question for current au pairs and former au pairs

[Anonymous]

Which one is unrealistic?

[Anonymous]

There is no point of being an Au Pair without nice hosts, likeable food, transportation, cellphone, friends. If HP don't want or can't provide this they are creating picture of very stingy citizens. Au pair shouldn't go there to struggle.

Which one is unrealistic?

Where should I start?

It is not your HF's responsibility to "provide friends".

It is not your HF's responsibility (or anyone) to make sure AP has no struggles. Like any life choice, moving to a new country is going to come with some struggle. Your HF can't remove every obstacle you encounter.

Yes, HF should be "nice" people. If they are not nice enough, you can rematch. Yes, they are required to provide food. You are going to need to put your stipend toward random treats that your HF doesn't maintain (i.e. soda).

Transportation? To your class, yes. To the airport an hour away for your weekend trip, no. This is another example of what your stipend is meant to cover.

Cell phone? I do not know of any AP (I have been hosting for four years in a large AP community) who doesn't have a cell phone.

[Anonymous]

Being nice host mother doesn't equal providing stuff. I'm saying that Au pair candidate have cellphones, know how to prepare food that they like, have a car or use family car, have education, had work experience ect.in their home countries or abroad. If hosts don't feel like providing above it it's not worth to be an au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being nice host mother doesn't equal providing stuff.

Unfortunately, some AP use stuff as the measuring stick to equate with"nice".

There are AP who comes into the program expecting HF to cook and serve the meals, just like back home when their mom did all the cooking and calls them to the dinner table when the meal is ready. I had one of those prima donnas and after going to her room to tell her dinner is on the table a couple of times, I stopped. We just started dinner without her and she eventually makes her grand entrance. I most certainly will not do all the cooking and then have to also personally go and get her. That was really grating. I go get my kids for dinner because they are children. I don't go search for my spouse to tell him dinner is ready. He knows when it is almost dinner time and comes into the kitchen and start to help set up the table, dish out food etc. That's being an adult. It is this type of AP behavior that leads HF to think that some AP want to continue to be a child, instead of an adult in the household.

[Anonymous]

Being nice host mother doesn't equal providing stuff. I'm saying that Au pair candidate have cellphones,

know how to prepare food that they like,

[b] have a car or use family car, have education, had work experience ect.in their home countries or abroad. If hosts don't feel like providing above it it's not worth to be an au pair.

The HF "knows how to prepare food AP likes". Ummmmm...how about AP knows how to prepare food that she likes because she is an adult? We purchase foods we know AP likes...oats, fruits, nuts, almond milk, etc to make the morning muesli she likes to eat...but, I certainly don't prepare her breakfast for her.

There are AP who comes into the program expecting HF to cook and serve the meals, just like back home when their mom did all the cooking and calls them to the dinner table when the meal is ready. I had one of those prima donnas and after going to her room to tell her dinner is on the table a couple of times, I stopped. We just started dinner without her and she eventually makes her grand entrance. I most certainly will not do all the cooking and then have to also personally go and get her. That was really grating. I go get my kids for dinner because they are children. I don't go search for my spouse to tell him dinner is ready. He knows when it is almost dinner time and comes into the kitchen and start to help set up the table, dish out food etc. That's being an adult. It is this type of AP behavior that leads HF to think that some AP want to continue to be a child, instead of an adult in the household.

Yep, we had one of these too and stopped going to get her...really rude and incredibly annoying.

[Anonymous]

Being nice host mother doesn't equal providing stuff. I'm saying that Au pair candidate have cellphones, know how to prepare food that they like, have a car or use family car, have education, had work experience ect.in their home countries or abroad. If hosts don't feel like providing above it it's not worth to be an au pair

And AP who thinks HF is supposed to prepare her food is not worth it to HF.

[Anonymous]

Seems like Your Au pair didn't want you to cook for her which doesn't proove that she didn't appreciate that. It seems like you wanted to cook for her. Next time please ask if there is anything that she would like to change. You claim that you hosted couple of times and you don't know that you have to resolve misunderstandings. This is disappointing.

[Anonymous]

Seems like Your Au pair didn't want you to cook for her which doesn't proove that she didn't appreciate that. It seems like you wanted to cook for her. Next time please ask if there is anything that she would like to change. You claim that you hosted couple of times and you don't know that you have to resolve misunderstandings. This is disappointing.

What? This makes no sense?

[Anonymous]

Seems like Your Au pair didn't want you to cook for her which doesn't proove that she didn't appreciate that. It seems like you wanted to cook for her. Next time please ask if there is anything that she would like to change. You claim that you hosted couple of times and you don't know that you have to resolve misunderstandings. This is disappointing.

You sound unhappy. Here is some advice: It is Sunday. Instead of trolling around a host family forum, how about meeting some friends for dinner? a movie? gym? winter festivity? How about taking $20 from your stipend and going enjoying that food you love at a new restaurant? Your ticket to happiness is within you, not your HF. Go explore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would You like to walk at 11 pm or 2 am in wintertime near multiple lane street while someone beeping on you?

AP's choice to be out at 11pm or 2am at night. Neighborhood streets are not multiple lanes.

We have a car curfew anyway, not an AP curfew. So, sure, ours can ask if the car's availabole and borrow the car, but has to be home early. It's all about the choices.

APs want the best of both worlds, "parents" who will cook/clean up after them and "host parents" who will not impose curfews or other rules like their parents would.

[Anonymous]

Curfews for Au pair are illegal. I don't even know how could I obey this nonsens most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Please link to the law where it says that curfews for APs are illegal.

It has something to do with common courtesy (which should be a part of general maturity) when living together. People, including your HPs, worry about you when you are not home at night. One of my coworkers rents her spare bedroom through Airbnb, to adults she barely knows, even she doesn't sleep well when she knows her guests aren't back yet. It also has to do with other people, people you are living with and should care about, waking up when you come home, possibly including the young children you care for. People wake up when a car drives up the driveway, the garage door opens, a door gets unlocked or water runs. It doesn't matter that you tiptoe through the house, unless your HF lives in a mansion and you live in the west wing or you have a garden appartment, they will hear you.
Add to that the responsibility your HP have for you and your well being. Who do you think your parents would blame if you got hurt in the middle of the night? Who would have to call your parents and tell them you got run over by a drunk driver at 2 am in the morning and are in hospital? You are living with them, they are your host "parents". They don't want to have to tell your parents that you are dead or critically injured. They also don't want to blame themselves that they allowed you to make stupid choices. Most HPs care about their APs and their well being. Add the "good rolemodel" part (and really? I have never met a parent who was happy that their child was out and about in the middle of the night and who would want their child to learn that this is acceptable behaviour, especially if paired with drinking or disrupting sleep of other family members).

Accepting and respecting that different families have different rules and that by chosing to live with a family you chose to respect their rules is something every adult who choses to move abroad to live and work in a hostfamily should be aware of. This is not an exchange student situation where an agency places the student into any family they think is suitable. The AP has the possibility to ask all the questions and to decide if that situation is acceptable for them or not.
If you don't have the cultural awareness that is needed to know that the US won't be the same as your home country (if it was, why would you go there anyway?) maybe an international exchange program is not the best choice.

I will never understand APs moaning about how horrible the program is. Don't join the program. Leave the program if you are unhappy with it. If living with and working for a hostfamily proves not to be your slice of cake, get a w&t visa for OZ and pick kiwis. Or join the Disney program and sell pretzels over the summer. The AP program isn't for everybody (families and au pairs alike), living under one roof with your employer is not for everybody. With cultural differences, different personalities, expectations and backgrounds there are so many things that can go wrong but it's not as if there is no way out.
I will also never understand why APs decide to join the program if they don't have enough savings for a return flight home or save enough of their stipend to pay a return flight home should it ever be needed (you can fly one way from DC to Rio de Janeiro for under $800, to Shanghai for under $500, to Paris for under $400, to Warsaw for under $700 - this is prices four weeks out - set aside half of your stipend for your first month or two and you have enough money maybe not for the best or most convenient flight but to get you home to most places in the world, OZ excluded possibly... if you don't need it, you have savings to pay your taxes or pay for your travel month)

[Anonymous]

This program doesn't work as a cultural experience between hosts and Au pair. It looks great on a paper and photographs. Not any host especially that one who wants independent Au pair is going to bother abouth her safety. The biggest mistake that agencies creates is telling Au pairs that they can count on hosts. Hosts don't want problems only elastic childcare. Telling Au pair what to do and where to be after 45 hours of work is rude and violating of free movement. Au pair is also waking up when HF is screaming or fighting at midnight or screams on child at 4 am. Au pairs want to travel but the possibility of doing that is in last month and don't want to waste additional money for back to the country ticket. There is no much philosophy in it.

[Anonymous]

'It has something to do with common courtesy (which should be a part of general maturity) when living together. People, including your HPs, worry about you when you are not home at night. One of my coworkers rents her spare bedroom through Airbnb, to adults she barely knows, even she doesn't sleep well when she knows her guests aren't back yet. It also has to do with other people, people you are living with and should care about, waking up when you come home, possibly including the young children you care for. People wake up when a car drives up the driveway, the garage door opens, a door gets unlocked or water runs. It doesn't matter that you tiptoe through the house, unless your HF lives in a mansion and you live in the west wing or you have a garden appartment, they will hear you.
Add to that the responsibility your HP have for you and your well being. Who do you think your parents would blame if you got hurt in the middle of the night? Who would have to call your parents and tell them you got run over by a drunk driver at 2 am in the morning and are in hospital? You are living with them, they are your host "parents". They don't want to have to tell your parents that you are dead or critically injured. They also don't want to blame themselves that they allowed you to make stupid choices. Most HPs care about their APs and their well being. Add the "good rolemodel" part (and really? I have never met a parent who was happy that their child was out and about in the middle of the night and who would want their child to learn that this is acceptable behaviour, especially if paired with drinking or disrupting sleep of other family members).'

This is very naive. This doesn't exist in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This program doesn't work as a cultural experience between hosts and Au pair. It looks great on a paper and photographs. Not any host especially that one who wants independent Au pair is going to bother abouth her safety. The biggest mistake that agencies creates is telling Au pairs that they can count on hosts. Hosts don't want problems only elastic childcare. Telling Au pair what to do and where to be after 45 hours of work is rude and violating of free movement. Au pair is also waking up when HF is screaming or fighting at midnight or screams on child at 4 am. Au pairs want to travel but the possibility of doing that is in last month and don't want to waste additional money for back to the country ticket. There is no much philosophy in it.

I really, really feel sorry for this au pair. Your living arrangements must be terrible. You spend all of your time on these forums, complaining about the wrongs you've suffered. It sounds like you've been abused or taken advantage of. Please contact your LCC, or, if the situation is really that bad, the police.

If that's not the case and you're simply unhappy, then take actions to change that. Go make friends. Find a new host family. You're in the US for a short period of time in a program that really is designed to give you a taste of American life. I promise you there's a better life that spending all your time on DCUM. And if my au pair only read your posts and believed you, she wouldn't be here having the time of her life, working 20 hours a week caring for kids she now considers family and enjoying all the perks that go along with having a host family that truly cares for her.