Toddler biting in the nanny share

[Anonymous]

I posted this in the general parenting forum and they suggested I post in the nanny forum. I'm hoping nannies will have some advice.

My toddler (22 months) keeps biting the other child in our nanny share. He does not bite us but keeps biting in the nanny share. The worst is the nanny is not reporting it to us, only the other parents, which is a point of contention. It makes it seem like we do not care since we are not aware until we hear it from the other family or see the bruises and bite marks and I am not sure how the nanny is addressing my child's behavior with biting. She always says "there is not much you can do...they are so young". Yes, I realize developmentally my toddler does not understand biting and yes, I realize I need to have a serious conversation with the nanny how each biting incident should be addressed and reported to me and my husband on a daily basis. I think that the nanny feels uncomfortable telling us, but I feel like it makes us look like we do not care about the other child's well being as our son is continuing to bite his best friend, whom he loves. Any advice?

I talked to the pediatrician and she indicated it is normal at this age and disciplining like time out really won't work as he doesn't understand. I work in early childhood and I know that we tell staff to observe and shadow the children, making sure that each time biting occurs, it is being reported. What occurred prior to the biting? Was there any observable behavior? How was the biter addressed? How was the victim.

I tend to think that if the nanny was shadowing the children more, that there might be less of these incidents, but I also don't want to blame her as I know what it is like as a former nanny myself of two children. We also do not require any housework, except light chores related to the care of the children which are only to occur during naptime. This is washing and putting away dishes or sippy cups kids used, cleaning counters or putting away toys. Our kids sleep for two hours most days.

With my son, when he was biting my husband and I, I have already done time outs, which don't seem to work, redirecting and placing his own palm to his mouth so he can see that teeth hurt. I have actually witnessed him bite his own hand. He no longer bites us, but is biting at the nanny share child I am not sure what the nanny is doing to address it with my son the biter. She doesn't really give us a lot of information about what is going on during the biting.

I don't like this behavior one bit (no pun intended) and while I realize my son doesn't realize he is hurting his friend, it would kill me as a parent to everyday see bite marks and bruises on my child from the other child in the nanny share. Advice please. I am besides myself with anxiety about this situation. I don't want the other little boy to continue to get bit by my son and I want to make sure this behavior is addressed and corrected. It is making me sick.

[Anonymous]

You need to sit down with your nanny and find out in which situations biting occurs. If he's overtired, annoyed, ignored, etc. Talk to her about how you were taught to deal with biting and how you stopped your child from biting you and your husband. Give her a point by point on what to do each time he bites. Instruct her to let you know at each pick up if there was biting and what she has done. Talk to the nanny.

[Anonymous]

You need to straighten this out with the nanny immediately. If she can't explain why she wasn't telling you about what is happening and/or she can't explain what she's doing to teach your child not to bite and to keep the other child safe, you need to find a new nanny, possibly a new share.

[Anonymous]

I had a biter in a nanny share who would just randomly bite the other little girl. With that kid there really wasn't anything leading up to it, no altercation, no toy theft, nothing. It was just random biting. The mom of the victim would always ask me what led up to it (unlike your nanny I was up front about it even though I hated that it happened and hated that I felt like it made me look bad). I'm not sure she believed me when I said nothing led up to it but it was true. The biter was only about 12 mos old so there really wasn't anything much I could do other than say no biting ad nauseum. That family moved away and the biter got put in day care where she continued to assault others with her teeth and it caused a lot of problems. I think she eventually outgrew it.

My current family has a three year old and 19 month old twins all of whom are biters. Unlike the previous biter, these kids do it out of frustration which is easier to navigate. Usually. You can stick up for them when a toy is stolen, or help them through periods of frustration. It seems to help when they know you'll help them with toy theft or other toddler injustices when they know you're watching and will get the toy back or whatever. One day the nineteen month old boy was on a rabid biting bender all day. It was his mission to bite as much as possible. My legs, feet, shoulders, his siblings, nothing was safe. He would literally follow me around trying to bite. All day. In those circumstances all you can do is firmly say NO BITING!! If necessary, tap his mouth and/or nose and say no biting very firmly. It pisses them off but seems to work. I wish I had thought of it earlier in the day.

Does your son normally use a pacifier when in bed? If so it might be worth trying to use it during the day to see if that helps. He might have an oral fixation that isn't being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a biter in a nanny share who would just randomly bite the other little girl. With that kid there really wasn't anything leading up to it, no altercation, no toy theft, nothing. It was just random biting. The mom of the victim would always ask me what led up to it (unlike your nanny I was up front about it even though I hated that it happened and hated that I felt like it made me look bad). I'm not sure she believed me when I said nothing led up to it but it was true. The biter was only about 12 mos old so there really wasn't anything much I could do other than say no biting ad nauseum. That family moved away and the biter got put in day care where she continued to assault others with her teeth and it caused a lot of problems. I think she eventually outgrew it.

My current family has a three year old and 19 month old twins all of whom are biters. Unlike the previous biter, these kids do it out of frustration which is easier to navigate. Usually. You can stick up for them when a toy is stolen, or help them through periods of frustration. It seems to help when they know you'll help them with toy theft or other toddler injustices when they know you're watching and will get the toy back or whatever. One day the nineteen month old boy was on a rabid biting bender all day. It was his mission to bite as much as possible. My legs, feet, shoulders, his siblings, nothing was safe. He would literally follow me around trying to bite. All day. In those circumstances all you can do is firmly say NO BITING!! If necessary, tap his mouth and/or nose and say no biting very firmly. It pisses them off but seems to work. I wish I had thought of it earlier in the day.

Does your son normally use a pacifier when in bed? If so it might be worth trying to use it during the day to see if that helps. He might have an oral fixation that isn't being met.

You are hilarious, PP!

[Anonymous]

Thanks Nannies. My son doesn't use a pacifier but is breastfed. He never took to a pacifier. While he is in the process of weaning, he breastfeeds in the AM and at bedtime. Other times he drinks milk from a sippy cup or water bottle.

[Anonymous]

I know I would not allow my child to be repeatedly victimized by a biting child.

It's not normal behavior. It's aggressive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to straighten this out with the nanny immediately. If she can't explain why she wasn't telling you about what is happening and/or she can't explain what she's doing to teach your child not to bite and to keep the other child safe, you need to find a new nanny, possibly a new share.

you are hilarious! that is not a nannys job to discipline the child....The people give him a birth are responsible for his behavior. They need to sit talk to their child.. ^^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I would not allow my child to be repeatedly victimized by a biting child.

It's not normal behavior. It's aggressive behavior.

It IS normal at that age. That doesn't mean ALL kids will do it. But it does need to be addressed or it will continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to straighten this out with the nanny immediately. If she can't explain why she wasn't telling you about what is happening and/or she can't explain what she's doing to teach your child not to bite and to keep the other child safe, you need to find a new nanny, possibly a new share.

you are hilarious! that is not a nannys job to discipline the child....The people give him a birth are responsible for his behavior. They need to sit talk to their child.. ^^^

Excuse me? Any caregiver, whether childcare teacher, preschool teacher, parent or nanny's JOB is to guide and discipline the child - to help them learn to develop positive behaviors, control themselves and their urges, and to use their words, not be aggressive, be a good friend, etc.

Of COURSE it's the nanny's job! It's also the parent's job, the teacher's job, etc.

So funny. Now, this doesn't mean the nanny spanks or hits - but displines isn't about hitting/spanking it's about teaching a child what to do instead or better, and to learn to do that thing, to replace the anti-social hitting, biting, kicking, pinching, spitting behaviors to using words, taking a deep breath, counting to 5, walking away, etc.

Saying No biting" and removing the child from the situation might be appropriate. Also saying "No biting, tell Larla that was your doll" would also be appropriate. Not allowing the kids to hug and wrestle when that turns into biting would also be appropriate. All of that is guidance and discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I would not allow my child to be repeatedly victimized by a biting child.

It's not normal behavior. It's aggressive behavior.

It IS normal at that age. That doesn't mean ALL kids will do it. But it does need to be addressed or it will continue.

BITING is just as "normal" as HITTING, which is also AGGRESSIVE behavior.

STOP making EXCUSES.