Please Help! Is it considered abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop spreading misinformation. It is not abuse because there was no intent to harm the child. Whether or not an employer would want to keep a nanny who did this is a separate issue. I imagine most people who say they would not continue to employ the nanny do not have a children with high needs and no behavior modification plan.

https://www.childwelfare.gov/can/defining/federal.cfm

Abuse and neglect can occur without intent, many times it actually does. Exactly what on the link that you posted indicates that leaving bruises when restraining a child isn't considered abuse?

[Anonymous]

Leaving bruises is not serious physical harm.

[Anonymous]

The child abused her. He is at fault and should be in serious trouble. The nanny gets a gold star in my book. Kids like that get bruises and worse of they act up and need to be restrained. They get what is due to them. I have had to body slam a child over and over using all my force to get a 3 yr old in a car seat when he was trying to run away right by a major highway. I had to use all my strength. Not sure if I left bruises but he didn't get hit by a car. I learned how to get him in the car seat by watching his parents body slam him in before. But if course there is 2 of them and 1 of me so it took me longer. I'm sure people will say abuse on here for that. Everyone's situation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid is a spoiled effing brar, crazy, or both. Run, don't walk, and get away from this kid.

You don't have enough information to say that. I used to take care of the sweetest child, but when they had a temper tantrum, it was out of this world. The child was not a brat, spoiled, or crazy. There was something else going on.

I also used to take care of 5 year old from hell. I left that job because he was spoiled and the parents didn't care that this child would scratch, hit, or kick me when he didn't get his way. He had gone through a string of caregivers, one even saying she was going to the store, and never came back. I blame the parents. They would not back me up on anything I tried to do to discipline him and did not discipline him when he would do any of these things to me.

I know OP must feel bad about what happened. But unless you are in her shoes, it is not fair to make judgments about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This poor child needs a WHOLE lot more than just another nanny. Seems like he's been neglected by his parents.

Why in the hell are parents leaving their raging kids with unprepared nannies?

[Anonymous]

I don't consider it abuse. That being said OP the parents need to come up with solutions for these situations.

Clearly though the time out wasn't going to work there. The only solution I see is to remove the child immediately. If that means you pick him up and carry him and you can do so safely then that's what you do.

Let the kid know too that when he pulls that again, you will go straight to removal.

Why does he have tantrums like this at the age of 5? What's going on with him.. it doesn't matter if he is at home or not.

[Anonymous]

I look after the most wonderful 5yo girl. Sometimes she has tantrums similar to what the OP described, and contrary to what is being said here, both the parents and I are well aware of the problem and are trying to help her learn to channel her rage into more human ways.

But when she's in a fit and is a danger to herself, like when she's trying to run into the street, I will absolutely do my best to try and catch her, be it by holding onto her hand or picking her up. I accidentally scratched her arm once, not too deeply thankfully, and she's left bruises on me many times. Once things are calm, we always talk about what happened and apologise, and I make sure to say that I am sorry if I hurt her by holding her too tight, but I love her and it is important to me that she's not run over by a bloody bus, so tough love.

The parents are completely on board with me. I let them know of anything like that straight away, of course, but it's never been a problem. It's unfortunate, but it's not abuse. You weren't punishing the child in blind rage, you were keeping him safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I look after the most wonderful 5yo girl. Sometimes she has tantrums similar to what the OP described, and contrary to what is being said here, both the parents and I are well aware of the problem and are trying to help her learn to channel her rage into more human ways.

But when she's in a fit and is a danger to herself, like when she's trying to run into the street, I will absolutely do my best to try and catch her, be it by holding onto her hand or picking her up. I accidentally scratched her arm once, not too deeply thankfully, and she's left bruises on me many times. Once things are calm, we always talk about what happened and apologise, and I make sure to say that I am sorry if I hurt her by holding her too tight, but I love her and it is important to me that she's not run over by a bloody bus, so tough love.

The parents are completely on board with me. I let them know of anything like that straight away, of course, but it's never been a problem. It's unfortunate, but it's not abuse. You weren't punishing the child in blind rage, you were keeping him safe.

She sounds like a brat too. At five years old they know better than to rage and hurt people. They need a swat on the butt from the parents and her things taken away when she hurts or damages something. No wonder so many kids are selfish and feel as if they can hurt people and get what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I look after the most wonderful 5yo girl. Sometimes she has tantrums similar to what the OP described, and contrary to what is being said here, both the parents and I are well aware of the problem and are trying to help her learn to channel her rage into more human ways.

But when she's in a fit and is a danger to herself, like when she's trying to run into the street, I will absolutely do my best to try and catch her, be it by holding onto her hand or picking her up. I accidentally scratched her arm once, not too deeply thankfully, and she's left bruises on me many times. Once things are calm, we always talk about what happened and apologise, and I make sure to say that I am sorry if I hurt her by holding her too tight, but I love her and it is important to me that she's not run over by a bloody bus, so tough love.

The parents are completely on board with me. I let them know of anything like that straight away, of course, but it's never been a problem. It's unfortunate, but it's not abuse. You weren't punishing the child in blind rage, you were keeping him safe.

She sounds like a brat too. At five years old they know better than to rage and hurt people. They need a swat on the butt from the parents and her things taken away when she hurts or damages something. No wonder so many kids are selfish and feel as if they can hurt people and get what they want.

You don't sound knowledgeable on this subject.

[Anonymous]

I blame the parents. I will discipline my son, if he ever acts like a spoiled brat, he will be punished somehow.

[Anonymous]

Op, by coming here seeking help/opinions and by the tone of your post, I'm going to guess that you are not an abusive person. Because of that, I'd say what happened at the school was definitely not abuse. You did what you needed to do to get the child to a safe space. He got harmed (bruised) in the process. This is definitely unfortunate but it's not abuse. Good for you for speaking to the parent promptly, you did the right thing!

I don't see the bruise on his wrist as much different than a bruise on his arm or leg. You did not intend to hurt him and he did not get bruised by any misconduct from you. It just happened in the process of keeping him safe.

It's important that the parents get to the root of the problem with their child and set a plan with you on how to handle potentially unsafe behaviors in the future.

[Anonymous]

When I worked at Head Start many children had special needs and they did show all teachers how to safely "take down" and restrain a child from hurting himself or others. I have had to use it several times in twenty twenty years caring for children, it sucks and is horrible to watch and might even look like abuse to someone watching. I'm pretty sure you could check Youtube, there's how to everything there. You did your best, but really there should be a plan in place to end this behavior and concenquences decided upon ahead of time with parents and child and put place during and after next tantrum. One example wolud be to agree to move him to car if you are out and no screen time or tv for a week. The longer the tantrum last the more privledges lost etc. Its time to get parents on board or get out!

[Anonymous]

The OP is asking the wrong question. It's not abuse but who cares. All the child has to do is tell a mandated reporter and point to her and there will be an ugly investigation. OP, if you cannot restrain this child without leaving bruises, you need to leave. The law does not afford you the same presumptions it affords to parents and false accusations will destroy your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: His mom seemed unconcerned with the bruise but I've never experienced this before. Am I overreacting?

No, you are not overreacting. This mother is majorly under-reacting. From your post, it sounds that you did your best under the circumstances. But you and the parents should really be figuring out together how to keep this from happening again. It sounds like she has not brought this up to you. If you want to stay at this job, I recommend that you insist on being trained in how to deal with his tantrums in a safe way for everyone.

OP, how long have you been with this family? Depending on how extreme this behavior is, sometimes it just takes time to learn how to read him, and see when a tantrum is coming. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I look after the most wonderful 5yo girl. Sometimes she has tantrums similar to what the OP described, and contrary to what is being said here, both the parents and I are well aware of the problem and are trying to help her learn to channel her rage into more human ways.

But when she's in a fit and is a danger to herself, like when she's trying to run into the street, I will absolutely do my best to try and catch her, be it by holding onto her hand or picking her up. I accidentally scratched her arm once, not too deeply thankfully, and she's left bruises on me many times. Once things are calm, we always talk about what happened and apologise, and I make sure to say that I am sorry if I hurt her by holding her too tight, but I love her and it is important to me that she's not run over by a bloody bus, so tough love.

The parents are completely on board with me. I let them know of anything like that straight away, of course, but it's never been a problem. It's unfortunate, but it's not abuse. You weren't punishing the child in blind rage, you were keeping him safe.

Yes - to all of this. This is how the nanny/parent relationship should work, this is how occasional out of control behavior of little kids should be managed. It's such a refreshingly appropriate post and description of a good working relationship I don't even know what to say.

Everyone needs to calm down. The kid isn't neccessarily a monster, the nanny wasn't abusive, the parents aren't neglectful, etc...