MIL and my mother are very jealous of Nanny
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Anonymous
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It has really gotten bad.
DD is now nearly two-years-old and has had the same nanny since she was born. Nanny tries to take a backseat when either my mother or MIL are visiting DD but DD wants to be with her nanny. It doesn't help that Nanny is older and sort of looks like DD so everyone assumes she is DD's grandmother! Both MIL and Mother make snide comments about her nanny, ("If Nanny had her own children she wouldn't be so attached to Larla", "Nanny makes it worse by holding DD so much", etc). I am at my wits end with both my mother and my mother-in-law. The other day my mother walked in and didn't even respond when Nanny said "Hi" to her. Clearly this is something I don't want to discuss with the nanny. What can I say to my M and MIL to make them show Nanny respect and stop with the crap comments? |
Anonymous
They wouldn't resent the nanny if they had proper one to one time with your DD  You should arrange for both grandmas to spend more quality time with her, maybe on weekends?
Or even on the nanny's time if the grandmas don't work and can make it. These "crap" comments only reflect the fact they wish they'd spend more time with their grand daughter
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Anonymous
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MB here.
If grandma is there, don't have nanny on that day. Grandma can babysit. If Grandma declines to be the sole babysitter and is uncomfortable being on her own with toddler, then apparently Nanny is very important and valuable and I would straight out tell my mother that. And curtly say that you want no more negative comments about nanny |
Anonymous
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I think you SHOULD acknowledge it with the nanny. Let her know you're on Team Nanny and the rudeness is not acceptable to you and you've spoken/will speak with the grandmas.
Then tell them they're too old to be jealous, Nanny is with Baby EVERY day so of COURSE Baby is more attached, and they need to chill out. |
Anonymous
OP here. Neither are available to take over for the nanny ( nor would I trust one of them) and weekends are DH and my time with our child. No, abs, I will not sacrifice my time. |
Anonymous
This OP. Your nanny can certainly feel their attitude so let her know you have her back on this. Then tell the grandmothers very directly that they will not be allowed to visit your child while the nanny is on duty. Period. We dealt with very similar issues and had to be quite direct that the nanny was/is in charge and she is the authority. We have grandparents that come and stay with us but then they leave. The continuity, consistency and routine for our kids trumps the grandparent's wishes. |
Anonymous
| This is ridiculous. They should be grateful there is a loving person in their granddaughter' life. OP please give this lady time off when your folks are in town. It's your family and you are making it worse by not trusting them or asking them to make time to stay with their own granddaughter. The jealousy and disrespectfulness will continue, trust me. |
Anonymous
| Your mother and MIL should be happy that you have a loving nanny and know that their grandchild is in good hands!! They need to get over it |
Anonymous
That's the issue then. Do you trust them with your dd for a couple hours? My mom and mil come over at 4 and take over from the nanny until I get home at 5:30 once a week each. That has really helped them be confident in caring for dd and for her to have a relationship with them. We do also see them on weekends all together but that's so becaue we are all close. But the weekday times have helped a lot. Dd used to cry when nanny left and now happily goes with either grandma and waves bye to the nanny (20 months old). Of dd only sees ten sparingly she won't have a relationship with them and not feel comfortable with them and prefer he nanny no matter what at this age. I do sacrifice some weekend time but I do it because I want dd to know and love her grandparents and to give them this too. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother lasting until she passed when I was just out of college. We wrote letters and talked on the phone when my family moved further away. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+2 Also, I don't think it's fair to leave the nanny to deal with overbearing grandmas during the week so that you and DH can have your time, free of grandmas, on the weekend. Believe me, I GET IT! My MIL is tough to be around and I have to bite my tongue about 70% of the time we are all together. I also feel like her weekend visits encroach on time the limited time that I have with my DD, and that really sucks. I wish I could just have her come during the week so she can get QT with DD without me around, but she is not in physical shape to take care of a mobile baby alone. DH has suggested having her come with the nanny still there. However, to me, putting "grandma babysitting" duty on my nanny's plate does not seem fair to me either. She is a respected and trusted partner in caring for my child, period. It's not her job to deal with my husband's mom; it's her job to deal with DD. I would worry that putting her in a position where she is playing hostess to grandma would be taking advantage of her. |
Anonymous
| Nanny here. My current NPs tell me constantly that they love and appreciate me. The parents are lovely. They pay well and are considerate employers. I am wild about their children. And I am seriously considering quitting because of the grandparents. They aren’t even as bad as you describe, just nitpicky and critical and negative. |
Anonymous
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Nanny here. I have had experiences on both sides of the coin. I had one family that made it clear from the get go to grandparents and nanny (in each others presence) in a respectful but firm manner that I as nanny is the consistent adult in the children's daily lives when parents are at work thus apart from being experienced, the parents trust me, my interactions with the children and ability to take care of them and follow through with their routines and also the parents were aware of the fact that multiple adults on one day can be chaotic depending on the grandparent's vibes towards a nanny and how secure they feel with the grandchildren. Usually if grandparents or family was visiting, I was given time off- I'm guessing to create that space for them and grandchildren which works. And when grandparents visited while I was on duty, which wasn't often, either I was asked to leave early if they wanted to spend time with the children, or if they stuck around (which I didn't mind because I appreciated and noticed the fact that they also respected my presence as much as I respected theirs..I'd interact with them with the kids too) they would interact with the children briefly and still give me space to carry on the day as smoothly as possible eg they'd tell the kids "Okay now, its time to have lunch/nap with (my name)..we'll see you later.."-they'd give space & go on about their own things eg go to the library, mall, go for a walk etc and come back to take over. I found that this balance and open communication worked well for both sides but the common denominator is parents showing grandparents that they trust the nanny and her role and not using grandparents to hawk or micromanage the nanny.
I experienced another family with a similar situation as OP except I was the nanny.... it wasn't clear to me whether parents just didn't know how/afraid to communicate to grandparents about nanny's role, if they did not trust nanny and used grandparents to micromanage the nanny or if they just were not aware of the importance of clearing up boundaries and respect for both parties (nanny & grandparents) and making it known that nanny can only have one person to directly answer to (parents)....it was very unclear and became very overwhelming, frustrating and draining as a nanny to constantly feel undermined, side jabbed or unappreciated for doing your job. So parents, first know that your nanny sees you as in the situation may be experiencing a huge dilemma which is not good for her or the child...she wants to give grandparents the respect the deserve while still doing her job and balancing her responsibility to answer to you as the boss and then battle the side jabs/disrespect from grandparents which be assured she notices but may not know how to bring it up to you... Its difficult to bounce between 2 or even 3 bosses (eg multiple adults trying to micromanage or suggest conflicting things in addition to what you want) which is likely to happen when grandparents/family members do not know the kids routine or understand how to give nanny the space to do her job. The best thing to do if you love and trust your nanny and want her to stick around, show her that you have her back by communicating that with both her and the grandparents to address the problem vs not saying anything which may come off to grandparents as though you endorse it. Then as suggested by PPs ensure that grandparents are getting private time with the children without the nanny around. Ensure that both parties understand that mutual respect is important to you for the sake of your child/children. Hope this helps, best of luck! |
Anonymous
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Well the thing is is they're prob jealous of the nanny as she gets time with them and they don't. Its easier for them to blame her than face the fact that their own children don't want them around at wkends. How often do they end up coming round when nanny is there? You risk losing your nanny over this as if they came frequently and were so obviously rude then I wouldn't stay.
You need to apologise to your nanny. She will have picked up on their resentment. And the fact you've said nothing or done nothing about it will make her think you're ok with it. Then you need to sit down with your mil and mother and say to them that you're happy for them to come round but they must be polite to the nanny otherwise they cant come any more.(since they choose to be rude to nanny and you don't want them around at wkends) |