Thinking about quitting because of DB

[Anonymous]

I've been nannying for a family for a little over a year now. This is my first full time job and I make 10.25 an hour which is ok pay for the area I'm in. I love the kids but I don't know how much longer I can deal with DB.

First off, DB is home a lot of the time. Probably 20-25 of the 40 hours I work he's sitting in the living room watching TV (not always child appropriate) and drinking. I know it's his home and this is his family and he's actually paying me to take care of the kids but it really bugs me. Especially since almost all of the kids toys are in the TV room and they have an open concept so wherever you are, even the kitchen, you can see and hear the TV. It's also hard because if I ever try to set boundaries with the kids or enforce rules they'll go to dad for a second opinion. He's gone as far as letting the kids out of timeout to give them candy so they'll stop crying because the crying was interfering with his TV. I feel a lot of pressure while he's there to just keep the kids quiet and happy which makes correcting bad behavior really hard. Not to mention, I really hate having to tell the kids we can't play a game because its too loud and dads watching TV.

I usually deal with DB by taking the kids out of the house to the park or the library to play for a few hours just to get a break. When the kids aren't around DB they're pretty close to angels. They're still kids of course but they listen so much better and they can actually be loud like kids are supposed to be.

DB is always sure to leave right before MB gets home if he does spend the whole day at home. One time he left 10 minutes before she got home. When MB got home I ended up staying about 30 minutes late just to talk about the kids and DB walked in about 10 minutes after she got home so he could make dinner and acted like he had been at work all day. I have no idea if she knows how much he actually works. He does own his own shop so he is his own boss but a lot of times he'll talk about how he stayed at the shop working all night long to justify spending the whole day watching TV. It could just be an understanding between them but it frustrates me to see MB go to work every single day only to come home to take care of the kids all by herself while her husband "works late" when in reality he just started his day really late. She's basically a single mom most of the time and I've heard them argue about him pulling his own weight a couple of times.

I haven't said anything though because I don't think its my place but part of me wants to quit and then tell her just in case she doesn't know. I would like to get feedback though on how to handle that or if I should just ignore it.

There was also an incident about two months ago. When I arrived to work on a Monday morning the two year old had a pretty big bruise on her forehead. I asked my five year old charge how it happened and the two year old but neither could tell me. I later came to find out that it happened while the kids were alone upstairs and dad was watching TV downstairs while he was 'babysitting'. It really bothered me but I could tell MB was really unhappy with DB about it so I figured it wouldn't happen again. However later that week I came in and immediately noticed the bruise on the little ones forehead was considerably worse. My five year old charge told me that while he was upstairs playing with his little sister (dad was of course watching TV) they started playing with a spinning office chair and he accidentally spun it too fast and she fell off and bumped her head. Then he goes on to tell me that dad got really mad at him for it and shook him really hard and threw him into a wall. He had bruises around his arms in the shape of hand prints. I gave him a big hug and told him it wasn't his fault. He didn't seem too shaken which makes me wonder if it happens more when me and MB aren't around. I had to take them outside because DB was still there, drinking beer and I was trying not to cry.

Looking back I honestly don't know if I did the right thing. I waited until DB left and I took pictures of the bruises. When MB came home I told her I wasn't ok with it at all. She was visibly shaken and she assured me that she would talk to DB and it would never happen again. The next day when I came into work DB was there, he was super cheerful, and was acting like nothing at all happened. My five year old charge had those bruises for a week. I feel like DB probably played it off or somehow managed to minimize it with MB.

I took the pictures so if it ever happens again I can show a pattern. I didn't call CPS because having been through that as a kid I don't have a lot of faith that they'd be able to do anything with out more. DB could say kids bruise easy or say his son was lying, etc. I also thought that MB would do more about it. I don't know. I'd really like some more opinions on this because I care about these kids a lot and I want to do the right thing.

Right now I really set on quitting. Seeing DB there every morning and wondering when he's finally going to leave is stressing me out more and more each day. Maybe other nannies could do it better but I'm at a point where I'm willing to accept that I'm just not a good fit for them anymore. The only thing keeping me at this job is how much I care about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Get out. Period.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't quit over this, but I would over that lousy pay. Here's what needs to happen:

Whenever you and the kids have to be home, like morning or afternoon before or after outings, set up one of the kids rooms for activities. Go into the living room and choose things that they can play with. Take art supplies etc into that room and make that like a little classroom. Alternate time shifts while in there. Say we are going to play candy land and once we are finished you guys can play with whatever you like then we will do an art project then you can go play again. After that we will have snack then head to the park.

If dad interferes while you have them in the kitchen then set up picnic style snacks in the room on a large blanket and turn on kid music and make it fun. Or just take snack to the park with you.

If they have a basement then that's even better. There is no reason you have to be in the family room if the toys can be moved and you go out during the day.

You should not be keeping mum about him being there. You should not blatantly snitch though I would say to mb " hey one night this week when you come home if like to run some things by you that I think would help our days run smoother". This is when you would pull out your notepad where you will have written down

* meal times:
- is it ok to eat in other spaces than kitchen
- take meals to go

* chain of command while nanny is "on":
- very confusing for kids to not know who is in charge
- undermining creates stressful environment
- mixed signals being sent to kids

* areas kids are allowed to go and play in:
- are kids allowed to play upstairs alone? They always try
despite my trying to keep them contained can it be
stressed to them that they are to be in my sight at all
times?

This will show her you are professional, mature, and want to have a rapport with her. But the point is mainly to give her insight on the fact your db is always around.

[Anonymous]

Pp here sorry it posted before I finished. But yes this meeting will open the door for why you are asking these questions and need clarification. That's when you say "well their dad is in the family room at these times usually (list times) and I don't want things to be awkward or confusing. I was initially under the impression that it would just be the kids and I here for a majority of the day. I really want to bond with them and have them see me as their caregiver with out confusion"

Say all of this with a smile and be sweet

[Anonymous]

First, nannies are mandated reporters. If there are signs of abuse, you are legally required to report it. http://nanny.org/resources/nannies/reporting-suspected-abuse/

Second, you need to figure ot what you want. If you primarily want to stay, then you need to have a conversation with both MB and DB. You cannot handle this by tattling on him. You need to acknowledge that they are both your employers and behave as if you are a team.

"Thanks for meeting with me! Over the past few months, I've been struggling with some changes in our routine. Now that DB is home between X and Y most days, I find that having the living room be the primary playspace makes it hard not to get in the way of his relaxing with his shows. I was hoping that we could talk about finding a different space in the house to move toys to such and A room or B room, and maybe getting a small table to put in C location so that we can have meals and art projects without the volume level disrupting what you're doing.

What you need here is plausible deniability. You aren't telling MB behind his back, you are INNOCENTLY telling her with him there because of course you ASSUMED that she is familiar with his routine. And of course you aren't judging him for being a waste of space, but are actually just trying so hard not to INCONVENIENCE him.

If you just want to leave, I would have a conversation with MB and explain that you are leaving on X date and that you think a daycare situation where the kids are out of the house might be a better fit for the above reasons.

[Anonymous]

Find another job ASAP. Get out of there.
Then report it.

[Anonymous]

If you stay with this family, things are not bound to improve.

Plus you are making peanuts regarding your salary.

I know you love the kids, but you cannot continue at this horrible job any longer.

Give notice stat & move on immediately.

This DB sounds like the devil himself.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'd get out before I'd be blamed for abusing the kids. Imagine if the dad freaks out one day, hits his child in front of you and calls the cop on you. Good luck!
Just quit please and if you feel comfortable, definitely report them! Please let us know what happens

[Anonymous]

OP, an update?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really apreciated the tips on how to cope if I stay. After thinking about it over a long weekend I'm probably going to end up quitting. Not just because of DB, I'm going back to school and I'm going to need less hours anyways. I love the kids and MB though so I'm going to give more than enough notice. Despite my issues with DB I want to maintain a good relationship with the kids even after I quit.

[Anonymous]

OP again- the pay is actually ok for a college student. I live in a VERY low cost of living area and I make more than almost all of my friends. I could definitely make more but before DB started bugging me so much I was ok with lower pay just because of how great the hours, kids, and MB are. I want to clarify too, that DB isn't a terrible person. He's just lazy, and a liar. The hitting probably comes from being hit as a kid himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- the pay is actually ok for a college student. I live in a VERY low cost of living area and I make more than almost all of my friends. I could definitely make more but before DB started bugging me so much I was ok with lower pay just because of how great the hours, kids, and MB are. I want to clarify too, that DB isn't a terrible person. He's just lazy, and a liar. The hitting probably comes from being hit as a kid himself.

Why are you making excuses for DB's actions? There is no reason or justification for what DB is doing to his child. He *is* a terrible person. Sadly I don't have faith that you'll report him.

[Anonymous]

He drinks all day, throws his kid against a wall, and leaves bruises that last for a week... There is a problem here. I regret the one time I should have called cups but didn't. There weren't any visible bruises but I was filling in for a week while the mother was out of town and the children were terrified of their father. They told me stories of his punishments. I don't think cps would have done anything given that there were no marks, but I should have called, maybe he would have changed his behavior. I did speak to the mother about my concerns. I wonder how they are now (I was a one week fill in). OP, has any other abuse happened? Does he yell at the kids when you're around? Did you inquire about his punishments when the bruise/wall incident occurred? Either way, get out!