Please Help! Is it considered abuse?

[Anonymous]

I nanny for one very smart, sweet 5 year old little boy who throws violent tantrums. I've never dealt with such fits in a child over the age of 3, so this is new territory for me. He is quite self-conscious and generally keeps his major acting out to the privacy of his home, but yesterday he had a total melt down right at his school when I went to pick him up. He was upset that another child wouldn't share his toy.

I had never been in this situation before where a child is too big for me to easily handle during a tantrum. At home I just leave him be to calm down, but this time he kept darting off and would run toward the street, so I needed to grab onto him repeatedly. I utilized all of my patience and attempted to give him a time-out, just let him cool down on the grass for a few minutes, though after 15 minutes of this he was still screaming and enraged. I decided maybe I was being too lenient, as we were on a schedule and I didn't want his fit to dictate the whole day, so I held on to his arm and attempted to have him walk to the car with me. He pulled out all the stops - went limp like a noodle, pulled and thrashed in the opposite direction, punched and kicked me.. and he's not that little for his age. Finally I just picked him up, propped him superman-style against my hip (where his shoes had a hard time kicking me) and made it out of there.

He was fine after spending some time in his room and we had a good rest of the day, though later on I noticed a small bruise ringed around the wrist I had been holding onto. I was freaked out and told his mother right away, as well as having a talk with him about how it happened, and he said it didn't hurt at all. His mom seemed unconcerned with the bruise but I've never experienced this before. Am I overreacting? I keep going over the struggle at his school in my mind, thinking of how I could have handled it better, but I see no other options. How do you handle this sort of situation??
(And my first response to acting out is always communication, trying to work things out and foster understanding. Once he's mad about something there's no getting through to him, period.)

[Anonymous]

Yes it's abuse you idiot. You had to have grabbed him pretty hard to cause a bruise.

[Anonymous]

You would be gone if you were my nanny

[Anonymous]

Special needs children need nannies that at are trained to handled situations appropriately. There are ways to restrain violent children without causing harm. Maybe it's time to leave the family if you cannot work with him.

[Anonymous]

13:54 and 14:01, do you think your responses were helpful?

I don't think what you did was abuse, but leaving a bruise on a child is unfortunate and should be avoided. If he was truly in danger of running into the street I would have picked him up and taken him inside, or to the car, and let him scream it out there. It helps, with an older tantrumming child to acknowledge and validate their feelings, and to help them express them.

Also, in the end, the schedule doesn't matter. It matters that he gets home safely and unharmed. And missing out on activities because he threw a fit is a natural consequence that will help him make better choices about how to spend his time, and how to express his feelings.

[Anonymous]

I think you did the right thing op. it's just a bruise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:54 and 14:01, do you think your responses were helpful?

I don't think what you did was abuse, but leaving a bruise on a child is unfortunate and should be avoided. If he was truly in danger of running into the street I would have picked him up and taken him inside, or to the car, and let him scream it out there. It helps, with an older tantrumming child to acknowledge and validate their feelings, and to help them express them.

Also, in the end, the schedule doesn't matter. It matters that he gets home safely and unharmed. And missing out on activities because he threw a fit is a natural consequence that will help him make better choices about how to spend his time, and how to express his feelings.

I'm not either one of them but I think their responses were helpful. They were saying if OP were their nanny, the way she handled the situation would be unacceptable. So that's helpful because it lets her know two people think she needs to find a different way to handle such tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Not trying to start a heated debate but if you are holding onto a child's arm and the child is trying to pull away, how is that abuse? Some children are just way too big to be picked up by some people and carrying a child that is having a violent tantrum could be even more unsafe if they hurt you and you fall while holding them.

I am really wondering what other people do when their children make scenes in public and your goal it to remove the child from the scene and the child will not cooperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:54 and 14:01, do you think your responses were helpful?

I don't think what you did was abuse, but leaving a bruise on a child is unfortunate and should be avoided. If he was truly in danger of running into the street I would have picked him up and taken him inside, or to the car, and let him scream it out there. It helps, with an older tantrumming child to acknowledge and validate their feelings, and to help them express them.

Also, in the end, the schedule doesn't matter. It matters that he gets home safely and unharmed. And missing out on activities because he threw a fit is a natural consequence that will help him make better choices about how to spend his time, and how to express his feelings.

I'm not either one of them but I think their responses were helpful. They were saying if OP were their nanny, the way she handled the situation would be unacceptable. So that's helpful because it lets her know two people think she needs to find a different way to handle such tantrums.

That message can be conveyed without name calling or attempts to make someone who already feels bad feels worse. I think your words were fine. The other posters were rude and harsh with someone who is already trying to figure out a better way to handle it. Saying I would have fired you is not helpful, but saying I would prefer my nanny handle it this way....is helpful.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it fine, OP. In the future, I would avoid holding on to his wrist like that if possible but if my choices are my kid running in to traffic or his nanny grabbing his wrist and leaving a bruise, I'm obviously going with the second option.

Personally, when tantrums get to the point where you need to just leave wherever you are, I skip the hand/wrist holding and skip straight to picking them up and carrying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it fine, OP. In the future, I would avoid holding on to his wrist like that if possible but if my choices are my kid running in to traffic or his nanny grabbing his wrist and leaving a bruise, I'm obviously going with the second option.

Personally, when tantrums get to the point where you need to just leave wherever you are, I skip the hand/wrist holding and skip straight to picking them up and carrying them.

MB here and I agree with this. I would not accuse you of abusing my child in this situation. I would, however, take it as a serious wake-up call that we need to figure out ways to address his behavior more effectively and safely so that you aren't put in a position like this again without having a plan for dealing with it.

My kids aren't this old yet, but just this week I was talking w/ our nanny about how we'd like to handle tantrums, time-outs, etc... So I would encourage you to try to get the parents actively work on an approach that they choose to try to get his behavior more under control.

Good for you for telling the MB right away. I am sure that she knew you had acted in good faith and never with the intent to harm him. As a mother I certainly understand why sometimes you just have to haul the kid up and get them out of there. Things happen.

[Anonymous]

I would, however, take it as a serious wake-up call that we need to figure out ways to address his behavior more effectively and safely so that you aren't put in a position like this again without having a plan for dealing with it.

This is a really, really good point (I'm 15:49). Obviously as a nanny dealing with the kids behavior and responding appropriately is in the job description, but you should not be put in a position where you are dealing with this level and magnitude of negative behaviour without the parents outlining how they'd like you to handle it. This really is more of a "special needs" case in that this behaviour goes beyond that of the typical 5yo, and so the parents need to set guidelines. You should not have to be worrying about liability/abuse whilst dealing with this behavior. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would, however, take it as a serious wake-up call that we need to figure out ways to address his behavior more effectively and safely so that you aren't put in a position like this again without having a plan for dealing with it.

This is a really, really good point (I'm 15:49). Obviously as a nanny dealing with the kids behavior and responding appropriately is in the job description, but you should not be put in a position where you are dealing with this level and magnitude of negative behaviour without the parents outlining how they'd like you to handle it. This really is more of a "special needs" case in that this behaviour goes beyond that of the typical 5yo, and so the parents need to set guidelines. You should not have to be worrying about liability/abuse whilst dealing with this behavior. Good luck OP!

+1. I'm an MB and I agree with this. The parents need to help you figure out a way to deal with his tantrums in a more effective way. I wouldn't blame you for this, it obviously wasn't intentional and the fact that you told the MB right away shows that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you handled it fine, OP. In the future, I would avoid holding on to his wrist like that if possible but if my choices are my kid running in to traffic or his nanny grabbing his wrist and leaving a bruise, I'm obviously going with the second option.

Personally, when tantrums get to the point where you need to just leave wherever you are, I skip the hand/wrist holding and skip straight to picking them up and carrying them.

This.

My own child would throw fits like this and he ended up with bruises too. If he didn't throw the fit I wouldn't need to restrain him. Safety first... bruise, or worse from being hit by a car?

OP in the future go to the superman carry first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would, however, take it as a serious wake-up call that we need to figure out ways to address his behavior more effectively and safely so that you aren't put in a position like this again without having a plan for dealing with it.

This is a really, really good point (I'm 15:49). Obviously as a nanny dealing with the kids behavior and responding appropriately is in the job description, but you should not be put in a position where you are dealing with this level and magnitude of negative behaviour without the parents outlining how they'd like you to handle it. This really is more of a "special needs" case in that this behaviour goes beyond that of the typical 5yo, and so the parents need to set guidelines. You should not have to be worrying about liability/abuse whilst dealing with this behavior. Good luck OP!

+1. I'm an MB and I agree with this. The parents need to help you figure out a way to deal with his tantrums in a more effective way. I wouldn't blame you for this, it obviously wasn't intentional and the fact that you told the MB right away shows that.

This, too!