Advice On How To Talk To Employers After Some Awkwardness. Long

[Anonymous]

Some backstory:

I am a part time nanny for 3 kids. Initially, my hours were going to be set for about 20 a week after a month but that changed as mb's schedule was going to be all over the place. I wasn't a fan of working varied hours but we made an agreement that I would get paid at minimum for 15 hours a week whether I was needed or not and I'd know up to 3-4 months in advance my schedule. Cool.

I was going along with this despite mb having to change the schedule after initially giving me a different one at times, as well as canceling a day here and there with a few days or one day notice. I didn't like it but let it go. We have a pretty good relationship. I enjoy being with the kids and the parents are nice and welcoming people.

Long story short, last week I wasn't feeling well but 100% was still planning on going into work. I called mb to ask her if she would be fine if I didn't take kids out for an outing and instead stayed at the home as she'd wanted me to take them out so she could have time to herself while off of work. Before I could ask to say that, she said she thought it was better I stayed home so I didn't get her or the kids sick. I asked if she was sure because I was never planning on staying home and she said yes. Last week I was only scheduled for 10 hours. She asked if she could just pay me for the 6 hours I worked. I paused and said yes but was pretty upset and disappointed. In almost a year of working with them, it was my first time not coming in because I myself wasn't feeling well and while we didn't go over paid sick days, I was honestly surprised that after one time, it was grounds for not paying for a 15 hour week. I regularly take the kids out and never ask for gas money as well as taking them out for lunch, etc without expectation of repayment often. After the constant schedule changes, canceled days then this, I decided I would give notice.

I was scheduled this week for about 40 hours but on Sunday mb texts that I'm only needed for 8 hours (15 hours payment.) This made me even more upset on top of the sick day issue and admittedly, my texts with her were very short, meaning 'yes, no, okay, etc.'

I came in today and spoke with mb for a minute on the phone then a few seconds when leaving. Db calls me about 5 minutes later asking if everything was okay because mb thinks I was being cold. I was surprised because I didn't say anything rude to her but I guess my negative vibe was obvious. I said everything was fine. He repeatedly was asking. I kept saying everything was fine and I'd talk later.

I was planning on giving 6 weeks notice as I figured that would give employers plenty of time to find a replacement but after the phone call, I don't even know how to see them again without spewing my frustration, and more awkwardness. They are a good family and kind hearted and I'm embarrassed now that my negativity made mb feel bad but I have to do what's best for me financially.

Any advice on how to get over this awkwardness without making it difficult for myself and them to work together for the next few weeks - if they would like. I'm fine If I leave before 6 weeks.

Thank you and I apologize for the long winded post.

[Anonymous]

Have you told them you were leaving yet?

[Anonymous]

Just give your notice as calmly as possible. If they ask why - tell them the truth. Again, calmly and without anger.

MB sensing that you are upset will work in your favor - she is not going to be surprised.

The only way to get over awkwardness is to stop acting awkward.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to beat you up, but I really hope that you learn from this experience. Everything you list here is something that is essentially your fault and that you could have worked to prevent. Multiple times they came up with arrangements that did not actually work for you, but you said fine, whatever. Now you are quitting a job under bad circumstances and possibly burning a bridge with them because you are so frustrated that you are copping an attitude, intentionally or not. If something doe multiple times they came up with arrangements that did not actually work for you, but you said fine, whatever. Now you are quitting a job under bad circumstances and possibly burning a bridge with them because you are so frustrated that you are copping an attitude, intentionally or not. if something doesn't work for you, you need to speak up calmly and politely but firmly right then and find a solution that does work for everyone. If you had done that on the many occasions where they have blown you off in the past, you would have an actual good relationship with the family instead of a relationship that depends upon you getting a raw deal.

[Anonymous]

Really long post to say "I only worked 6 hours and MB wants to only pay me for 6 hours! Help."

Plus you need to work on your communication. You sound like a child just saying yes, no, ok and never advocating for yourself. You say ok to a request and then become passive aggressive and cold (enough so that MB called her husband after speaking with you for 60 seconds.......) I'm really surprised you haven't simply been let go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the input.

Yes, I have spoken with mb previously about scheduling me and then having to cancel a few weeks ago. Her response was along the lines of "if we could pay you for x amount of hours scheduled, we would but if I am canceled on myself, I don't get paid" and we'd just left it at that.

I definitely should not have let my negative feelings affect my communication with them and was in the wrong. All communication with them going forward, I plan on trying to be cordial as possible. As far as burning bridges, not worried if I'm able to use them as a reference or not.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

If you want to leave on as good terms as possible you need to have a direct, clear and gracious conversation.

"Dear Jane and Bob, I have really enjoyed working for you, and your great kids. I've so enjoyed spending time with them. However, I'm finding that I need a more reliable schedule, and more work hours. So I will be looking for a new job in the coming weeks and my last week with you will be July X. "

Then let them respond. There is no blame necessary here - they need a level of flexibility that doesn't work well for you. So it isn't a good fit. You can all be great people and still acknowledge that it isn't a good fit.

Giving them 6 weeks notice is MORE than gracious and a lovely gesture. If they opt not to use all of that, and that isn't a hardship for you, great.

It definitely does sound like your resentment built up to a level that was impacting your behavior and that isn't good. Try to reset that dynamic and just be honest about what you need in a job.

Good luck.

- MB

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you pp. You are correct that I let my resentment build up and I shouldn't have done that. They really are nice and lovely people and I wish to part on good terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Initially, my hours were going to be set for about 20 a week after a month but that changed as mb's schedule was going to be all over the place. I wasn't a fan of working varied hours but we made an agreement that I would get paid at minimum for 15 hours a week whether I was needed or not and I'd know up to 3-4 months in advance my schedule. Cool.

I was going along with this despite mb having to change the schedule after initially giving me a different one at times, as well as canceling a day here and there with a few days or one day notice. I didn't like it but let it go. We have a pretty good relationship. I enjoy being with the kids and the parents are nice and welcoming people.

Long story short, last week I wasn't feeling well but 100% was still planning on going into work. I called mb to ask her if she would be fine if I didn't take kids out for an outing and instead stayed at the home as she'd wanted me to take them out so she could have time to herself while off of work. Before I could ask to say that, she said she thought it was better I stayed home so I didn't get her or the kids sick. I asked if she was sure because I was never planning on staying home and she said yes. Last week I was only scheduled for 10 hours. She asked if she could just pay me for the 6 hours I worked. I paused and said yes but was pretty upset and disappointed. In almost a year of working with them, it was my first time not coming in because I myself wasn't feeling well and while we didn't go over paid sick days, I was honestly surprised that after one time, it was grounds for not paying for a 15 hour week. I regularly take the kids out and never ask for gas money as well as taking them out for lunch, etc without expectation of repayment often. After the constant schedule changes, canceled days then this, I decided I would give notice.

I was scheduled this week for about 40 hours but on Sunday mb texts that I'm only needed for 8 hours (15 hours payment.) This made me even more upset on top of the sick day issue and admittedly, my texts with her were very short, meaning 'yes, no, okay, etc.'

I came in today and spoke with mb for a minute on the phone then a few seconds when leaving. Db calls me about 5 minutes later asking if everything was okay because mb thinks I was being cold. I was surprised because I didn't say anything rude to her but I guess my negative vibe was obvious. I said everything was fine. He repeatedly was asking. I kept saying everything was fine and I'd talk later.

I was planning on giving 6 weeks notice as I figured that would give employers plenty of time to find a replacement but after the phone call, I don't even know how to see them again without spewing my frustration, and more awkwardness. They are a good family and kind hearted and I'm embarrassed now that my negativity made mb feel bad but I have to do what's best for me financially.

Any advice on how to get over this awkwardness without making it difficult for myself and them to work together for the next few weeks - if they would like. I'm fine If I leave before 6 weeks.

Thank you and I apologize for the long winded post.

----------

I have spoken with mb previously about scheduling me and then having to cancel a few weeks ago. Her response was along the lines of "if we could pay you for x amount of hours scheduled, we would but if I am canceled on myself, I don't get paid" and we'd just left it at that.

I definitely should not have let my negative feelings affect my communication with them and was in the wrong. All communication with them going forward, I plan on trying to be cordial as possible. As far as burning bridges, not worried if I'm able to use them as a reference or not

There are so many issues with this situation. First, why didn't you find another job when she started changing the schedule after only a month?

Second, if a family is reserving hours by giving you a schedule, they need to pay half time (minimum) if they cancel with less than a week's notice, because you don't have enough time to find something else with such short notice (I might let Thursday and Friday slide if she texted Sunday, but Monday-Wednesday would be at least half time. It makes no difference whether she is paid when something is cancelled; maybe she needs to find a selection of sitters that she can call as needed the day before, when she knows she actually needs them. That or be willing to pay for all reserved hours. With such a varying schedule, I'm wondering why in the world you and she were trying to do a schedule 3-4 months in advance.

Third, you need to advocate for yourself. If you don't like something, you need to say so, let her know why and then let her know whether or not you will go along with it. Stop saying you're fine with the situation being changed constantly when you aren't.

Fourth, there is zero reason for you not to be reimbursed. Forget about the gas, they need to reimburse mileage. And if you take the kids out, whether it's food or activities, the parents should be reimbursing you. It is not the nanny's responsibility to pay for food or activities out of pocket.

Fifth, if you weren't planning on calling in sick, why in the world did you call and give her the opportunity to stay home? If I'm not feeling good but don't intend to take a sick day, I go in. If the parent decides to not have me around the kids, that's their choice, and they will pay full rate for the day, because I'm healthy enough to work. Regardless of whether sick pays are paid or unpaid for you, that was ridiculous of her.

Sixth, by definition, texts are short. On Sunday, yours might have been shorter than normal, but if MB wanted a full conversation, she could have called rather than texting. Now, the conversations that were short are a different story. MB knew something was wrong, DB knew something was wrong, yet you kept saying everything was fine, which it wasn't. The only way a NF-nanny relationship works is with decent communication, and while they haven't been following through, neither have you.

Seventh, you need to change your attitude. Either you want to stay and give them time to find someone else, and if so, you need to think about why you like them. If you don't want to stay that long, give them 2 weeks, but still you need to have a better attitude until you leave.

Eighth (and last, I promise!), find yourself a position that is equitable to both sides. That means you need a contract, and make sure that it covers sick days, cancellations, guaranteed hours, reimbursement for mileage and anything you do with the kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Considering your reliability with them as well as you going above and beyond for this family financially, she is being cheap and selfish to dock your pay.

I think it is wrong of her to do so, and now things are understandably awkward between you two.

Either you sit down with her and attempt a "break the ice" conversation where you both admit things are a little uncomfortable, but not to the point that you cannot work it out.

Or you can simply cut your losses and move on. Sure, six week's notice is great, but if she isn't holding up her end of your agreement (by not paying you your guaranteed 15 Hr. per week salary), then you are not obligated to work another second for her.

Once she breaks the agreement, it is broken. Period.

[Anonymous]

Classic case of Working for a family that wants to keep up with the jones. They want a nanny but can't afford one and you've gotten used to the family and don't want to find another. It's never a good experience working for a family that nickels and dimes you. If you've been with them for this long they should have some sort of paid time for you. Otherwise they see you as a babysitter and NOT a nanny that has a career and lifestyle to maintain. Agreeing to a Minimum of 15 hours a week pay and on top of that they switch the hours around which makes it impossible to have another job etc, says to them that you don't NEED this income. As silly as it may seem. Learn from this because I had to and now am working for lovely family that appreciates me. One of the first things My new MB said to me is that she thinks what I do is more important than what she does because I take care of her kids. She knows i have bills, a family, need insurance and paid time off for doctor visits, illness or vacations etc. working for people that value you is important


However you were passive aggressive and should've spoken up. Just do so professionally. Now may be the time to lay it out on the table and see where things really stand and if you should leave and when you do what to look for next time.

I would simply ask to have a sit down with them when it's possible and show up with a small rough draft of an "arrangement". Really this is your contract. Let it be in writing all things that matter to you and your family. If knowing your schedule 4 months in advance is important, put it in writing. If being paid a stipend to be available of at least 15 hours is important, put It in writing. Paid holidays? What happens with no school? Bad weather? YOU get sick? Put it in writing.

This forces a family to see themselves as your employer. You're the nanny NOT sitter and this is your job like they have a job. It will make them decide what they need and can afford also. Maybe they should just get a sitter or maybe they need to value who they have. If you leave go to your new employer with the same and compare it with what they have in writing and negotiate if you need. This will also show them you are mature and professional and no dummy that will sit around with the tv on all day.

[Anonymous]

Pp here 22:58

I think you should say to them "hey MB, I spoke with db and wanted to say I didn't mean to come across as cold or distracted earlier. I just have a lot going on and things on mind. But if it would be possible for the three of us to have a small meeting it would be great! If that's not feasible and only one of you are available that's fine also. When do you think Would be a time?"....

If they say "today" lol then you better grab a notebook and jot down your requirements for the position in a hurry! Good

[Anonymous]

*Luck *

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told them you were leaving yet?

Why bother? Just send her an email.