Nanny not teaching manners, educating

[Anonymous]

I would appreciate some advice. We have a new nanny who joined us a few months back. Our previous nanny Was wonderful and I'm having problems to adjust to the new one.

Specifically she acts more like a housekeeper or "servant" to our kids than a nanny. She does not teach them to clean up after themselves but runs after them to pick up toys, clean the table after them etc. My 3 Year Old who always cleaned up after himself told me this morning when I asked him to put away his plate that "no, nanny will do it". Yikes! I also constantly remind her that we need to say please, thank you, good morning etc and that she has to reinforce this with my son. She has a bit of a "mopey" personality and is not very enthusiastic.

She also does not really engage in creative play, I have to nag her to go outside and play etc. Not proactive at all.

My concern is also stronger as she used to work for my BIL and family and seeing those kids as young adults they are quite mopey too and very inactive. I never connected that to the nanny but now that I have seen her at work I'm starting to wonder...

What would you do? Any chance this can be corrected or should we let her go? She is very sweet, flexible and trustworthy which I all really appreciate But I don't want to compromise my kids development and learning. And at some level I am having diffIculties liking her personality... DH and I are both very involved in the kids and teach them ourselves, but I want them to have consistency and as we both work they will be spending a lot of their time with nanny.

[Anonymous]

I'd set aside a good chunk of time to talk this over with your nanny. Set it up as a meeting/review at 4pm on Friday and have your husband home for it as well. Making it a formal review will let her know you take this seriously.

I think you can phrase it in a way that won't offend - you appreciate how attentive she is to the kids, that they're well cared for with her, etc. But you also don't want her to be taken advantage of and waiting on the kids as a maid. You want her to be more of a loving authority figure - on the same team with you, the parents. Then present the set of self-care & chores you think your children should be doing for themselves and the home each day. Present your nanny with a system of discipline that you'd like her to use to both incentivize the kids, as well as disincentivize bad/disrespectful behavior. Let her know you'll be on her side if your kids are disrespectful towards her - if the 3 year old says "no, you pick it up!" then you'll come home and let him know that's not okay, rather than get mad at the nanny that the place isn't perfectly clean.

She may not realize that you want her to do this, because honestly a lot of families do actually just want a maid to wait hand & foot on their kids. The fact that you don't is commendable, but you have to empower your nanny to take on that role. Your kids will resist because they've already enjoyed a few months of the sweet life, so she needs to know that not only do you want her to change, but you're going to change too - you're going to discipline your kids when they don't respect her and you're going to hold them, not the nanny, accountable for cleaning up after themselves.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP, we will sit down with her and talk about it. Hopefully she can improve and we can continue working together. She is very shy and I think generally a pushover in life so she will also need to work on setting boundaries etc.

Re the play and learning, does anyone know any good resource book for age appropriate activities? It might help her to have as a reference.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about your concerns and explain clearly your rules (my children must say please and thank you to nanny or anyone, my children must clean up their own plates, toys clothes, etc at all times, my children must spend x amount of time outdoors...) Give her time to work it out and if no improvement - yes, give her notice.

Some people (not just nannies) cannot change their ways.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I would appreciate some advice. We have a new nanny who joined us a few months back. Our previous nanny Was wonderful and I'm having problems to adjust to the new one.

Specifically she acts more like a housekeeper or "servant" to our kids than a nanny. She does not teach them to clean up after themselves but runs after them to pick up toys, clean the table after them etc. My 3 Year Old who always cleaned up after himself told me this morning when I asked him to put away his plate that "no, nanny will do it". Yikes! I also constantly remind her that we need to say please, thank you, good morning etc and that she has to reinforce this with my son. She has a bit of a "mopey" personality and is not very enthusiastic.

She also does not really engage in creative play, I have to nag her to go outside and play etc. Not proactive at all.

My concern is also stronger as she used to work for my BIL and family and seeing those kids as young adults they are quite mopey too and very inactive. I never connected that to the nanny but now that I have seen her at work I'm starting to wonder...

What would you do? Any chance this can be corrected or should we let her go? She is very sweet, flexible and trustworthy which I all really appreciate But I don't want to compromise my kids development and learning. And at some level I am having diffIculties liking her personality... DH and I are both very involved in the kids and teach them ourselves, but I want them to have consistency and as we both work they will be spending a lot of their time with nanny.[/quote]

You should have interviewed her and you could have avoided this.

[Anonymous]

What do you mean by mopey?

Is she actually sad and unhappy?

Or does she not use that fake sugary sweet over the top voice?

Is she not super outgoing and constantly talking.

Does she not interact with your kids?

Or does she allow your kids to have space to think, act and play independently on occasion without being smothered by adult in put?

You can have her change the manners and tidying.

[Anonymous]

I did interview her... I guess I wasn't as specific as perhaps I should have been during the interview, but honestly I took so e of these things as a given. I.e. that a nanny would emphasize please and thank you etc. Plus she came recommended by family..

To the PP, an example of what I mean by mopey is that she won't say a proper good morning etc. when she sees my 3 year old and he says good morning in a happy voice she can easily just ignore him or grunt back. I would expect a good morning back in a happy voice... I don't think she is sad or unhappy, but I would prefer a happier, lighter tone around the kids. I don't think it's about giving them space.wilmtry to talk about it with her, it might be something she can improve is she's more aware of it? Thanks

[Anonymous]

That is an issue and not mopey.

That's just plain rude and an example of poor manners.

So she's not properly interacting with them at all.

You are right she may improve if given the chance.

I hope she does.

She's been a nanny for a long while it seems it may be time for her to retire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did interview her... I guess I wasn't as specific as perhaps I should have been during the interview, but honestly I took so e of these things as a given. I.e. that a nanny would emphasize please and thank you etc. Plus she came recommended by family..

To the PP, an example of what I mean by mopey is that she won't say a proper good morning etc. when she sees my 3 year old and he says good morning in a happy voice she can easily just ignore him or grunt back. I would expect a good morning back in a happy voice... I don't think she is sad or unhappy, but I would prefer a happier, lighter tone around the kids. I don't think it's about giving them space.wilmtry to talk about it with her, it might be something she can improve is she's more aware of it? Thanks

I'm a nanny and this breaks my heart! No matter how I ever felt, physically or emotionally, I always greet my charges with a huge smile and a happy hello. A child needs to see his enthusiasm reflected and needs to feel that she is happy to see him. It is the LEAST we can do as nannies.

Fire her, OP. This woman does NOT know how to care for children and will never learn. Please fire her.

[Anonymous]

It seems your first nanny set the bar pretty high....

These do not seem like deal-breakers per say in my book, but I would talk to her and stress to her how important it is to you that your children learn NOW how to clean up after themselves, how to use good manners and that you really want her to actively engage with them on a regular basis.

Perhaps she just didn't know how important these things were to you.

Give her a chance to change her way of doing things first and if she doesn't, then I would look for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Give your house to her to be clean,and look for another nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give your house to her to be clean,and look for another nanny.

Oh I would if we could afford it

Thanks for the responses everyone, seems to be quite varying views on whether this is a deal breaker or not... We did have a talk with her yesterday and have also put all the important things in a notebook that she can refer to whenever she needs it. I *hope* it will improve and am cautiously optimistic. I wish she had more of a sunshiny personality and don't expect that will change much, but if she can focus on at least being responsive and not mopey maybe we can live with it. I think she is also VERY shy, so maybe she needs more time to adjust.

And yes, our previous nanny was AMAZING! I would come to her for advice all the time, she taught me so much. I really miss her and she would be a hard act to follow for anyone...

Fingers crossed..

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this and I think it's right you give the nanny a chance to address these issues, but I suspect this is a matter of personality and approach to the job rather than skills. Some nannies, especially those from specific foreign cultures but also young or inexperience nannies from anywhere, do see themselves as there to pick up after and cater to the children. Others, and I think in DC typically this group is comprised of particularly experienced American nannies (or British nannies, where there is a tradition of in-home child care) approach their role as that of educator, mentor, and disciplinarian, in that they communicate the same level of expectations as the parent would. These are broad generalizations and not applicable to everyone, but I do see these two types of nannies very consistently and it sounds like you hired the wrong type. If she can't correct this, don't fret, just know going into your next batch of interviews that you're looking for someone who articulates the expectations they have for children in their care (picking up toys, setting the table, putting away their clothes, saying please and thank you...).

[Anonymous]

It's your job to teach your kids manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your job to teach your kids manners.

Well yes, but it's fair to want the nanny to observe the same rules and principles as the parents do. I won't my nanny to teach my kids manners too so they get consistent messages.