Vacation Etiquette

[Anonymous]

Thinking about getting an au pair next year but have two vacations booked already.

What is normal? Do you pay to bring the au pair or give them the week off and maybe a little extra stipend so they can do something else? I don’t want her to feel not part of the family, but in one case, it would require getting her a hotel room separate from the beach house we rented with friends or asking her to couch surf. The second vacation is a ski trip over New Years and we could stay in a less convenient condo building To accommodate but would like to avoid that if unecessary.

[Anonymous]

Give her the week off.

[Anonymous]

The friends of APs I have known have sometimes been cool with this but more often had very hurt feelings. I have personally seen it spoil a match so tread carefully.

Given your specific circumstances I would suggest explaining the lodging situation to your AP and telling her she’s welcome to stay on an air mattress in the living room and join you or else use her time as she would like without it using up all her vacation time. Be completely upfront about all the details.

[Anonymous]

I would try to take her on the ski trip but give her the week off or offer an air mattress.

[Anonymous]

It's hard when you plan far in advance and awkward if you don't even know the AP yet, but it would be best to include a separate room for the AP if you are renting a house or condo. It can be a working vacation for her, which helps you too, because you can have some date nights while you are there. Or excursions you wouldn't take with the children or whatever. Yes, it is more expensive, but it is one of the costs/benefits of having an AP.

AP's vacation time: usually families who can only take 2-3 weeks off will choose one week and tell the AP to make her own plans and allow the AP to choose a week so she can match travel with a friend. They also get to travel at the end of the year for a month.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

[Anonymous]

Just discuss it during matching and make sure AP understands and is cool with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

Yikes. If you don’t pay for her to come, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t breed resentment. I know it’s super expensive but unlike a trip to, say, Chicago, I don’t see an au pair turning it down, couch or otherwise. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We have hosted for 12 years and pretty much never take our APs on vacation. We are crystal clear about this in matching and always give them the extra time off. Since they hear this in matching and hear it from our APs they talk to before they match, no one expects it and therefor no one is hurt. I would be very up front about this and not feel guilty for one second. If ap has enough notice, they can go anywhere they’d like during their extra time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just discuss it during matching and make sure AP understands and is cool with it.

This! Just be honest and up-front about it. In addition, I would sweeten the deal with an extra vacation week for her choosing. Also, I hope that your first trip is not too close to the arrival date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

Yikes. If you don’t pay for her to come, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t breed resentment. I know it’s super expensive but unlike a trip to, say, Chicago, I don’t see an au pair turning it down, couch or otherwise. Good luck.

I would absolutely not being ap in that case. Explain it well and don’t feel guilty. Being a host family does not mean ap has to be invited on everything you do and every vacation you take. If this was over Xmas I’d try to bring her. But we are allowed to take family vacations. From now on be upfront about it in matching that there will be weeks where you travel and they can take that as extra vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

Yikes. If you don’t pay for her to come, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t breed resentment. I know it’s super expensive but unlike a trip to, say, Chicago, I don’t see an au pair turning it down, couch or otherwise. Good luck.

This is an exhausting way to host- constantly worried about ensuring AP is getting everything she might want. It's not healthy. She takes vacations away from you. You are allowed to take vacations from AP. And when you host year after year, you need the alone time as a family unit. I'm not going to avoid vacationing to fun places because it might "breed resentment." If AP honestly resents us for taking a vacation, then she's got serious entitlement issues and should rematch rather than drive me nuts with her lack of boundaries or sense.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who said to explain that accommodations were made in advance or aren't really well set up for additional privacy for AP. Maybe consider giving her tickets to something around here (perhaps for her and a friend) that would be a special treat, so she can enjoy her time off. If she's able to do some fun things with friends, you guys might both be refreshed when you resume.

[Anonymous]

We've honestly never had a problem with not taking our AP's on vacation. We give them the extra time off and they are happy to use it to travel themselves.
I honestly don't think they view a trip with our small kids as much of a vacation anyway.

[Anonymous]

It is totally fine not to bring AP on vacations.
But be crystal clear when you are interviewing and matching.
In fact, also be clear that she will take her 2 vacation weeks those weeks that you are on vacation. To be nice, throw in an extra vacation week for AP of her choosing.

I know too many host families were vacations become a big miscommunication and someone end up upset. or the host family ends up giving the AP more vacation then they intend, or AP books vacation without asking host family.
Seriously, be crystal clear, write it down in the beginning.
- 6 year host mom