Need advice on talking to nanny with attitude problem

[Anonymous]

I am the OP here:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/nanny-forum/posts/list/333757.page

As mentioned in that thread, our nanny has an attitude problem. What it comes down to is that when something doesn't go her way or upsets her, she speaks to me very rudely. What she's done the last couple times we had a disagreement is she will give me a piece of her mind and when it's my turn to respond, she will interrupt me then try to cut the conversation short without letting me finish. She also has tried to lay blame with me when it was clearly not my fault, implies that I misspoke or am misremembering when the mistake was clearly hers. Example: she told me the day of that she was going to leave an hour early for an appointment. I said no, I have an appointment and cannot relieve you of DC that early. (Context is that hers is a recurring appointment that happens only on Thursdays, BUT on an infrequent and irregular schedule, like anywhere from 3-6 weeks apart. She told me about it when I hired her and said that she would notify me in advance of any given appointment.) Her immediate reaction was to tell me in a challenging tone "Mary, I AM leaving an hour early today." I, taken aback, reiterate no, you cannot, you are supposed to give me advance notice so I can plan around it. She immediately retorts "Why did you plan your appointment on a Thursday evening?!? You KNOW I have this appointment on Thursdays!!" I then reminded her that she had a responsibility to give me advance notice whereas I did not have one to check with her before I make my appointments. During this conversation, she interrupted me mid-sentence several times, once to say "I'm done talking about this" when clearly I wasn't.

We just had another heated conversation tonight that went much the same way, but on a different subject, and while I would love nothing more than to be DONE with her, I just don't have much hope of finding a temp nanny. If I am going to keep her on, I feel like I cannot let her rudeness go answered, yet at the same time, I don't think I will get through to her. On some level, she must feel her behavior is justified and/or reasonable because if she didn't, she would apologize which she has NEVER done. In the prior argument about leaving work early, the way it was resolved was I let her leave 30 minutes early (I was able to move my appointment a little earlier and it finished early) and while she was very effusive in her thanks, she never apologized for her behavior. Now, I realize that I should not have let it go then the result of which is that the rude behavior has come back. I would really appreciate some advice on what I should say to her tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Is this nanny gone in October? I dunno. I wouldn't be able to trust someone like that with my kid and they would be gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this nanny gone in October? I dunno. I wouldn't be able to trust someone like that with my kid and they would be gone.

Seriously? You wouldn't trust someone with your child just because you have a personal issue with them? How old are you?

To OP - talk to your nanny when tempers have cooled. Ask her to help you find a way to resolve this issue as it was very hurtful to you (try to avoid words like "disrespectful", and her "attitude") just talk about your feelings. Be open to hearing her feelings and perspective. Make sure your talk is scheduled so that you both have time to work it out while your DH watches your children. Schedule a time with her first thing tomorrow morning.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny and I cannot fathom talking to someone like this who wasn't talking to me like this first. You really need a new nanny. Don't hesitate to start looking because you're worried you won't find someone because I really think you will. There might be someone who only needs a short stint before moving or moving on to some other phase in life. You'll be miserable if you keep her on and there are people out there who will make your life easier, not harder. Start looking now and be candid with candidates about why you're looking. You'll weed people out that way.

[Anonymous]

1) you are the boss. be stronger, do not get emotional.
2) tell her you need a list from her of her Thursday appointments from now until Oct. that you will review. If any don't work with your schedule, tell her now that she has to reschedule. If she doesn't yet know her appointments, tell her that is unacceptable and to schedule them now, so she can give you the full list.

Then put them all on a wall calendar that is visible to both of you, numbering them, so she can't slip in an extra appointment later.

3) you need to not leave anything open to miscommunication.

If it weren't a short-term- I would fire her- she's way too difficult and an insubordinate employee.
But as a mom, I know how hard it is to change childcare, so I would stick with it for the next 6 months.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny, and I would NEVER speak to my employer like this. Granted, I would also never allow my employer to speak to me like this.

It's not ok, and there needs to be mutual respect. She seems like she has a strong, difficult, personality. I don't think it's a healthy working relationship and I'd let her go.

I understand back-up/temp care may be difficult.

I don't think there is an easy solution. I understand if she's frustrated she can't make an appointment, I've had many employers not respect my time when I've told them weeks in advance about an appointment. However, that doesn't seem to be the case here. She seems to just want what she wants.... not the attitude of a good employee.

[Anonymous]

Both of you have an attitude.

[Anonymous]

Op, you shouldn't have made the appointment on Thursday in the first place especially when it cuts close to her finishing time. You knew what you were doing. You must enjoy the drama of it all to keep her around.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks everyone for the replies. I spoke with nanny earlier today and had a good conversation. She was much calmer and actually apologized for her behavior, first time ever! It actually makes me hopeful that we might be able to make it work until the fall. So relieved.

[Anonymous]

If you don't both get organized for the next few months, this will happen again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't both get organized for the next few months, this will happen again.

What does this mean?