Lost trust in nanny

[Anonymous]

DD's nanny has been with us for three months. Nanny is with us on a weeklong trip to my hometown. She doesn't know my hometown so I tell her every day where she should take DD. She watched DD from 8 to 11:30 this morning and I asked her to take DD to the local park/playground. I was going to stay home, but popped out to the dollar store. I saw them come in to the dollar store a little after 11, didn't say hello (didn't want to make DD fussy) but nanny might have seen me. When I got back home, I asked what they had been up to and nanny replied that they had been at the park until 9 (so about 45 minutes), then at this plaza for a little over two hours because "it got hot".

This is unsettling in multiple ways. First, nanny always (or so I believed) texts me to tell me where she and DD are, at least for any significant amount of time. She didn't today. Second, we're out of town. She doesn't know the area and it's not okay for her to decide on her own to take DD someplace I never suggested, especially someplace random like this plaza. Third, this plaza is not a suitable place to hang out with a two year old other than to eat; it's a large parking lot bordered by a few restaurants and this one store.

My gut tells me that nanny didn't plan to tell me about their plaza outing because then she would have texted me about it. Either she saw me or my car (which was parked by the store entrance) or when she saw I wasn't home, she got nervous and thought I might have seen her. My guess is nanny went to the plaza to enjoy a cup of coffee, which is fine for 30 minutes, not two hours! BTW I don't buy the "we left the park because it was too hot" story. It was in the low 70s at 9 a.m. I asked nanny to take DD to the same park/playground yesterday afternoon when it was in the low/mid 80s. Was it not too hot then?? Did she maybe take DD somewhere else then, too, and I don't know about it??

My bigger fear is what else does she keep from me? I know she's the kind of person to tell me half-truths, but they were always for little things like why she didn't feed DD any veggies for dinner. These bothered me, too, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't do something big against my wishes. I could chalk up her taking DD to the plaza for two hours as bad judgment, but the fact she didn't text me tells me she meant to keep it from me, which means she knew it was wrong.

She's supposed to leave us in a couple months (give or take) as this was always meant to be a temporary stint. But even two (or possibly more) months feel long when you've lost trust in someone caring for your young child with limited verbal skills. I have a sense of what to do, but would like to hear what others think.

[Anonymous]

Seems you need to let her go. I'm almost afraid to ask, did you find her on care.com or something like that?

[Anonymous]

Yes, care.com

[Anonymous]

Care.com is a listing board and nothing else. If you hired a bad nanny - that is on you, OP, and not the listing site where you found her.

If your agreement and instructions are to tell you where your child is at all times then you are right and it is time to let this nanny go. If not, then it is time to put that explicit instruction into place.

[Anonymous]

This is OP and of course, I checked her references as I always do and they were solid. I did instruct her in the beginning that she was to update me about their whereabouts and from my perspective, she has always kept me apprised. If it were a 30 minute stop, I would still be surprised because we are in a a place unfamiliar to her but would find it reasonable and not expect a text from her, but they were there for over two hours.

I plan to find her replacement and in the meantime, remind her she needs to keep me posted about where they go once we're back home. I don't know if I should address the current situation and how, however. It's a pretty big deal and it seems wrong to me to let it fly under the radar by not saying anything, but bringing it up won't necessarily make things better.

[Anonymous]

So basically you asked the nanny where she was and she told you. Did you have a specific rule that she wasn't to go anywhere unauthorized? Unless this is the case, I fail to see what is wrong with what happened. Your conjecture that she wouldn't have told you unless you asked is irrelevant.
OP, you are fishing for something to be wrong when, in fact, nothing is. Let it go or stay home with your own kid because you will never truly be able to trust anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically you asked the nanny where she was and she told you. Did you have a specific rule that she wasn't to go anywhere unauthorized? Unless this is the case, I fail to see what is wrong with what happened. Your conjecture that she wouldn't have told you unless you asked is irrelevant.
OP, you are fishing for something to be wrong when, in fact, nothing is. Let it go or stay home with your own kid because you will never truly be able to trust anyone.

I agree. Maybe you need to hire an adult that you trust and don't need to micromanage. Her exploring the area after the park shouldn't be a fireable offense. But you needing to direct her every move says that you wouldn't have trusted her anyway. If when I'm strolling through town with my charges I stop into a shop to look at something for myself, it's no big deal. I'm doing the job of a SAHP and need to be an adult on occasion during the day. This is not a big deal as long as the child(ren) come first.

[Anonymous]

You found a Nanny who agreed to go away with you and then you micro manage her whole day. You sound awful. Unless you are visiting Baghdad or Aleppo I am pretty sure she is capable of finding her way around safely with your 2yo. You need to take a step back.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a complete nut. Maybe the park was too hot. Maybe the sun was beating down making it unbearable. Maybe it was shady in the afternoon the day before. Maybe she was just bored of the park since she had just been there 12 hrs before. Who goes to a park with a two year old for 2 hrs? That in and of itself is crazy. One hour tops at that age. They get bored and start running off (but of course your precious angel would never do that, I know.) if she was due to be done at 11:30, maybe she popped in to the dollar store to get a coke and a candy bar to have later on without making a special trip back again.

You're blowing this way out of proportion and you need to take three steps way back. When you outsource childcare instead of doing it yourself, you also outsource the decision making for the day to day details. You're going to make yourself and everyone around you completely miserable if you don't get a grip.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I'm probably not being totally clear about what the problem is. The things she did like taking DD to the plaza and not texting me, what bothers me is that it's not typical behavior for her and feels "off." Our prior nanny was much more independent and rarely texted so if it had been her, it wouldn't feel off.

Aside from the atypical behavior, her saying they left the park because the weather was too hot is not at all believable. Back home (i.e., not my hometown), nanny will take DD to the park so long as it's low 80s tops and it is HUMID there. My hometown has dry heat so it is much more bearable, plus it was only low 70s. The park/playground have lots of shade in the morning and it would have been absolutely lovely.

I think some of you are thinking what's the big deal, she took DD to the park and wandered off to explore. No, that's not how it happened. My hometown is very spread out so you can't explore by foot and it's not even easy to do so by car because of the way it's configured. It just doesn't make any sense that nanny would take DD out to "explore" by car in our area when she could easily call me to ask for suggestions.

[Anonymous]

It's totally reasonable for you to want to know where they are planning to be, for how long, and if that plan changes.

[Anonymous]

You sounds crazy and like a nightmare to work for. Why hire a professional nanny when you need to track her every move? She answered where se was which was truthful. Maybe she or you DD felt it was too hot. You should have told her certain areas you didn't want her to go if it was that big of a deal to you. I feel bad for your nanny. I would have quit months ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically you asked the nanny where she was and she told you. Did you have a specific rule that she wasn't to go anywhere unauthorized? Unless this is the case, I fail to see what is wrong with what happened. Your conjecture that she wouldn't have told you unless you asked is irrelevant.
OP, you are fishing for something to be wrong when, in fact, nothing is. Let it go or stay home with your own kid because you will never truly be able to trust anyone.

I agree. Maybe you need to hire an adult that you trust and don't need to micromanage. Her exploring the area after the park shouldn't be a fireable offense. But you needing to direct her every move says that you wouldn't have trusted her anyway. If when I'm strolling through town with my charges I stop into a shop to look at something for myself, it's no big deal. I'm doing the job of a SAHP and need to be an adult on occasion during the day. This is not a big deal as long as the child(ren) come first.

No, you are not a stay at home parent. You are being paid to do a job, which is watch a child. You don't get to go wherever you want and hang out at coffee shops whenevr you feel like it. That is not what parents are paying you for. You get to be an adult by caring for the child, and you get free time when you leave work.

[Anonymous]

Just for reference, I've left the park on a freezing winter day because the sun was beating down on the metal equipment and rubber flooring so that it was too hot to touch for even a second.

I also normally text MB about all outings- not because she always wants to know where we are, but just because she's curious to what her DD is doing, if she's having fun, etc. Therefore, I wouldn't text her if we were just stopping for lunch or coffee, or stopping quickly into a store. Because DD is just along for the ride, we aren't doing anything exciting. And my MB trusts me enough to know that those times are rare, we aren't just f*cking around all day and having a fun nanny's day out. I also definitely wouldn't text her for something so mundane when we were on vacation and I knew she could be with family or friends.

Just thought I'd give a nanny's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just for reference, I've left the park on a freezing winter day because the sun was beating down on the metal equipment and rubber flooring so that it was too hot to touch for even a second.

I also normally text MB about all outings- not because she always wants to know where we are, but just because she's curious to what her DD is doing, if she's having fun, etc. Therefore, I wouldn't text her if we were just stopping for lunch or coffee, or stopping quickly into a store. Because DD is just along for the ride, we aren't doing anything exciting. And my MB trusts me enough to know that those times are rare, we aren't just f*cking around all day and having a fun nanny's day out. I also definitely wouldn't text her for something so mundane when we were on vacation and I knew she could be with family or friends.

Just thought I'd give a nanny's perspective.

+1

Good perspective here.