Nanny caring for 2 kids now - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone,

We've had our nanny since my older child was 18 months and she's been with us for a year and a half now. She's not the most nurturing person in the world but she's creative, dynamic and complements our parenting style rather well - our approaches are different but balance well together. We now have a small baby she is caring for and I'm a bit concerned that her lack of nurturing skills are going to be a problem. She doesn't really show much interest in our 3 month old and seems to try to "manage" him more than tune in to him e.g. keeping him asleep as long as possible. I know it's hard to focus on 2 kids at the same time, but we've given her a 30% raise to care for our second child while we work (she sets her rates, not us), so what should our expectations be? I work from home 80% of the time so I can help but I also need to get work done. I'm concerned my younger child will not get the attention he deserves. She's not the type to get down on the floor and play with him. I know he will be safe and clean with her but I'm worried he will not get everything he deserves. I participate, nurse him and play with him one-on-one a few times a day but that's probably not enough. Am I expecting too much? Too little? We're sending our older one to preschool soon a few half days a week so hopefully that will help. We've also told her we don't expect her to actively entertain both kids at the same time given the age difference and that it's ok to give our older one a quiet activity to do (play with her dolls, play dough, color, etc.) while she plays with our infant for two 30/45 minute sessions a day. Is that not realistic? What works for you? Any advice helps, whether you're a parent or a nanny.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

For the first 8 months of our second baby's life, our nanny wore her in a sling for the majority of time she was with her.

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit conflicted with this one. On one hand I completely understand what you're saying. You want your baby to get enough attention.
How long have the baby and 3 y/o been in her care?
Honestly, at 3 months old you are managing them.
At 3 months, they're still sleeping and eating every 3 hours.
There really isn't much time left for "play."
At that age, play consists of making faces at them, doing some tummy time, showing them different toys and talking to them. Is she doing any of that? Does she stick the baby in bouncer and ignore him?
Your 3 yo can be entertained quietly for 30-45 minutes at a time? If so, that is amazing and I have never seen it.
She's probably still trying to get in a groove. You've had 3 months of intense bonding time with this little person. She's most likely trying to figure out how it's all going to work.
Make her aware of your expectations, offer assistance if she needs it and allow them the time to actually bond.

[Anonymous]

Sounds good. Thanks for the advice. My toddler does well for 30 minute sessions of loosely guided activity. I'm basically worried about my baby being ignored in the bouncer because it's more convenient. She does tummy time with him but doesn't get on his level so he's bacically in tummy town "alone" doing his thing while she focuses on our toddler. She talks to him a little bit (only for five minutes after I hand him to her when I need to work) and then she puts him in the bouncer to get him to fall asleep. She never uses any of his many toys to play with him. It makes me sad but maybe my expectations are too high?

[Anonymous]

Actually no - I don't thin your expectations are too high and what you have written about your nanny makes me very uncomfortable. You have to have a major, sit down, heart-to-heart, (with lists and written wants) with your nanny and explain exactly what you have explained here. Tell her exactly what you would like her to do and how to engage and narrate for the baby. Tell her your concerns and how important it is to engage the baby.

Sadly, I think this nanny simply doesn't "have it" and will need to be replaced. But as a nanny, I would have to ask you to really give it a last try with a detailed and serious discussion with her.

It makes me sad to think of a baby being ignored.

[Anonymous]

Some nannies just aren't into babies. Did she seem happy when she found out you were pregnat ? I would have been upset because I don't do babies. Toddlers I love !!!

[Anonymous]

MB, I can relate to this. Our kids are 2.5 years apart and DC#1 hadn't started PT preschool yet when DC#2 was born. Obviously newborns and young infants can't do much so it's not really that much fun for anyone until they're able to interact more, etc. But once our oldest started PT preschool, the nanny was able to spend more one on one time w/ the younger one. Also, when I was home on maternity leave, I made a point to focus on the older one and would leave the infant home w/ the nanny. Now that DC#2 is a bit older they're able to do more when our oldest is at school.

Also, as DC#1 got a bit older our nanny was able to give her more art projects, etc. that kept her occupied.
And as PPs have mentioned some nannies don't enjoy infants. I know our nanny likes babies but she's been w/ our oldest for almost 2.5 years, so they have an incredibly tight bond.


But it is hard to manage two kids with very different needs at the same time. I have trouble focusing on both right now. DH and I divide and conquer quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Caring for two children under the age of two can be quite challenging, however she agreed to take on the add'l child and you are after all compensating her for the add'l work involved so you should be getting quality childcare regardless.

If you get the feeling that she wants to keep your baby asleep for as long as she can, then that does not bode well for her in my book.

It seems like she just does not know how to effectively deal with caring for two children.

Does she have any previous experience caring for two young children? If this is her first experience, it may be a rude awakening for her.

I would sit down and discuss this matter with her. Ask her how her comfort level is with caring for two children under two. If she says everything is great, yet you still feel as if she is not giving your baby adequate attention in spite of what she said, then as a mother you have a duty to do what is in the best interest of your child and that is to ensure that he receives the best possible care.

And if in your heart you feel he is not receiving that, you have no choice but to find someone who can provide him with that.

Good luck.