Choosing the right nanny...

[Anonymous]

We are relocating from overseas and are so lucky that we will be able to bring a nanny with us. Our current nanny is wonderful. Really, really exceptional in her work and our daughter adores her and so do I. She has been with us since my daughter was 3 months old - she is now 2.5. We've also had a little baby since then that she has helped take care of. She has asked us repeatedly if she can please come with us and I wouldn't hesitate for a second if it wasn;t for the fact that she has her own two children.. I have asked her how she would feel being so far away from them etc and while she know it will be difficult, she is also very confident that the kids will be taken well care of by her extended family ("they have many mothers", i.e. it is a different culture where siblings, cousins etc all live in a big compound and take care of each others' kids). There is no father in the picture.

The other option we have is to bring a temporary nanny we have used when our regular nanny has been on leave. She is also very nice, but cannot compare with our regular nanny. No kids though.

So, what to do? I partly feel that if I tell her you can't come because you have kids I am discriminating against her (I would certainly feel that if someone told me I didn't get a job because I have kids!); at the same time I would feel guilty if she moved away from her own kids to take care of mine. For her the reason to go is obvious - she would make so much more money here than she could ever do back home and can therefore help her kids get a good life.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Children need a parent more than they need material riches. Think of her children.

[Anonymous]

I would bring her. It's her decision, not yours. She knows the ins and outs of her life, finances, etc. best.

[Anonymous]

This is a bit of a strange post just because I am not sure too many people can relate? I guess it would depend where she is coming from and her long-term well being.

[Anonymous]

Where are her kids now?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to relocate her with her children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit of a strange post just because I am not sure too many people can relate? I guess it would depend where she is coming from and her long-term well being.

I agree. I wouldn't be surprised if we have a very active troll poster trying to distract people from the most important threads. He or she goes on forever about odd issues.

[Anonymous]

There are many cultures where it is fairly common for a parent, even a mom, to work in a different country in order to earn money.

I think this is largely the nannies' choice. If she wants to come and you want to bring her, then let her come. Set up a way she can go home for some significant period of time every year, be in touch w/ her family while she's with you, and help her figure out how to get funds back to her family easily.

This is an uncomfortable kind of scenario for many Americans because it seems so at odds with how we view family, but it's actually extremely common in many Asian and Island countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are many cultures where it is fairly common for a parent, even a mom, to work in a different country in order to earn money.

I think this is largely the nannies' choice. If she wants to come and you want to bring her, then let her come. Set up a way she can go home for some significant period of time every year, be in touch w/ her family while she's with you, and help her figure out how to get funds back to her family easily.

This is an uncomfortable kind of scenario for many Americans because it seems so at odds with how we view family, but it's actually extremely common in many Asian and Island countries.

How horrible you are. That's so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit of a strange post just because I am not sure too many people can relate? I guess it would depend where she is coming from and her long-term well being.

I agree. I wouldn't be surprised if we have a very active troll poster trying to distract people from the most important threads. He or she goes on forever about odd issues.

I'm not a troll, I promise! And haven't posted any other threads lately either. I do recognize this is an uncommon situation, but still thought it would be helpful for me to get others' views as I think through the options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where are her kids now?

The kids are with her now. We live in her home country and she has a regular day job with us and goes home to her kids in the evenings and weekends. They live in a compound with her siblings, cousins etc.

To the PP, I wish we had the option of bringing her kids but realistically it won't work out with housing, schooling, her own child care needs etc. She hasn't asked about this herself either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are many cultures where it is fairly common for a parent, even a mom, to work in a different country in order to earn money.

I think this is largely the nannies' choice. If she wants to come and you want to bring her, then let her come. Set up a way she can go home for some significant period of time every year, be in touch w/ her family while she's with you, and help her figure out how to get funds back to her family easily.

This is an uncomfortable kind of scenario for many Americans because it seems so at odds with how we view family, but it's actually extremely common in many Asian and Island countries.

How horrible you are. That's so sad.

The PP is actually right, this is very common in many countries.

[Anonymous]

Yes, agree that this is a real post. It is probably hard for folks to relate but it is an issue, I agree. I think you should talk to her and if she wants to come, you should bring her with you. Unfortunately, we all don't understand it, but coming to the United States is very important to some people. Make sure you set her up good so she can send money home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit of a strange post just because I am not sure too many people can relate? I guess it would depend where she is coming from and her long-term well being.

I agree. I wouldn't be surprised if we have a very active troll poster trying to distract people from the most important threads. He or she goes on forever about odd issues.

I'm not a troll, I promise! And haven't posted any other threads lately either. I do recognize this is an uncommon situation, but still thought it would be helpful for me to get others' views as I think through the options.

So it can be verified that you live somewhere where "compounds" are the place to live, if you can afford it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit of a strange post just because I am not sure too many people can relate? I guess it would depend where she is coming from and her long-term well being.

I agree. I wouldn't be surprised if we have a very active troll poster trying to distract people from the most important threads. He or she goes on forever about odd issues.

I'm not a troll, I promise! And haven't posted any other threads lately either. I do recognize this is an uncommon situation, but still thought it would be helpful for me to get others' views as I think through the options.

So it can be verified that you live somewhere where "compounds" are the place to live, if you can afford it?

Not sure what you mean that it can be verified, but perhaps I should clarify that with 'compound" I mean the extended family having two small houses that share a common outdoor space/yard. I would say that rather than it being a place to live if you can afford it, it's where you live if you can't afford something bigger. Compound was probably the wrong word to use to describe it.