WAHM Mom needs advice

[Anonymous]

Hello, I've just transitioned into a teleworking position after a period of extended (>1 year) leave. I am in our house (not huge...around 2000 sqft) most of the day when I am not traveling. I just hired a new nanny to be at home with my 2 yo and my 5 yo when he gets done with PreK. Nanny is excellent--helpful, easy going, self-directed and positive...but this is a new situation for both of us and I am trying to figure out how to support her as she transitions into our family, while staying out of her way while she establishes independent routines. For example, when the 2yo starts crying abruptly for mom, is it best for me to stay hidden in the office, or does it look like I am avoiding helping with my own child?

She and I are talking about it (she has never been a nanny for a WAHM) and we are trying to figure it out together, but I would love some insight as to how people have made this arrangement successful.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

My best advice here would be to fully concentrate on your work and let your nanny do hers.

I think it is wonderful how you want to figure all this out sooner rather than later. Many WAHPs do not take the time needed to figure out boundaries, etc.

If for instance you do hear your 2yo crying, you won't look like a bad mother if you decide to stay out of it and let your nanny have complete autonomy.

If you always come to your child's aid every time you hear him cry out, you will be setting up a very bad precedent for your son.

Plus you would make the nanny's job 200x harder and may not have a nanny much longer.

[Anonymous]

Let the nanny be the authority while you are working. That means that kids aren't allowed to go in your office or see you while they misbehave. If they are behaving (ie. you can't hear screaming) and you have a break, send the nanny a text and ask if it's a good time to come out. She might send one to see you, she might send both, or she might ask you to come out. No matter what, you are validating her authority, you are getting your work done, and you and she appear united to the kids. Kudos and good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op if you were working at an office across town and clicked to see that the 2 year old (not even an infant *rolls eyes*) were crying about something would you pick up your car keys and head home to "help"? No you would not. Why would you interfere, because that's what it's really called, if you are working from home?

When nannies accept positions for wahp they are usually under the impression you'll be working. If you didn't think she was competent enough to handle a crying 2 yr old on her own I'm sure you wouldn't have hired her.

This is why I will NEVER accept another position like this again. Mbs try to justify interference anyway they can and I guess it's just natural as a parent but it builds resentment, even if the nanny is behaving like it doesn't. She may be having these conversations with you and pretending she is trying to figure it out with you but inside she is thinking "if she thinks I want her poking around us all day she is nuts and I need to get in touch with the agency"

Pretend your kids are in daycare until it's your nanny's stop time. She didn't sign up to be a mothers helper. Smh. But sure you've seen the other threads here knew this already

[Anonymous]

Nanny here. Please, please stay out of the way as much as you can! i.e always, unless you hear a dire emergency going on or she actively asks for your help. I can't tell you how much more stressful my day is when I know MB or DB are going to be teleworking. I feel like I can't do my job properly, like I am being watched/listened in on and my every move feels scrutinized. I feel like if I use a wrong tone of voice or take more than .3 seconds to respond to crying, the parent will think I'm not doing my job.

When a WAHP intervenes and comes to see/play with/eat with/console their child while the nanny is working, it can be extremely confusing and awkward for the nanny because how is she supposed to know when to jump back in and take over again? When the parent is in the room, the child is going to be listening to and paying attention to the parent, not the nanny. So how does the nanny know when to jump in and start doing her job again? Most times, it's when the child begins that inevitable meltdown when they realize mommy or daddy isn't staying to hang out. The second the child starts crying, the hovering parent is out that door in record time.

Also, I have to bring up the fact that when a parent is teleworking and one of my charges starts having a meltdown, I'm suddenly extremely worried and anxious to get them to stop crying because DB is the type to think something is seriously wrong everytime his child cries for more than 30 seconds. Don't be alarmed. This is our job, we know how to get a baby to stop crying- it may take some time, but we'll do it. So please don't come running if your LO has been crying for some time, we will take care of it.

One last thing- if there are times where you may have to be in the same area where your nanny is watching the kids, try and communicate through text when those times will be. It sucks having to let someone know where you're going to be in your house all day, but it's worth it to not have your kid screaming everytime they see you and you can't stick around. Just a simple "hey, I'm gonna head to the kitchen in 5 minutes for lunch!" will give your nanny a chance to get her charge to a different area before meltdowns can ensue. Best case scenario, go to a coffee shop and work if you can.

[Anonymous]

Parents with poor boundaries are a disaster. I always feel sorry for their children.

[Anonymous]

Nanny perspective: If I know you are in the house and can clearly hear your child crying and you didn't come to lend a hand I would be resentful. I mean come on, is it that hard? It's your friggin child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny perspective: If I know you are in the house and can clearly hear your child crying and you didn't come to lend a hand I would be resentful. I mean come on, is it that hard? It's your friggin child.

Then you aren't a nanny. You are either a mother's helper or a babysitter. Nannies have multiple ways to deal with kids' behavior issues, and having a parent intervene whenever the child cries is NOT one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny perspective: If I know you are in the house and can clearly hear your child crying and you didn't come to lend a hand I would be resentful. I mean come on, is it that hard? It's your friggin child.

100% this is not a Nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be having these conversations with you and pretending she is trying to figure it out with you but inside she is thinking "if she thinks I want her poking around us all day she is nuts and I need to get in touch with the agency

Or she may be a competent adult and able to express herself without manipulation and hedging like a 15 year old girl.

Statements like the above are such nonsense. PP, maybe you can't communicate directly and effectively with the people you work with, but dont assume the same of everyone--it underestimates both MBs and actual professional nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be having these conversations with you and pretending she is trying to figure it out with you but inside she is thinking "if she thinks I want her poking around us all day she is nuts and I need to get in touch with the agency

Or she may be a competent adult and able to express herself without manipulation and hedging like a 15 year old girl.

Statements like the above are such nonsense. PP, maybe you can't communicate directly and effectively with the people you work with, but dont assume the same of everyone--it underestimates both MBs and actual professional nannies.

Wtf are you getting at? Everyone has had employers in their lifetime at some point that they disagreed with and didn't speak up because they are the employee. If the nanny was being effective in communicating with what her expectations are on this job the mb wouldn't be here looking for tips on how to work out the situation. Wouldn't this convo had been solved between the 2 of them? And please stop pretending like we don't have nannies posting here constantly asking about red flags from parents and how to resign without getting canned in the middle of notice because they can't be sure if they can speak the truth to parents. And certainly don't pretend there isn't an ENTIRE THREAD based on nannies and the troubles they face with these wahp. Gtfoh

When you first began a position you are weighing the pros and cons in your head and know what you will tolerate and will not. The nanny isn't the one here asking the mb is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be having these conversations with you and pretending she is trying to figure it out with you but inside she is thinking "if she thinks I want her poking around us all day she is nuts and I need to get in touch with the agency

Or she may be a competent adult and able to express herself without manipulation and hedging like a 15 year old girl.

Statements like the above are such nonsense. PP, maybe you can't communicate directly and effectively with the people you work with, but dont assume the same of everyone--it underestimates both MBs and actual professional nannies.

Wtf are you getting at? Everyone has had employers in their lifetime at some point that they disagreed with and didn't speak up because they are the employee. If the nanny was being effective in communicating with what her expectations are on this job the mb wouldn't be here looking for tips on how to work out the situation. Wouldn't this convo had been solved between the 2 of them? And please stop pretending like we don't have nannies posting here constantly asking about red flags from parents and how to resign without getting canned in the middle of notice because they can't be sure if they can speak the truth to parents. And certainly don't pretend there isn't an ENTIRE THREAD based on nannies and the troubles they face with these wahp. Gtfoh

When you first began a position you are weighing the pros and cons in your head and know what you will tolerate and will not. The nanny isn't the one here asking the mb is

Thank you for making my point about communicating like a 15 year old girl.

Something that might be of value when you grow up: just because you have a certain experience, doesn't make it universal. Are there some employers you can't talk to? Sure. But I would be willing to bet hard money that you almost never have postitive honest conversations simply because you are pretty stupid and defensive. I've seen you all over these boards assuming just because you cant talk to you MB, everyone else must be having the same problem. Guess what, honey? The problem isnt them: it's you.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here who has worked with lots of WAHPs. It's all about communication. Here's what worked at my last job:

First, if kids were exhibiting bad behavior, DB did NOT come help. That teaches them that tantrums=Daddy's attention. Very counterproductive. If I needed help I would send a quick text, but that was rare--really only in situations where kid had a medical issue or injury.

Second, DB stayed where the kids couldn't see him unless he had time to actually play with them. We decided for us that the cutoff was 15 minutes. If he had 15 minutes to get down on the floor and play, then it was worth the upset when he had to leave. If he only had 5 minutes then he would walk by without making eye contact or speaking. The kids would call his name, I'd say, "Daddy is working. See his work face?" And he's go get a snack or whatever and go back to work. Because there was a clear difference in his behavior between playtime and just-passing-through, they quickly learned the routine and wouldn't throw a fit everytime he had to go to the bathroom.

Finally, DB knew the routine. He avoided coming out during lunch-bottle-nap because that was a really disruptive time, but he knew that certain times of day were playtime and he was welcome to join in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here who has worked with lots of WAHPs. It's all about communication. Here's what worked at my last job:

First, if kids were exhibiting bad behavior, DB did NOT come help. That teaches them that tantrums=Daddy's attention. Very counterproductive. If I needed help I would send a quick text, but that was rare--really only in situations where kid had a medical issue or injury.

Second, DB stayed where the kids couldn't see him unless he had time to actually play with them. We decided for us that the cutoff was 15 minutes. If he had 15 minutes to get down on the floor and play, then it was worth the upset when he had to leave. If he only had 5 minutes then he would walk by without making eye contact or speaking. The kids would call his name, I'd say, "Daddy is working. See his work face?" And he's go get a snack or whatever and go back to work. Because there was a clear difference in his behavior between playtime and just-passing-through, they quickly learned the routine and wouldn't throw a fit everytime he had to go to the bathroom.

Finally, DB knew the routine. He avoided coming out during lunch-bottle-nap because that was a really disruptive time, but he knew that certain times of day were playtime and he was welcome to join in.

OP here, thank you! very helpful! I would say this looks a lot like what we are working out now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here who has worked with lots of WAHPs. It's all about communication. Here's what worked at my last job:

First, if kids were exhibiting bad behavior, DB did NOT come help. That teaches them that tantrums=Daddy's attention. Very counterproductive. If I needed help I would send a quick text, but that was rare--really only in situations where kid had a medical issue or injury.

Second, DB stayed where the kids couldn't see him unless he had time to actually play with them. We decided for us that the cutoff was 15 minutes. If he had 15 minutes to get down on the floor and play, then it was worth the upset when he had to leave. If he only had 5 minutes then he would walk by without making eye contact or speaking. The kids would call his name, I'd say, "Daddy is working. See his work face?" And he's go get a snack or whatever and go back to work. Because there was a clear difference in his behavior between playtime and just-passing-through, they quickly learned the routine and wouldn't throw a fit everytime he had to go to the bathroom.

Finally, DB knew the routine. He avoided coming out during lunch-bottle-nap because that was a really disruptive time, but he knew that certain times of day were playtime and he was welcome to join in.

OP here, thank you! very helpful! I would say this looks a lot like what we are working out now

This is pretty much the scenario that we have - DB works from a home office that is in a separate area and the kids often don't know whether he's home or not unless he stops by the kitchen to say hi and have lunch or join in on playtime. DB and MB both know to stay out of the nanny's way as much as possible and text if we want to communicate with the nanny without upsetting the kids. This has worked well for all of us for years and our nanny is very happy working with us despite a parent being WAH for the majority of the time.

As with anything else, being considerate makes life much better for everyone.