Who disciplines when both parent and nanny are home?

[Anonymous]

The eldest boy I just started working with (age 5 1/2) displays lots of defiant behavior, still has tantrums (which can easily escalate to him hitting, kicking, scratching and biting), and often talks very disrespectfully.

DB is occasionally home, and sometimes when we are all in the kitchen together and I am interacting with the child it can escalate to the child being very rude to me. For example, if I have to tell him he can't have what he wants...just today he said to me right in front of the father "If you don't give me what then I'm going to be bad forever." And more disrespectful talk.

Since dad is right there, I usually back down and expect him to step in. He never does. He doesn't say anything to the boy and pretends it didn't happen, which makes me uncertain if I should step up either. I feel like he is expecting me to correct him, but I don't feel that is appropriate when a parent is right there. Who should correct the child in these situations - nanny or dad?

[Anonymous]

The key to me is that you just started working there. The time is ripe for clarification!

I told my nanny when we hired her that when she's there, she's in charge (I'm here most of the time). DB probably feels the same, but that's easy to clarify.

Just be straight-forward about feeling awkward, and wanting to make sure you're not stepping on toes. I'd say something like, "Since I'm on the clock, I'm going to assume it's up to me to address the behavior unless you'd rather I leave it to you."

[Anonymous]

I discipline/correct my charges whether their parents are in the room or not. I am a believer in consistency and it works. I would never let anyone much less a charge give me "lip" no matter if the Pope was in the room!

[Anonymous]

You need to correct the behavior. Child is doing it because he can get away with it. Dad should correct but will not.

[Anonymous]

"Nanny as parent" phenomenon. It's horribly confusing for your child. This why parents really should not be hanging around after the nanny is supposed to take over, but most of them have no clue.

[Anonymous]

With all of my families where there has been significant overlap between their time and my time, I have had a direct conversation about their desires and expectations. Some parents want to be the boss any time they are in the room. I much prefer those who allow me to discipline as usual (and back me up if needed) because it is easier for the kids to get it.

[Anonymous]

Just do it! I'd be interested in learning your techniques and reinforcing it. You might be teaching dad a useful skill.

[Anonymous]

I think your Dad Boss had an obligation to say something to his son at that moment as well as force him to apologize to you immediately.

I find it odd that he just stood in silence.
I would be mortified if my child ever spoke in such a manner.

Perhaps that explains his behavior issue.
No discipline from any other authority aside from you.

I would have first given the parent an opportunity to say something to their child.
If they didn't, then I would say something myself.

I would also later on ask the parent how they typically handle situations where their child is disrespectful.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

MB here. Earlier pp is right - it's time to talk w/ your employers about how they view these moments.

That said, I think both adults can/should discipline and the scenario you describe is a perfect opportunity to back each other up and make sure the child knows that the expectations are the same no matter who is there.

In our house we typically let the nanny be the one "in charge" whenever she's on the clock. But if I or my husband see a child not listening to her, or not behaving in a way that he or she knows they should, or being disrespectful to the nanny, etc... then we back the nanny up. When our nanny was new we stepped in sooner, because it gave her a chance to see how we handled things, but now all three of us approach things similarly.

[Anonymous]

I will not take a position in which I am only allowed to interact with or discipline within certain hours. However I live in, and it's too confusing to kids otherwise. I tried one trial for which I wasn't supposed to discipline kids outside of on duty hours, and the kids were atrocious if I saw them at other times. No more.

[Anonymous]

Nanny

-MB