Who pays for what - spelled out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The AP can plan her own vacation of course. But she came to the US on the AP programme to share your life for a year.
It's not a hotel, room and board ... You have to welcome her like you would a niece or cousin"

I love the "AP came to share your life" cliche! To share my actual "life" (crying kids, forgot to buy milk, call from nurses office to pick kid up, flat tire, etc, etc) or just the perks, smooth sailing happy moments?

This is not a cliché. This is how it should be and how it is spelled out in the agency brochures.
But in reality families are mostly picking the AP programme just because it's cheaper. They don't care much about the cultural aspect or having the AP participate to family life.
Vacation is part of family life.

We do treat our AP like family, to the nth degree. If she wants to be treated like our children, we can gladly have the same rules and regulations as we do for them, and cover the same expenses as well. But, she's not 10. She wants to be treated like an independent adult with the perks of a dependent. So, there's compromise. If she goes out with her friends and not us, there's no reason we can't do the same. She travels without us, and we without her. The only reason APs want to travel with families is because it's free, not to be part of the family and spend more time with the host families. If I offered to travel with my AP on one of her long weekends, paying my own way, she would understandably die and bee-line it to the LCC to figure out how to get me off board. We have a great relationship, but we all need time away from each other, and working in my office doesn't count.

[Anonymous]

That is the best explanation of this that I have ever read! We all need a break.

[Anonymous]

We do treat our AP like family, to the nth degree. If she wants to be treated like our children, we can gladly have the same rules and regulations as we do for them, and cover the same expenses as well. But, she's not 10. She wants to be treated like an independent adult with the perks of a dependent. So, there's compromise. If she goes out with her friends and not us, there's no reason we can't do the same. She travels without us, and we without her. The only reason APs want to travel with families is because it's free, not to be part of the family and spend more time with the host families. If I offered to travel with my AP on one of her long weekends, paying my own way, she would understandably die and bee-line it to the LCC to figure out how to get me off board. We have a great relationship, but we all need time away from each other, and working in my office doesn't count.



THIS. Excellent explanation. Most APs want the free perks of traveling with the HF, which we are not obligated to provide.

[Anonymous]

If you're not willing to share your life with the AP and the perks that go with it, just get a regular nanny then !
The thing is you want an AP because it's cheaper but then you're being cheap about taking her on vacation ...

IT IS NOT A ONE WAY STREET !!

[Anonymous]

A one way street is her getting her space but the family can't? I do think APs need to be included but not every single little trip.

[Anonymous]

There IS a middle way.
We treat our AP just as I was treated when I was an AP - if she is with us, she gets what the kids get (movie ticket, ice cream, popcorn, lunch, a bottle of water, a ferris wheel ride etc.) but that doesn't mean that there aren't things we do alone with the kids. She is cordially invited to everything but all our APs have said no to things because they didn't care for them, had other plans or were just happy to have the house to themselves for (half) a day.

Yes, all come to the amusement park at least once (not the mouse), so far all have gone back alone with friends because it's much more fun to go on the rides you want to go on and not the rides the kids can go on. We had one whom we just gave a ride to the park (and back) who met friends there, we paid her ticket (she was stellar, she deserved it) but she was on her own during the day.
They all go to the fair with us once, some more than once (we have three local fairs each year) and all are treated for dinner (because that is what is dinner that night - bratwurst, fries, noodles, churros, crepes, a soft drink), they get a ferris wheel ride with the whole family and we will wait for them if they want to go on another ride but it comes out of their pocket (same for the kids, they get one ride, additional rides are paid with their pocket money). Saturday markets, we go every other week, sometimes they join us (as market includes breakfast), sometimes they don't. Some join us for hiking on Sundays and if everybody gets ice cream, of course they get ice cream... but if they don't enjoy hiking, they don't have to come. Some go to church with dad and the kids, some are gone most of the weekend, some are home and enjoy the peace and quiet of an empty house with me. If we decide to go to the zoo and they come of course I pay for the zoo and their lunch and ice cream. They are adults in that they get to pick, the kids are told (and mommy makes the rules) but if they chose to come I cover the cost. If I don't want to cover the cost I tell them in advance and tell them that I am sorry I can't take them. That has so far happened once, was grandma's Christmas present and was actually a weekend without the kids (who spend the time with their aunt and uncle).

Currently our vacations aren't too exciting. They are invited, they usually pass. They can come to visit grandma but all they get is a couch (grandma has one guest room with one bed, mommy and daddy get it, tough luck on everybody else, I am too old to sleep on the floor, the kids can, AP can have the couch, I assume AP could snuggle up between us as the little one does but I am sure they all prefer the couch), some have joined us and some passed. We usually rent vacation homes, we ask her if she wants to come when we book it, if she says yes we make sure there is room for her, if she says no we don't mind. A week at the beach in the middle of nowhere isn't too exciting for a 20 year old and we understand, we have had one who was happy to come and spend most of the day at the beach, reading and relaxing. We did count it as a work week as she was supposed to help in the mornings and was an extra set of hands by just being around (and there was nowhere to go).

When our kids are old enough (16+) they will get choices, just as the AP has choices. Right now the kids don't because they can't, tough luck. We can't leave them alone yet so they have to come. Giving the AP space also makes space for the nuclear family alone (NO au pair has joined us for every single little family activity) and for us as a couple alone (we do date nights with a babysitter, AP is off and we are off, but we don't spend that time together).

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs responses on how they find a balance between hosting and nuclear family time, and respecting time apart when needed by both AP and HP and HC. THe naysayers who say the APs have to go on vacation with them have no idea what it's like to be a HP or HC. If both parents work and are hosting an AP, there is very little quality time for the nuclear family to relax together. The kids need alone time with their parents, especially the younger ones when they experience an AP move out and a new one move in. The one consistency is the nuclear family, and that needs to be nurtured as well.

[Anonymous]

8-17 PP you're wonderful !

[Anonymous]

Yes, nuclear family time. While in theory AP is part of the family, let's be realistic that she is coming for a year and nuclear family is forever. It is not about the money as much as it is about kids and parents needing time together. We once brought our fabulous AP with us on vacation and it was really tough...confusing for kids and I felt like I spent a lot of my time trying to make her comfortable. We now get around this tricky situation by:

1. Being transparent in our interview about our plans.

2. Ensuring AP has a traveling game plan already in mind. Excited about meeting and traveling with friends, has an idea of places she wants to go, etc.

3. Planning our annual "big" vacation between APs.

4. Making it quite clear that I am a busy working mom with 3 kids and not a cruise ship director.

[Anonymous]

+ 1

[Anonymous]

I have this chart that I share with my AP's:



I invite on vacation when we are going to a place with already space in it, like my parents' beach house or an AirBNB, with enough bedrooms. I don't when it's an expensive vacation or a small accomodations, where it would be pricey to add someone.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

That chart above is very helpful. Is that from a larger agency handbook or is it just something you personally made up ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That chart above is very helpful. Is that from a larger agency handbook or is it just something you personally made up ?

I made, pulling from multiple sources (aupairmom.com, other HF's).

[Anonymous]

This is so awesome! Thank you for sharing!! Do you put it in your handbook?