Love our nanny so much that sometimes I ignore certain things

[Anonymous]

We've been working with her for about 8 months. DD loves her, we love her. I feel like she came in and saved us when we first hired her-DD was 8 months old and not on any kind of schedule (still waking 6-8 times/night). The nanny got DD on an eating and sleeping schedule and got her sleeping through the night. I remember when the nanny would show up in the beginning I would think "the calvary has arrived!". We just had no idea what we were doing and she literally saved us.

But there's a few things she does that bug me but I try to let them go because the dynamic in our relationship is more like she's teaching us as much as she's caring for DD. I'm afraid if I start getting on her, the dynamic shift and she won't be as happy.

Examples:
-she takes DD out and doesn't necessarily give me the play by play about where they are going. Usually they go to her house for lunch, which is only blocks away. DD loves this because nanny lives with her elderly mom, who has become an unofficial grandma to DD. This is great. But then after lunch I think they visit different friends of hers that live in the area but I haven't met them. I just feel a little nervous and asked her to let me know where they are but she kinda just doesn't and I don't make a big deal of it.

-she lets DD call her mama and doesn't correct her

-she bought DD a Halloween costume. I kinda don't like it but now I feel bound to it. I wanted to choose her costume

I want to keep our nanny happy and I think freedom is one of the most valued features in nanny jobs. But sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being too passive?

[Anonymous]

You can still direct your nanny to things you want or need for Your child. Simply talk to her and ask about the friends stuff. Tell nanny that it hurts your feelings when DD calls her Mama and please correct her. Just buy your DD a Halloween costume. On that one nanny probably got her one thinking it was part of her job.

I am a nanny who loves my charge and my employers, and would not be at all offended or put off by any of the above. My MB is extremely busy and crams a full time job into four days a week to be with her child. I take care of all ordering and shopping for my charge and might have made the Halloween mistake that your nanny did thinking that MB would forget.

[Anonymous]

Your nanny sounds really unprofessional and actually not very good at her job. I don't visit with my friends and family while I'm on the clock- We got to classes, the park and have play dates with age appropriate children. I would never in a million years think about overstepping and buying the kid's Halloween costume and I've been with my nanny family 8 years. Allowing your child to call her mama is unacceptable.

Your nanny has no boundaries and is not professional. She does not respect your role as the parent and hers as the supportive help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny sounds really unprofessional and actually not very good at her job. I don't visit with my friends and family while I'm on the clock- We got to classes, the park and have play dates with age appropriate children. I would never in a million years think about overstepping and buying the kid's Halloween costume and I've been with my nanny family 8 years. Allowing your child to call her mama is unacceptable.

Your nanny has no boundaries and is not professional. She does not respect your role as the parent and hers as the supportive help.

Op here. The visiting the nanny's mom really is something DD enjoys, and the mom is sweet. I think their house is more fun than ours (they have backyard chickens and a pet pig and bunnies, too). They also speak Spanish and DD gets exposure this way not just from the nanny but from hearing native speakers talk to each other and to her. I've been to their home many times and have met everyone who lives there.

It's more them going places that I don't know that worries me. When I talk about the nanny visiting friends, I should mention the friends have kids so I guess I think of it as a play date, although DD is a little young for that.

Our nanny is a recent (and completely legal) immigrant and I think some of this is cultural, maybe? And also I think me and DH view her more as an authority figure than we see ourselves as her "bosses". We are both not into controlling or supervising someone else.

Nanny and DD are usually in my home all morning, then leave around 12:30 and return at 5. It's the 2 pm-5 pm timeframe that worries me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can still direct your nanny to things you want or need for Your child. Simply talk to her and ask about the friends stuff. Tell nanny that it hurts your feelings when DD calls her Mama and please correct her. Just buy your DD a Halloween costume. On that one nanny probably got her one thinking it was part of her job.

I am a nanny who loves my charge and my employers, and would not be at all offended or put off by any of the above. My MB is extremely busy and crams a full time job into four days a week to be with her child. I take care of all ordering and shopping for my charge and might have made the Halloween mistake that your nanny did thinking that MB would forget.

Op here. I will try this. I'm terrible at these sorts of conversations but I know there really is no other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can still direct your nanny to things you want or need for Your child. Simply talk to her and ask about the friends stuff. Tell nanny that it hurts your feelings when DD calls her Mama and please correct her. Just buy your DD a Halloween costume. On that one nanny probably got her one thinking it was part of her job.

I am a nanny who loves my charge and my employers, and would not be at all offended or put off by any of the above. My MB is extremely busy and crams a full time job into four days a week to be with her child. I take care of all ordering and shopping for my charge and might have made the Halloween mistake that your nanny did thinking that MB would forget.

Op here. I will try this. I'm terrible at these sorts of conversations but I know there really is no other way.

When you hire someone, you become an employer. Act like you would like your boss to act if he or she needs to speak to you, and don't let things go on forever -- that's when resentment brews, or you fire her because you're still to nervous to just have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your nanny sounds really unprofessional and actually not very good at her job. I don't visit with my friends and family while I'm on the clock- We got to classes, the park and have play dates with age appropriate children. I would never in a million years think about overstepping and buying the kid's Halloween costume and I've been with my nanny family 8 years. Allowing your child to call her mama is unacceptable.

Your nanny has no boundaries and is not professional. She does not respect your role as the parent and hers as the supportive help.

Op here. The visiting the nanny's mom really is something DD enjoys, and the mom is sweet. I think their house is more fun than ours (they have backyard chickens and a pet pig and bunnies, too). They also speak Spanish and DD gets exposure this way not just from the nanny but from hearing native speakers talk to each other and to her. I've been to their home many times and have met everyone who lives there.

It's more them going places that I don't know that worries me. When I talk about the nanny visiting friends, I should mention the friends have kids so I guess I think of it as a play date, although DD is a little young for that.

Our nanny is a recent (and completely legal) immigrant and I think some of this is cultural, maybe? And also I think me and DH view her more as an authority figure than we see ourselves as her "bosses". We are both not into controlling or supervising someone else.

Nanny and DD are usually in my home all morning, then leave around 12:30 and return at 5. It's the 2 pm-5 pm timeframe that worries me.

I would ask who else she is visiting for one. You need to know where they are going for safety reasons. You don't know what's at these people's houses. Your kid will be walking soon if not already and needs time outside, or in a childproof space to explore and. It in a stroller etc. Pretty soon your dd will be on a nap schedule and his is most not possible to be out that much. Unless it's ok with your kid napping in a stroller and not her bed. My dd had two wonderful naps before 14 months and now naps 1-3 and there's no way I would be ok with them being out for that.

[Anonymous]

The nanny doesn’t seem to understand that she is being paid to watch the child, not to hang out with her friends all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nanny doesn’t seem to understand that she is being paid to watch the child, not to hang out with her friends all day.

Op here. Does it really seem that bad? Is this really outside the norm for what nannies are allowed to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nanny doesn’t seem to understand that she is being paid to watch the child, not to hang out with her friends all day.

Op here. Does it really seem that bad? Is this really outside the norm for what nannies are allowed to do?

NP MB here: YES, it is outside the norm. She should be focusing on your child, talking with her, singing with her, playing with her, thinking of what new things to teach her, etc. Visiting a friend once every few weeks might be fine if I know the friend and pre-approve but your nanny seems to think she *is* the mother. You have to talk to her and assert yourself for your child's sake.

[Anonymous]

You are the mom/employer, not the nanny's charge. Whatever great qualities she may have, she does seem to have overstepped.

As stated above, it's important to know where your child is and with whom. The child calling the nanny mama should be corrected by the nanny.

[Anonymous]

I would kindly ask her to correct your daughter each time that she calls her “MaMa.”
It’s not like you should have to explain why.
It just is the right thing to do.

And as the parent, you have the right to know where your child is at ALL times!
She should be sending you a text or at the very least telling you in the morning what her plans are.

You can ask her for these things w/out disrupting your good dynamic if you speak to your Nanny w/a diplomatic tone.

Do not let these things fester or the dynamic will change in a bad way.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nanny doesn’t seem to understand that she is being paid to watch the child, not to hang out with her friends all day.

Op here. Does it really seem that bad? Is this really outside the norm for what nannies are allowed to do?

Nanny here and YES, this is unusual. The stuff you are praising (“She got my baby on a schedule and introduced solids!”) is all just baseline infant nanny. ANY halfway decent nanny looks like an expert compared to cluesless first time parents. You nanny sounds very unprofessional. A great nanny would know how to manage an infant AND how to structure their day around age-appropriate activities for baby AND how to facilitate the parent-child bond. Is she perhaps being paid on the low end and this is all you can afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would kindly ask her to correct your daughter each time that she calls her “MaMa.”
It’s not like you should have to explain why.
It just is the right thing to do.

And as the parent, you have the right to know where your child is at ALL times!
She should be sending you a text or at the very least telling you in the morning what her plans are.

You can ask her for these things w/out disrupting your good dynamic if you speak to your Nanny w/a diplomatic tone.

Do not let these things fester or the dynamic will change in a bad way.

Good luck.

Op here. I really didn't realize. We live in the Midwest and nannies are not the norm here. I'm planning to talk to her today. Any tips on how to handle this conversation in the best possible way?

I know that I have allowed some things to slide that I should not have, but I really believe our nanny is good overall. It's my fault for not setting limits and being too passive. She is constantly engaging with DD, teaching her songs, dancing, words, etc. The nanny is constantly making foods for DD on her own time and dime and brings them to work because she's convinced they will help DD gain weight, feel better if she's sick, etc. The nanny has included her own family (nanny's mom, aunt, and teenage children) when she's taking care of DD at times, but I really think that's been nice for DD since me and DH have no family. Example-sometimes when nanny is taking care of DD, nanny's mom and 20something daughter tag along to the zoo or park. DD loves all of them. So I know it sounds unprofessional but when it's happening it seems fun for DD.

The biggest issue for me right now is just needing to know where they are in the later afternoon. And I would prefer they limit their time with nanny's friends (even if the friends also have little kids) because DD is only 16 months now and I think too young for play dates.

[Anonymous]

16 months is not too young for playdates but you should certainly know where your child is at all times and get to approve of where they are going. Our nanny is amazing about keeping DD, now 22 months, engaged and socialized but I always know exactly where she is and know all of her playdate/playgroup friends. Are there any classes that nanny could take your daughter to?

She sounds like a loving and good nanny, btw, but not knowing the people your baby is with or where she is is simply not acceptable.