How to tell nanny we are letting her go

[Anonymous]

We will be telling our nanny in April that we are letting her go after approximately 3 years. I would like input on the best way to do this. We will be giving 6 weeks notice - 2 more than our contract states and are happy to provide a reference. We are moving on for a few reasons - mostly because while she keeps our kids safe, we have had issues with her willingness to follow directions and we want someone with some different offerings.

Any advice from the group about what to say, how much to tell her about why, and how to make this as painless as possible for her and the kids? Much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Tell the kids the night before you're going to tell the nanny. tell them it's totally okay for them to still love her, and talk with her about her leaving, and to think about all the fun things they want to do with her.

Then just tell the nanny the next morning. Think out now what if she changes the things you don't like? Then will you keep her? You should figure that out ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Three years is a long time. When did all the negatives crop up? And why, do you think?

[Anonymous]

Any way you can give her a chance to improve? 3 years is a long time.

[Anonymous]

What are the reasons you're letting her go?

[Anonymous]

Different offerings?? What sure that even mean?

[Anonymous]

I don't have much advice since I've never let a nanny go, but to all the PP questioning your decision after 3 years, please realize that plenty of so-so nannies are kept on even when they don't follow directions or perform the work agreed upon just because some families prefer to avoid confrontation and are willing to put up with a so-so nanny rather than go through the hassle of trying to find someone better.

I was in that position a year ago when our nanny of 3 years quit and while it was stressful to have to go through the whole search process it was such a relief to be able to move on to a more professional nanny. In our case the negatives cropped up over the years as our old nanny got more comfortable in the job and took on more and more in her life outside of work. She started out as a pretty good nanny and I felt lucky to have found her, and by the time she quit I couldn't in good conscience even recommend her as a babysitter to anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's actually very much as the PP describes. She can't cook at all (despite saying she could in her interview) so my kids don't get any hot food with her. She has actually fed them cold hot dogs on numerous occasions - we have asked her to stop that though. She has ignored my instructions that our 2 year old be home every day for a nap and when I figured out what was happening fought me on my request. We also agreed that starting this year, she would run some errands for us while both kids are in school. But instead of doing that during school time, she does her own thing during those hours and then brings our kids to the dry cleaners or grocery store when they are out. It's been very frustrating but we have kept trying because the kids like her and we believe they are safe. We just don't really like her and feel a bit lied to. And yes. We've raised all of these with her, with minimal improvement.

[Anonymous]

OP, we did this with our nanny of 3+ years last year. It was hard, but necessary. Here is what we did:
- planned to be very generous financially (as you are)
- picked a time when husband and i could do it together, on a friday afternoon, and when we made arrangements for the kids to be elsewhere
- had a letter for her, outlining the severance we were giving, our thanks for all she had done for our family, and our plan for the next few weeks.
- stated in the letter that we hoped she would work through April 30, and on her final day we would hand her a wonderful reference letter and the final severance check of X.
- We also stated that we would be happy to help her look for her next position if she wanted our assistance.
- We were brief in our reasons for making the change, and we were not specific about negatives. We wanted to take the high road as we certainly didn't wish her ill, she just wasn't the best fit for us any more (nor were we for her).

As soon as we told her we let her leave. She was upset, there were a couple of difficult minutes, but we had prepared ourselves to just have a few basic statements and not get drawn into bickering or anger or emotion. Our basic position was "Thank you so much. You have been wonderful to our children and us for the past three years. We will always be grateful for everything you have done for our family. As our kids are older now we need a change for them, and a different solution, so we are ending your employment. Here is what we are doing to thank you for time with us, and help ease this transition..."

As we planned to have her continue working for a couple of weeks we didn't tell the kids anything, but we were prepared to handle it if she chose not to return (which didn't happen.) We made the final severance payout, and glowing reference letter, conditional upon her continuing to do her job for the remaining period, and on her not discussing her departure with the children other than in the way we outlined.

We told the kids that she was leaving to go help another family take care of their baby - that they were bigger kids now and she was needed for other babies. We didn't tell them any of this until we had gotten through the first week, so we could be comfortable feeling that we could all part on decent terms. Once we could, we were able to say that they would still see their nanny regularly.

It took our nanny almost a week of work to be able to think about her next position, about starting a search, to not tear up at the end of every day, to make eye contact with me, etc... And when she left it was hard.

But a year later she stops by and visits, has babysat for us twice, came to the kids' b'day party, and sometimes just pops in to say a quick hi when she's in the neighborhood. We helped her find her next job (which offered her an infant again - her true passion, among other things she wanted) so she is ok. And the kids adjusted to their new nanny pretty well also.

I posted here quite a bit around that time, seeking advice and offering updates, so you might find some of those threads if you dig a bit (especially in the employer thread).

It will be hard but just keep your eye on the long term goal and what is best for your family. Financial generosity definitely can ease things, as can the promise of a good reference.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

16:23 here - seeing your update, I would add that I could happily recommend our nanny for some jobs, and not for others. She couldn't cope w/ the driving needs we had, the energy level of older kids, and a few other things. But for infant care I could whole-heartedly recommend her.

So I was careful about how I provided references, and what I helped her pursue. So maybe your nanny will be better for another family, and then you can provide a great reference in those circumstances.

BY the way, I also think it's fine to take the "rip off the bandaid" approach and just give a big severance check, a quick goodbye w/ the kids (or not) and figure out the emotional stuff separately if that's what's best for your family. You can manage the messaging and emotions with your kids if you need to, and perhaps you can re-establish some contact with the nanny for their sake after some time has gone by.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, your nanny deserves to be fired! Why could t she take a cooking class? YouTube?? That's sad. She sounds lazy.

[Anonymous]

16:23 here: If it helps here's a thread of mine from last year:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/nanny-forum/posts/list/308680.page

[Anonymous]

Do not ask her to work out her notice. Just let go peacefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not ask her to work out her notice. Just let go peacefully.

What do you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not ask her to work out her notice. Just let go peacefully.

What do you mean?

I mean cut ties immediately. Give her the 6 week severance and reference letter. Believe me, it will be a very difficult situation for all of you if she works out her notice.