Recent bizarre judgment by nanny

[Anonymous]

We've had a nanny for two days a week for about five months whom we like well enough. About 1.5 weeks ago my nanny mentioned at the end of the day that she and my four-year-old son cut down some bamboo in our backyard because my son wanted to build a house with it. I was really surprised and told her not to do it again. I finally went out there over this past weekend when the weather improved where we live and saw what they had done--they had taken pruning shears and cut down every piece of bamboo in a five-foot stretch! My husband thinks the nanny agreed to do it because the nanny and my two-year-old daughter wanted to have better access to pet the neighbors' dog through the fence. We were flabbergasted at the poor judgment. Now we literally have no bamboo along a certain stretch of our fence. I spoke with her again about it this morning and said it was not ok and not to do it again, and that they (including my apparently very persuasive preschool-aged son) were not allowed to use the pruning shears. And that they are not allowed to pet the dog through the fence ever. (A bit of background info--a couple months ago we paid gardeners to thin out our bamboo, but there is no stretch where we removed all of it.)

Well, at the end of the day today she showed me a house they built in the backyard using rope they retrieved from the garage. They cut up (using kitchen shears this time) a brand-new long rope we had in the garage and used it to tie pieces of the old bamboo together. Getting the rope and cutting it up is the issue, not the kitchen shears/old bamboo.

I am going to have a serious conversation with my nanny the next day we see her about these judgment issues. I suspect she is letting my son tell her what to do--he is obsessed with building stuff, and is possibly lying to her that he is allowed to do XYZ. (We've now had a conversation with him, of course.) She may also have assumed my husband and I are fairly relaxed about all this because we are happy for our son to build structures out of cardboard boxes and play in the mud and such. But to cut down a part of our backyard, and then to cut up a brand-new rope from our garage? I can't imagine this is an issue but I will mention that she doesn't speak English well (that I know of) and we all speak to each other in Spanish (which I'm decent at but am certainly not native). Anyway, my husband thinks this is a huge red flag and wonders how we can even go forward. But I'd like to see where a reset conversation takes us since I like her otherwise. And all of this is very sudden--she's never shown such a lack of judgment before. Thoughts? What would you do? I certainly see now that I need to be clear about things I never would have imagined needing to tell anyone, like not to destroy our property, but I don't even know what I need to spell out now.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but all of this over a piece of rope and some bamboo? I think it’s fantastic that your son is building amazing stuctures and she’s encouraging his creativity and imagination. I don’t see this as a lapse of judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but all of this over a piece of rope and some bamboo? I think it’s fantastic that your son is building amazing stuctures and she’s encouraging his creativity and imagination. I don’t see this as a lapse of judgement.

OP here. Grateful for your perspective. We _love_ that our son loves to build. Agreed, who cares about the cost of the rope, it's more the principle of taking our stuff and destroying it. The bamboo is a bigger issue because it's more permanent--yes, it will probably grow back eventually, but it looks really ridiculous right now. And I do have a problem with the dog-petting through the fence. MIL is a dog trainer and says that's a big no. Even good dogs sometimes bite through fences, car windows, crates, etc. But not surprised that our nanny (or many other people) wouldn't have thought of that, so I don't think that's the same kind of judgment issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry but all of this over a piece of rope and some bamboo? I think it’s fantastic that your son is building amazing stuctures and she’s encouraging his creativity and imagination. I don’t see this as a lapse of judgement.

Oh please. OP, your nanny has poor judgment. You need to tell her to ASK before using these items.

[Anonymous]

I agree that petting the neighbor’s dog through the fence could become a huge liability issue later down the road.

So try to be very clear on that.

You admit your son can be persuasive -
He likely begged + cajoled his Nanny to build a fort.
W/some kids, it is often easier to choose your battles & this really is something fun as well as creative for them to do.
She likely didn’t understand you completely due to the language barrier and didn’t understand that the new rope was off-limits.

Unless the rope is going to be extremely pricey to replace, I would let this current issue go.
Stress to her very clearly + concisely that in the future, you would appreciate it if she is granted permission first before using anything in the home, garage & backyard for recreational purposes.

Why not ask your son what he would like to have in order to build a really awesome fort next time.
Then take him along to the store and the two of you can select and purchase everything that he feels will make a cool fort.

Then when Nanny arrives, explain to her that in the future if there are any items that she + your son will need, to give you a list of items & you will get them for them vs. her just helping herself to things around the home.

Other than this issue (which I hope you can work out!), she seems like a fun and creative Nanny for your son.
She sounds engaging, energetic and very hands-on.....

Not the type to put your son in front of the television while she uses her phone all day.

[Anonymous]

I would be happy to have a nanny that loves building things with my kids. Yes she should have asked first, that totally makes sense. You already told her not to do it again, it's useless to tell her again unless you really want to upset her even more. It has nothing to do with safety so I'd let it go personally.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I hear what people are saying here, and I have had these conversations with myself. However, I've also had two kinds of nannies when it comes to supplies and things around the house: those that think that everything is up for grabs, and figure it can be replaced (food, art supplies, etc), and those who try to think about cost and reusing items.

I was MUCH happier with the nanny I could trust to spend $30 for lunch with the three kids and not $60, who would watch them using the stickers and glitter glue and paper, and not just let them use it all. I was annoyed with the nanny who had them leave all their playdough creations out to dry, rather than putting the playdough away, the one who regularly used an entire thing of glitter glue and construction paper in one day (a lot was thrown away), and the one who seemed to think the kitchen was up for grabs for her lunch, DCs' lunches, projects, whatever, and regularly left dishes to be washed.

With the one who actually showed concern for my money and my stuff, I was able to say, "Please, do what you want," and know that over four years of working together, the wasted money and destroyed household areas would be kept to a reasonable minimum. With the other two, I was constantly wondering what I was going to come home to, and what I might need to say something about that I hadn't considered.

I would try a reset conversation about asking before using anything not designated for the child, and then see what happens.

But, I commiserate, OP!

[Anonymous]

I'd come at this a little differently OP, given that you've had a good history with the nanny thus far. I'd talk to her and take this general approach:

"Jane, I'm realizing that as little Bobby is getting older and more adventurous we have to figure out how to support that, while also ensuring that you know what we are or are not comfortable with. I think we should line up some things that are ok for Bobby to use (and we'll talk with him about what we're putting aside) and then be clear about what is off limits. I am sure this would make your life easier and it will help us not worry too."

Then you and your husband figure out how to challenge/engage/stimulate your kid, how to be clear about what is off limits (within reason - don't obsess about every little thing), and set them both up for success.

So the bamboo that's been cut should be great fodder to play with for a while (by the way - bamboo is relentless - it will grow back in no time), put out cardboard, put out some old/dull/authorized tools for them to play with. Get some rope and twine they can use. Find an age appropriate book with instructions for building things. Give him a shovel and an area where he can dig. Find things you can provide and say yes to - which will make putting other things off limits much easier.

[Anonymous]

10:42 again.

Also, you could lock up things you don't want used and get him a little storage container to be his "shed" and a toolbox etc... Things that are clearly his to use, while putting stuff you don't want used in a less accessible location.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny and I think “don’t destroy things” is a pretty reasonable expectation!!!

It wiuld be one thing if she were taking a rope and using it, but these are both examples of how nanny is permanently changing your posessions without discussing it first. I agree that it should be common sense to ask before doing anything irreversible.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The suggestions for how to approach this situation constructively are really helpful. I will talk with her tomorrow with an attitude of "it's great you are helping him be creative." But then explain we have rules for this, especially since part of my concern is that she is letting him dictate things, which is not something we want to foster. I like the idea of special tools that he knows he is allowed to use. Sounds like it may be a bit of work on the front end for us, but would pay off. It's really hard to think of everything you need to set boundaries for, especially when you assume some of it is obvious to any reasonable adult!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The suggestions for how to approach this situation constructively are really helpful. I will talk with her tomorrow with an attitude of "it's great you are helping him be creative." But then explain we have rules for this, especially since part of my concern is that she is letting him dictate things, which is not something we want to foster. I like the idea of special tools that he knows he is allowed to use. Sounds like it may be a bit of work on the front end for us, but would pay off. It's really hard to think of everything you need to set boundaries for, especially when you assume some of it is obvious to any reasonable adult!

You shouldn’t have to, OP. Most nannies can work with your child’s creativity without destroying your things.

[Anonymous]

I agree about the bamboo and dog, but unless it was a fancy rope, I don’t see the issue. I am extremely cautious and it would never occur to me that we couldn’t use some rope. That seems ridiculous, unless it was clearly a fancy rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree about the bamboo and dog, but unless it was a fancy rope, I don’t see the issue. I am extremely cautious and it would never occur to me that we couldn’t use some rope. That seems ridiculous, unless it was clearly a fancy rope.

Twine is for cutting. A rope is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:42 again.

Also, you could lock up things you don't want used and get him a little storage container to be his "shed" and a toolbox etc... Things that are clearly his to use, while putting stuff you don't want used in a less accessible location.

Sure, she can lock up everything but the kid’s stuff and build an enclosure around her yard. Not inconvenient for her and DH at all! Or she can hire a nanny with some sense.