Disciplining a preschooler

[Anonymous]

How do other families approach disciplining their toddlers/preschoolers. We have a 3 yo who is generally well tempered, but does throw tantrums, sometimes kicking and throwing things. If this happens we hold our child’s arms/legs, try to move to a quiet corner, attempt to redirect, have our child take deep breaths and apologize. Less than a week in, we are going into rematch over this because AP feels we didn’t support her by not punishing our child for their behavior, though she has no suggestions as to an alternate approach. Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior, but I’m open to other families suggestions/approaches. How do others manage this?

[Anonymous]

We do a time in. We remove our kids from the room and go somewhere quiet to calm down. We take away anything that could be thrown. Why are you allowing your child to have access to anything they can throw? Once you see them getting upset, you should move quickly to get them out of the situation that's stimulating them, and encourage them to calm down so they can get back to having fun.

[Anonymous]

Did you ask your AP during matching what the discipline was like when she was a child? Did she understand that it was to teach her self-discipline, not punish her?

Unless we do a lot of work, we repeat what we learn as children. A child who was abused grows up to be an abuser, unless they do a lot of work to overcome the emotional damage and look around for better options. Even for someone whose childhood discipline never crossed the line into abuse can easily slip into the same model that they were taught. It takes emotional awareness to even consider a different path.

As a child, I was abused emotionally, mentally and physically. I did the work. I found other options to safely help children learn self-discipline. But it’s an ongoing battle, and every day I repeat to myself: “I love children. My job is to teach them about our world and teach them how to navigate that world. Their job is to find every loophole, hazy boundary and forgotten rule. I can get frustrated with them, but I will never yell, hurt or demean them, because they are doing their job and learning.”

It sounds like your AP was raised in a way that conflicts with how you are raising your child, and she doesn’t have the desire to see that she is repeating what she learned as a child. I would definitely suggest rematch, but one of your top questions needs to be about discipline methods.

As a side note, why are you restraining your child? Removing objects which could be thrown makes sense. Removing your child to a safe area to calm down makes sense. But unless your child is hurting themself or others, it’s actually more damaging than helpful.

[Anonymous]

Instant time out or loss of privileges. A 3yo is old enough for a delayed consequence. Are you saying your au pair wanted to spank your child?

[Anonymous]

Does he kick people or things? Was your au pair kicked. If so, this is not kk. You need to have a zero tolerance policy on that.

[Anonymous]

Time outs and lose privileges like electronics. You are rewarding bad behavior the way you are doing it. Nanny style.

[Anonymous]

If Ap advocates for shanking she needs to go interest rematch.

[Anonymous]

OP didn't say the AP advocated for spanking. OP said "Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior" - it could just as well be that OP can only come up with screaming and spanking as alternative ways to handle their child's temper tantrums.

If AP has been kicked and had things thrown at them all in their first week? I get why they are going into rematch. This is not ok and it seems that OP's approach is not working if it continues to happing. Throwing temper tantrums at 3? Totally normal. Throwing things and kicking / hitting people? Not any more. That should have been dealt with at age 1 or 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do other families approach disciplining their toddlers/preschoolers. We have a 3 yo who is generally well tempered, but does throw tantrums, sometimes kicking and throwing things. If this happens we hold our child’s arms/legs, try to move to a quiet corner, attempt to redirect, have our child take deep breaths and apologize. Less than a week in, we are going into rematch over this because AP feels we didn’t support her by not punishing our child for their behavior, though she has no suggestions as to an alternate approach. Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior, but I’m open to other families suggestions/approaches. How do others manage this?

It sounds like you're saying your AP has been with your family less than ONE WEEK.

Your AP used you for a visa and ticket to the US. No "discipline" issues for a 3 year old warrant rematch unless AP is completely unqualified. A 3 year old is not going to beat up a 18+ year old by kicking and throwing things. Nearly every 3 year old WILL throw tantrums, especially if tired or hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do other families approach disciplining their toddlers/preschoolers. We have a 3 yo who is generally well tempered, but does throw tantrums, sometimes kicking and throwing things. If this happens we hold our child’s arms/legs, try to move to a quiet corner, attempt to redirect, have our child take deep breaths and apologize. Less than a week in, we are going into rematch over this because AP feels we didn’t support her by not punishing our child for their behavior, though she has no suggestions as to an alternate approach. Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior, but I’m open to other families suggestions/approaches. How do others manage this?

It sounds like you're saying your AP has been with your family less than ONE WEEK.

Your AP used you for a visa and ticket to the US. No "discipline" issues for a 3 year old warrant rematch unless AP is completely unqualified. A 3 year old is not going to beat up a 18+ year old by kicking and throwing things. Nearly every 3 year old WILL throw tantrums, especially if tired or hungry.

3 year olds in Europe do not hit and kick people. So if i were 18 or 19 and was kicked in my 1st week here and there was no real consequence i would leave too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do other families approach disciplining their toddlers/preschoolers. We have a 3 yo who is generally well tempered, but does throw tantrums, sometimes kicking and throwing things. If this happens we hold our child’s arms/legs, try to move to a quiet corner, attempt to redirect, have our child take deep breaths and apologize. Less than a week in, we are going into rematch over this because AP feels we didn’t support her by not punishing our child for their behavior, though she has no suggestions as to an alternate approach. Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior, but I’m open to other families suggestions/approaches. How do others manage this?

It sounds like you're saying your AP has been with your family less than ONE WEEK.

Your AP used you for a visa and ticket to the US. No "discipline" issues for a 3 year old warrant rematch unless AP is completely unqualified. A 3 year old is not going to beat up a 18+ year old by kicking and throwing things. Nearly every 3 year old WILL throw tantrums, especially if tired or hungry.

3 year olds in Europe do not hit and kick people. So if i were 18 or 19 and was kicked in my 1st week here and there was no real consequence i would leave too.

Bye Felicia. Good luck getting a new host family if you are advocating spanking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do other families approach disciplining their toddlers/preschoolers. We have a 3 yo who is generally well tempered, but does throw tantrums, sometimes kicking and throwing things. If this happens we hold our child’s arms/legs, try to move to a quiet corner, attempt to redirect, have our child take deep breaths and apologize. Less than a week in, we are going into rematch over this because AP feels we didn’t support her by not punishing our child for their behavior, though she has no suggestions as to an alternate approach. Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior, but I’m open to other families suggestions/approaches. How do others manage this?

It sounds like you're saying your AP has been with your family less than ONE WEEK.

Your AP used you for a visa and ticket to the US. No "discipline" issues for a 3 year old warrant rematch unless AP is completely unqualified. A 3 year old is not going to beat up a 18+ year old by kicking and throwing things. Nearly every 3 year old WILL throw tantrums, especially if tired or hungry.

3 year olds in Europe do not hit and kick people. So if i were 18 or 19 and was kicked in my 1st week here and there was no real consequence i would leave too.

3 year olds everywhere kick, hit and have tantrums. However, usually it starts at age 2 and if parents deal with it, for most kids its short lived. I cannot blame an 18 year old for not wanting to be the parent and try to fix it without support from the parent. Hugging/holding your child rewards the behavior. OP needs to have strong consequences each and every time, such as a time out, room time until they can calm down (if there are not a lot of toys in the room or something stronger).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP didn't say the AP advocated for spanking. OP said "Our thought is that screaming and spanking will only escalate and exacerbate the bad behavior" - it could just as well be that OP can only come up with screaming and spanking as alternative ways to handle their child's temper tantrums.

If AP has been kicked and had things thrown at them all in their first week? I get why they are going into rematch. This is not ok and it seems that OP's approach is not working if it continues to happing. Throwing temper tantrums at 3? Totally normal. Throwing things and kicking / hitting people? Not any more. That should have been dealt with at age 1 or 2.

You don't need to scream or spank. You need to pick one punishment and stick to it being very consistent. Redirecting is fine for don't touch the hot pot but not for hitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time outs and lose privileges like electronics. You are rewarding bad behavior the way you are doing it. Nanny style.

A good nanny will not give an unrelated consequence. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time outs and lose privileges like electronics. You are rewarding bad behavior the way you are doing it. Nanny style.

A good nanny will not give an unrelated consequence. Discipline is about teaching, not punishing.

We are not talking about a nanny, we are talking about what the parents should do. They tried redirecting and all sorts of other stuff and it didn't work. Now parents need to be very firm and have a strong consequence for poor behavior. There is no related consequence but to hit back, which isn't ok.