Nanny health problems

[Anonymous]

Our nanny developed some health issues a couple of months ago. Her primary issue is migraines, sometimes 3+ days a week, though there are other problems (PCOS is one, which creates painful periods). All of these things are at least occasionally debilitating, and have no set time-frame for a cure or recovery. She has been seeing doctors, but so far, no real progress.

I am not sure what to do. She is missing a lot of work, and can barely function on other days. My husband and I are running out of leave to cover those days, not to mention that these have been largely last-minute sick days (she is trying to schedule doctors' appointments at the beginning and end of the day). She is already almost out of paid sick leave time for the year, though at this point the missed days are more of a problem for me than the money.

I was already concerned about her driving with migraines, which sometimes last for her for days, and this morning she showed up with a migraine and said that she had also been unable to sleep last night due to insomnia. She asked to leave at 1pm (will be a half day for her). She looked exhausted, and now she's out driving my kids around. There is no other option besides driving where we live; I can't take that off her plate, and I can't do the driving because I'm at work.

We provide her health insurance, and, as I said, she has been seeing doctors at least off and on. I hate to kick someone when she's down, but I am running out of options that make any sense at all for us since there is no end in sight for these ailments. Does anyone have a suggestion other than "pay her her usual wage and let her get healthy on her own time you heartless bitch" (which I am sure I will hear from at least one person here).

[Anonymous]

I should note that we have her annual review scheduled for next week (she's been with us for about a year and a half), so that will be a good opportunity to discuss options.

[Anonymous]

That sucks OP. I'm a nanny but really think she should take medical leave. If you can swing it, can you continue to pay her health insurance? Maybe hire a temp nanny in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

I can, and I have considered that. I am positive she won't do it; she needs her paycheck. If I force leave on her, she will probably take a second job. This is also my dilemma with potentially reducing her hours to give her more rest time; I think she would decide she needs to supplement her income instead. I may have to try it anyway.

[Anonymous]

MB here.

That is extremely difficult OP.

It is also unsustainable.

Take a step back and figure out what you would do if you were hiring a nanny now (without regard - for the moment - for the current nanny and those challenges.)

Make a list of the critical requirements of the job, the "must haves' and then a list of the "desired, but not a deal-breaker" things.

Then look at your current nanny and assess whether she can do the job. Would she be a viable candidiate if you posted the job today? If not, then you have your answer and the problem you have is how to let her go and find someone else.

The easiest way to do that is to throw money at the problem. Give her as generous a severance package as you can possibly manage, including an amount that will cover her health insurance costs for a few months.

Hire a replacement. Use an agency for the short term while you are searching (if need be).

It will feel awful, and be incredibly stressful, but a month from now you will be relieved to have someone who can be more reliable in the job.

It might also be a relief for your nanny at this point. It doesn't feel good to live w/ this level of stress and illness and anxiety about work, etc...

Obviously I don't know your particulars, but if I were in this position I would look at her weekly take home amount (for our nanny her net pay is a couple of hundred dollars less than her gross income.) I would then see if I could pay her a lump sum that is the equivalent of perhaps three months of net salary, plus three months (or maybe even more) of health insurance payments. I would give her that lump sum in cash. (Yes this is not legal. I would take that risk.) I would make it very clear that the only reason we are doing this is because we have to have reliable, safe care for our kids, but we also care for her and want to find a way to give her some time to get better. I'd also give her an honest, but strong reference letter and agree to be available for reference calls when she is ready to take another position.

Your judgment is clouded because of your concern for her personally, which I understand. But your primary responsibility is the safe care of your children and it is quite clear that you have concerns about that. So I think you need to bite the bullet.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here.

That is extremely difficult OP.

It is also unsustainable.

Take a step back and figure out what you would do if you were hiring a nanny now (without regard - for the moment - for the current nanny and those challenges.)

Make a list of the critical requirements of the job, the "must haves' and then a list of the "desired, but not a deal-breaker" things.

Then look at your current nanny and assess whether she can do the job. Would she be a viable candidiate if you posted the job today? If not, then you have your answer and the problem you have is how to let her go and find someone else.

The easiest way to do that is to throw money at the problem. Give her as generous a severance package as you can possibly manage, including an amount that will cover her health insurance costs for a few months.

Hire a replacement. Use an agency for the short term while you are searching (if need be).

It will feel awful, and be incredibly stressful, but a month from now you will be relieved to have someone who can be more reliable in the job.

It might also be a relief for your nanny at this point. It doesn't feel good to live w/ this level of stress and illness and anxiety about work, etc...

Obviously I don't know your particulars, but if I were in this position I would look at her weekly take home amount (for our nanny her net pay is a couple of hundred dollars less than her gross income.) I would then see if I could pay her a lump sum that is the equivalent of perhaps three months of net salary, plus three months (or maybe even more) of health insurance payments. I would give her that lump sum in cash. (Yes this is not legal. I would take that risk.) I would make it very clear that the only reason we are doing this is because we have to have reliable, safe care for our kids, but we also care for her and want to find a way to give her some time to get better. I'd also give her an honest, but strong reference letter and agree to be available for reference calls when she is ready to take another position.

Your judgment is clouded because of your concern for her personally, which I understand. But your primary responsibility is the safe care of your children and it is quite clear that you have concerns about that. So I think you need to bite the bullet.

Good luck.

If I could afford to be this generous, I would probably put her on medical leave for two months and continue to pay her salary. I can't, unfortunately. This solution would cost about 10K, just in the severance payment and health insurance. This really is my dilemma. I can't cover for her either through temps or myself/husband and continue to pay her, and I could afford, at best, 2-3 weeks salary as severance + continuing to pay her insurance for a few months. That will not be enough time to get her health in order.

[Anonymous]

If she's having this many problems medically, she should be able to collect unemployment, and if it means she can't hold a job, she can collect disability. No, it's not what I would want to do, but I'm a nanny and I know that my health concerns would impact my charges. Both you and she need to consider what is in your children's best interests, not just hers.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you need your children driven regularly by your nanny, and you feel that your nanny is unsafe to drive, then you need a different nanny.

There is more to your situation of course, but that is a fundamental concern.

Would you allow your children to be driven by someone without a drivers license? With a poor safety record? With a history of aggressive driving? With a known medical condition that can make driving dangerous?

If you can't afford to end the relationship with giving her a financial cushion that is a true shame. But how long will you go on jeopardizing the safety of your kids, the perception of you in your workplace, and your household's calm and sense of order?

Migraines and PCOS are not medical situations that resolve themselves (typically) in a couple of weeks, or a finite time that a leave of absence would cover. This isn't a broken bone. And you are not responsible for her medically.

It is harsh, but I just don't see how this is sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here. You have to let her go. Write her an honest but overall positive letter of recommendation, come up with the best severance plan you can based on your circumstances (given that it sounds like part of the problem is that she is more concerned about the short-term worry of her next paycheck then the longer-term worry of her health, I would probably opt to pay for her health care directly for a longer period of time versus giving larger severance in the short term). Offer to serve as a reference for her, and let her know that you wish her the best and would love to have her work as a date night sitter for your kids and keep that relationship with them, but that the current set up is clearly not working for her and is potentially unsafe for the children. Perhaps she can find a job as a mother's helper for a stay-at-home mom who might pay a little less but will be able to work with frequent absences, or maybe she needs to work part time for a little while so that she can give herself more rest. Regardless, it is obvious that the pace of her job with you is not conducive to her health, and her health issues are not conducive to the safety of your children. It is not working and it's time to be honest with yourself about that.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for your feedback. The outsider perspectives are helpful.

She is such a wonderful young woman with ambition. I know that losing this job would be a hard thing to come back from given her family circumstances and the stable paycheck she's been able to rely on.

We will talk frankly at her review next week, and see what she might be willing to do. I am hoping she will maybe agree to reduced hours for a time (I do know someone who could cover most afternoons), and promise to work on getting these issues under control more diligently. If she could find a medication that works for her migraines, that would go a long way toward making this work.

The other issue is that she is in her twenties and still does a lot of weekend partying and weeknight socializing. I suspect that the "cure" will involve prioritizing sleep and a regular schedule, and we will have to see if more time off just exacerbates that part of it, or if it helps her take it seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you continue to employ her you have only yourself to blame. You sound over-involved as it is.

You are not her mother (to be judging her lifestyle, health circumstances, finances, etc...)

You are her employer and she is incapable of doing the job for which she was hired.

It's lovely that you're so concerned for her but it's not responsible parenting of your own kids, nor is it appropriate employer involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you continue to employ her you have only yourself to blame. You sound over-involved as it is.

You are not her mother (to be judging her lifestyle, health circumstances, finances, etc...)

You are her employer and she is incapable of doing the job for which she was hired.

It's lovely that you're so concerned for her but it's not responsible parenting of your own kids, nor is it appropriate employer involvement.

On the one hand I agree with you. On the other hand, it's the kind of "pink-collar" job that lacks a safety net that women find themselves in all too often, and I hate to be part of the callous system that leaves people to their own devices when they have human frailties. It is frustrating that there is almost zero help for her if she is unable to work, and I would be the one abandoning her to that fate. It doesn't really matter to me that another employer/business would do the same. It just seems unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you continue to employ her you have only yourself to blame. You sound over-involved as it is.

You are not her mother (to be judging her lifestyle, health circumstances, finances, etc...)

You are her employer and she is incapable of doing the job for which she was hired.

It's lovely that you're so concerned for her but it's not responsible parenting of your own kids, nor is it appropriate employer involvement.

On the one hand I agree with you. On the other hand, it's the kind of "pink-collar" job that lacks a safety net that women find themselves in all too often, and I hate to be part of the callous system that leaves people to their own devices when they have human frailties. It is frustrating that there is almost zero help for her if she is unable to work, and I would be the one abandoning her to that fate. It doesn't really matter to me that another employer/business would do the same. It just seems unfair.

I understand. I do. But I'm trying to counterbalance the emotion here a bit. (callous system, human frailties, zero help, abandoning her, unfair, etc...)

You really do need to remember that you are her boss. Not her family or her friend or her doctor etc... And you have children, a husband, a job, and financial/emotional limitations that you need to live within. Would you be able to behave this way with your employer? Would you hire this woman for the nanny position now if you knew her limitations?

You can choose to make her problems yours. You can absolutely do that. And maybe she'll be grateful. And maybe she'll get better and will be a stellar employee. And maybe she won't - maybe you will find yourself in 6 months or a year having truly exhausted your resources (in multiple ways) and she will be largely unchanged in behavior or health.

What does your husband say in all this? What did her references say when you hired her? What do your friends w/ nannies advise you to do?

We had a nanny who started developing significant health and financial challenges. We helped her with money for car repairs, doctors bills, etc... We paid her and kept her job open for her when she took an emergency 6 week leave. We actually took her to the doctor many times ourselves, helped her find healthcare/get medications, etc... Eventually we had to let her go because we no longer had confidence in her ability to safely care for the kids (one of her challenges was an inner ear problem.) She was prone to periods of dizziness that made her nauseous, made her unable to drive, kept her up at night so she was a zombie during the day, etc... We had to face whether we had full confidence in our kids' safety given her health challenges. We did not. So we did what we had to do.

The safety of your children has to trump everything OP. And I know from experience that the long term effect of this kind of dynamic is hard to take. It's hard on your work relationship, hard on your marriage, hard on your kids, hard on your emotional well-being, and hard on your pocketbook.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing your story. I know all this intellectually; I really do. Hopefully she'll agree to a leave of absence or part time hours and work toward getting herself healthy. If not, we will have to come up with a date by which, if things haven't improved, we'll have to part ways.

You nailed it: I am worried about exhausting all of our financial/time wiggle room on someone else, and then still having to let her go.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure she has migraines and not hangovers?