Was this wording too harsh?

[Anonymous]

I just got bitched out by my MB for telling her 6 year old I was disappointed in his behavior. He blatantly lied to me about eating his various when he just threw them away in the trash. I said verbatim in a calm voice, "why did you lie to me? You know lying is not okay and I'm really disappointed that you lied to me. I think you owe me an apology." MB was in her office and overheard and came right out. She asked what happened, I told her and she proceeded to tell me I was completely out of line. What do you all think?

[Anonymous]

What did she want you to say instead?

[Anonymous]

She didn't tell me what I should have said. Just that my words were WAY too harsh and that I was completely out of line saying that to him. I actually feel like I handled it really well as lying is a HUGE deal to me. I make sure to never lie to the kids, even though it would be much easier to lie. When I said that to MB she said I was completely overreacting and that throwing away carrots was not a big deal. I tried to explain that the throwing away part wasn't the big deal, but the lying was. She refused to listened and then her phone rang and she answered it on the first ring and literally just turned her chair back around and ignored me so I walked out. I'm pretty upset right now but wanted to hear everyone's opinion on whether my wording was too harsh.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your wording was harsh at all. However, I've noticed parents don't seem to like it when you demand an apology from their kid; I wonder if that was the part she was upset by? I'm trying to remember what the exact circumstances were, but I distinctly remember dealing with a six year old who was not behaving well, (something like just saying "no" to everything I asked him to help with, etc). And I remember asking him for an apology, and MB who happened to be right there, told me she was "disappointed in how I handled that."

I do think you said the right thing, and would consider the rude way MB spoke to you to be a big red flag.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it well. I had the same situation once with a younger child and handled it similar though I did a time out since that was the parent preferred choice of disciplin. The parents thought I handled it well. I was an Su pair at the time.

Seeing how she undermined you in front of a six year old, I would be looking for a new job. He's gonna live it up now that he knows mom will come and protect him. Especially on days when she's home.

[Anonymous]

She called you on it in front of the kid? I would have huge issues with that.

No you weren't too harsh. He did lie. Maybe next time (because he will lie again, especially now) rephrase it and tell him you know he didn't tell you the truth, and why didn't he?

I wouldn't let this go, though. What exactly did she think was too harsh? There also needs to be a better approach than dealing with it in front of a six year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just got bitched out by my MB for telling her 6 year old I was disappointed in his behavior. He blatantly lied to me about eating his various when he just threw them away in the trash. I said verbatim in a calm voice, "why did you lie to me? You know lying is not okay and I'm really disappointed that you lied to me. I think you owe me an apology." MB was in her office and overheard and came right out. She asked what happened, I told her and she proceeded to tell me I was completely out of line. What do you all think?

I don't think your wording was too harsh, but you asked a dumb question. You're never supposed to ask a question you already know the answer to. You know damn well he lied to you because he was trying to get away with not having to eat something. You addressed the wrong issue. You were asking for an apology for lying, but the real issue was wasting food.

Ask your MB how she'd like you to handle it in the future if her son lies to you again, or tries to get away with a rule she's laid out and you're trying to enforce in your role as nanny.

[Anonymous]

I had a reply all posted, but now it's gone. Essentially what I said was... I don't think your wording was especially harsh, but I do think you handled this poorly. You shouldn't ask a child why they're lying and a 6yo is too old for forced apologies. What is the point? And also, kids lie. It's a normal part of their development. We need to teach them what's right, of course, but if you have a "HUGE" issue with lying you're probably not a good nanny for the 4+ ages.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I suggested you select a few books on child development - start with 5-7. There are about a million to choose from.

[Anonymous]

*ages 5-7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I suggested you select a few books on child development - start with 5-7. There are about a million to choose from.

Different poster here - I think Nurture Shock has a chapter on how lying is developmentally appropriate. It's considered a sign of intelligence in small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just got bitched out by my MB for telling her 6 year old I was disappointed in his behavior. He blatantly lied to me about eating his various when he just threw them away in the trash. I said verbatim in a calm voice, "why did you lie to me? You know lying is not okay and I'm really disappointed that you lied to me. I think you owe me an apology." MB was in her office and overheard and came right out. She asked what happened, I told her and she proceeded to tell me I was completely out of line. What do you all think?

I don't think your wording was too harsh, but you asked a dumb question. You're never supposed to ask a question you already know the answer to. You know damn well he lied to you because he was trying to get away with not having to eat something. You addressed the wrong issue. You were asking for an apology for lying, but the real issue was wasting food.

Ask your MB how she'd like you to handle it in the future if her son lies to you again, or tries to get away with a rule she's laid out and you're trying to enforce in your role as nanny.

You are wrong! As child care professionals it is not uncommon to ask children answers we as ADULTS obviously know the answers to. The point is to make them acknowledge the reason themselves so that it can be corrected. kids waste food all the time and don't want to eat vegetables but lying is the bigger issue especially from a kid as old as 6. That could turn into a big deal and having to say sorry for it will help to realize that lying is an offense just like hitting another person is. You should always ask a child why they did something before you discipline.


Op your mb should've backed you up and this would be a reason to look elsewhere because she clearly doesn't respect you and will undermine you again

[Anonymous]

If you were "corrected" in front of the child then quit. It's over.

Otherwise, if your MB handled it in a calm and constructive way then take the lesson to heart and move on. I am NOT a fan of the "I am disappointed in you" and think it puts the emphasis on your feelings rather than the child's so I would definitely talk to you about your wording when I was alone with you and out of earshot of my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were "corrected" in front of the child then quit. It's over.

Otherwise, if your MB handled it in a calm and constructive way then take the lesson to heart and move on. I am NOT a fan of the "I am disappointed in you" and think it puts the emphasis on your feelings rather than the child's so I would definitely talk to you about your wording when I was alone with you and out of earshot of my children.

Oh lord this is what's wrong with the generation coming up. Now we can't let kids know they disappointed an adult when they flat out lie? God forbid a 6 year old know that his actions like not following directions or being dishonest can actually affect how other people feel. *rolls eyes*

The situation involved the nanny also so yes he disappointed her by lying, it won't cause him deep emotional damage but coddling kids and making them think the world will walk on egg shells for them will.

That's where we get these criminals from. People thinking they can do what ever with no consequences. Granted throwing away se green beans won' do it at all lol but give me a break

[Anonymous]

OP here: I have a degree in child development from a prestigious university in California. I'm positive that qualifies me to work with young children. I asked a question that I THOUGHT I knew the answer too, but kids have been known to surprise me with their answers. I also believe children should have to think about the reasons they do the things they do. I did not FORCE an apology, I told him I thought he owed me one. There's a big difference. Had MB not interrupted me I was planning on turning this into a teaching moment about lying and then taking responsibility for it, especially when caught. I don't get these parents that want to completely coddle their children from ever thinking they could do anything wrong. They are the everyone gets a trophy, everything has to be fair type of parents so I knew things like this would come up. But I NEVER expected to be called out in front of a child. That part bothered me the most for sure! However I wanted to come on here first to see what others thought oft wording. Although short of me screaming at him or telling him he's a bad kid I don't think the parents should ever call me out in front of the kid. I have been thinking more and more that this isn't a good fit with this family and this is definitely the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll be handing them my letter of resignation tomorrow.