Give notice now or wait?

[Anonymous]

I am planning to leave my current nanny position (of one year) within the next eight weeks. My employers are aware of this, and the driving factor is unrelated to the job itself. My original plan was to secure a new position (outside the nanny field) first, and then give a formal three week notice. Current plan is not to replace me as one parent plans to stay home (also has been the plan since I was hired…just thought it would be another year).

For the past few months my relationship with the oldest child (4) has been deteriorating. This child can be very challenging. I am not new to working with challenging children, and typically enjoy doing so. Part of why I was hired is due to this experience. However this is the first time I have encountered a child who truly seems to have come to resent my presence. I have tried to find any and all opportunities to praise her and connect with her, but she seems unaffected by my efforts. I catch her glaring at me numerous times each day. All kids have their moments of being angry with adults, but this is at a new level for me.

Over the last couple months she has made subtle remarks to me several times each week about how she wishes it was a "mommy daddy not, not a nanny day." Her outright defiance with me is crazy…again I have extensive experience with challenging children in private homes and classrooms so I am not easily phased. All the usual tricks and trying numerous new ones have failed. For the past two weeks she has been outright telling MB she doesn't want me here as soon as I walk in the door every morning. She increasingly chooses to just go to her room or another room to get away. I have come to dread going to work each morning.

Part of me just wants to hand in my formal notice either tomorrow or the beginning of next week so that I can breathe knowing that the unpleasantness will end in three weeks. The other part of me says she is just a kid going through an even more challenging phase than her normal challenging behavior and I should stick to my plan to find a new job first (hopefully sooner rather than later). It has been obvious to me for 4-5 months that she and I are not the best fit for each other, but I am a great fit with the other kids in the house (compounds the issue).

Any words of wisdom on how to approach this?

[Anonymous]

What's your gut telling you?

[Anonymous]

Give two weeks notice.

[Anonymous]

What do the parents say about the behavior?
If my kid was treating my Nanny like this there would be some serious consequences. Its downright rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give two weeks notice.

Sure, but ONLY if you can afford to be let go immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your gut telling you?

Two weeks ago my gut was still telling me this is just a rough phase that I need to ride out. However the past two weeks have been awful so right now my exasperated gut is telling me to give notice.

When she isn't having a challenging moment she is incredibly helpful, funny, and smart with an incredible thirst for knowledge. She can be a really fun kid at times. The others times are currently overshadowing the good times though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give two weeks notice.

Sure, but ONLY if you can afford to be let go immediately.

Whenever I give notice it will be the three week notice I agreed to in the work agreement.

Luckily I can afford to be without income for a couple of months (technically longer but it wouldn't get that far). It would be stressful, but that's what the emergency fund is for.

They will not let me go immediately. They already know I am planning to leave at some point in the near future, and they have no plans to hire a new nanny at the moment. The plan right now is for MB to transition from her job into staying at home when I leave. She has some work commitments in the next few weeks so no concerns of them firing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the parents say about the behavior?
If my kid was treating my Nanny like this there would be some serious consequences. Its downright rude.

The parents are aware of most of the behavior. MB works from home some days so she sees it first hand on occasion. Parents have trouble as well with this particular child. She challenges them less than me, but they definitely see some of what I see. Although there are some negative behaviors they see that I don't so I guess it evens out in the end.

When I end up giving a negative report they give her a disappointed look, express their disappointment verbally, and remind her that using her listening ears is important/making good choices is important/etc…. To my knowledge there are no additional consequences beyond what she has already received with me during the day. They do back me up when they are present for her challenging behavior, but no double jeopardy as far as I am aware. She still gets tv, desert, etc… when she has had a tough day with me. Although some days she ends up having a tough evening with MB and DB as well and ends up with a consequence for that.

She is largely unaffected by consequences so far. She might cry for one minute, and then is over it. If anything it just makes her angry and resentful (mostly towards me). Focusing just on positive behaviors only increased the negative ones (and caused a ripple affect with a couple siblings) during the six to eight weeks we tried that tactic. We had to abandon that because she was just a disaster and her siblings wanted little to do with her. Siblings are 7, 2.5, and 9 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the parents say about the behavior?
If my kid was treating my Nanny like this there would be some serious consequences. Its downright rude.

What kind of a consequence would you give a four year old several hours later for saying she doesn't like her nanny, then going to another room and glaring?

[Anonymous]

When you actually experience that feeling of DREAD going into work every day, then yes....it is time to hand in your walking papers.

Sure, this girl probably has her own unique challenges, but when they began to affect a seasoned nanny like yourself, something has to give.

And that would be you.
GIVE them notice as soon as you can!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

MB here. I get that this is a challenging situation (although TBH one of my kids said for over a year that she didn't want our nanny there and begged me to stop working, with sobs and tears, every single morning). I have had stretches at my job and at previous jobs that I have really dreaded.

But just as a general principle I think it's a bad choice to quit a job before you have a new one lined up. I made a career transition after having my second baby and felt confident I'd find a new job, and wanted SO badly to quit the job I had. DH convinced me to stay, and he was totally right. I was able to turn down a couple of offers that weren't that great and wait for the right job, all while continuing to make money and have peace of mind. I think it's worth starting your job search ASAP and seeing if your family can provide a day off every week or two for interviews, etc.