Difficulty with one Grandmother

[Anonymous]

I have been my two-year-old (26 months) charge's nanny since she was born. She has one very sensitive grandmother who says she wants a relationship with my charge but really doesn't put in the time or follow my charge's lead in play. She also insists on calling my charge by her formal name rather than her nickname. The end result is that when this grandmother comes over, my charge will not allow me to leave the room and will not play with the grandmother. The grandmother seems to blame me for this. She has looked at me and said things like, "Can I play with Larla now" and 'Isn't it my time to play with Larla?" Trust me - I would LOVE the break if my charge would play with her!!! When my charge demands me, the grandmother says things like, "Wow - she is so demanding!"

This is not the case with the other grandmother at all. My charge runs to her and asks to go to the other grandmother's house.

I am out of ideas as to what to do to get my charge to play with the unliked grandmother and I am sick of being blamed for it. My MB completely understands as her child does the same with her, so it is not an issue with me losing my job.

I am not willing to have a meltdown when grandmother comes over which is what happens if I leave my charge alone with her.

What do I do?

[Anonymous]

I would talk to MB and ask whether she would be confortable with you leaving the house while grandma has playtime with Larla. If grandma is a competent caregiver then giving her 45 minutes alone with a (freshly changed, recently fed, well-rested) grandchild every week will gradually build their relationship.

If that is not an option, I would look for ways to make grandma’s visits a special treat. Either by watching a movie together or playing with special toys you reserve only for her visits.

Another solution might be to meet on more neutral turf—a restaurant or indoor play space or paint-your-own pottery place, or museum, etc. so that there is less focus on grandma as the new element. At home everything is familiar but grandma. Go somewhere that grandma is only one of many new and interesting things for Larla to inteact with.

[Anonymous]

PS, I know tou said you are not willing to have a meltdown, but if Grandma is a safe and competent caregiver then there is no reason to think the meltdowns will last forever. If she comes over consistently and if you really leave (meaning leave the house, not leave the room), then it should gradually be just like drop-offs for preschool or with a babysitter. A few tears at the beginning and then they adjust. I would think that most nannies would have been on the other side of that kind of transition enough to know that kids are much MORE anxious when they are trying to make the adult stay than when the adult has already left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to MB and ask whether she would be confortable with you leaving the house while grandma has playtime with Larla. If grandma is a competent caregiver then giving her 45 minutes alone with a (freshly changed, recently fed, well-rested) grandchild every week will gradually build their relationship.

If that is not an option, I would look for ways to make grandma’s visits a special treat. Either by watching a movie together or playing with special toys you reserve only for her visits.

Another solution might be to meet on more neutral turf—a restaurant or indoor play space or paint-your-own pottery place, or museum, etc. so that there is less focus on grandma as the new element. At home everything is familiar but grandma. Go somewhere that grandma is only one of many new and interesting things for Larla to inteact with.

Thanks for the response.

No, I am not comfortable leaving my charge with her grandmother alone - no one is. Grandma is very forgetful.

My charge does do one class with her grandmother - I wait outside - and that is going fine. But the grandmother frequently cancels and this once a week class is not enough.

The idea about letting my charge watch cartoons/TV with Grandma is great - thank you. My charge gets no screen time with me and this would be a huge treat for her.

Thank you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS, I know tou said you are not willing to have a meltdown, but if Grandma is a safe and competent caregiver then there is no reason to think the meltdowns will last forever. If she comes over consistently and if you really leave (meaning leave the house, not leave the room), then it should gradually be just like drop-offs for preschool or with a babysitter. A few tears at the beginning and then they adjust. I would think that most nannies would have been on the other side of that kind of transition enough to know that kids are much MORE anxious when they are trying to make the adult stay than when the adult has already left.

Grandma is not a safe or competent babysitter. Also, I feel strongly that a secondary caregiver should not leave a child crying and screaming for nanny. I need my charges to trust that I will not leave them until they are ready (like her weekly class where I stay outside).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to MB and ask whether she would be confortable with you leaving the house while grandma has playtime with Larla. If grandma is a competent caregiver then giving her 45 minutes alone with a (freshly changed, recently fed, well-rested) grandchild every week will gradually build their relationship.

If that is not an option, I would look for ways to make grandma’s visits a special treat. Either by watching a movie together or playing with special toys you reserve only for her visits.

Another solution might be to meet on more neutral turf—a restaurant or indoor play space or paint-your-own pottery place, or museum, etc. so that there is less focus on grandma as the new element. At home everything is familiar but grandma. Go somewhere that grandma is only one of many new and interesting things for Larla to inteact with.

Thanks for the response.

No, I am not comfortable leaving my charge with her grandmother alone - no one is. Grandma is very forgetful.

My charge does do one class with her grandmother - I wait outside - and that is going fine. But the grandmother frequently cancels and this once a week class is not enough.

The idea about letting my charge watch cartoons/TV with Grandma is great - thank you. My charge gets no screen time with me and this would be a huge treat for her.

Thank you, PP.

I would talk to MB about the music class. If grandma is not consistent it is actually worse. If MB thinks it is a priority then she should talk to grandma about being consistent. If not then stay home and have intermittent grandma visits when they watch an episode of a special show and maybe have a special snack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been my two-year-old (26 months) charge's nanny since she was born. She has one very sensitive grandmother who says she wants a relationship with my charge but really doesn't put in the time or follow my charge's lead in play. She also insists on calling my charge by her formal name rather than her nickname. The end result is that when this grandmother comes over, my charge will not allow me to leave the room and will not play with the grandmother. The grandmother seems to blame me for this. She has looked at me and said things like, "Can I play with Larla now" and 'Isn't it my time to play with Larla?" Trust me - I would LOVE the break if my charge would play with her!!! When my charge demands me, the grandmother says things like, "Wow - she is so demanding!"

This is not the case with the other grandmother at all. My charge runs to her and asks to go to the other grandmother's house.

I am out of ideas as to what to do to get my charge to play with the unliked grandmother and I am sick of being blamed for it. My MB completely understands as her child does the same with her, so it is not an issue with me losing my job.

I am not willing to have a meltdown when grandmother comes over which is what happens if I leave my charge alone with her.

What do I do?

Man, I would nip that sh*t in the bud, OP. Do not allow her to talk to you like that! It is obvious that you are not doing anything to make your charge want to stay away from Granny and Granny is just saying those things to make herself feel better. Tell Granny the truth and do not put up with that kind of criticism.

[Anonymous]

This is a conversation you need to have with the parents. I think you have described it well here, without "bashing" the grandmother, and I think you could describe the dynamic sensitively to MB or DB.

The parents need to have a conversation with this grandmother about what she wants vs. what is going to actually happen, and then they need to tell you what was decided. If they do decide that the child should have more alone time with grandma, even if she doesn't want it, you will have to decide if you can facilitate that or not. If not, then you may have to leave. In the end, whatever they decide vis-a-vis grandma is what has to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a conversation you need to have with the parents. I think you have described it well here, without "bashing" the grandmother, and I think you could describe the dynamic sensitively to MB or DB.

The parents need to have a conversation with this grandmother about what she wants vs. what is going to actually happen, and then they need to tell you what was decided. If they do decide that the child should have more alone time with grandma, even if she doesn't want it, you will have to decide if you can facilitate that or not. If not, then you may have to leave. In the end, whatever they decide vis-a-vis grandma is what has to happen.

OP here. We have done this. MB and DB have done this with a therapist and Grandma. Both DB and MB know how I feel about leaving my charge is she is crying for me and support my decision to not leave her.

Grandma is mercurial and not consistent. She also tries to punish my charge with "Well Grandma is just going to leave if you won't play with her". While I want to keep the peace in the family, I also do not want to be blamed or have my two-year-old charge blamed for not playing with Grandma!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a conversation you need to have with the parents. I think you have described it well here, without "bashing" the grandmother, and I think you could describe the dynamic sensitively to MB or DB.

The parents need to have a conversation with this grandmother about what she wants vs. what is going to actually happen, and then they need to tell you what was decided. If they do decide that the child should have more alone time with grandma, even if she doesn't want it, you will have to decide if you can facilitate that or not. If not, then you may have to leave. In the end, whatever they decide vis-a-vis grandma is what has to happen.

OP here. We have done this. MB and DB have done this with a therapist and Grandma. Both DB and MB know how I feel about leaving my charge is she is crying for me and support my decision to not leave her.

Grandma is mercurial and not consistent. She also tries to punish my charge with "Well Grandma is just going to leave if you won't play with her". While I want to keep the peace in the family, I also do not want to be blamed or have my two-year-old charge blamed for not playing with Grandma!

If grandma is actively cruel, then you need to have another conversation with the parents where you determine acceptable responses to these kinds of statements. Can you end the encounter? Can you say something that would otherwise be rude ("Please don't say that to Larla. She is only 3, and is not trying to hurt your feelings." or, "Maybe it is best if you go if Larla's behavior is frustrating you so much." or, "How about all three of us play a game, since Larla seems to behaving trouble with the visit today." or, "Grandma, I'm sorry Larla doesn't want to play. She's not trying to hurt your feelings, and MB and DB are not going to make her play if she doesn't want to." And then weather the angry Grandma storm, by referring her to the parents if she has a complaint.

It sounds like you need more specific tools to deal with the actual moment in which this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a conversation you need to have with the parents. I think you have described it well here, without "bashing" the grandmother, and I think you could describe the dynamic sensitively to MB or DB.

The parents need to have a conversation with this grandmother about what she wants vs. what is going to actually happen, and then they need to tell you what was decided. If they do decide that the child should have more alone time with grandma, even if she doesn't want it, you will have to decide if you can facilitate that or not. If not, then you may have to leave. In the end, whatever they decide vis-a-vis grandma is what has to happen.

OP here. We have done this. MB and DB have done this with a therapist and Grandma. Both DB and MB know how I feel about leaving my charge is she is crying for me and support my decision to not leave her.

Grandma is mercurial and not consistent. She also tries to punish my charge with "Well Grandma is just going to leave if you won't play with her". While I want to keep the peace in the family, I also do not want to be blamed or have my two-year-old charge blamed for not playing with Grandma!

If grandma is actively cruel, then you need to have another conversation with the parents where you determine acceptable responses to these kinds of statements. Can you end the encounter? Can you say something that would otherwise be rude ("Please don't say that to Larla. She is only 3, and is not trying to hurt your feelings." or, "Maybe it is best if you go if Larla's behavior is frustrating you so much." or, "How about all three of us play a game, since Larla seems to behaving trouble with the visit today." or, "Grandma, I'm sorry Larla doesn't want to play. She's not trying to hurt your feelings, and MB and DB are not going to make her play if she doesn't want to." And then weather the angry Grandma storm, by referring her to the parents if she has a complaint.

It sounds like you need more specific tools to deal with the actual moment in which this is happening.

Thank you! These responses are perfect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a conversation you need to have with the parents. I think you have described it well here, without "bashing" the grandmother, and I think you could describe the dynamic sensitively to MB or DB.

The parents need to have a conversation with this grandmother about what she wants vs. what is going to actually happen, and then they need to tell you what was decided. If they do decide that the child should have more alone time with grandma, even if she doesn't want it, you will have to decide if you can facilitate that or not. If not, then you may have to leave. In the end, whatever they decide vis-a-vis grandma is what has to happen.

OP here. We have done this. MB and DB have done this with a therapist and Grandma. Both DB and MB know how I feel about leaving my charge is she is crying for me and support my decision to not leave her.

Grandma is mercurial and not consistent. She also tries to punish my charge with "Well Grandma is just going to leave if you won't play with her". While I want to keep the peace in the family, I also do not want to be blamed or have my two-year-old charge blamed for not playing with Grandma!

If grandma is actively cruel, then you need to have another conversation with the parents where you determine acceptable responses to these kinds of statements. Can you end the encounter? Can you say something that would otherwise be rude ("Please don't say that to Larla. She is only 3, and is not trying to hurt your feelings." or, "Maybe it is best if you go if Larla's behavior is frustrating you so much." or, "How about all three of us play a game, since Larla seems to behaving trouble with the visit today." or, "Grandma, I'm sorry Larla doesn't want to play. She's not trying to hurt your feelings, and MB and DB are not going to make her play if she doesn't want to." And then weather the angry Grandma storm, by referring her to the parents if she has a complaint.

It sounds like you need more specific tools to deal with the actual moment in which this is happening.

Thank you! These responses are perfect!

Good! If you have a partner, you could try role-playing to come up with responses that fit better. It's always easier to have some ready to go than it is to come up with one in the (very stressful) moment.

[Anonymous]

Why does Grandma need to come over while you are there?
I think I would ask the parents to put an end to the daytime visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does Grandma need to come over while you are there?
I think I would ask the parents to put an end to the daytime visits.

It happens when my employers take the child away for the weekend - otherwise Grandma sees my charge at the one class and weekends. The problem is that my employers take her out of town on weekends a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the responses! Very helpful!