Reasonable "part of the family" tasks

[Anonymous]

Our 4th AP has been with our family for 2 months. We have 2 school-aged kids. She works 630-730 am and then 230-530 pm M-F. We say we do occasional date nights but have only really done one since she's been here. We eat together as a family for dinner M-F, my husband and I cook 3 meals, AP cooks one (usually a meal kit or frozen lasagna with salad...something easy), on Fridays we always order pizza and watch a movie. Weekends we do "fend for yourself" style eating but AP is often out all day on weekends and if we do cook something we always offer it to her as well.

Anyway, we had established that the person who is cooking also does the dishes because it seemed easier than arguing with my husband about whose turn it is And I've realized that other than that one night per week, AP is really not doing 1/3 of the work of the family dinners which I actually kind of expect her to do. Previous APs have unloaded the dishwasher in the mornings and reload ed it with breakfast dishes, take out trash or recycling if it's full, and generally clean up the kitchen in the morning after the kids (husband and I don't eat breakfast at home but might use a coffee cup or two). Is it reasonable to ask her to work until 8 am during the week to empty dishwasher, reload it with breakfast dishes, take out trash/recycling if full, and generally return kitchen to a clean state before she goes off duty until the afternoon? She does wash up her own breakfast and lunch dishes (by hand) and the kids dishes from breakfast (also by hand). But every day when I get home from work there are the coffee cups and I have to unload the dishwasher and often take out one of the bins.

What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 4th AP has been with our family for 2 months. We have 2 school-aged kids. She works 630-730 am and then 230-530 pm M-F. We say we do occasional date nights but have only really done one since she's been here. We eat together as a family for dinner M-F, my husband and I cook 3 meals, AP cooks one (usually a meal kit or frozen lasagna with salad...something easy), on Fridays we always order pizza and watch a movie. Weekends we do "fend for yourself" style eating but AP is often out all day on weekends and if we do cook something we always offer it to her as well.

Anyway, we had established that the person who is cooking also does the dishes because it seemed easier than arguing with my husband about whose turn it is And I've realized that other than that one night per week, AP is really not doing 1/3 of the work of the family dinners which I actually kind of expect her to do. Previous APs have unloaded the dishwasher in the mornings and reload ed it with breakfast dishes, take out trash or recycling if it's full, and generally clean up the kitchen in the morning after the kids (husband and I don't eat breakfast at home but might use a coffee cup or two). Is it reasonable to ask her to work until 8 am during the week to empty dishwasher, reload it with breakfast dishes, take out trash/recycling if full, and generally return kitchen to a clean state before she goes off duty until the afternoon? She does wash up her own breakfast and lunch dishes (by hand) and the kids dishes from breakfast (also by hand). But every day when I get home from work there are the coffee cups and I have to unload the dishwasher and often take out one of the bins.

What do you think?

Yes, that's totally reasonable, as long as you're not leaving your own stuff for her to clean up. Unloading the dishwasher has always been an au pair specific task, and cleaning up after yourself has gone without saying. Emptying the trash you might have to specifically tell her, but again totally reasonable as long as duties are split.

[Anonymous]

Reasonable, OP, but remiss of you to have failed to tell her earlier. Now I think you run the risk of her complaining/feeling "put upon" despite the fact that your request is very reasonable. I added "empty dishwasher every day" to my handbook between AP1 and AP2 bc I realized it would make my life much easier to have an empty dishwasher to put dinner dishes into. Also, keep in mind by doing the breakfast and lunch stuff, she is actually doing a nice job with keeping things tidy so do give her some credit for that

[Anonymous]

Participating in general kitchen cleanup is part of our AP's duties. Unloading/reloading dishwasher, tidying up after kiddos eat, taking recycling from kitchen to bin in garage. The trash is never that full so that's not an issue. We all participate in these tasks, so sometimes I can empty the dishwasher at night to leave it ready to go in the morning, other times I fill it last thing during the day so it's clean and waiting for AP in the morning. We ask AP to only use the dishwasher except for the few items that are handwash only since it's more energy efficient to use the dishwasher. All of our APs have come from areas where dishwashers are not very common so it takes a while to get them to use ours.

[Anonymous]

Reasonable tasks to ask her to do. As others have said, she may begrudge you a bit since she may think she is taking on extra work, but she does need to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 4th AP has been with our family for 2 months. We have 2 school-aged kids. She works 630-730 am and then 230-530 pm M-F. We say we do occasional date nights but have only really done one since she's been here. We eat together as a family for dinner M-F, my husband and I cook 3 meals, AP cooks one (usually a meal kit or frozen lasagna with salad...something easy), on Fridays we always order pizza and watch a movie. Weekends we do "fend for yourself" style eating but AP is often out all day on weekends and if we do cook something we always offer it to her as well.

Anyway, we had established that the person who is cooking also does the dishes because it seemed easier than arguing with my husband about whose turn it is And I've realized that other than that one night per week, AP is really not doing 1/3 of the work of the family dinners which I actually kind of expect her to do. Previous APs have unloaded the dishwasher in the mornings and reload ed it with breakfast dishes, take out trash or recycling if it's full, and generally clean up the kitchen in the morning after the kids (husband and I don't eat breakfast at home but might use a coffee cup or two). Is it reasonable to ask her to work until 8 am during the week to empty dishwasher, reload it with breakfast dishes, take out trash/recycling if full, and generally return kitchen to a clean state before she goes off duty until the afternoon? She does wash up her own breakfast and lunch dishes (by hand) and the kids dishes from breakfast (also by hand). But every day when I get home from work there are the coffee cups and I have to unload the dishwasher and often take out one of the bins.

What do you think?

Wait, so she cleans up after the kids and herself, but that’s not enough? It sounds like you’re upset that she’s not cleaning up after you and your husband.

Make a schedule for the dishwasher. Make a schedule for cleaning up after dinner. And you two need to clean up after yourselves in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Former AP here. I didn't have a dishwasher back home and when I arrived in the US I didn't know how to use one.
So ... I washed the dishes by hand ... until the host mother noticed that I wasn't using the dishwasher.
Maybe that's why she doesn't use it

[Anonymous]

1/3 of the work is an unreasonable expectation. APs are basically cranky teens. You tell her 1/3 and you might get 1/6 and that would be considered decent performance. You’ll hear about some APs being great. You don’t have one of those who feels compelled to help keep the house clean. She’s doing the bare minimum in terms of her responsibility: herself and the kids. You want her to be a better roommate, but obviously she doesn’t see it that way.

[Anonymous]

I would not try to get my APs to do 1/3 of household chores for a lot of reasons. Dishwasher unloading feels too much like a disallowed chore to me. If you just need more help maybe try to spin off one of the kid things you do (making lunches?)

[Anonymous]

Being a good roommate doesn't mean cleaning up after the host parents and put THEIR two mugs in the dishwasher.
THEY should do it.

Cleaning up after a meal as a shared chore is perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Being a good roommate also means not being passive aggressive, and AP leaving 2 mugs in the sink but doing the rest of the dishes seems passive aggressive to me.

[Anonymous]

I think it helps if the AP has a specific scheduled task instead of 1/3 of all chores. For example our AP empty the dish first thing in the morning when she is scheduled in the AM. She also bring the trash bins inside on Mondays after pickup (because the trash is picked when we are all gone). Those are her only two chores. The rest of her tasks are exclusive related to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a good roommate also means not being passive aggressive, and AP leaving 2 mugs in the sink but doing the rest of the dishes seems passive aggressive to me.

Being a good roommate and following the rules (not being required to clean up after the adults) are not mutually exclusive...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a good roommate also means not being passive aggressive, and AP leaving 2 mugs in the sink but doing the rest of the dishes seems passive aggressive to me.

So that's OK if the parents are too lazy to put their own mugs in the dishwasher?

No, it's not OK.

[Anonymous]

Our au pair cleans up the breakfast dishes @75% of the time, and always runs/empties the dishwasher when needed. I truly appreciate it and often tel her so. I do mornings with my kids and am usually scrambling out the door just before 8am. If I came home to a sink full of dishes I wouldn’t be thrilled, especially since I only have a cup of tea in the mornings and all the other dishes are my kids’ breakfasts.

I think it warrants a conversation, but should’ve been communicated up front.