Vacation Etiquette

[Anonymous]

Only take my AP to my parents for thanksgiving and summer week. I give her $500 to go somewhere fun when we go away for our big summer vacation. Never been a problem. Seems like host families are taking APs on vacations less and less these days.

[Anonymous]

There are threads and threads here about vacationing with AP, and each side thinking they are doing the other a favor by AP going with. Host family spends a lot of money, and AP is not comfortable in a small space with host family 24/7.
Moral is- don't bring AP.

[Anonymous]

We only take out APs with us when we travel to see family for Christmas. All other trips are without APs. I actually believe that APs are happy to get the extra time off. Let’s face it. We are boring.

[Anonymous]

We don't bring our AP on any of our vacations. Only 1 or 2 that were long weekend drives.

We do, however, make sure she can drive, has friends in the area/program, and can plan her own travel when we are on ours.

[Anonymous]

I’m a nanny who follows the AP forum as well, so I don’t know! But my impression is that it is a cultural exchange (part of why the cost is so low) and I feel like family vacations are part of that. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a nanny who follows the AP forum as well, so I don’t know! But my impression is that it is a cultural exchange (part of why the cost is so low) and I feel like family vacations are part of that. Right?

Not necessarily. Cultural exchange does not mean that you are glued at the hip 365 days a year. Just like APs take vacations without HFs, HFs are entitled to take vacations without APs. This is what vacations are for

[Anonymous]

We take our AP skiing, disney or hawaii every year. We just factor in the cost of the program. Plus it is always cool to see their reaction to those places....you know they will remember it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

Yikes. If you don’t pay for her to come, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t breed resentment. I know it’s super expensive but unlike a trip to, say, Chicago, I don’t see an au pair turning it down, couch or otherwise. Good luck.

This is an exhausting way to host- constantly worried about ensuring AP is getting everything she might want. It's not healthy. She takes vacations away from you. You are allowed to take vacations from AP. And when you host year after year, you need the alone time as a family unit. I'm not going to avoid vacationing to fun places because it might "breed resentment." If AP honestly resents us for taking a vacation, then she's got serious entitlement issues and should rematch rather than drive me nuts with her lack of boundaries or sense.

THIS 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We take our AP skiing, disney or hawaii every year. We just factor in the cost of the program. Plus it is always cool to see their reaction to those places....you know they will remember it!

That’s a personal choice likely because you have the bandwidth and the budget to treat the AP more kind a traveling guest or one of your family in the sense that you choose to take more responsibility personally (more like an exchange student), but that is not the norm. Most people have AP’s for the reciprocity of childcare support in exchange for a US home base and cultural exchange doesn’f mean taking on the responsibility and expense of their American adventure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

Yikes. If you don’t pay for her to come, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t breed resentment. I know it’s super expensive but unlike a trip to, say, Chicago, I don’t see an au pair turning it down, couch or otherwise. Good luck.

This is an exhausting way to host- constantly worried about ensuring AP is getting everything she might want. It's not healthy. She takes vacations away from you. You are allowed to take vacations from AP. And when you host year after year, you need the alone time as a family unit. I'm not going to avoid vacationing to fun places because it might "breed resentment." If AP honestly resents us for taking a vacation, then she's got serious entitlement issues and should rematch rather than drive me nuts with her lack of boundaries or sense.

I agree 100%, your family vacations are for your family and are a great time for you to re-charge alone as a family without your au pair. We usually just give our au pair the week(s) off when we are on vacation and maybe give them an extra bonus so that they can travel themselves or something when we are away. Unless you are renting a house in the outer banks and driving (no extra hotel room + airfare) it is just too expensive to bring your au pair on vacation unless you really need the childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat. Following.

I have a two week Hawaii vacation planned for this summer. Don't need her help, as my kids are older and my parents are also going. But don't want her to feel excluded. I also don''t want to pay for airfare/food/etc. for her to come along.

But she's been so helpful and good with the kids, and doesn't plan on taking a gap month, I feel guilty and like I should be gifting it.

Yikes. If you don’t pay for her to come, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t breed resentment. I know it’s super expensive but unlike a trip to, say, Chicago, I don’t see an au pair turning it down, couch or otherwise. Good luck.

This is an exhausting way to host- constantly worried about ensuring AP is getting everything she might want. It's not healthy. She takes vacations away from you. You are allowed to take vacations from AP. And when you host year after year, you need the alone time as a family unit. I'm not going to avoid vacationing to fun places because it might "breed resentment." If AP honestly resents us for taking a vacation, then she's got serious entitlement issues and should rematch rather than drive me nuts with her lack of boundaries or sense.

I agree 100%, your family vacations are for your family and are a great time for you to re-charge alone as a family without your au pair. We usually just give our au pair the week(s) off when we are on vacation and maybe give them an extra bonus so that they can travel themselves or something when we are away. Unless you are renting a house in the outer banks and driving (no extra hotel room + airfare) it is just too expensive to bring your au pair on vacation unless you really need the childcare.

We have gone to Rehoboth and the outer banks without our AP. It's not so much about the cost, but about spending a week just hanging out, without having to worry about entertaining another person and making sure she is having a good time. Let's face it, neither of those places are exciting destinations for an AP. And our company is not all that exciting either. Vacations away from your AP are good for all parties. We always come home excited to see our AP and to hear about her adventures away from us.

[Anonymous]

Unless you need the AP to work, don't take her.

If you already know this far in advance, make it clear before match so there is no surprise. Either just give her that time as bonus time off or have her agree that will be counted as vacation but say it up front and be transparent.

You don't have to invite the AP to everything, restaurants, local activities, or vacations. Not like there is any expectation that she offers you an open invite to attend all of her activities. Sometimes it is healthy for the host family to have time to recharge among themselves without the AP and also healthy for the host family and AP to have some time apart to recharge, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We take our AP skiing, disney or hawaii every year. We just factor in the cost of the program. Plus it is always cool to see their reaction to those places....you know they will remember it!

That’s a personal choice likely because you have the bandwidth and the budget to treat the AP more kind a traveling guest or one of your family in the sense that you choose to take more responsibility personally (more like an exchange student), but that is not the norm. Most people have AP’s for the reciprocity of childcare support in exchange for a US home base and cultural exchange doesn’f mean taking on the responsibility and expense of their American adventure.

We also take our APs on our vacations, partly for another set of hands and partly because I like them and think it’s fun to show them places they’ve not been before. It is more of a “family member” or “exchange student” mindset and definitely because we have the budget to do it. We get plenty of time as a family through the year (weekends at home and also long weekends away to when AP is traveling elsewhere or opts not to join) and my kids have really liked each of the APs we’ve had and I think would be a little sad if they didn’t come on a fun trip. Generally we chose an AP because we wanted to do things like this, otherwise we’d have a nanny or do aftercare.

[Anonymous]

We take our nanny AND our AP (yes we have both) but we have 4 kids, and can afford it. It’s a good time for all. Like pp, we have plenty of family time throughout the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We take our nanny AND our AP (yes we have both) but we have 4 kids, and can afford it. It’s a good time for all. Like pp, we have plenty of family time throughout the year.

Its a job for the nanny if she's working. It may be fun for you as you get a lot of help and don't have to deal with your kids but its a job for them.