Discipline, and lack thereof

[Anonymous]

I'm interviewing for positions, and many families are saying that they don't use any form of discipline. When I bring up the subject, it's easy to tell that there's no praise or recognition when a child does as requested, nor are there any repercussions or discussion with a child who chooses to behave in a socially unacceptable manner. I'm quite clear that I treat tantrums and meltdowns very differently, as I see a meltdown as a failure on my part to recognize the signs of an overwhelmed child. I don't believe in being punitive, I will never be physical as puishment, but when a parent tells me that I'm not allowed to tell their child no and not allowed to set any consequences, I can't go any farther with an interview. There are tons of discipline methods available, and the best (imo) are the ones that teach children that they can control themselves. But I wonder how those children can function, with a nanny, within the family, out in public, at school. It makes no sense to me.

Are there any parents willing to weigh in who don't allow the nanny to use any form of discipline? Nannies, have you worked for any families who don't discipline, and how did it work?

[Anonymous]

Years ago I worked with a "crunchy" AP mom who told me they never said no to their baby. I started when their DS was about 10 months old. Fast forward to around 2.5 and I come in one morning and the mother has left me a written note (and she was home at the time about how DS has become a completely disrespectful brat and that I'm being much too soft about discipline. I had a good laugh after that one.

[Anonymous]

Most school systems don't use negative words such as NO. They talk around it says larlo something about your feet if a child is kicking.

[Anonymous]

WHen we were first hiring a nanny two of them asked us what our current discipline system was. Our kid was four MONTHS old. She literally needed zero discipline. So we said we had no system. Both were annoyed. We thought they were stupid. I'm sure it's for the best we didn't work together.

As she grew and gained autonomy over her body and could do more than lay around looking cute, we came up with systems and whatever else was needed. But now our oldest is four, and it'd be like asking us today what our college application plan for her is. That's not the stage we're in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHen we were first hiring a nanny two of them asked us what our current discipline system was. Our kid was four MONTHS old. She literally needed zero discipline. So we said we had no system. Both were annoyed. We thought they were stupid. I'm sure it's for the best we didn't work together.

As she grew and gained autonomy over her body and could do more than lay around looking cute, we came up with systems and whatever else was needed. But now our oldest is four, and it'd be like asking us today what our college application plan for her is. That's not the stage we're in.

If your child (as an infant) pulled the nanny's hair while being held, what would you expect the nanny to do? How would that differ from what you would expect the nanny to proceed when your child is 1, 2, 4?

OP here. My issue is that I've talked to several parents lately who won't allow the child to be told no, whether it's an outright no or different phrasing (Larlo, we don't pull hair). My personal opinion is that I can't work for a family like that, because I'm always thinking of the worst case scenario, and trying to prevent it. If I can't tell a child not to reach for the stove, not to run into the road or not to eat something, I can't prevent injury.

With infants and young toddlers, most nannies and parents can agree that redirection works best, but some parents won't allow that. I'm trying to figure out how the nanny is expected to keep their kids safe, healthy and well-mannered, but I can't figure it out. By no means am I saying that a parent should be required to come up with a discipline system, I'm just confused about how it actually works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHen we were first hiring a nanny two of them asked us what our current discipline system was. Our kid was four MONTHS old. She literally needed zero discipline. So we said we had no system. Both were annoyed. We thought they were stupid. I'm sure it's for the best we didn't work together.

As she grew and gained autonomy over her body and could do more than lay around looking cute, we came up with systems and whatever else was needed. But now our oldest is four, and it'd be like asking us today what our college application plan for her is. That's not the stage we're in.

If your child (as an infant) pulled the nanny's hair while being held, what would you expect the nanny to do? How would that differ from what you would expect the nanny to proceed when your child is 1, 2, 4?

OP here. My issue is that I've talked to several parents lately who won't allow the child to be told no, whether it's an outright no or different phrasing (Larlo, we don't pull hair). My personal opinion is that I can't work for a family like that, because I'm always thinking of the worst case scenario, and trying to prevent it. If I can't tell a child not to reach for the stove, not to run into the road or not to eat something, I can't prevent injury.

With infants and young toddlers, most nannies and parents can agree that redirection works best, but some parents won't allow that. I'm trying to figure out how the nanny is expected to keep their kids safe, healthy and well-mannered, but I can't figure it out. By no means am I saying that a parent should be required to come up with a discipline system, I'm just confused about how it actually works.

Some parents are confused and don't have a clue. If they aren't looking to you for some education, run. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHen we were first hiring a nanny two of them asked us what our current discipline system was. Our kid was four MONTHS old. She literally needed zero discipline. So we said we had no system. Both were annoyed. We thought they were stupid. I'm sure it's for the best we didn't work together.

As she grew and gained autonomy over her body and could do more than lay around looking cute, we came up with systems and whatever else was needed. But now our oldest is four, and it'd be like asking us today what our college application plan for her is. That's not the stage we're in.

If your child (as an infant) pulled the nanny's hair while being held, what would you expect the nanny to do? How would that differ from what you would expect the nanny to proceed when your child is 1, 2, 4?

OP here. My issue is that I've talked to several parents lately who won't allow the child to be told no, whether it's an outright no or different phrasing (Larlo, we don't pull hair). My personal opinion is that I can't work for a family like that, because I'm always thinking of the worst case scenario, and trying to prevent it. If I can't tell a child not to reach for the stove, not to run into the road or not to eat something, I can't prevent injury.

With infants and young toddlers, most nannies and parents can agree that redirection works best, but some parents won't allow that. I'm trying to figure out how the nanny is expected to keep their kids safe, healthy and well-mannered, but I can't figure it out. By no means am I saying that a parent should be required to come up with a discipline system, I'm just confused about how it actually works.

If my infant pulled the nanny's hair at four months old I'd expect the nanny to unclench the baby's hand from her hair. Redirecting a four month old is useless. At one, I'd expect "Ow, that hurt!" followed by redirection and at two and up, a punishment of not being allowed to be close until they can agree to stop pulling. But I say no to my 2.5 yr old and 4 yr old all the time. When I remember, I tell them why I'm saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHen we were first hiring a nanny two of them asked us what our current discipline system was. Our kid was four MONTHS old. She literally needed zero discipline. So we said we had no system. Both were annoyed. We thought they were stupid. I'm sure it's for the best we didn't work together.

As she grew and gained autonomy over her body and could do more than lay around looking cute, we came up with systems and whatever else was needed. But now our oldest is four, and it'd be like asking us today what our college application plan for her is. That's not the stage we're in.

If your child (as an infant) pulled the nanny's hair while being held, what would you expect the nanny to do? How would that differ from what you would expect the nanny to proceed when your child is 1, 2, 4?

OP here. My issue is that I've talked to several parents lately who won't allow the child to be told no, whether it's an outright no or different phrasing (Larlo, we don't pull hair). My personal opinion is that I can't work for a family like that, because I'm always thinking of the worst case scenario, and trying to prevent it. If I can't tell a child not to reach for the stove, not to run into the road or not to eat something, I can't prevent injury.

With infants and young toddlers, most nannies and parents can agree that redirection works best, but some parents won't allow that. I'm trying to figure out how the nanny is expected to keep their kids safe, healthy and well-mannered, but I can't figure it out. By no means am I saying that a parent should be required to come up with a discipline system, I'm just confused about how it actually works.

If my infant pulled the nanny's hair at four months old I'd expect the nanny to unclench the baby's hand from her hair. Redirecting a four month old is useless. At one, I'd expect "Ow, that hurt!" followed by redirection and at two and up, a punishment of not being allowed to be close until they can agree to stop pulling. But I say no to my 2.5 yr old and 4 yr old all the time. When I remember, I tell them why I'm saying no.

Ah, well I would have redirected the 4 month old, while I untwisted fingers from my hair. Redirection is simply switching the child's attention to something else, and it works well with infants who have very short attention spans.

[Anonymous]

Ok everybody let's get our professional brains together here. Normal behavior from a 4 month old is worlds apart from normal (or acceptable for lack of a better term). We're talking about 1) age appropriate behavior and 2) the various approaches parents and educated child care providers for each age and stage. NO in and of itself is not a bad word. It is clear cut and unambiguous. If your four whatever year old is reaching for a wall outlet, it is OK to say NO! You just have to adjust the tone of the NO based on the age and the behavior. Realize that your children learn first from you how to express themselves. NO can be a very empowering word when used in the correct context.

[Anonymous]

I actually learned not to say "no" from my nanny. If she saw the kids walking toward a wall outlet, she would say, "that's not for children." It was actually very effective and easier for kids to understand than just a general "no."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually learned not to say "no" from my nanny. If she saw the kids walking toward a wall outlet, she would say, "that's not for children." It was actually very effective and easier for kids to understand than just a general "no."

Do you ever say "no" to your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually learned not to say "no" from my nanny. If she saw the kids walking toward a wall outlet, she would say, "that's not for children." It was actually very effective and easier for kids to understand than just a general "no."

Yes this. Positive discipline. What most schools use. It is very effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually learned not to say "no" from my nanny. If she saw the kids walking toward a wall outlet, she would say, "that's not for children." It was actually very effective and easier for kids to understand than just a general "no."

Do you ever say "no" to your children?

Not often. Like if they ask if they can have a cookie before dinner, I might say, " cookies are for after dinner," or if they ask to watch tv, I might say, "you can watch tv after you have done your chores, finished your homework, and played a game with your sister." I actually find this is so much more helpful for them than just saying "no" and letting them figure our what I am thinking. I really appreciate my nanny showing me how to do this.

[Anonymous]

If a nanny was interviewing with me and asked about what type of discipline we used with our then 4-month-old baby, I would not hire her either.

Perhaps what she meant was "what is your philosophy about disciplining children" in general, but that's not what was asked. I would worry that she was too focused on discipline to be good with babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually learned not to say "no" from my nanny. If she saw the kids walking toward a wall outlet, she would say, "that's not for children." It was actually very effective and easier for kids to understand than just a general "no."

Actually with with small children too many words can be confusing to them. And in the case of a child reaching for an electrical socket, an emphatic "no" is the best way to get a clear message across that this is not only an undesirable behavior but a dangerous one. I'm all for positive discipline and I know what redirection is. Yet there are certain cases where a clear NO is a direct unambiguous message. Your nanny steered you wrong on this one.