Do you ever feel completely exhausted...

[Anonymous]

even from your awesome AP??

Just venting really... she is nice, great with the kids, decent roommate, etc...I am just so tired of interacting so much on a daily basis with another human All the questions, problems, advice, planning of her personal life, future goals, etc. Is it just me?!?!? In our 4th year hosting and just TIRED.

[Anonymous]

Is there some part of hosting that is really fun for you? Maybe weigh out what you enjoy vs what you don't and the overall benefit to your family. That might help you feel less burdened by the experience, or you may decide it's not worth the hassle.

[Anonymous]

Yes. To the point I wanted to leave the program. Our kids are bilingual, though, and we're trying to support that as much as possible. So, DH and I set some boundaries -- like no more vacations with AP, a long weekend trip every season, and letting AP know in the handbook that if we're in the reading room we're probably working, not open to chatting over a cup of tea. Especially this last made me feel like I don't have to hide out in my bedroom after dinner anymore. The other things mean that I know when I'll periodically get a little down time to recharge.
I once lived a year with a family that had been hosting for 15 years, and I saw how they set boundaries and routines to make sure that they got the family time they needed but could still be great host parents. When I joined the program, I was all like "of course we want you to be part of the family. We invite you to everything .... and then when AP could cherry pick what she wanted to do but I never knew when it was going to be just me and the kids, I felt like I was "on" all the time and miserable. Having limits makes us a much better host family.

[Anonymous]

The key is to setting boundaries, otherwise most of us feel burned out even after a great year. The times when I've had a couple of months in between APs have helped tremendously- I got my home life back, and I enjoyed a little down-time before welcoming a new AP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone! Great advice. Yes, we are also trying to support the bilingual experience in addition to consistent childcare after school. I know these are huge benefits of the program. But yes, I just feel maxed on the constant interaction. And even the best APs' ability to stay on task with kids and house stuff related to the kids the minute I step through the door, yet she is still on shift. There are some days when I am dying to work from home, but I know that she will be constantly talking to me. This morning I just wanted a few minutes of peace to drink a cup of coffee and chat with my 7 year old, but she comes in the kitchen to ask my about NYC travel questions. Like some of you we have started to set some boundaries with family vacations and I think this will help. We have a big spring trip planned and we are not taking AP. I am desperate for some family time and "AP as a member of the family" tends to be mostly a one way street, even with the best.
Thanks again for the concrete suggestions...an not trolls or snark...yet!

[Anonymous]

This is why I took a break from the program. Constantly being “on” is emotionally taxing. I didn’t even take sick days because being home required so much energy that it was easier to go to work sick than to stay home sick.

[Anonymous]

I'm only in my second year of hosting but often feel the same way. Even as an extrovert, after a long day of work, getting kids to activities and trying to make it through the bedtime rush, I have little energy left for interacting with another person. Agree with others that more boundaries for nuclear family time is useful - especially on weekends. My AP also does tend to bring up small trivial matters RIGHT when we are trying to get kids out the door or toddler is having meltdown. A bit strange to me, but I guess she's around them all day so there is never a really good quiet time to connect. I do ask her to bring issues to weekly check-in meetings, or email me with more indepth questions that I can respond to by email while at work. Our AP is a super homebody and is around all the time, so I think it's important to keep things balanced so we can stay in the program successfully.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I left the program after year 3. Our APs were great, but it wasnt worth it. I'm very happy now and childcare coast are less expensive now, less hassle, and just as consistent.

[Anonymous]

Yes.
My AP isn't awesome..she's meh.

Still exhausting. Maybe more so than an awesome one.

She is a homebody and seems to want to interact with me when I get home when all I want to do is decompress, rest or be alone. I am tired from doing all the things she forgets or doesn't do....and tired from reminding her. She doesn't do some things like I would do, so I re-do them.

I am more and more leaning towards not renewing next summer.

[Anonymous]

Do you think that Au pairs don't see that you don't enjoy their company? It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, I don't think she sees that I am exhausted. This is why I am exhausted. I am always rising to the occasional to put on my best happy, engaging, "make the AP feel like family" face, even when I so desire a break from her needs, desires, goals, and dreams on a daily basis. She is a wonderful person. But, at 9pm on a Tuesday and 7:00am on a Sat, I just want to talk to my kids, husband, or just not talk. And I really don't want to plan her social events, restaurant recommendations, etc at those times. Alas, its part of the gig, so I do it. I was simply venting my periodic exhaustion.

PS She also spends a ton of time at the house, so this adds to her need to interact with me so often. I was also quite independent at 22 years old and discussed these types of things with my friends (I moved several times as a young adult including overseas). So, I think I have also been quite surprised by the amount of interaction these young women need to have with my 43 year old self.

[Anonymous]

Her actions might be the a result of how you described "Au pair -family member" in house guidebook. For how long do you think you will handle keeping your positive attitude? What is the role of your spouse to the Au pair? Try to be less available. Calling Au pair 'member of a family' is a requirement made by agency to keep her morale high, to attract candidates and so the kids wouldnt be afraid of foreign woman in a house.

[Anonymous]

I had to bump this post. I'm truly exhausted, and my body is starting to feel the toll of constantly being on and stressed over what else to I need to address before the day has ended.

We're in year 4. Our first 2 au pairs (1 extended) were super independent. Which was good - and not so good. Good in that when they were done working, I could come home have a few moments with my kids alone, and then be able to unwind after I put them down for bed. Not so good, in the case of 1 of them, that when we had big family events, and had them there, they seemed to feel so awkward and not comfortable - despite our regular talks, and time spent together when working.

Our new au pair needs a lot of attention, and I'm hoping it will fade. But, I'm concerned that despite me being really clear about needing quiet time after work - or needing one on one time with the kids, she still interrupts that. She's even turned down plans with new friends, so she can stay home and watch a movie with us. And this is after multiple snow days at home, us all together, watching movie after movie. I need a break to recharge, and to be rested enough to there for her, my kids, and my coworkers. I've been so drained, and in horrible mood all week because I haven't had a minute alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I took a break from the program. Constantly being “on” is emotionally taxing. I didn’t even take sick days because being home required so much energy that it was easier to go to work sick than to stay home sick.

me too. I also have been working later to avoid unnecessary interaction.
Work and kids exhaust me enough without playing travel agent/tour guide to a foreigner.
but I keep sucking it up because it's so hard to find split day childcare for 4 kids

I TOTALLY understand that most people I talk to say, "oh, I could never have a stranger live in my house" Yep-it's not for everybody.

[Anonymous]

Are there some creative ways to maybe find more quiet time and time apart? Such as:
-Wear a headset and pretend like you're on a conference call
-Wear a headset and pretend like you're listening to music
-Play some music on tv or on Alexa so everyone will listen more than talk
-Turn on the tv so she watches
-Make an appointment for AP to go get a manicure/pedicure along with a gift card
-Give her a gift card to go to the movies
-Pay and book her a room at a hotel in DC for the weekend as a treat
-Simply say, "I'm in a bad mood this morning/I didn't sleep well last night/I have a lot on my mind. Mind if we don't talk until l have my coffee?"
-Distract her with small tasks. Ask her to make a grocery list, get online and research upcoming kids' events in the area, google new restaurants in the area, find upcoming library events for the kids, research hotel prices, tell her to google places she wants to travel and see if she can find deals online, etc. Small things to keep her occupied.