Other toddler in share is a bit of a bully

[Anonymous]

My 18-month old DD is in a nanny share with another 19-month old girl who is a bit tough. She pulls my DD's hair, hits her, etc. She's otherwise a sweet kid and obviously doesn't know what she's doing for the most part, and the nanny and her parents are good about disciplining, but I worry a little bit about my DD, who is quieter and just takes it (though crying), for the most part. I keep telling myself that if she had a sibling, this could happen as well, but should I be more worried about the long-term effects as they spend every day together?

[Anonymous]

First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

[Anonymous]

I've been in your shoes, and I was understanding an accommodating until it reached the point of the other child physically harming mine, and leaving visible bruises & scratches, almost daily. It was my first, so I wasn't sure what was normal and if you read DCUM all day long, you'll think that this totally normal behavior and there's nothing you can do about it.

But then one afternoon I got to see how the father reacted to his daughter hitting mine at pick up - he gave her a hug and while caressing her arm, and told her we should be gentle with our friends. The mother also told me in passing that they don't believe in time outs. Well, with that kind of reward structure, of course the girl wasn't making any progress and was becoming more & more violent as she was aging out of when this could be considered age-appropriate behavior.

So, my lessons learned in all of that are: it's a handful of incidents that peak over the span of a couple weeks = normal, give it time. If the nanny is separating the kids, showering attention on the injured, and giving a time out or some other disincentive to the harmer, AND the parents of the aggressor are on board, re-affirming the message that violence is unacceptable, then you've got yourself a winning situation and as long as the child doesn't have some sort of developmental issues, you can expect the behavior to pass quickly. Conversely, if no one is willing to tell this child no out of fear that it will squash their light, then your child is going to be sacrificial lamb and you get need to get her out of that situation because it will not get better. It only gets worse as the child gets stronger and understands that she can get away with it.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

She is totally a bully. Even if she was 1 minute old with that behavior she is a BULLY. But op I wouldn't worry your dd will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been in your shoes, and I was understanding an accommodating until it reached the point of the other child physically harming mine, and leaving visible bruises & scratches, almost daily. It was my first, so I wasn't sure what was normal and if you read DCUM all day long, you'll think that this totally normal behavior and there's nothing you can do about it.

But then one afternoon I got to see how the father reacted to his daughter hitting mine at pick up - he gave her a hug and while caressing her arm, and told her we should be gentle with our friends. The mother also told me in passing that they don't believe in time outs. Well, with that kind of reward structure, of course the girl wasn't making any progress and was becoming more & more violent as she was aging out of when this could be considered age-appropriate behavior.

So, my lessons learned in all of that are: it's a handful of incidents that peak over the span of a couple weeks = normal, give it time. If the nanny is separating the kids, showering attention on the injured, and giving a time out or some other disincentive to the harmer, AND the parents of the aggressor are on board, re-affirming the message that violence is unacceptable, then you've got yourself a winning situation and as long as the child doesn't have some sort of developmental issues, you can expect the behavior to pass quickly. Conversely, if no one is willing to tell this child no out of fear that it will squash their light, then your child is going to be sacrificial lamb and you get need to get her out of that situation because it will not get better. It only gets worse as the child gets stronger and understands that she can get away with it.

Good luck to you!

OP here - thanks much, this is very helpful. Other posters are right that I shouldn't have used the word bully (I realize now it is a loaded word), but just trying to figure out how to handle this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

[Anonymous]

I'd be concerned, OP. Make sure to have an opportunity for daily communication with the nanny, so she can give you a full daily report.

Your child always being victimized, can in fact cause serious issues down the road.

Please listen to your gut here, OP.

[Anonymous]

I was a nanny in a share with two 2.5 year old girls. One I'd been caring for since infancy, the other I only cared for for 4 months because she was such a pain in the neck around the other girl. She was constantly grabbing toys out of her hand, pushing her down, twice almost pushed her down stairs but I got there just in time. It was awful and I moved on and the girl I had been with since infancy went to school. It was a basic personality clash and that's not something you can easily fix in my opinion. If one or both kids is miserable, cut your losses and move on. There's someone else out there for each of them who they'll get along with better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

Actually, my kid was on the receiving end of biting. Of course, I didn't want her to get bitten, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the other kid, who was a little younger, was a bully, or even a bully in the making. I understood that biting, hitting, and pushing are not unusual behaviors in toddlers. Since the biter's caregivers were on top of things and providing appropriate discipline, the biting stopped and the kid is now one my child's best friends. If you truly think a child under two is a bully, you know nothing about child development.

So, I repeat--if the nanny and the kid's parents are consistently and appropriately disciplining the kid, you can expect this behavior to pass. If they aren't, then I would be concerned. But it sounds like they are. In that case, I would just continue to watch to ensure that progress is being made. Your kid will be fine--indeed, she will be able to see that when someone hits her, they are disciplined, and that she is not left to fend for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

Actually, my kid was on the receiving end of biting. Of course, I didn't want her to get bitten, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the other kid, who was a little younger, was a bully, or even a bully in the making. I understood that biting, hitting, and pushing are not unusual behaviors in toddlers. Since the biter's caregivers were on top of things and providing appropriate discipline, the biting stopped and the kid is now one my child's best friends. If you truly think a child under two is a bully, you know nothing about child development.

So, I repeat--if the nanny and the kid's parents are consistently and appropriately disciplining the kid, you can expect this behavior to pass. If they aren't, then I would be concerned. But it sounds like they are. In that case, I would just continue to watch to ensure that progress is being made. Your kid will be fine--indeed, she will be able to see that when someone hits her, they are disciplined, and that she is not left to fend for herself.

Yeah, sometimes people want to cross their fingers like you. How about if your kid needs stitches, compliments of that poor innocent biter/hitter? You're either a whimp, or the protective parent of a bully child. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

Actually, my kid was on the receiving end of biting. Of course, I didn't want her to get bitten, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the other kid, who was a little younger, was a bully, or even a bully in the making. I understood that biting, hitting, and pushing are not unusual behaviors in toddlers. Since the biter's caregivers were on top of things and providing appropriate discipline, the biting stopped and the kid is now one my child's best friends. If you truly think a child under two is a bully, you know nothing about child development.

So, I repeat--if the nanny and the kid's parents are consistently and appropriately disciplining the kid, you can expect this behavior to pass. If they aren't, then I would be concerned. But it sounds like they are. In that case, I would just continue to watch to ensure that progress is being made. Your kid will be fine--indeed, she will be able to see that when someone hits her, they are disciplined, and that she is not left to fend for herself.

Yeah, sometimes people want to cross their fingers like you. How about if your kid needs stitches, compliments of that poor innocent biter/hitter? You're either a whimp, or the protective parent of a bully child. Which is it?

Where do you even come up with this stuff? You are seriously unhinged, PP, and I doubt are connected to children in any way. Just go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

Actually, my kid was on the receiving end of biting. Of course, I didn't want her to get bitten, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the other kid, who was a little younger, was a bully, or even a bully in the making. I understood that biting, hitting, and pushing are not unusual behaviors in toddlers. Since the biter's caregivers were on top of things and providing appropriate discipline, the biting stopped and the kid is now one my child's best friends. If you truly think a child under two is a bully, you know nothing about child development.

So, I repeat--if the nanny and the kid's parents are consistently and appropriately disciplining the kid, you can expect this behavior to pass. If they aren't, then I would be concerned. But it sounds like they are. In that case, I would just continue to watch to ensure that progress is being made. Your kid will be fine--indeed, she will be able to see that when someone hits her, they are disciplined, and that she is not left to fend for herself.

Yeah, sometimes people want to cross their fingers like you. How about if your kid needs stitches, compliments of that poor innocent biter/hitter? You're either a whimp, or the protective parent of a bully child. Which is it?

Where do you even come up with this stuff? You are seriously unhinged, PP, and I doubt are connected to children in any way. Just go away.

NP here and you're sounding like the more aggressive on in this exchange. Take a breathe. One can simultaneously (1) understand that most kids hit or bite some one at some point and (2) expect something to be done about it. It's okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

Actually, my kid was on the receiving end of biting. Of course, I didn't want her to get bitten, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the other kid, who was a little younger, was a bully, or even a bully in the making. I understood that biting, hitting, and pushing are not unusual behaviors in toddlers. Since the biter's caregivers were on top of things and providing appropriate discipline, the biting stopped and the kid is now one my child's best friends. If you truly think a child under two is a bully, you know nothing about child development.

So, I repeat--if the nanny and the kid's parents are consistently and appropriately disciplining the kid, you can expect this behavior to pass. If they aren't, then I would be concerned. But it sounds like they are. In that case, I would just continue to watch to ensure that progress is being made. Your kid will be fine--indeed, she will be able to see that when someone hits her, they are disciplined, and that she is not left to fend for herself.

Yeah, sometimes people want to cross their fingers like you. How about if your kid needs stitches, compliments of that poor innocent biter/hitter? You're either a whimp, or the protective parent of a bully child. Which is it?

Where do you even come up with this stuff? You are seriously unhinged, PP, and I doubt are connected to children in any way. Just go away.

NP here and you're sounding like the more aggressive on in this exchange. Take a breathe. One can simultaneously (1) understand that most kids hit or bite some one at some point and (2) expect something to be done about it. It's okay.

I bet you anything she's the protective parent of a bully child, but won't admit it. How often children imitate their parents, don't they.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, the other kid is not a bully. She's a toddler. Stop using that language, and stop thinking about it in those terms.

You don't say how common this behavior is, but it's not going to damage your child to have her hair pulled a few times, if the parents and nanny are making appropriate efforts to discipline the other child. Maybe just ask the nanny to build some time in the day where the kids aren't playing so near each other.

If your kid was on the receiving end of hair pulling, then you might feel differently. This is how bullying starts.

Actually, my kid was on the receiving end of biting. Of course, I didn't want her to get bitten, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that the other kid, who was a little younger, was a bully, or even a bully in the making. I understood that biting, hitting, and pushing are not unusual behaviors in toddlers. Since the biter's caregivers were on top of things and providing appropriate discipline, the biting stopped and the kid is now one my child's best friends. If you truly think a child under two is a bully, you know nothing about child development.

So, I repeat--if the nanny and the kid's parents are consistently and appropriately disciplining the kid, you can expect this behavior to pass. If they aren't, then I would be concerned. But it sounds like they are. In that case, I would just continue to watch to ensure that progress is being made. Your kid will be fine--indeed, she will be able to see that when someone hits her, they are disciplined, and that she is not left to fend for herself.

Yeah, sometimes people want to cross their fingers like you. How about if your kid needs stitches, compliments of that poor innocent biter/hitter? You're either a whimp, or the protective parent of a bully child. Which is it?

Where do you even come up with this stuff? You are seriously unhinged, PP, and I doubt are connected to children in any way. Just go away.

NP here and you're sounding like the more aggressive on in this exchange. Take a breathe. One can simultaneously (1) understand that most kids hit or bite some one at some point and (2) expect something to be done about it. It's okay.

I bet you anything she's the protective parent of a bully child, but won't admit it. How often children imitate their parents, don't they.

You know, I had an entire response typed and decided to delete it. There is no reasoning with people like you and PP. You are inflammatory and accusatory all the while remaining completely ignorant of anything about the people you choose to attack. I do not have children so I don't need to defend any bullies. I have, however, taken care of more than you could ever imagine and know the difference between a kid who hits or bites out of frustration and cognitive age and a true bully. This entire argument is absurd.

[Anonymous]

I would simply not allow a child to be repeatedly victimized. Period. Excuses don't change that.