how to have a reset conversation without breeding resentment?

[Anonymous]

Our current nanny has been with us for about six months. DD likes her. She's very sweet and an okay employee, but not a great one. I could mention some of her shortcomings and they seem small when listed individually, but when taken as a whole I feel like she's not living up to our expectations. Our biggest thing is that she's very flaky and has poor attention to detail (she has misplaced our stuff, she forgets which activities are on which days, she needs constant reminding about things, etc.). And today, I worked from home (this is a rare occurrence) and she facetimed for about 20 minutes while DD played by herself next to her (I could see them out the window). I am all for independent play, but DD naps for nearly two hours a day. I would hope that any non-emergency phone calls could be reserved for that time.

We'll be coming up on six months at the end of May and I'd like to use this as an opportunity to have a check-in/reset conversation with her. What's the best way to go about this without fostering resentment or hurting the relationship?

Our DD is two and I originally didn't have plans to send her to preschool until next year. Of course, if the issues were much bigger I would not hesitate for a second in making the change sooner, but given that I think these things are not safety-related and are potentially fixable, I'm still hoping we can improve on things. If our nanny for some reason leaves before next summer, we would send DD to pre-school earlier than expected (assuming we can get in somewhere), rather than look for a new nanny for less than a year. But ideally, we can find a way to make this work for us until then.

[Anonymous]

Making a calendar of your dd's activities with times and locations can help. Also include what she needs to wear/take.

As far as Facetiming, yeah, not necessary obviously. I would ask her to Face time when your daughter is napping.
Please don't ask her not to have her phone available during her work hours. I am a nanny with about 30 care family contacts on my phone and will get asked for emergency or short notice care several times a week, so I could not work for someone who expected me not to have my phone on me.

[Anonymous]

I had a calendar/ planner I kept in the kitchen that i would keep all my plans on, even the classes that were the same time every week. This helped me not forget stuff but also allowed the parents to see what we are up to if they wanted to look.

I think its fair to ask that any conversation over 5 mins be kept for naptime unless its an emergency.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I bought her a fridge calendar a few months back because she asked for one and because I hoped it would help. However, nanny will fill out the calendar, but she'll put things on certain days that aren't open on those days. The calendar seems to have helped a little bit, but not quite as much as I had hoped.

For those posters that this helped, do you fill out the calendar or does your nanny? When she first started I basically gave her a rough calendar of various storytimes or events on various dates, but then also a separate list of parks, play centers, open gyms, etc. that she could rotate through on various days as she deemed fit. I've read enough DCUM to realize that some posters jump on you if it seems like you're micromanaging, while others will say "just tell nanny and it'll be fine."

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I've had a few nannies over the years off and on.

To me, the shortcomings that you mention *are* the job. Being organized, trustworthy and attentive is why you have a nanny so unless she makes up for it with overwhelming love for your child I would skip over a second chance. A nanny for less than a year that you love and trust isn't a terrible thing.

Good luck, it's all so hard.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford a professional nanny?

[Anonymous]

I think you’re right to worry about resentment. The best way to change the pattern is to develop new habits (admittedly not easy). At the beginning of each week maybe schedule a meeting where you go over the calendar together? You can watch and correct her thought process that way, and gently guide her toward the kinds of behavior you expect.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a nanny for a very long time. I have always made a calendar/sought out activities. Your nanny is not doing her job. She should be on top of this. She was given a calendar per her request and still cannot succeed. As for FaceTime, it should only occur during nap time. I would most definitely talk with her. After the talk if she has an attitude or doesn’t improve, I think it’s best you cut your losses and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a nanny for a very long time. I have always made a calendar/sought out activities. Your nanny is not doing her job. She should be on top of this. She was given a calendar per her request and still cannot succeed. As for FaceTime, it should only occur during nap time. I would most definitely talk with her. After the talk if she has an attitude or doesn’t improve, I think it’s best you cut your losses and move on.

+1. Another nanny here and I agree. I’ve always been the one to plan activities. The use of the phone while your child is awake is absolutely unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Write a letter. Phrase everything professionally, then just go over the letter during your meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a nanny for a very long time. I have always made a calendar/sought out activities. Your nanny is not doing her job. She should be on top of this. She was given a calendar per her request and still cannot succeed. As for FaceTime, it should only occur during nap time. I would most definitely talk with her. After the talk if she has an attitude or doesn’t improve, I think it’s best you cut your losses and move on.

+1. Another nanny here and I agree. I’ve always been the one to plan activities. The use of the phone while your child is awake is absolutely unacceptable.

+2 on the phone. Either put it away or use it for the child(ten). My charges FaceTime parents and I send pictures and videos. I check the calendar and arrange play dates. I check the weather and tonight, we looked up Jane Yolen titles (he was astounded that she has over 200 kids’ books). But if it’s not child-centric? Not while my charges are awake and with me.

[Anonymous]

Your nanny is doing a terrible job!

You shouldn't have to manager her for these things. While we are human and might muck up activities once she should be able to keep in mind a few babies classes. I personally would just find a new nanny, but if you are detirmined to keep her have a meeting bring up your concerns and say what you need to see from her in order to keep her. Your expectations are realistic

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for confirming what I had already suspected.

She is our second nanny. Our first one was with us for about a year and a half and was just a rock star. She left to go to grad school around Thanksgiving. DH and I used to joke with each other that our first nanny ruined it for any potential future nanny because she was so awesome. That's why I wasn't sure if my expectations were just too high. But I'm sadly realizing that while our first nanny was truly great, our current nanny isn't only suffering from the comparison. She's just not meeting expectations period. I'm giving this background partially to explain why I'd like to try and make this work (if and only things get better) since DD already went through a childcare transition six months ago and I was originally hoping to not put her through another large change unless I absolutely have to.

That being said, I will be mentioning to our nanny tomorrow that we'd like to have a check-in sometime next week.

Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

How did she interview? With whom does she facetime?

[Anonymous]

What are you paying her? If you only pay $15/hr then you only get $15/hr care. You don't get champagne on a beer salary.