Do parents really understand?
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Anonymous
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Do most parents really understand the bond a nanny and child can have?
And that when your job comes to end you will grieve and know your work will begin again with another but that each of your charges will never really be forgotten That our love for your children doesn't end with the day a job does. |
Anonymous
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OP is so right. I've worked 60 hour weeks for years on end, only to become "no longer" needed. I was the child's primary caregiver since day one. Was hired before the birth of their first child, just to get the house organized the way I wanted.
If parents studied the consequences of suddenly severed attachments in early childhood, I can't imagine they'd be so unintentionally(?) callous. Isn't there a book called, "The Other Mother"? |
Anonymous
| Most parents do understand. However most parents do not post comments online. |
Anonymous
If you are a parent who understands, what do you do to maintain some sort of continued relationship between an "attached" former nanny and your child? How long did the nanny care for your child? Kudos to you for your sensitivity to this, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. |
Anonymous
First nanny moved away after 2 years (husband got amazing job across the country). We skyped for awhile and she would visit when she was in town visiting friends and family. But after awhile contact kind of fizzled out. Second nanny was employed for 3 years and then we no longer needed her at the hours she needed. She still regularly babysits and attends some kids' events (it's been a little under a year since she left us) |
Anonymous
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I believe that most parents understand, and want, a strong connection between nanny and child. Isn't that one of the primary reasons for hiring a nanny rather than sending a child to daycare?
Our first nanny was with us for more than 3 years, until it became clear that twin preschoolers was too much for her physically to manage. We made the necessary change, helped her find another great position with a newborn, and she still comes to our kids' b'day parties, sees them regularly, etc... The new nanny is a great fit for where they are developmentally but has a totally different approach. I fully expect she'll maintain some level of contact with us (if she chooses) after her employment ends in another year or two. We will welcome and support that ongoing connection. I think there is some difference between caring for a newborn for several years, versus caring for a somewhat older child. And that the level of attachment and skills that go into those various stages may differ also. But I wish more nannies on this board had a better understanding of the scope of their role and inherent difference in being a nanny than a parent. Yes there is, and should be, attachment, but most nanny jobs are only a few years. Some of those years are incredibly important times in terms of nurturing but not years when children actually remember much so transitions that happen when a child is only a year old might actually be far less traumatic for a child than one at 3 or 4. But all transitions can be managed, and changes in caregivers do not have to be awful. Well meaning people who work well together can ensure fairly calm, easy transitions that are positives for the kids. Sometimes you're doing a disservice to the child in maintaining a caregiver who is not longer the best fit. A nanny should not perceive him/herself as "the other parent". If you do then you're not maintaining appropriate boundaries and perspective on your job. Parents understand this difference, most nannies understand this difference, and kids ABSOLUTELY know the difference between a nanny and a parent (even in truly abusive households a child will always choose a parent. Always.) |
Anonymous
| I'm afraid 9:57 sounds a bit as if she's in denial/defensive mode. |
Anonymous
| I've formed bonds with all my charges but with appropriate boundaries. I rarely have contact with my former charges, mostly because they've moved on to different phases in their lives. I love my current charges but one day this job will end like all the others. I will miss them, of course, but they're not my children so I don't feel grieving is necessary. No one died. I'm a great nanny but I'm also a mother and my child is who I give my unconditional love to, much like these parents whom you say don't understand. I feel some nannies form unhealthy attachments and the parents see that. These kids aren't yours...so move on. Not trying to be snarky...just being straightforward. |
Anonymous
Too much time on DCUM - it makes me gun shy about attempting to answer anything. |
Anonymous
Perfect. Every word of this is spot on. |
Anonymous
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" I attended a wedding a few years ago. The nanny who stayed with the family for years stood next to the two parents (by then long divorced) for the marriage of the girl they had all raised. "
^ this. My nanny is at times a better parent than me or my husband. Especially with discipline. I am secure enough to not only admit this but value it. I first looked at hiring a nanny as I would my work place. Find someone better than me to do the things I couldn't. That model has made my business thrive and you know what its also made my home thrive. It takes a village to raise a child is the motto my grandparents and parents had. And my village is my immediate family and our nanny who has become family. Not by blood but by tears shed for my child's first heart break, by the joy of my sons first steps, by the dedication to the adults my children will become. We love our nanny just as much if not more than she loves our kids. And WE would grieve when that day comes to say goodbye. She is someone we would want to stand by us at our kids weddings, honored at bar mitzvahs, and remembered through photos and stories. By the way- the quote is from a remarkable article http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/magazine/nannies-love-money-and-other-peoples-children.html?_r=0&referer=https://www.google.com/ |
Anonymous
Some parents feel blessed when they find a nanny who treats her charge "as her own." I guess you wouldn't be that sort of nanny. |
Anonymous
Your children are truly blessed to be so loved. |
Anonymous
There is room for all kinds of nannies out there. If nannies treated children as their own, some of them wouldn't be as effective. Sometimes it's easier to discipline, tutor and set boundaries for a non-parent and you get better cooperation from the child. |
Anonymous
The best parents and the best nannies are the ones who have the ability to best meet the real needs of the individual child before them. |