Kids like her but I don't

[Anonymous]

We have a perfectly nice au pair who has been with us for almost 2 months. She is sweet to the kids and they tell me they like her. But she doesn't seem able to take control when they get rowdy and/or start fighting. My kids are generally pretty well behaved but transitions can be challenging, e.g., getting them out the door in the morning, etc., and they do get in spats over toys/books/etc.. typically once or twice/day. I've given her tips on how to keep momentum going in the morning and how to handle it when they fight, but she doesn't seem able/willing to be more firm. I have told her that she has to nip fighting in the bud and I've given her examples of what to do, but she doesn't do it. This hasn't been an issue with our previous au pairs. Also, she is very inexperienced with household chores and I find myself having to remind her about how to load the dishwasher, which clothes belong to which kid, etc. Finally, she doesn't cook at all, eats dinner with us every night, and rarely goes out on the weekends. She is pretty quiet and I am getting a bit tired of having her around so much. I've encouraged her to reach out to other au pairs and go out but she seems to be a homebody. I've encouraged her to talk to me if she has any concerns or feels homesick, but she says she is happy. I've tried hard to be welcoming and encouraging but I'm starting to lose patience.

I'm feeling like it's going to be a long year. Maybe this boils down to a personality mismatch? WWYD?

[Anonymous]

She needs to find friends! Maybe involve the LCC?

[Anonymous]

Maybe with summer AP arrivals, she will have more “friends”, but she sounds like a homebody.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think I could deal with her being a homebody if she were more on the ball. We had a previous AP who didn’t go out much but she was so nice to be around, great with the kids and helpful around the house, so I enjoyed spending time with her. Current AP is trying (I think) but is really green and I think I didn’t screen her well enough (didn’t probe enough on her childcare experience, what she would do if kids misbehaved, etc.). Lesson learned for next time. Not feeling optimistic about her being able to improve/change. .

[Anonymous]

Dissatisfaction with AP childcare leads to unhappiness with AP being around all the time. I would recommend rematch.

[Anonymous]

As a host mom who stuck it out with a very similar situation, I’d recommend rematch. I wish I’d done it. Now it’s too late with a month left and it never got better.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others. OP, it sounds like in your gut you know it's not going to work/be a great year, but may be hesitant to go into rematch for a variety of valid reasons. I was in a similar situation, and the helpful folks on this board encouraged me to not wait and rematch--and I did (and was glad).

Contact the LCC right away and let them know what is going on. What's key here is documentation. Dealing with unhappy kids every morning is something you don't need.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PPs. Yes, I have a gut feeling this isn’t going to work. I will call my LCC. Thank you for the support.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP
2 month mark is exactly when you know if this is going to work out or not. I too recommend rematch. When you start dreading having her around, it’s a clear sign of mismatch (and you shouldn’t feel like this is your own home). We rematches at 8 weeks for personality once also.

Rematching can feel a bit awkward because she is not a dreadful or dangerous au pair, but ideally you can part amicably and be able to say something nice about her to prospective families.

[Anonymous]

Rematch...I suffered though a year of personality mismatch and I regretted it.

[Anonymous]

I am in your shoes OP. I only have 1.5 months left but it's been a long year. Homebody that can't really cook (grilled cheese and pasta but that's about it). Had to be told how to do stuff multiple times and didn't really do what I wanted her to do until maybe 6-7 months in. Now she will make the beds and put away the laundry, but before she would fold it and just leave it on top of the dresser, for example. She still doesn't bring in their backpacks in the afternoon so their ice packs can go back in the freezer and doesn't realize that they don't have cold packs the next day until it's too late. She doesn't bring in my sons kindle so every night my son and I have to search for it again, despite being asked multiple times.

It's tiring.

Was it worth rematching? Hard to say. My kids really like her because she likes what they do and she plays with them and she is immature like a kid. So I tolerated and grit my teeth but I am glad she is leaving soon. She doesn't take advice and I'm tired of wasting my efforts.

I am retrospective and can't see how I picked wrong, but hoping the next one isn't like this one.

[Anonymous]

It’s impossible to figure out the magic formula for picking an AP. Sometimes it’s just luck.
Kids often like the immature AP, mainly because they are child-like playmates, but it often doesn’t translate into competent, authoritative caregiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s impossible to figure out the magic formula for picking an AP. Sometimes it’s just luck.
Kids often like the immature AP, mainly because they are child-like playmates, but it often doesn’t translate into competent, authoritative caregiving.

No offense but maybe it's you. I'm in touch with Au pairs from one host family and it's always the same issue- hm that complains, screams, is picky. The Au pairs from that house fininshing their year having no relation with HP. This is happening year by year.

[Anonymous]

to PP-there's no reason your son can't plug in his own kindle or empty his own lunch box. just because you have an AP doesn't mean she should be your children's slave. teach them some responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in your shoes OP. I only have 1.5 months left but it's been a long year. Homebody that can't really cook (grilled cheese and pasta but that's about it). Had to be told how to do stuff multiple times and didn't really do what I wanted her to do until maybe 6-7 months in. Now she will make the beds and put away the laundry, but before she would fold it and just leave it on top of the dresser, for example. She still doesn't bring in their backpacks in the afternoon so their ice packs can go back in the freezer and doesn't realize that they don't have cold packs the next day until it's too late. She doesn't bring in my sons kindle so every night my son and I have to search for it again, despite being asked multiple times.

It's tiring.

Was it worth rematching? Hard to say. My kids really like her because she likes what they do and she plays with them and she is immature like a kid. So I tolerated and grit my teeth but I am glad she is leaving soon. She doesn't take advice and I'm tired of wasting my efforts.

I am retrospective and can't see how I picked wrong, but hoping the next one isn't like this one.

Your son is old enough for his own kindle but isn’t responsible for it? I understand the frustration with chores, but it sounds like at least one of your kids is old enough to be helping.