and her phone to call us for help? Will she drive in circles for 45 minutes looking for a new field trip drop off location, instead of pulling over to call for help, or looking on Google Maps? Will she drive on a flat tire for 20 miles instead of calling for help? (All of which this AP did). For us the questions wasn't how to resolve past issues but - what's next? And will our kids be involved?

+1. It is difficult to fix a lack of common sense. I would rematch for the children's safety. I bet you spend a lot of the day worrying about what is going on at home. We went through rematch this year and it was stressful, but ultimately we ended up with a great au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put a sign on the BIKES, not the fridge. Tell her NOT to use the slow cooker ever again. And no more beans anywhere. I think it sounds like you want to keep her and you should

+1

What's most important is the childcare and driving--which she seems to do well with.

Everything else you will need to be a more hands on manager about, but it can be done.

We caught our AP sneaking food into her room for the 4th time (we only allow eating in the kitchen--for ALL of us). I let it go because she is awesome with my kids.

You tell an adult that she can't eat in her own personal space?

It’s a household rule for every adult living here. The adult had the information at matching and can be an adult and make an adult decision accordingly

+1. The Au Pair needs to stop trolling