Having trouble with giving negative feedback to babysitters and nannies

[Anonymous]

In general, I am not a great manager. I have a lot of trouble giving negative feedback. I have been like this forever, it's not specific to nannies, and I am trying to work on it.

That said-

My husband and I inherently disagree on the kind of negative feedback to give to caregivers for our children. I am of the mindset that if we notice things happening that are relatively serious, we should just let the person go. I am afraid that if we give them stern feedback, they will be unhappy and take it out on our kids.

Note that I'm not talking about minor things - like oh you let the kids watch too much tv or oh you gave an extra oreo. I just let those things go.

Today we had a regular babysitter do a bunch of things that we were not happy about. We have visible cameras up but we do not regularly watch them. Today, I decided to watch because my older child expressed unhappiness about having the babysitter come. She basically could not have been more inattentive to the kids. At one point texting on her phone for 45 minutes, literally not even looking up. At another point she left our infant alone (probably in a safe place, but still) to go outside to get a magazine to read from her car. There were also a ton of personal phone calls while on the job.

My husband thinks we should sit down with her to explain that this is not appropriate behavior. I think we should just stop using her, even though we have a bunch of dates already lined up for the future and it would cause us a lot of inconvenience to have to find someone new.

My thought process- we have cameras all over the place. She knows that. She is also not stupid and she knows she shouldn't have been doing what she did. What's the point in trying to get someone to change that behavior? I really do think that all we will accomplish is to get them upset, or angry, which is not going to make her a better babysitter.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I have two thoughts:

1) Woman up. Grow some ovaries and occasionally have an uncomfortable conversation. Be kind about it, but be an employer. Do you really want your children to learn to avoid challenges like that?

2) The one babysitter I fired without a conversation was the one who sat outside on a concrete patio on a sofa with my 9-month old son. She did not have a hand on him, and was looking at her phone, which she had been on the entire day. I was here, and I told her that he wasn't able to get up and down yet, and could fall and get badly hurt. Ten minutes later, she was doing it again. I decided she had terrible judgment.

One other thing. I found out that our nanny was driving the kids short distances without buckling them in their car seats (as in, they would go to the park next to the library, then drive around the building to the library). I was horrified, but my kids were old enough to tell me what was going on, and she never did it again. She's been with us for 2.5 years. I knew that she was generally very careful with the kids and I do trust her judgment. This was just something she was raised with in a less strict way, and she was happy to correct it. You would have fired her, I guess?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on two things:

A) is this someone "special" otherwise--someone with a connection to one of the kids or someone with a long history with your family?
B) is this person going to be hard to replace (are they super flexible or willing to work a tough shift to fill or charge a really low rate)?

If the person meets one or both of these then it makes sense to put in the work. If it is just one of a dozen interchangeable date night sitters then I would just move on.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband need to agree on what the deal breakers are. You think this is one which is why you want to fire her, and he doesn't. Work that out first.

[Anonymous]

You can approach her & kindly/diplomatically let her know your feelings.

Be careful w/your choice of wording as well as the inflection in your voice.
Many Nannies have had negative feedback from their bosses + have not took it too personally.
It's all about delivery on your end.

However if she reacts harshly and gives you attitude then that is a clear sign to issue her her walking papers.

Good luck.