Need advice on letting nanny go

[Anonymous]

We are letting go DD's nanny who has been with us since the beginning of the year for performance issues. She's actually a nice person who cares for DD a lot, but has competence issues and is not a good personality fit. We are planning on giving her two weeks' pay as severance in lieu of notice. I would have liked to have given her some notice and some severance so that it wasn't so abrupt and she'd have time to say goodbye to DD, but 1) I don't want her talking about this with the other nannies in our apt building and 2) she is very emotional and prone to crying, which I do not want her to do around me or DD.

My questions:
1. Should I give her reasons for termination and if so, what? I think since we have a good relationship, it would be fair to her to tell her the reasons in a kind way. If I say "communication issues" and "not a good fit," I think she will understand. DH is saying no to this and instead, give her an "objective" reason that won't make her feel bad, such as we want to hire someone who speaks our native language, but I can't think of one that wouldn't be a lie. Which is better, honesty or saving hurt feelings?

2. I plan to give her a positive reference, but if someone asks me a question that touches on the issues we had, I feel like the right thing to do is be honest, but present in as positive light as possible. DH is telling me not to say anything remotely negative, just do and say what it takes to help her find a new job. Again, is honesty the better policy or not?

3. Is there anything else I can do to soften the blow? It would be nice if we could give her a present from DD, but she is only 17 mo. old so too young to make anything. Like when she paints or draws, they're just scribbles. What kind of gift would be appropriate to show our appreciation of her?

[Anonymous]

Imagine that you are the employee. What would you want from your boss?

You need to tell her the truth, in as kind a way as possible. How else will she know what to change for the next job? And for God's sake -- either refuse to be a reference or plan to tell the truth to other parents (again, kindly).

If you have not addressed these issues with her in any direct way and this is going to be an out-of-the-blue termination, that is part of the communication problems, and tells me that it's not all on her. Another family may not have those issues.

[Anonymous]

You should tell her specifically why you're firing her. Maybe she can improve in those areas and not get fired again.

[Anonymous]

If you do a search here OP you will find some relevant threads. Here's my quick two cents as someone who has had to do this with a long-term nanny, and as an employer who has had to fire people more than once.

- Be direct, clear, and concise. You don't need to give tons of information, in fact, I'd argue against it. Nor do you need to lie.
- Give her a termination letter and a reference letter along with the severance check. Make the termination letter brief - We are terminating your employment effective today, and are giving you X, representing two weeks severance. We appreciate the care you have provided to Emily and wish you all the best. Attached is a copy of a reference letter for you to use in your search, and you may provide our contact information to future employers as well.
- Be brief. Be kind. Be clear.
- Have a handful of declarative statements practiced in the event she becomes angry or upset or whatever. Things like "You have done nothing wrong, we just don't think this is a good fit." " I will be happy to provide a good reference for you that speaks to your loving nature. " "You may be eligible for unemployment benefits." "we wish you all the best." "I understand you're upset - this is hard. But we felt it would be best to not make you come back to work knowing that this was happening."
- Be sure to get your key and anything else of yours that she might have (carseat for instance?)

Practice what you're going to say, and practice how you and your husband are orchestrating it together.

It feels a little counter-intuitive perhaps but brief and calm is actually much kinder than a drawn out explanation or conversation. And when someone gets fired they often get emotional and can't remember the specifics of the conversation anyway. That is why a severance letter and a written reference that backs up whatever you say verbally is helpful and important.

Good luck OP.