Do parents really understand?

[Anonymous]

I form strong bonds with my charges but once the job is over I move on. Yes I miss them but after a month or 2 I'm over it and I don't miss them anymore.

[Anonymous]

I have only ever done long term jobs. I work from infancy-young adulthood and yes it is one of the hardest things to leave a child you have loved and cared for. Maybe its different for those who care for older children or aren't with their charges long term. A year or two...sure get over it. 10+ years....isn't so easy.

Find those parents who appreciate what you do everyday. Never work for anyone who thinks you are just earning a pay check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have only ever done long term jobs. I work from infancy-young adulthood and yes it is one of the hardest things to leave a child you have loved and cared for. Maybe its different for those who care for older children or aren't with their charges long term. A year or two...sure get over it. 10+ years....isn't so easy.

Find those parents who appreciate what you do everyday. Never work for anyone who thinks you are just earning a pay check.

This isn't a contradiction. I can appreciate what a nanny does but I don't doubt she's doing it to earn a paycheck. Of course she is! It's a job, she's not doing it as a hobby. I don't see earning a paycheck as a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

I think some nannies think they're more bonded and the children are more attached to them than is really the case. Many kids go to the same daycare from ages of 12 weeks (or younger) to age 3 or 4 or 5. Then they move - either on to elementary school or even out of state. They never see those daycare workers again, and they thrive in life despite that. But I think some nannies feel better thinking the kids they nannied are moping around missing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe that most parents understand, and want, a strong connection between nanny and child. Isn't that one of the primary reasons for hiring a nanny rather than sending a child to daycare?

Our first nanny was with us for more than 3 years, until it became clear that twin preschoolers was too much for her physically to manage. We made the necessary change, helped her find another great position with a newborn, and she still comes to our kids' b'day parties, sees them regularly, etc... The new nanny is a great fit for where they are developmentally but has a totally different approach. I fully expect she'll maintain some level of contact with us (if she chooses) after her employment ends in another year or two. We will welcome and support that ongoing connection.

I think there is some difference between caring for a newborn for several years, versus caring for a somewhat older child. And that the level of attachment and skills that go into those various stages may differ also.

But I wish more nannies on this board had a better understanding of the scope of their role and inherent difference in being a nanny than a parent. Yes there is, and should be, attachment, but most nanny jobs are only a few years. Some of those years are incredibly important times in terms of nurturing but not years when children actually remember much so transitions that happen when a child is only a year old might actually be far less traumatic for a child than one at 3 or 4. But all transitions can be managed, and changes in caregivers do not have to be awful. Well meaning people who work well together can ensure fairly calm, easy transitions that are positives for the kids. Sometimes you're doing a disservice to the child in maintaining a caregiver who is not longer the best fit.

A nanny should not perceive him/herself as "the other parent". If you do then you're not maintaining appropriate boundaries and perspective on your job. Parents understand this difference, most nannies understand this difference, and kids ABSOLUTELY know the difference between a nanny and a parent (even in truly abusive households a child will always choose a parent. Always.)

As a nanny I agree with 90% of this. However in a neglectful or abusive environment the child will not choose the parent over an attentive nanny. Especially if said nanny is full time. I unfortunately have 1st hand experience with a neglectful single parent. When it came time for me to leave I know those children will have attachment issues their whole lives due to his poor parenting and then their primary care giver(me) leaving. I have guilt over leaving this job still ,however the environment was toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've formed bonds with all my charges but with appropriate boundaries. I rarely have contact with my former charges, mostly because they've moved on to different phases in their lives. I love my current charges but one day this job will end like all the others. I will miss them, of course, but they're not my children so I don't feel grieving is necessary. No one died. I'm a great nanny but I'm also a mother and my child is who I give my unconditional love to, much like these parents whom you say don't understand. I feel some nannies form unhealthy attachments and the parents see that. These kids aren't yours...so move on. Not trying to be snarky...just being straightforward.

Some parents feel blessed when they find a nanny who treats her charge "as her own." I guess you wouldn't be that sort of nanny.

You're being very presumptuous as to what sort of nanny I am. My charges are loved and cared for and in some ways I treat them better than my own kid. However, they are NOT mine and that's where boundaries come in. It would creep me out if someone was acting like my child was theirs and I wouldn't do that to others.

[Anonymous]

To answer the original question, when my child is 1.5 or 2, I plan to move him to a daycare/preschool and I'll slowly let him get used to it by keeping the nanny employed for several months and then ideally I'd like to employ her 1-2 per month on the weekends and slowly scale back but keep in touch for years (if she is willing)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe that most parents understand, and want, a strong connection between nanny and child. Isn't that one of the primary reasons for hiring a nanny rather than sending a child to daycare?

Our first nanny was with us for more than 3 years, until it became clear that twin preschoolers was too much for her physically to manage. We made the necessary change, helped her find another great position with a newborn, and she still comes to our kids' b'day parties, sees them regularly, etc... The new nanny is a great fit for where they are developmentally but has a totally different approach. I fully expect she'll maintain some level of contact with us (if she chooses) after her employment ends in another year or two. We will welcome and support that ongoing connection.

I think there is some difference between caring for a newborn for several years, versus caring for a somewhat older child. And that the level of attachment and skills that go into those various stages may differ also.

But I wish more nannies on this board had a better understanding of the scope of their role and inherent difference in being a nanny than a parent. Yes there is, and should be, attachment, but most nanny jobs are only a few years. Some of those years are incredibly important times in terms of nurturing but not years when children actually remember much so transitions that happen when a child is only a year old might actually be far less traumatic for a child than one at 3 or 4. But all transitions can be managed, and changes in caregivers do not have to be awful. Well meaning people who work well together can ensure fairly calm, easy transitions that are positives for the kids. Sometimes you're doing a disservice to the child in maintaining a caregiver who is not longer the best fit.

A nanny should not perceive him/herself as "the other parent". If you do then you're not maintaining appropriate boundaries and perspective on your job. Parents understand this difference, most nannies understand this difference, and kids ABSOLUTELY know the difference between a nanny and a parent (even in truly abusive households a child will always choose a parent. Always.)

Actually, the child won't always choose a parent, that's just what all the adults wish they would do, including the nanny. 2-4 year olds are notorious for doing exactly what you wish they wouldn't just at the worst moment. Oh, and when a parent advertises for a partner in parenting, I assume that they know what they want. No, it may not be what you want, but that's your prerogative. I find it very interesting that so many parents feel the need to dictate boundaries for other parents and their nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I attended a wedding a few years ago. The nanny who stayed with the family for years stood next to the two parents (by then long divorced) for the marriage of the girl they had all raised. "

^ this.

My nanny is at times a better parent than me or my husband. Especially with discipline. I am secure enough to not only admit this but value it. I first looked at hiring a nanny as I would my work place. Find someone better than me to do the things I couldn't. That model has made my business thrive and you know what its also made my home thrive.

It takes a village to raise a child is the motto my grandparents and parents had. And my village is my immediate family and our nanny who has become family. Not by blood but by tears shed for my child's first heart break, by the joy of my sons first steps, by the dedication to the adults my children will become.

We love our nanny just as much if not more than she loves our kids. And WE would grieve when that day comes to say goodbye. She is someone we would want to stand by us at our kids weddings, honored at bar mitzvahs, and remembered through photos and stories.

By the way- the quote is from a remarkable article
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/magazine/nannies-love-money-and-other-peoples-children.html?_r=0&referer=https://www.google.com/

God bless this family ! Unique family in their heart I enjoy reading the ad !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I attended a wedding a few years ago. The nanny who stayed with the family for years stood next to the two parents (by then long divorced) for the marriage of the girl they had all raised. "

^ this.

My nanny is at times a better parent than me or my husband. Especially with discipline. I am secure enough to not only admit this but value it. I first looked at hiring a nanny as I would my work place. Find someone better than me to do the things I couldn't. That model has made my business thrive and you know what its also made my home thrive.

It takes a village to raise a child is the motto my grandparents and parents had. And my village is my immediate family and our nanny who has become family. Not by blood but by tears shed for my child's first heart break, by the joy of my sons first steps, by the dedication to the adults my children will become.

We love our nanny just as much if not more than she loves our kids. And WE would grieve when that day comes to say goodbye. She is someone we would want to stand by us at our kids weddings, honored at bar mitzvahs, and remembered through photos and stories.

By the way- the quote is from a remarkable article
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/magazine/nannies-love-money-and-other-peoples-children.html?_r=0&referer=https://www.google.com/

God bless this family ! Unique family in their heart I enjoy reading the ad !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've formed bonds with all my charges but with appropriate boundaries. I rarely have contact with my former charges, mostly because they've moved on to different phases in their lives. I love my current charges but one day this job will end like all the others. I will miss them, of course, but they're not my children so I don't feel grieving is necessary. No one died. I'm a great nanny but I'm also a mother and my child is who I give my unconditional love to, much like these parents whom you say don't understand. I feel some nannies form unhealthy attachments and the parents see that. These kids aren't yours...so move on. Not trying to be snarky...just being straightforward.

Some parents feel blessed when they find a nanny who treats her charge "as her own." I guess you wouldn't be that sort of nanny.

You're being very presumptuous as to what sort of nanny I am. My charges are loved and cared for and in some ways I treat them better than my own kid. However, they are NOT mine and that's where boundaries come in. It would creep me out if someone was acting like my child was theirs and I wouldn't do that to others.

You are missing something here they never been.. They will never be like my child sorry you are so rude to think that way! I would treat them just like mine that probably makes sense !not everybody or all nannys think like the way you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I attended a wedding a few years ago. The nanny who stayed with the family for years stood next to the two parents (by then long divorced) for the marriage of the girl they had all raised. "

^ this.

My nanny is at times a better parent than me or my husband. Especially with discipline. I am secure enough to not only admit this but value it. I first looked at hiring a nanny as I would my work place. Find someone better than me to do the things I couldn't. That model has made my business thrive and you know what its also made my home thrive.

It takes a village to raise a child is the motto my grandparents and parents had. And my village is my immediate family and our nanny who has become family. Not by blood but by tears shed for my child's first heart break, by the joy of my sons first steps, by the dedication to the adults my children will become.

We love our nanny just as much if not more than she loves our kids. And WE would grieve when that day comes to say goodbye. She is someone we would want to stand by us at our kids weddings, honored at bar mitzvahs, and remembered through photos and stories.

By the way- the quote is from a remarkable article
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/magazine/nannies-love-money-and-other-peoples-children.html?_r=0&referer=https://www.google.com/

Your children are truly blessed to be so loved.

[Anonymous]

Go spend some time working in the child services world. You will be astonished at the dominance of parents in a child's life. No matter how awful the abuse a child wants a parent.

Which is not at all what's being discussed here, or in 99% of nannying circumstances, but decent parents trump the worlds best nanny in a childs' view. Maybe not in the middle of a three year old tantrum - sure, but when a child wants comfort and permanence they look to a parent.

Sorry. Have your own kids if that's what you're looking for. If you're a sane, loving caregiver then I will welcome you into my family and be thrilled you love my child. But you are still being paid to do a job. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go spend some time working in the child services world. You will be astonished at the dominance of parents in a child's life. No matter how awful the abuse a child wants a parent.

Which is not at all what's being discussed here, or in 99% of nannying circumstances, but decent parents trump the worlds best nanny in a childs' view. Maybe not in the middle of a three year old tantrum - sure, but when a child wants comfort and permanence they look to a parent.

Sorry. Have your own kids if that's what you're looking for. If you're a sane, loving caregiver then I will welcome you into my family and be thrilled you love my child. But you are still being paid to do a job. Period.

You actually can't buy real love. If your child has a nanny who loves him/her, count your blessings and treat her like gold.

That's what smart parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go spend some time working in the child services world. You will be astonished at the dominance of parents in a child's life. No matter how awful the abuse a child wants a parent.

Which is not at all what's being discussed here, or in 99% of nannying circumstances, but decent parents trump the worlds best nanny in a childs' view. Maybe not in the middle of a three year old tantrum - sure, but when a child wants comfort and permanence they look to a parent.

Sorry. Have your own kids if that's what you're looking for. If you're a sane, loving caregiver then I will welcome you into my family and be thrilled you love my child. But you are still being paid to do a job. Period.

You actually can't buy real love. If your child has a nanny who loves him/her, count your blessings and treat her like gold.

That's what smart parents do.

Of course. I wouldn't hire someone who I didn't think would grow to love my child. But I don't expect anyone to do it for free and I don't expect (or want) a nanny to feel the same way about my kids as she would about her own.